by R S Surtees
An evident shudder ran along the Tory end of the bench as Mr. Jorrocks entered at the other, and all eyes were turned upon the new Justice. The Chairman, who was just disposing of a case, made Mr. Jorrocks a very low bow; and the Clerk having produced a great skin of parchment, and informed their worships that there was a gentleman going to take the oaths — forthwith turned to Mr. Jorrocks for the purpose of administering them, amid half-suppressed expressions of disgust from the bench. “Downright insult! — Resign to-night! — Political purpose! — Disgrace to the country! — Greasy old chandler! — The Duke must be mad.” Mr. Jorrocks, having taken the book in his right hand, proceeded to repeat, after the Clerk, the following oath: —
“I, John Jorrocks, do sincerely promise and swear that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Wictoria: so help me God.” And thereupon he gave the Testament a hearty smack.”
“Please to repeat after me again,” said the Clerk —
“I, John Jorrocks, do swear that I do from my ‘eart obor, detest, and abjure, as impious and heretical, that damnable doctrine and position that Princes excommunicated or deprived by the Pope or any authority of the See of Rome, may be deposed or murthered by their subjects, or any other whatsoever. And I do declare that no foreign prince, person, prelate, state, or potentate, hath, or ought to have, any jurisdiction, power, superiority, pre-eminence, or authority, ecclesiastical or spiritual, within this realm: so help me God.”
“No more they ought,” observed Mr. Jorrocks, kissing the book.
“Now, again,” said the Clerk, commencing with a third oath —
“I, John Jorrocks, do truly and sincerely acknowledge, profess, testify, and declare, in my conscience, before God and the world, that our Sovereign Lady Queen Wictoria” —
“Not Wictoria, but Victoria” observed the Clerk.
“Victoria,” repeated Mr. Jorrocks, “that-our Sovereign Lady Queen Wictoria is lawful and rightful Queen of this realm, and all other Her Majesty’s dominions and countries thereunto belonging: and I do solemnly and sincerely declare that I do believe, in my conscience, that not any of the descendants of the person who pretended to be Prince of Whales” —
“Not Whales, but Wales,” observed the Clerk.
“I said Whales,” observed Mr. Jorrocks, adding, “but I don’t know who you’re a talkin’ about. The Prince o’ Whales can’t ‘ave no heirs, he’s only a babby.”
“Never mind that,” replied the Clerk, “you follow me, if you please, sir.”— “And I do solemnly and sincerely declare, that I do believe, in my conscience, that not any of the descendants of the person who pretended to be Prince of Whales, during the life of the late King James the Second” —
“I doesn’t know nothin’ about King James the Second,” observed Mr. Jorrocks, breaking off again, with a shake of the head, amid the hearty laughter of the bench.
“That’s nothing, sir,’ observed the Clerk; “it’s a mere matter of form.”
“Well, but why should I swear agin a gen’lman that I knows nothin’ whatever of, and wot has never done me no ‘arm?”
“Oh sir, it’s a mere matter of form,” repeated the Clerk.
“So chaps always say when they come to got one to accept a bill for them,” observed Mr. Jorrocks; “mere matter o’ form — I doesn’t like these mere matters o’ form.”
“Well, but all these gentlemen on the bench have sworn the same thing. Indeed, you can’t be a magistrate unless you do. Pray let us go on, for you are not half done yet, and it only wants a quarter to twelve.”
“And I do solemnly and sincerely declare that I do believe in my conscience, that not any of the descendants of the person who pretended to be Prince of Whales during the life of the late King James the Second, and, since his decease, pretended to be and took upon himself the style and title of King of England” —
“Never heard of the gen’lman,” observed Mr. Jorrocks.
“By the name of James the Third, or of Scotland by the name of James the Eighth, or the style and title of King of Great Britain, hath any right or title whatsoever to the crown of this realm” —
“Certainly not,” said Mr. Jorrocks, “it’s our Queen’s, and I’ll stand up for her!”
“Or any other the dominions thereunto belonging,” read the Clerk, followed by Mr. Jorrocks, “and I do renounce, refuse, and abjure any allegiance or obedience to any on ’em.”
“So I do,” said Mr. Jorrocks, giving the book another hearty smack.
“But that’s not all,” said the Clerk; “you must swear a little more yet. Please repeat after me again —
“And I do swear that I will bear faith and true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Wictoria, and her will defend to the utmost of my power against all traitorous conspiracies and attempts whatsoever, which shall be made against her person, crown, and dignity.”
“So I vill,” observed Mr. Jorrocks, panting for breath.
“And I will do my utmost endeavour to disclose and make known to Her Majesty and her successors all treasons and traitorous conspiracies which I shall know to be again’ her or any on ’em.”
“And ’ow am I to do that?” inquired Mr. Jorrocks; “write to her, or how?”
“Oh, just let the Clerk of the Peace know — Her Majesty (won’t trouble you to write to her yourself.”
“No trouble — rayther a pleasure,” observed Mr. Jorrocks. “And I do faithfully promise to the utmost of my power to support, maintain, and defend the succession of the crown against the descendants of the said James.”
“I dare say none o’ them will trouble it,” observed Mr. Jorrocks.
“Very likely not,” replied the Clerk, adding, “please to repeat after me —
“And against all other persons whatever,” read on the Clerk, “which succession, by an Act intituled ‘An Act for the further limitation of the crown, and better securing the rights and liberties of the subject,’ is, and stands limited to the Princess Sophia, electress and Duchess-Dowager of Hanover, and the heirs of her body, being Protestants. And all these things I do plainly and sincerely acknowledge and swear, according to these express words by me spoken, and according to the plain and common-sense understanding of the same words, without any equivocation, mental evasion, or secret reservation whatsoever.”
“Wait a minute till I get wind,” begged Mr. Jorrocks; “you really run me off my legs, you go so fast.”
“And I make this recognition, acknowledgment, abjuration, renunciation, and promise, heartily, willingly, and truly, upon the faith of a true Christian.”
“‘Deed do I not” observed Mr. Jorrocks aloud to himself. “So help me God. Kiss the book.”
Thereupon Mr. Jorrocks kissed it again. —
Having gulped these, and one or two other similar and equally sensible oaths, our excellent friend sank exhausted on the bench — a full-blown beak. —
Captain Bluster, who had been waiting the completion of the ceremony, now seized him by the hand, and congratulated Mr. Jorrocks on “becoming one of them.”
“Thank’ee,” puffed Mr. Jorrocks; “thank’ee,” repeated he, adding, as he looked at the Captain, “you have the adwantage o’ me.” —
“My name’s Bluster,” observed the Captain, “Captain Bluster; I’ve heard of you — glad to see you on the bench — very proper appointment;” adding confidentially, in a whisper in Mr. Jorrocks’s ear, “these Tory beggars want looking after; we’ll keep them in order.”
“You’re one o’ the right sort, I s’pose,” observed Mr. Jorrocks.
“True blue? observed Captain Bluster, with a wink; “down with the bishops!”
“Civil and religious liberty, the greatest good for the greatest number — gover’ment without patronage, as it was in our day,” observed Mr. Jorrocks.
“You had better put on your hat,” observed Captain Bluster; “there’s no doing justice with your hat off.”
“No more there is!” replied Mr. Jorrocks, sticking it a-to
p of his wig, and giving it a thump on the crown that sounded through the Court, and sent a shower of flour over his own face.
The Clerk having pocketed Mr. Jorrocks’s ten pounds for all the oaths he had made him swallow, now called on the next case— “Mortimer Green against John Tugwell.”
The parties being ranged at the bar, the Clerk, taking up the information, addressed himself to the defendant, saying— “This is an information charging you with having, on Friday night last, put your ass into a field of oats belonging to the complainant, Mortimer Green. You will hear the evidence against you.”
Mrs. Mortimer Green was then sworn “to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
This being Mrs. Green’s first appearance before that august tribunal, a bench of magistrates, she was rather nervous; and “Captain Bluster, thinking to show off before Mr. Jorrocks, addressed her fiercely with —
“Now, ma’am! why don’t you speak?”
“Please, gentlemen, I was going to say” —
“Going! Why didn’t you say it?”
Mrs. Green stared.
“Now, what are you gaping at? why don’t you speak? who are you? where do you come from? what’s your name? what’s brought you here? Tell us all about it!”
“Please, gentlemen,” recommenced Mrs. Green, “last Friday — no, last Thursday as is gone a fortnight” —
“Now, whether do you mean Thursday or Friday?” roared Captain Bluster; “remember you’re on your oath.”
“Please, gentlemen, last Thursday as is gone a fortnight, my husband took badly in his stomach” —
“Good God! what has your husband’s stomach to do with the case? Why don’t you tell us about the ass?”
“I was going to, sir, when you interrupted me,” observed Mrs. Green, addressing Captain Bluster.
“Me interrupted you! I never interrupted you.! Why don’t you tell us about the ass?”
“Perhaps we had better let her tell the story in her own way,” observed the Chairman; “it will, perhaps, save time in the end. Now, my good woman,” continued he, addressing the witness encouragingly, “tell us as shortly as you can what you have to say about this man and his ass.”
“Please, gentlemen,” observed Mrs. Green, gathering herself together for a third effort, “last Thursday as is gone a fortnight, my husband took bad in his stomach, and I went down to Doctor Bolus’s to get a penn’orth of peppermint water — peppermint water, you see, gentlemen, is recommended in these cases —— — —” —
“Hang your peppermint water,” growled Captain Bluster; “I’ll be bound to say you’re a regular old thief.”
“And as the doctor wasn’t in when I got there,” continued the witness, “I sat down in the back kitchen to smoke my pipe and wait till he came.”
“Nasty stinkin’ old beast,” grunted Mr. Jorrocks, who hated tobacco.
“It so happened, you see, gentlemen, that the doctor’s people had been washing that day, and all the wet clothes were in the front kitchen, or I should have gone in there.”
“Well, never mind that,” observed the Chairman; “tell us now what happened to you as you sat in the back kitchen?”
“Well, and I hadn’t sat there very long, not more than a quarter of an hour at farthest, when just as the young lady of the house — that’s the third little girl like — came in with her kitten, and she asked Susan, that’s the cook, for a saucerful of skim milk for it, and” —
“Oh dear me, can’t you tell us about the ass?” roared Captain Bluster again, regardless of the Chairman’s recommendation.
“I was going to, sir, when you interrupted me,” again observed Mrs. Green.
“Me interrupt you! I didn’t interrupt you — I never interrupt anybody — I can’t interrupt anybody.”
“Well, now, what happened,” continued the Chairman, anxious to help the complainant on; “did the girl go for the milk?”
“That was just what I was going to tell you, gentlemen,” observed the imperturbable witness. “Said she, that’s Susan — said she, that’s the third saucerful of skim milk you’ve asked me for to-day, Miss Elizabeth; and really if you stuff your cat so full, it’ll catch no mice; however, the young lady was so pressing, that Susan at last consented, and getting the key of the dairy off the kitchen range, just from behind a plate like,” continued the witness, running her hand along the rail at the bar, as if in the act of feeling for a key, “she took the empty saucer off the floor, and went away to get it. Well, she hadn’t been gone I dare say the length of a minute, when I heard a knock at the door — one knock, like that,” giving the bar a rap with her knuckles, “and thinking it might be somebody wanting the doctor, I laid down my pipe and went to open it. Well, you see, there was a small chain on the door, which I didn’t see at first, and so before I got it open there was another knock.
‘ Who’s there?’ said I. ‘Open the door,’ said some one, ‘and see;’ and accordinglie I did, and there stood this man, with an arm full of brooms, and an ass laden with more at his side.”
“Well now,” interrupted the Chairman, “we don’t want to hear about any bargaining that took place or anything that passed about the brooms, but tell us as shortly as you can when you saw the ass again.”
“Yes, gentlemen,” replied the old lady, evidently disconcerted, and giving her nose a wipe with a folded-up red handkerchief. “Well then, but I should tell you that by this time Susan, that is the cook, had got back with the milk — . the skim milk, and” —
“D — n the milk!” roared Captain Bluster, “didn’t you hear the Chairman tell you to stick to the ass? Do you think we’ve got nothing to do but sit here and listen to your rambling stories?”
“Well, then, sir, I’m sure you’re very welcome to go,” replied the old lady with great naïveté, producing a burst of laughter from the bench and bystanders.
“Can’t you tell us about finding the ass in the corn without going into other particulars?” asked the Chairman.
“Well, sir, your worship, what you please.”
“Nay, it’s what you please, only we should like you to get on with your story.”
“Well then, gentlemen, on Thursday night, or early on Friday morning, my husband took badly in his stomach again, and after trying if the pains wouldn’t go off with warm flannels and ginger, he asked me to put on my clothes and go to Doctor Bolus’s for another penn’orth of peppermint water. This was just about daybreak; but there was a heavy mist that morning, and it might be rather later than we thought, for our clock had run down, and as we were going to have her cleaned, my husband thought it wasn’t worth having her wound up until that was done. Well, as I went down the lane, I saw a pair of long ears bobbing up and down in our corn, and being struck with astonishment, I stood debating whether to go back to my husband or to see to it myself; but thinking of the badliness of his stomach, and the dampness of the morning, I considered I had better face it myself; and so, on I went, and just as I got to the gate at the turn of the road, I saw this villain coming over the hedge, pulling his ass after him through the hedge.”
“Very good,” said the Chairman, glad to get to the end of the story. “You swear that you saw a man bringing his ass out of your field, and that this is the man.”
“Oh, I swear that’s the man, for I went up to him, and abused him right well.” —
“We don’t doubt that,” observed Captain Bluster.
“Now, Tugwell,” said the Chairman, addressing the defendant, “you hear what that witness says. Do you wish to ask her any questions?” —
“Undoubtedly I do, your worship,” replied the man — a swarthy, herculean-looking fellow, with corkscrew ringlets, open neck, green plush waistcoat with yellow sprigs, and a double row of blue-bead buttons, cord breeches, dirty white stockings, and heavy laced ankle-boots. “Didn’t I forewarn you,” with great gravity asked he, “when I saw you at Doctor Bolus’s, to make up your gap, otherwise my ass would be getting into your field?
”
“Never such a thing!” screamed the old lady, “never such a thing! We talked about nothing but the price of the brooms: you said you could sell cheaper than anybody else, for though they all stole their stuff, you stole yours ready made.”
“That’s all gammon! I’d scorn the action!” replied the defendant, with an indignant curl of the lip. “I’m noted as the honestest besom-maker on our circuit. Your worships, my character stands too high to be damaged by such an old devil as this.”
“We can’t allow such language here,” observed Captain Bluster sharply. —
“Your defence is, I suppose,” said the Chairman, “that the field was not properly fenced, and so your ass got in.”
“Precisely so, your worship,” replied the man, adopting the idea, or rather assenting to it, for it is the usual defence of the brotherhood.
“Pray, then, may I ask where you keep your ass?” inquired the Chairman.
“Sometimes in one place, sometimes in another, your worship. Mercantile men like us, your worship, are generally on the move, and we are obliged to put up with such quarters as we can get.”
“Ay, but had you, on the night on which your ass is charged with being in Green’s corn-field, any place to put him?”
“Why, not exactly, your worships. I was intending to be on the move by daylight, and I just turned the poor beast into the lane, and this stupid old woman persisting in not making up her gap, why, I’m ashamed to say he so far forgot himself as to go in. It’s the first time, your worships, I assure you, such a thing ever happened, and it will be the last, for, without any disrespect to your worships, I feel this is not a place for a respectable man to be in.”
The Clerk, on referring to his books, contradicted Tugwell’s assertion, by observing that he had been convicted of a similar offence in a clover-field about a twelvemonth before.
The Chairman observed that depasturing an animal on a highway was an offence punishable by fine. The justices then considered their sentence. Mr. Brown had no doubt Tugwell was an old offender. Mr. Green would have been better pleased if he had been caught going into the field instead of coming out. The Chairman inquired what state the fence was in, and found it was very good. Captain Bluster thought, if he broke the fence, he might be caught under the Wilful Damage Act.
