by R S Surtees
Mr. Jorrocks hemmed and stroked his chin.
“If we look at home, who can for a moment doubt the advantages the virtuous simplicity of a country life possesses over the confinement of cities? Look at the robust offspring of country parents, and compare them with the squalid objects in town streets. Who would barter the wild freedom of rural life for the impure and pent-up atmosphere of the crowded city?”
“It’s not so bad, nouther,” remarked Mr. Jorrocks aloud, with a shake of his head, thinking of the salubrity of St. Botolph’s Lane, where the greater part of his days had been passed.
“Gentlemen,” continued the Marquis, “can I, with all the bright examples of antiquity before me — with all the noble emulation of modern times around me — can I remain insensible to the paramount importance of agricultural energy and improvement? Can I see the tenfold return of other parts, and not wish to witness the same efforts and the same success at home?”
“Mind the shug” whispered Mr. Jorrocks, in one of his audible whispers.
“And, gentlemen, how is it that so desirable a consummation is to be obtained? By the co-operation of parties and the communication of ideas! By Agricultural Associations in fact!” (Cheers.)
“Shug” repeated Mr. Jorrocks “My noble friend — that is to say, my excellent friend on my left — with his all-powerful and comprehensive mind, has imparted a discovery to this meeting of which I really am at a loss to say whether the originality of the conception or the boldness of the execution is the most astonishing. My noble friend — that is to say, my learned friend — that is to say, my excellent friend, is indeed a man to whom a country — nay, an universe — may well look up with the all-inspiring confidence of perfect security. I know no man so qualified to lead the sons of darkness into the lights of science as our excellent and most distinguished host.” (Loud applause.)
“Werry good,” said Mr. Jorrocks; “werry good — mind the shug” —
“His monster reaper will make the name of Jorrocks famous wherever farming science spreads, and English honesty is respected. It is by the interchange of ideas such as these that science is promoted, and farming flourishes. Instead of keeping the noble invention to himself and astonishing the country with its performances on his own property — instead of amassing wealth — as wealth most assuredly must be amassed by such an admirable contrivance — my noble friend — that is to say, my agricultural friend, with all the generous openness of confiding liberality, assembles his friends and fellow-farmers here this evening, in all the bounty of old English hospitality, and frankly tells them the discovery he has made. And in what a fine vein of poetic spirit did he make the announcement! Instead of saying, ‘I’ve got a machine that will cut your corn and grind it at the same time’” —
“And plough the land!” roared Mr. Jorrocks.
“Instead, I say, gentlemen, of saying, ‘I’ve got a machine that will cut your corn and plough your land at the same time’” —
“And grind your corn!” screamed Mr. Jorrocks.
“Instead, I say, my lords, of saying, ‘ I’ve got a machine that will cut and grind your corn and plough the land at the same time ‘ — he invokes the aid of the heathen mythology to describe its performances. And here it is where all after speakers must feel the feebleness of their own resources (applause and cries of “No, ho”); at all events, other discoveries or other communications must sink into insignificance by the side of our excellent host’s. His monster reaper swallows all up! Yet, my lords and gentlemen, there are matters connected with farming, though apparently trifling compared with the topics on which our noble — that is to say, our scientific host, has touched with such a master hand, that nevertheless may not be wholly beneath your consideration and attention. Our noble host — that is to say, our hospitable host, has glanced with prophetic spirit at the flights by air and steam farming may yet undergo. But leaving those lofty altitudes, so well befitting the soaring genius of his capacious mind, I will venture to request your attention for a few moments while we look at the humbler preparations for calling that noble and comprehensive engine into play, or freighting the car of the aërial ship. It is too trite a truism perhaps to observe, that without proper preparation of the ground, monster engines will have little to reap; and there is one subject connected with the preparation of the ground for productive sowing that at the present day occupies no small portion of public attention — I allude of course to the grand discovery of draining. Draining, gentlemen, I believe, may be looked upon as one of the greatest discoveries of modern times. Moreover, it is not included in the comprehensive performances of our host’s monster reaper. Had our forefathers been acquainted with the merits of draining, I think I may venture to say, the land would have been doubly productive at the present day. That operation may be carried on in a variety of ways; but as there are constantly improvements turning up in this very important branch of domestic industry, if I may so call it, I think it is very important that farmers should be in possession of the latest and most improved invention, because the saying is as old as the hills, that whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well; and it would be very provoking to find, after you had gone to a certain degree of trouble and expense about a thing, that if you had made inquiry you would have found there was a process both cheaper and better. The invention, gentlemen, to which I allude, I understand is allowed to supersede all others, by reason of an extraordinary ingredient that would never enter the head of any but a most scientific and practical chemist to add — namely, the glutinacious, saccharine matter, called clayed sugar.”
“Werry good,” observed Mr. Jorrocks, tapping his fork against the table to raise applause and suppress a slight disposition to titter; “werry good, I say!”
“The recipe, with that exception, gentlemen, is very simple, the ingredients being generally come-at-able — clay, river-sand, and gravel, lime, well mixed and stirred up together, and then poured into the shapes, when, for a very trifling expense, you have some very capital tiles.”
“Werry durable” whispered Mr. Jorrocks.
“And very durable also,” continued the Marquis; “no small recommendation, I imagine, to any invention.”
“Werry good,” observed Mr. Jorrocks, adding aloud to himself, with a jerk of the head, “the chap has summut in him.”
“Having now, my lords and gentlemen,” continued the Marquis, “trespassed, I fear, already too lengthily on your valuable time, in glancing at the importance of agricultural science, little remains for me to say but to repeat to you my most cordial and heartfelt thanks for the kind and enthusiastic manner in which the toast of my health has been proposed and received; and allow me to assure the meeting that the cause of agriculture and the farming interest is deeply engraved on my heart’s core; and in whatever situation of life I may be placed, the honour you have conferred upon me, in electing me President of your Agricultural Association, will ever remain the proudest — the most gratifying recollection of my existence, and the farmer’s interest and my own will henceforth remain irretrievably interwoven together.”
His lordship resumed his seat amidst loud and long-continued applause.
The punch and bottles again began to circulate, and the usual criticism of Mr. Jorrocks’s speech, that had been averted by the immediate rising of the Marquis, now began to flow, each man turning to his neighbour, or groups of three or four laying their heads together, and discussing what they had heard.
“Ah, but he has a grand tongue!” exclaimed old Willey Goodheart, as he ceased rapping the table with his fork, in mute astonishment. “Ah, but he has a grand tongue!” repeated he to his neighbour, Johnny Wopstraw.
“Why, now, upon the who-o-ole, I should say our Squire’s full as fine a talker as him,” replied Wopstraw.
“Ah, the Squire’s a grand tongue, too,” exclaimed Willey; “I’ll lay he’d make a grand speech about anything.”
“What sort o’ things are these pine-apples our Squire talked about?” asked
another of his neighbour. “I never see them mentioned in the papers.” —
“He’s all wrong about draining,” whispered another to his neighbour; “it’s nothing new — my grandfather drained — I’d have had all the wet off my farm before now if I had had the money.”
“I wish these gen’lmen mayn’t be o’er-wise for the country,” observed Mr. Heavytail, in his usual loud and audible voice, to his opposite neighbour, as he ladled him a bumper of punch; “I’ve been a farmer, man and boy, these fifty years, and heard a vast of fine speeches, but I never heard nothing to ekle this about the air carriages. What will my old girl say when I bid her spread her wings and fly to market instead of riding old Dobbin or Smiler?”
“Ah, but the engine’s the thing!” interposed another; “there’ll be no use for horses at all, if we’re to plough by steam, and fly to market. I wish I was well shot o’ mine, for when this gets wind, nobody will take a horse in a gift.”
“Dear, what would old Squire Westbury say, if he could rise from his grave, and see all this, poor man?” observed another. “I’m sure when they got the railway made, I thought that was a wonder that never could be beat; but now down comes a new Squire with new wonders that quite beat the old wonders out of sight.”
“These Lunnuners are terrible wise people. I’m sure I don’t know how I shall carry all home what they’ve said,” observed another, turning a tumbler of punch down his throat, as if to keep the knowledge safe.
A loud knocking at the top of the table arrested the noise and conversation; and Mr. Jorrocks having obtained silence for his noble guest, the latter again rose and addressed the company.
“Mr. Vice-Chairman and Gentlemen,” said he, “with the permission of the chair, I rise to propose a toast that I feel well assured will meet the enthusiastic approbation of this meeting — a meeting composed of friends and neighbours, who must as thoroughly appreciate the amiable, hospitable, and truly patriotic character of which it is the subject — a character, permit me to observe, gentlemen, known only in this highly-favoured kingdom, and one which, when it shines forth in its brightest purest light, as in the present instance, needs fear no comparison with coroneted, or even with crowned, heads — the character of an English gentleman.” (Loud cheers.)
“Quite true,” observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself; “quite true,” repeated he, with an emphasis.
“I know no more delightful sight,” continued the Marquis, “than to see an English gentleman surrounded by his friends and tenantry — dispensing with liberal hand that generous hospitality of which we have all partaken so largely this day, and radiating the minds of all with the lights and erudition that his well-applied means, leisure, and genius enable him to glean and cull in every field of science and information (loud cheers). No one, I feel assured, could have listened to the eloquent language of my noble friend, that is to say, of my honourable friend, without being struck with the perfect mastery he exhibited of his subject — a mastery acquired by clear-headed judgment and observation, combined with long experience and practical husbandry. I cannot sufficiently felicitate this country on the acquisition of so truly valuable an ornament (cheers). I feel that under his fostering care, prosperity, bright unequalled prosperity, will reign triumphant throughout this vale, and that all eyes will be turned to a man who promises such miracles to farmers. Without trespassing further on your attention, I beg to propose, with all the honours, the health of our excellent host, Mr. Jorrocks.”
The toast being received with most uproarious applause, amid the bountiful replenishment of the horse-pail, considerable time elapsed ere silence was sufficiently restored to enable our worthy Squire to make his acknowledgments. At length he began.
“My Lord Markis and gen’lmen,” said he, sticking a hand into each breeches pocket, “you have certainlie served me out a considerable deal o’ butter and applause, which I feels considerably your debtors for. My Lord Markis has one adwantage over me in the way of talk; he has his jawin’ tackle much handier nor I have, for though I can make you a werry hoiley, beautiful oration when I’ve time to consider my subject, I’m not quite so good a ‘and at reply; runnin’ heel as it were, and observin’ on another gen’lman’s discourse — at least, not unless he’s told me afore’ and wot lie’s a goin’ to say, which is not the case on the present occasion. Howsomever, it’s a deal plisanter to be praised nor abused, and I’m sure I may say I’m always ready for praise, because I thinks I deserves it; I feels extremely grateful for all the fine things the Markis has said on me. I’m sure he thinks what he says. There’s no manner of doubt at all whatsomever, that between us we shall make farmin’ a werry different thing to what it has been. The diskivery my noble frind has communicated respecting the drainin’ tiles, is worthy the serious consideration and trial of every man. Bein’ particular well acquainted with the wirtues o’ sugar, I can take upon me to say that it is wonderful well calkilated to accomplish what my noble frind has suggested. It sticks things together uncommon. Howsomever, upon that pint perhaps my Lord Markis and I have said enough. The proof o’ the puddin’ is in the eatin’; and talkin’ of eatin’ reminds me o’ drinkin’. We’re a goin’ to have a little ballet dance this evening— ‘ands across and back again, down the middle and hup again; and I think we cannot do better than propose the ‘ealth of the ladies (applause); there’ll be sich a bevy o’ beauties — Mrs. J. in her best bib and tucker, surrounded by her school-girls in their bran new bustles, and I doesn’t know what else besides; so without further palaver, let us drink their good ‘ealths, and when you’ve all had as much lush as you can carry, we’ll adjourn the meeting and go and help them to foot it.”
“Will Miss Flather be here?” whispered the Marquis in Mr. Jorrocks’s ear, as the latter sat down after his speech.
“Miss Flather — Emma! let us see — yes — no — no, she won’t; got a toothache or summut o’ that sort; werry sorry previous engagement — red nose p’raps, or summut o’ that sort.”
“O dear, I’m sorry for that,” whispered the Marquis.
“Fine gal, Emma,” observed Mr. Jorrocks confidentially, “werry fine gal — good figure — good figure-’ead too, as the sailors say — but there’ll be quite as diver a one as her here to-night, darter o’ this rum-lookin’ little fish on my right,” whispered he; “howsomever, she hasn’t taken arter her dad, but arter her dam, who’s a real strappin’ huzzey — great hupstandin’, black-’air’d, black-eyed, clean-limb’d wench, nous werrons, as we say in France; meanwhile I must be giving them another toast.” Mr. Jorrocks then proposed, “Honest men and bonny lasses,” then “Live and let live,”
“Speed the; plough;” after that, “Guano,”
“Nitrate o’ sober,”
“Smith o’ Deanston,”
“Soot,” and a variety of local and agricultural toasts.
“How far does Miss Flather live from here?” inquired the Marquis, of his host, as soon as he could get a word in sideways. —
“Oh, close at ‘and,” replied Mr. Jorrocks, “mile— ‘alf-a-mile p’raps; wot are you a-wantin’ with her?”
This question was rather a poser, and the Marquis’s countenance showed it.
“Nothin’ wrong in course,” continued our friend, “only you know she ha’nt got no dad, and it’s my duty as Lord o’ the Manor to see that all’s on the square — you twig. If you wants to marry her, in course that’s another thing.”
The Marquis thought he had better not.
The parting rays of the setting sun now shot into the room, imparting an additional glow to the heated faces of the punch-drinkers, while the bright red sky tinged the landscape with its hue, chiding, as it were, the sitters for their depravity. Added to this, the sound of music was borne ever and anon on the gentle evening breeze, and sundry smart bodices had been seen flitting past the windows, diving among the shrubberies and gay flower-beds, betokening the mustering of the dancers. The heat of the room, the smell of the punch, and the feeling of repleti
on, made even the most inveterate toper wish for fresh air. At length the host rose, and the folding windows opening from the ground being thrown open, the party streamed out on to the close-shaven lawn, and inhaled the fresh air in deep-drawn hearty gulphs. How different from the tainted atmosphere they had just been breathing!
