by R S Surtees
“Men that have much business of this sort ought to keep a slippery-tongued grum to whom they can refer a purchaser in a hoff ‘and sort of way, as though it were beneath their dignity to know nothin’ of the kind, and wished the grum to give every possible information, which the warmint knows a great deal better nor do.
“A respectable lookin’ grum wot can lie like truth is truly inwaluable to gen’lemen of this description. If a man is rich, he may cheat you with impunity; it is only poor men wot suffer in consequence. Honesty is of no use to licensed ‘oss dealers. Every man supposes they are roues and treat them accordingly. Who does not remember old bottle-nosed Richards? When any one axed his number, he said, “Oh, you ax any shop-keeper in Hoxford-street where the biggest rogue lives, and he’ll be sure to send you to me!’
“But to the warranty, as I said before, it’s werry inconwenient warrantin’, and if a customer sticks to his point, it is not a bad dodge to try and puzzle him by makin’ him explain wot he means by a sound ‘oss, and if he gets any way near the point, ax him if he can lay his ‘and on his ‘art, and say that he is not only sound but free from all impendin’ disease. I once frightened a chap uncommon when we got this far, by exclaimin’, ‘I’m dashed if there ain’t a hectic flush on your mug at this moment that looks werry like consumption.’ He closed the bargain immediately, and under pretence of writin’ a cheque, went into the ‘ouse and had a good look at himself in the glass. Tat is werry clever at this work, and when a Johnny-raw axes him if he warrants an ‘oss sound, he exclaims with a hair of astonishment, ‘Warrant him sound! Why sir, I wouldn’t warrant that he’s an ‘oss, let alone that he’s sound’ — haw, haw, haw. My friend Dickey Grunt, who lisps werry much, did a clever thing in this line t’other day. He sold an uncommon green ‘orn a broken-winded ‘oss, lithping out when ax’d if he warranted him sound, ‘Oh in courthe like all men I w-a-a-n-t him thound;’ whereupon the youth paid the money and dispersed for a ride. Presently he comes back with a werry long wissage, and said, ‘Vy, sir, this ’ere ‘oss is broken-winded’.
“‘I knows it,’ replies Dick, with the greatest effrontery.
“‘Then, sir, you must take him back and return me my swag, for you warranted him sound.’
“‘No thuch thing, my good fellow,’ replied Dick, ‘you mithtook me altogether; I thaid I wanted him thound! not that I warranted him thound.’ (Loud laughter).
“Old Joe Smith in Chiswell Street had a wicious nag wot would neither ride, nor drive, nor ‘unt, nor do anything that a nag ought. Well, Joe took him to Barnet fair, where he fell in with a swaggerin’ chap in tight nankeens and hessians, who axed him in a hoff ‘and sort of way, if he knowed of anything that would knock his buggy about, to which Joe conscientiously replied he did, and sold him his ‘oss. Having got the tin, Joe left the town, for Barnet is only a dull place of recreation, when what should come past him like a flash of lightenin’, but his old nag, with his ‘ead i’ the hair, kickin’ and millin’ the splash-board of a tidy yellow buggy, with a cane back, and red wheels picked out with green. Presently, up came the owner on a grey poster, with the traces all danglin’ at his ‘eels, and jist as he neared Joe, the old nag charged the rails of the new mound, snappin’ the jimmey shafts like carrots, and leavin’ the rest of the buggy scattered all over the road.
“‘Hooi, you rogue! you willain! you waggabone!’ roared the buyer, gaspin’ with rage and fatigue, ‘I’ll teach you to sell sich nags to family men of fortin! You’ve all but been the death of Mrs. and Miss Juggins and myself — Where do you live, you complicated abomination of a scoundrel?’
“Now Joe, who is a hoiley little chap, cunnin’ as the devil, and not easily put out of his way, ‘special ven it’s his interest not to be so, let Jug run on till he was fairly blown, when he werry coolly observed, jinglin’ the odd pewter in his breeches pocket, ‘My dear sir, you are labourin’ under a werry considerable mistake. If you call to mind what you axed me, it was, if I knowed an ‘oss to knock your buggy about, and egad! if he hasn’t done it to the letter, (pointin’ to the remnants on the road,) I don’t know what knockin’ about is.’
“Haw, haw, haw!” laughed Mr. Jorrocks, a chuckle in which the majority of the company joined.
“Another chap that I know had an ‘oss that was a capital ‘unter, and good at everything but ‘arness, which his soul disdained. Well, it didn’t suit the owner’s conwenience to keep anything but what the lawyers call qui tam ‘osses, that is to say, ‘osses wot will ride as well as drive; so he looked out for a customer, and presently found a softish sort of chap in green spectacles, and a shiny wite ‘at, who having tried him to ride, axed if he was quiet in ‘arness. To this the owner had no hesitation in sayin’ yes, for he had seen the nag standin’ in ‘arness without movin’ a muscle, but when the buyer wanted to tack a carriage to the ‘arness — Oh, my eyes! that was quite a different story; and my lord rebelled, and kicked the woiture to bits. The buyer tried to return him, but the owner conwinced him he was wrong, at least he conwinced him he would not take him back, which was pretty nearly the same thing.
“Daddy Higgins in Rupert-street had just such an ‘oss as Joe Smith’s — one of the reg’lar good-for-nothin’s — and sold him to a quaker to draw his cruelty wan, assurin’ him, when axed if he was quiet in harness, that it would delight Hobadiah’s eyes to see him draw. Well, the quaker tried to tackle him, but the ‘oss soon sent his ‘eels through the splash board, and when Hobadiah remonstrated, all the Daddy did was to laugh, and assure him it would delight his eyes to see him draw, for the ‘oss would never bear a pair of shafts in his life.
“But enough of sellin’ — It’s time I was sayin’ somethin’ about buyin’ — No easy matter either.
“‘Speakin’ of his time, Gambado said it was immaterial whether a purchaser went to Tattersall’s, or Haldridge’s, or Meynell’s ‘unt, or to his Majesty’s, for it was probable he would be taken in wherever he went, and things are pretty much in the same state now.
“The less a man knows about an ‘oss, the more he expects, and the greater the probability of his thinkin’ himself done. Oh, my beloved ‘earers, ‘apply is the day, when brimful of hignorance, the tyro enters on his first ‘oss dealin’ speckilation — Great may be his greenness, but age and experience will cure all that, and who would not barter grey-’eaded gumption for the joyousness of youthful confidence and indiscretion? For that pure werdancy, wot sends ingenuous youth up back-slums in search of ‘osses advertisin’ for kind masters rather than high prices, the property of noblemen deceased, or hofficers goin’ abroad. (Applause.)
“When I was a bouy, clods came to London expectin’ to find it paved with gold, and many wot read the newspaper adwertisements, must think it’s the real place for humanity and ‘oss flesh — sich shape — sich symmetry — sich action — sich temper, the most timid may ride, and sich bargains! Who would trudge, when for twenty pounds he can have a cob fit to carry a castle, or a canterin’ thorough-bred, that a child may ride. The werry trials they hoffer would keep a man goin’, prowided he could but get them.
“No man fit to be at large will ever trouble a puff advertisement. If he does, he will find himself saddled with an ‘oss that isn’t worth his saddle, or may be, taken to a police-office for stealin’ of him. Next, let him awoid choppin’ and changin’. We know what we have, but we don’t know what we may get, is a werry treasurable truism.
“Whatever may be the risks of out-and-out dealin’, there is no doubt but exchangin’ is by far the most certain loss; and it is one of those provokin’ uncertain certainties, for a man is never certain wot he loses. ‘If he don’t suit, I’ll take him back,’ says a dealer; no doubt he will, but will he return you the tin? No such thing! He’ll give you somethin’ worse, and make you give him somethin’ for doin’ so, and the oftener you change, the worse you’ll be mounted.
“There’s an old sayin’ that it’s easier to perceive the wrong than pursue the right; and I reckon it’s a vast
easier to tell a man wot he should not buy than wot he should. Walk along Piccadilly any summer afternoon, and see the seedy screws shakin’ on the cab-stands; there is age, wice, and infirmity, unaided by blisters or bran mashes. Flesh covers a multitude of sins, but cabby stands forth in the familiar anatomy of high bones, and yet there be good shapes and good pints to admire, but no one would think of buyin’ a cab ‘oss! Still there is much good awoidance to be learned by lookin’ them over.
“‘Who wants to buy an ‘oss, wot can walk five, and trot twenty miles an hour?’ exclaimed a wag among the crowd before the bettin’ room at Doncaster. ‘I do!’ ‘I do!’ ‘I do!’ replied a dozen woices. ‘Then if I hears of sich a one, I’ll let you know,’ replied the gentleman; and werry similar is my sitivation with regard to adwisin’ you where to purchase. One thing is quite certain, that you can’t buy experience with another man’s money, but then, havin’ to pay for it, he will do best wot gets it for least.
“The first step towards a purchase is to make up your mind what sort of an ‘oss you want; ‘unter, ‘ackney, charger, coach, or ‘qui tamer.’ This is a most important point, especial where you go to a dealer’s, where they never have less than thirty or forty, and as many more comin’ from ‘Orncastle or ‘Owden, or at their farms in the country. For want of this previous arrangement, I once saw a rum scene between Septimus Green, old Verd Antique’s ninth son, and Tommy Doem, wot kept the Pelican Livery and Bait Stables in Cripplegate. Old Tommy was on the eve of his perihodical bankruptcy, and jest afore shuttin’ up, Septimus arrived flourishin’ his cambric, with his white jeans strapped under his chammy leather opera boots, and a tartan Joinville across his neck. Old Tom eyed him as he swaggered down the ride, and having exchanged nods, Septimus began axin’ Tommy if he had anything in his line, jest as though he bought an ‘oss every other day. Tommy paused and considered, runnin’ his mind’s eye, as it were, through the seven stalls, and the ten stalls, and the fifteen stalls, and all the loose boxes, and then as usual he called for Joe. Joe was the pictur of a dealer’s man; red nose, blear eyes, long body, short legs, — and master and man were one. After a little side talk, in the course of which Tommy heard with regret that the brown was at Greenwich, and the roan at Dulwich, and the white at Blackheath, and half a dozen others of Green’s cut away on trial, Tommy exclaimed, with a hair of sudden enlightenment, ‘But Joe, there’s the cow! jest slip on the ‘altar, and bring her hup the ride.’
“‘Cow!’ exclaimed Septimus, ‘I wants an ‘oss!’
“‘Well, but see her out at all ewents,’ replied Tommy in the sweetest manner possible, ‘lookin’ costs nothin’, added he.
“‘But I doesn’t vont a cow!’ roared Septimus, bustin’ with rage
“Jest then the street gates closed, and hup came Joe, runnin’ the cow as he would an ‘oss, old Tommy praising her haction, and the way she lifted her leg, swearing she never would come down, takin’ no notice of Green stormin’ and swearin’ he didn’t want a cow, he wouldn’t take a cow in a gift; and I really believe if I hadn’t been there, old Tommy would have talked him into it — for he certainlie had the most buttery tongue that ever was hung — and the gates were looked into the bargain.
“But let us narrow the field of ‘oss speckilation, and view our buyer on the road to a dealer’s in search of an ‘unter. No man should go there in black silk stockin’s; dress trousers are also out of character. And here I may observe that there be two sorts of fox-’unters — the quiet fox-’unter wot goes out werry swell, but comes home and resumes the appearance of a gemman, and the Tom-and-Jerry fox-’unter wot goes out now and then, to smoke cigars, pick up a steeple-chaser, wear groomish clothes, and be able to talk of the ‘ounds. The latter are not the men for the dealer’s money. They turn the stables over from end to end, worm out the secrets, and keep a register of the fluctuations in price of each ‘oss. Some act as middle-men between the buyer and seller, gettin’ wot they can out of each for their trouble. ‘I can buy him cheaper than you,’ they say, and so they benefit the buyer by pocketin’ the difference. These are the bouys to bother a dealer’s vig! A vink from them stops many a bargain, while an approvin’ nod from such distinguished judges drives ingenuous youth into extempore bargains that they would otherwise bring half their acquaintance to inspect.
“When three men enter a yard, a dealer seldom opens out. Two are plenty for business — if the buyer is pea-green, he had better get some riper friend to play first fiddle, and he must be spectator. If he has a button at his ‘at and ‘olds his tongue, he may pass for a quiet fox-’unter, and so command respect. There’s ‘masonry’ in fox-’unting, and a loop in at the linin’, or a button behind, will do more than all the swagger and bluster in the world.
It is an inwariable rule with the dealers to praise the bad points and let the good ‘uns speak for themselves. It is a waste of time observin’ that an ‘oss is large in the ‘ead or light in the carcase, ‘cause a contradiction is sure to follow. It is equally useless axin’ the age of a dealer’s ‘oss, because they are all ‘six h’off.’ If you object to shape, make, or colour, they will tell you it’s all fancy! That some folks like a happle others a honion, and Lord So-and-So would give any price for sich an ‘oss. As to hargufying with a dealer, that’s quite out of the question, because he has his cut and dried answers to every obserwation you can make, and two or three grums to swear to what he says. Keep, therefore, in mind what Gambado said about being done, keep also in view the sort of nag you want, and don’t be talked into buyin’ a cow, and when an ‘oss of your figure makes his appearance, look him full in the face, as though you were used to such interviews. If you have read about sand-cracks, and sallenders, and sit-fasts, and thorough-pins, and quittors, and locked jaws, and curbs, you will save yourself the trouble of enquirin’ after any of them by axin’ the dealer if he’ll warrant him sound. In course he’ll say yes, and you may then proceed with your view. The precept ‘no fut no ‘oss,’ is well to be borne in mind perhaps, as also ‘no ‘ock no ‘unter.’ Now ‘ark forward!
“The dealer, what with his tongue and his whip, will keep you and the nag in a state of trepidation.
“All the good qualities ‘oss flesh is heir to will be laid to his charge, and there will be nothin’ you can ax but what he will be able to do— ‘Leap! Lor bless you, Sir, I vish you’d see’d him last Friday gone a week with the Queen’s staggers at Slough. We was a runnin’ old Skylark, wot always goes straight, when he planted the field at a six foot vall, dashed and coped with broken bottles — Not another ‘oss looked at it, and Davis declared he never see’d sich a lip in his life.’
“Spooney.— ‘Vill he go in ‘arness, do you think?’
“Dealer.— ‘Quietest crittur alive! Jack’s eldest bouy here, a lad o’ thirteen, driv him and another to Mile End and back, ‘long the Stand, through Fleet Street, Cheapside, and all, busiest time o’ day, and he nouther looked to the right nor the left. Lay your leg over him, sir!’
“Now this latter is an inwitation for the gen’leman to mount, and if so be he of the button has never been much used to ride, he had better let his friend use his leg, or should neither be werry expert, let the dealer’s man throw his over. Some ‘osses don’t like strangers, and nothin’ looks so foolish as a man floored in a dealer’s yard. Still mountin’ is the first step in practical ‘ossmanship, and it don’t need no conjuror to know that unless a man mount he can have no ride. Should our friend think well of the nag’s looks, perhaps he cannot begin his acquaintance too soon. If he sees no wite of the eye or symtoms of wice, no coaxin’ or whooain’, or shoulderin’ to get him to stand, let him march boldy up and mount, like William the Conqueror. ‘Osses are queer critturs, and know when we are frightened of them just as well as we do ourselves. Born to be controlled, they stoop to the forward and the bold!
“If Green’orn gets fairly up, the chances are he likes his mount. It is pleasant to find one’s self carried instead of kicked off, and some ‘osses never r
ide so well as on trial. Out then Spooney goes, and tries all his paces; a self-satisfied smile plays on his mug, as rein on neck he returns down the covered ride, and the dealer, with a hair of indifference, axes, ‘‘Ow he likes him?’
Spooney.— ‘Why pretty well — but I think he ray-ther pulls — I fear he’ll be windictive with ‘ounds.’
Dealer.— ‘Pulls! Vy, if you pulls at him, in all humane probability he’ll pull at you — otherwise you might ride him with a thread,’ addin’ aside, ‘I sells ‘osses not ‘ands. Finest mouth’d nag I ever was on!’
Spooney.— ‘Well, but you’ll take a lee-the less than what you ax?’
Dealer.— ‘Couldn’t take a fardin’ less! — gave within three sovs. of that myself, and brought him all the vay from ‘Orncastle — Squire Smith will take him if you don’t — indeed, here comes his grum.’
“Here the dealer’s liveried and booted servant appears.
“The bargain is then closed — the money paid, a warranty included in the stamped receipt, and Spooney’s first ride is to Field’s, or the Weterinary College, to have him examined. One pound one is thus added to his price.
“Thus, my beloved ‘earers,” concluded Mr. Jorrocks, “have I conducted you through the all-perilous journey of your first deal, showin’ how warious and conflictin’ are the opinions relative to ‘osses, and how, as in many cases, wot is one man’s meat is anither man’s puzzon. Far be it from me to say, that you will be much wizer from anything you have heard, for the old stager will find nothin’ but what he knew before, while all that can be taught the beginner is not to be too sanguinary in his expectations.
“‘Turn about is fair play,’ as the devil said to the smoke-jack, and it is only right that those wot have inwested capital in the purchase of experience, should be allowed to get a little back. By-and-by it will be Green’orn’s turn, and then little Spooney, who now goes sneakin’ up the yard, will swagger boldly in, commandin’ the respect and attention of the world.
