by R S Surtees
“I am, as you doubtless know, a great grocer and tea merchant, dealin’ wholesale and retail, importing direct from China, which I suppose will be the country your Nabob comes from; and unfortunately at the present writing my junior partner, Simon Simpkins, senior, is on a trading tour, and I can’t well be wanted at the shop, otherwise I would run down and have a personal interview with you; but I had a letter this morning from Huddersfield in which he says he will be back as on Friday at farthest; therefore as the season is spending, and the ‘ounds should be kept going, I could, should your answer be agreeable, run down on the Saturday and make arrangements for taking the field immediately. Of course I presume there is everything ready for the purpose, and a mounted master is all wot is wanted. I only keep two ‘osses — what the lawyers call qui tam’ers—’’osses that ride as well as drive,’ and they would only do for my own riding. I have also a sharp London lad, who has been with me in the “cut-me-downs,” who might make a second whip; and my establishment consists of Mrs. Jorrocks, my niece, Belinda, Betsay, the maid, and Binjimin, the boy. Of course, Mrs. J., as the wife of the M.F.H., would expect all proper attention.
“I shall want a comfortable house to accommodate this party, and if I could get one with stabling attached, it would be agreeable. Perhaps you may know something of the sort, the willa style would be agreeable. I think that’s all I’ve got to say — indeed, I haven’t paper for more, so shall conclude for self and partners,
“Your’s to serve,
“John Jorrocks.
“To Miserrimus Doleful. Esq. M.C. “Handley Cross Spa.”
Doleful was in ecstacies when he got this letter, for he plainly saw the Nabob had told upon Mr. Jorrocks, and that he was fairly entering the meshes of his net. The letter, indeed, was unexceptionable, save the mention of his avocation of a grocer, which Doleful determined to keep to himself, merely announcing him as a gentleman of large fortune, whose father had been connected with trade. Recollecting that Diana Lodge was to let, he forthwith secured the refusal of it at three guineas a week, and calling on Fleeceall, concocted a most flattering list of subscribers and members of the hunt, which he forwarded to Mr. Jorrocks with the following letter: —
“Dear Mr. Jorrocks,
“By the greatest good luck in the world, Diana Lodge, within a stone’s throw of the kennel, came vacant this morning, and not having the slightest doubt that on inspection of the accompanying list of subscribers to the hounds and members of our celebrated hunt, which you will see by the letters A. and B. prefixed to their names, contain very few of those most horrible characters water-drinkers from choice, you will immediately accept the honourable office of ‘Master,’ I have engaged it for you at the very moderate rent of four guineas a-week, including everything. It is a cottage ornée, as you say in France, entered by an ivy-covered trellis-work arch, tastefully entwined with winter roses, now in full blow. In the passage is a highly-polished Honduras Mahogany table on claw feet castors, for hats, whips, gloves, cigar-cases, &c. On the right is a dining-room of comfortable dimensions, with another Honduras mahogany table, capable of dining eight people, the orthodox size for a party, with a Honduras mahogany cellaret sideboard with patent-locks, and a dumbwaiter on castors. The carpet is a Turkey one, and the rug a Kidderminster, of a pattern to match the carpet. On the left of the passage is a drawing-room of the same size as the dining-room, furnished in a style of unparalleled elegance.
“The chairs, ten in number, are of massive imitation-rosewood, with beaded and railed backs and round knobs along the tops, and richly carved legs. In the centre is a beautiful round imitation-rosewood table on square lion-clawed brass castors, and the edge of the table is deeply inlaid with a broad circle of richly-carved, highly-polished brass. Against the wall, below a costly round mirror, supported by a bronze eagle in chains, is a square imitation-rosewood table inlaid with satin-wood in lines, containing two drawers on each side, with ivory knobs for handles. The carpet is a fine flowered pattern, richer than anything I can describe, and the whole is wonderfully complete and surpassingly elegant.
“There are four bedrooms, and a dressing-room which holds a bed, and a kitchen, back-kitchen, scullery, pantry, and other conveniences. To the back is a nice little outlet of a quarter of an acre, laid out in the style of the Jardin des Plantes at Paris; and there is a splendid old patriarch of a peacock, that struts about the walls, spreads his tail, and screams delightfully. In short, it appears to me to have been built with an eye to the residence of a master of hounds.
“And this leads me to tell you that the Nabob has been to the kennel, attended by two Negroes, one of whom held a large green parasol over his head to protect him from the sun, while the other carried a Chinchilla, fur-lined, blue silk cloak to guard him from the cold. I hear he talked very big about tiger-hunting and elephant-riding, and said the waters here had done his liver a vast deal of good. I may observe that it is possible an attempt may be made by a few troublesome fellows to place him at the head of the establishment, particularly if you any longer delay appearing among us. My advice to you therefore is, to place yourself, your amiable lady, and accomplished niece, with your servants, horses, &c., on the mid-day Lilly-white-sand train, on Friday next, and make a public entry and procession from the Datton station into Handley Cross, showering half-pence among the little boys as you go. I will take upon myself to muster and marshal such a procession as will have an imposing appearance, and the Nabob will be a very bold man if he makes any attempt upon the hounds after that.
“I need not say that your amiable lady will receive from me, as M.C. of Handley Cross, all those polite attentions that are invariably paid by all well-bred gentlemen in the dignified situation I have the honour to hold, more particularly from those bearing Her Majesty’s Commission in the Army; and in the table of precedence among women that I have laid down for the regulation of the aristocratic visitors of Handley Cross Spa, the lady of the M.F.H. comes on after the members of the Royal Family, and before all bishops’ wives and daughters, peeresses, knights’ dames, justices’ wives, and so forth. Expecting then to meet you at the Datton Station on the Lilly-white-sand Railway, at three o’clock on Friday next, and to have the supreme felieity of making the personal acquaintance of a gentleman who so worthily fills so large a space in the world’s eye, I have the honour to subscribe myself, with humble respects to the ladies, dear Mr. Jorrocks,
“Faithfully your’s,
“Miserrimus Doleful, M.C. “Capt. Half-pay.”
And Jorrocks seeing there was as much chance of getting information by correspondence as there was of getting the truth by interrogatories in the days of old Chancery suits, determined to stand the shot, and wrote to say that henceforth they might append the magic letters, M.F.H., to his name. And forthwith he became so inflated, that Great Coram Street itself could hardly hold him.
CHAPTER VIII. CAPTAIN DOLEFUL’S DIFFICULTIES.
WHAT A FUSS there was preparing for Mr. Jorrocks’s reception! — Captain Doleful was perfectly beside himself, and ran about the town as though he expected her Majesty. First he went to the proprietary school, and begged a half holiday for all the little boys and girls; next he visited Mr. Whackem’s mathematical seminary, and did the like by his; Miss Prim and Miss Prosey both promised to “suspend the duties of their respective establishments” for the afternoon; and three infant schools were released from lessons all the day. “Jorrocks for ever,” was chalked upon the walls, doors, and shutters; and little children sung out his name in lisping acclamations. Publicans looked cheerful, and livery stable keepers, ostlers, and helpers talked about the price of ay and corn. Sebastian Mello called a meeting of the Religious Freedom Society, who voted eight-and-twenty shillings for placarding the town with the following comfortable assurance— “Fox-hunters will all go to — .”
The banner with the fox upon it, and the “Floreat Scientia” scroll painted for the celebrated ball and supper, was released from the darkness of Mr. Fleeceall’s gar
ret, where it had been deposited after the entertainment, and mounted on poles to lead the way in the procession; while the milliners, mantuamakers, and tailors were severally called upon to contribute silk, calico, and bunting for flags, decorations, and ribbons. Whatever Doleful demanded was necessarily ceded, so absolute was his sway over the tradespeople at the Spa. He was indeed a very great man. Did a new cheesemonger, or a new hatter, or a new milk-woman, wish to settle in the place, the good-will of the M.C. was invariably to be obtained, else it was to little use their troubling themselves to come; and the perquisites and advantages derived from these sources made a comfortable addition to his yearly income, arising from the subscription book at the library. The musicians at the wells were also under his control, and of course they received intimations to be at the Datton station before the hour that Mr. Jorrocks had privately announced his intention to arrive.
The morning sun broke cheerfully through the clouds in a good, down-rightly, determined fine day, and as Doleful threw open the latticed casement of his window, and his eye roved to the “sun-bright summit” of the distant hills, he poured forth an inward ejaculation for the success of the great enterprise of the day, and for his own especial honour and emolument. In the midst of his reverie Jemima, the maid of all work and shop-girl of the house, tapped gently at his door, and handed in a three-cornered note written on pink satin highly musked paper. Doleful started as though he had seen an apparition, for in the hand he immediately recognised the writing of his great patroness, Mrs. Barnington, and the recollection of Mrs. Jorrocks, the table of precedence among women, whereby the latter was to supplant Mrs. Barnington, the baits and lures he had held out for the purpose of securing the Jorrocks’s, together with the honour he was then instigating the inhabitants to do Mr. J., all rushed upon his mind with terrible velocity. Nor did the contents of the note assuage the anguish of his mind. It was simply this: “Mrs. Barnington will thank Capt. Doleful to wait upon her at twenty-three minutes before eleven.”
“Twenty-three minutes before eleven!” exclaimed the Captain, throwing up his hands, looking like a condemned criminal— “How like her that is! always peremptory with others and never punctual herself; well, there’s no help for it. Jemima,” exclaimed he, down the narrow staircase, to the girl who had returned to the shop, “my compliments to Mrs. Barnington, and say I will make a point of being with her at the time she names. I wonder,” continued he to himself, pacing up and down his little bedroom in his dressing-gown and slippers, “what she can want — it must be about the Jorrocks’s — and yet I could not do otherwise than I have. If she storms, I’ll rebel, and trounce her for all her airs; by Jove, I will!” saying which, he clenched his fist, and, looking in the glass, brushed up the few straggling hairs that marked the place for whiskers, and felt quite valiant. His courage, however, rather oozed out of his finger ends, as the appointed hour approached, and at twenty-one minutes before eleven by his watch, and twenty-two and a half by the church clock, he arrived at the door of his arbitrary and capricious patroness.
“Mistress is in her boudoir,” said the consequential butler on receiving the Captain at the hands of the footman, “but I’ll send up your name. Please step into the parlour,” and thereupon he turned the Captain into the fireless dining-room, and closed the door upon him.
Towards twelve o’clock, just as the Captain’s courage was nearly up again, and he had thrice applied his hand to the ivory knob of the bellspring to see which way it turned against he wanted to ring, in strutted the butler again, with “Missis’s compliments, sir, and is sorry she is indisposed at present, and hopes it will not be inconvenient to you to return at ten minutes before three.”— “Ten minutes before three,” exclaimed the Captain as a tinge of colour rose to his pallid cheeks, “impossible!” said he, “impossible!” Then recollecting himself, he desired the butler to return with his respects to Mrs. Barnington, and say that at any hour next day, he would have great pleasure in waiting upon her, but that his time was completely bespoke for the whole afternoon. The butler forthwith departed, and in about three quarters of an hour, during which time Mrs. Barnington had finished a nap on the sofa, and arranged an elegant negligée toilette wherein to appear, the butler returned, and with a bow and wave of his hand announced that “Missis would see the Captain,” whom he preceded up-stairs and handed over to Bandoline, the little French maid, stationed at the door, who ushered Captain into the presence of Mrs. Barnington in the back drawing-room. She was lying in state on a costly many-cushioned crimson and gold ottoman, dressed in a fawn-coloured robe de chambre, with a rich white Cachmere shawl thrown carelessly about her legs, below which, her elegantly-formed feet in pink swan’s-down-lined slippers protruded. Her morning cap of costly workmanship was ornamented and tied with broad satin cherry-coloured ribbons, which, with the colour of the ottoman and cushions, imparted a gentle hue to her clear but delicate complexion, and her bright silky hair flowed in luxuriant tresses from the sides. She was a malade imaginaire-ist, having originally come as a patient of Swizzle’s; but that roistering practitioner had grievously offended her by abruptly closing a long list of inquiries by replying to the question if he thought she might eat a few oysters, with “Oh, hang it, marm, yes — shells and all!” She was now pretending to read the Handley Cross Paul. Pry, while with her left hand she kept applying a costly gold vinaigrette to her nose. The room was a mass of jewellery, costly furniture, and expensive flowers.
“Good morning, Captain,” said she, with the slightest possible inclination of her head.— “Bandoline, set a chair,” which she motioned the Captain to occupy, and the pretty little man departed. “Pray,” said she, as soon as the door closed, “what is the meaning of all this to do about a Mr. Horrocks, that I read of in the Paul Pry?”
“Mr. Horrocks,” replied the Captain, colouring, “really, marm, I don’t know — it’s the first time I’ve heard the name mentioned this long time, — there was a Mr. Horrocks lived in Silenus villa the year before last, but I understood he had gone back to India.”
“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. Barnington, “that’s quite another person — these are Londoners — trades-people I hear, and the man Horrocks, the paper says, is to have the hounds.”
“Oh,” replied the Captain, now blushing to the very tips of his ears, “you’ve mistaken the name, marm. Yes, marm. — It’s Jorrocks, marm — Mister Jorrocks of Great Coram Street, marm — a merchant prince, marm — at least his father was. The present Mr. Jorrocks is a mighty sportsman, and hearing the hounds were without a leader, he wrote to offer himself, and some of the sporting gentry of the place have been in treaty with him to take them; but I need not tell you, Mrs. Barnington, that hunting is not an amusement I am partial to, indeed I hope I may never have occasion to go out again; but you know that as Master of the Ceremonies I am obliged to countenance many things that I would gladly avoid.”
“True,” replied Mrs. Barnington, with a smile of approbation— “I thought you would not be likely to encourage vulgar people coming here merely because they don’t care for breaking their necks over hedges and ditches — but tell me, isn’t there a Mrs. Jorrocks?”
“I understand so,” replied the Captain with a hem and a haw; “a lady of birth, they say; but had I known you would have interested yourself in the matter, I should certainly have informed myself so as to have been able to tell you all about her.”
“Oh dear no! not for the world! — whether as a lady of birth or a tradesman’s wife, it would never do for me to concern myself about them. You know my position here is not to be controverted by any interlopers, be they who they may, — or come from where they will.”
“Undoubtedly not, marm,” replied the obsequious M.C.; “there’s not a person in the place insensible of the advantages of your presence; but I should hope, — at least, perhaps I may venture to express a slight wish, — that if those Jorrocks’s appear respectable people, you will for the sake of sociability vouchsafe them the favour of your countenance, and
condescend to notice them a little.”
“I don’t know what to say about that, my dear Captain,” replied Mrs. Barnington thoughtfully. “If they appear respectable people, and if they live in a certain style, and if I thought the matter would rest at Handley Cross, and they would not obtrude their acquaintance upon me elsewhere, and if they appeared sensible of the obligation, I might perhaps call upon them; but where there are so many points to consider, and so many to ascertain, it is almost needless speculating upon how one might act; all that we can do for the present is to maintain one’s own consequence, and you know full well the only way to support a place like this, is to uphold the dignity of the chief patroness.”
“No doubt,” replied Captain Doleful, with a half-suppressed sigh as the table of precedence among women came across his mind. “I am sure, Madam, I have always been most anxious to pay you every respect and attention in my power, and if I have failed it has been owing to the multiplicity of my engagements and duties, and not from any want of inclination on my part.”— “I’m sure of it, Captain; and now let us see you back here at dinner at ten minutes past six.”— “With pleasure,” replied the Captain, rising to depart, with a grin of satisfaction on his melancholy visage.
