by R S Surtees
“Pray, are your clocks here by London time?” he asked of a respectable elderly-looking man whom he saw turn out of the entry leading to the Kingston rooms, and take the usual survey first up the town and then down it, and afterwards compose his hands in his breeches-pockets, there to stand to see the “world.” “Come now, old ‘un — none o’ your tricks here — you’ve got a match on against time, I suppose,” was all the answer he could get after the man (old R — n the ex-flagellator) had surveyed him from head to foot.
Footnote 17: Newmarket or London — it’s all the same— “The world” is but composed of one’s own acquaintance.
We need hardly say after all these rebuffs that when Mr. Jorrocks met the Yorkshireman, he was not in the best possible humour; indeed, to say nothing of the extreme sharpness and suspicion of the people, we know of no place where a man, not fond of racing, is so completely out of his element as at Newmarket, for with the exception of a little “elbow shaking” in the evening, there is literally and truly nothing else to do. It is “Heath,” “Ditch in,” “Abingdon mile,” “T.Y.C. Stakes,” “Sweepstakes,” “Handicaps,” “Bet,” “Lay,” “Take,” “Odds,” “Evens,” morning, noon and night.
Mr. Jorrocks made bitter complaints during the breakfast, and some invidious comparisons between racing men and fox-hunters, which, however, became softer towards the close, as he got deeper in the delicacy of a fine Cambridge brawn. Nature being at length appeased, he again thought of turning out, to have a look, as he said, at the shows on the course, but the appearance of his friend the Baron opposite the window, put it out of his head, and he sallied forth to join him. The Baron was evidently incog.: for he had on the same short dirty-white waistcoat, Chinese boots, and conical hat, that he travelled down in, and being a stranger in the land, of course he was uncommonly glad to pick up Jorrocks, so after he had hugged him a little, called him a “bon garçon,” and a few other endearing terms, he run his great long arm through his, and walked him down street, the whole peregrinations of Newmarket being comprised in the words “up street” and “down.” He then communicated in most unrepresentable language, that he was on his way to buy “an ‘oss,” and Jorrocks informing him that he was a perfect connoisseur in the article, the Baron again assured him of his distinguished consideration. They were met by Joe Rogers the trainer with a ring-key in his hand, who led the way to the stable, and having unlocked a box in which was a fine slapping four-year old, according to etiquette he put his hat in a corner, took a switch in one hand, laid hold of the horse’s head with the other, while the lad in attendance stripped off its clothes. The Baron then turned up his wrists, and making a curious noise in his throat, proceeded to pass his hand down each leg, and along its back, after which he gave it a thump in the belly and squeezed its throat, when, being as wise as he was at starting, he stuck his thumb in his side, and took a mental survey of the whole.— “Ah,” said he at length— “foin ‘oss, — foin ‘oss; vot ears he has?”
“Oh,” said Rogers, “they show breeding.” “Non, non, I say vot ears he has?” “Well, but he carries them well,” was the answer. “Non, non,” stamping, “I say vot ears (years) he has?” “Oh, hang it, I twig — four years old.” Then the Baron took another long look at him. At length he resumed, “I vill my wet.” “What’s that?” inquired Rogers of Jorrocks. “His wet — why, a drink to be sure,” and thereupon Rogers went to the pump and brought a glass of pure water, which the Baron refused with becoming indignation. “Non, non,” said he stamping, “I vill my wet.” Rogers looked at Jorrocks, and Jorrocks looked at Rogers, but neither Rogers nor Jorrocks understood him. “I vill my wet,” repeated the Baron with vehemence. “He must want some brandy in it,” observed Mr. Jorrocks, judging of the Baron by himself, and thereupon the lad was sent for three-penn’orth. When it arrived, the Baron dashed it out of his hand with a prolonged sacré-e-e-e — ! adding “I vill von wet-tin-nin-na-ary surgeon.” The boy was dispatched for one, and on his arrival the veterinary surgeon went through the process that the Baron had attempted, and not being a man of many words, he just gave the Baron a nod at the end. “How moch?” inquked the Baron of Rogers. “Five hundred,” was the answer. “Vot, five hundred livre?” “Oh d —— n it, you may take or leave him, just as you like, but you won’t get him for less.” The “vet” explained that the Baron wished to know whether it was five hundred francs (French ten-pences), or five hundred guineas English money, and being informed that it was the latter, he gave his conical hat a thrust on his brow, and bolted out of the box.
But race hour approaches, and people begin to assemble in groups before the “rooms,” while tax-carts, pony-gigs, post-chaises, the usual aristocratical accompaniments of Newmarket, come dribbling at intervals into the town. Here is old Sam Spring in a spring-cart, driven by a ploughboy in fustian, there the Earl of —— on a ten-pound pony, with the girths elegantly parted to prevent the saddle slipping over its head, while Miss —— , his jockey’s daughter, dashes by him in a phaeton with a powdered footman, and the postilion in scarlet and leathers, with a badge on his arm. Old Crockey puts on his greatcoat, Jem Bland draws the yellow phaeton and greys to the gateway of the “White Hart,” to take up his friend Crutch Robinson; Zac, Jack and another, have just driven on in a fly. In short, it’s a brilliant meeting! Besides four coronetted carriages with post-horses, there are three phaetons-and-pair; a thing that would have been a phaeton if they’d have let it; General Grosvenor’s dog-carriage, that is to say, his carriage with a dog upon it; Lady Chesterfield and the Hon. Mrs. Anson in a pony phaeton with an out-rider (Miss —— will have one next meeting instead of the powdered footman); Tattersall in his double carriage driving without bearing-reins; Old Theobald in leather breeches and a buggy; five Bury butchers in a tax-cart; Young Dutch Sam on a pony; “Short-odds Richards” on a long-backed crocodile-looking rosinante; and no end of pedestrians.
But where is Mr. Jorrocks all this time? Why eating brawn in the “Rutland Arms” with his friend the Baron, perfectly unconscious that all these passers-by were not the daily visables of the place. “Dash my vig,” said he, as he bolted another half of the round, “I see no symptoms of a stir. Come, my lord, do me the honour to take another glass of sherry.” His lordship was nothing loath, so by mutual entreaties they finished the bottle, besides a considerable quantity of porter. A fine, fat, chestnut, long-tailed Suffolk punch cart mare — fresh from the plough — having been considerately provided by the Yorkshireman for Mr. Jorrocks, with a cob for himself, they proceeded to mount in the yard, when Mr. Jorrocks was concerned to find that the Baron had nothing to carry him. His lordship, too, seemed disconcerted, but it was only momentary; for walking up to the punch mare, and resting his elbow on her hind quarter to try if she kicked, he very coolly vaulted up behind Mr. Jorrocks. Now Jorrocks, though proud of the patronage of a lord, did not exactly comprehend whether he was in earnest or not, but the Baron soon let him know; for thrusting his conical hat on his brow, he put his arm round Jorrocks’s waist, and gave the old mare a touch in the flank with the Chinese boot, crying out— “Along me, brave garçon, along ma cher,” and the owner of the mare living at Kentford, she went off at a brisk trot in that direction, while the Yorkshireman slipped down the town unperceived. The sherry had done its business on them both; the Baron, and who, perhaps was the most “cut” of the two, chaunted the Marsellaise hymn of liberty with as much freedom as though he were sitting in the saddle. Thus they proceeded laughing and singing until the Bury pay-gate arrested their progress, when it occurred to the steersman to ask if they were going right. “Be this the vay to Newmarket races?” inquired Jorrocks of the pike-keeper. The man dived into the small pocket of his white apron for a ticket and very coolly replied, “Shell out, old ‘un.” “How much?” said Jorrocks. “Tuppence,” which having got, he said, “Now, then, you may turn, for the heath be over yonder,” pointing back, “at least it was there this morning, I know.” After a volley of abuse for his impudence, Mr. Jor
rocks, with some difficulty got the old mare pulled round, for she had a deuced hard mouth of her own, and only a plain snaffle in it; at last, however, with the aid of a boy to beat her with a furze-bush, they got her set a-going again, and, retracing their steps, they trotted “down street,” rose the hill, and entered the spacious wide-extending flat of Newmarket Heath. The races were going forward on one of the distant courses, and a slight, insignificant, black streak, swelling into a sort of oblong (for all the world like an overgrown tadpole), was all that denoted the spot, or interrupted the verdant aspect of the quiet extensive plain. Jorrocks was horrified, having through life pictured Epsom as a mere drop in the ocean compared with the countless multitude of Newmarket, while the Baron, who was wholly indifferent to the matter, nearly had old Jorrocks pitched over the mare’s head by applying the furze-bush (which he had got from the boy) to her tail while Mr. Jorrocks was sitting loosely, contemplating the barrenness of the prospect. The sherry was still alive, and being all for fun, he shuffled back into the saddle as soon as the old mare gave over kicking; and giving a loud tally-ho, with some minor “hunting noises,” which were responded to by the Baron in notes not capable of being set to music, and aided by an equally indescribable accompaniment from the old mare at every application of the bush, she went off at score over the springy turf, and bore them triumphantly to the betting-post just as the ring was in course of formation, a fact which she announced by a loud neigh on viewing her companion of the plough, as well as by unpsetting some half-dozen black-legs as she rushed through the crowd to greet her. Great was the hubbub, shouting, swearing, and laughing, — for though the Newmarketites are familiar with most conveyances, from a pair of horses down to a pair of shoes, it had not then fallen to their lot to see two men ride into the ring on the same horse, — certainly not with such a hat between them as the Baron’s.
The gravest and weightiest matters will not long distract the attention of a black-leg, and the laughter having subsided without Jorrocks or the Baron being in the slightest degree disconcerted, the ring was again formed; horses’ heads again turn towards the post, while carriages, gigs, and carts form an outer circle. A solemn silence ensues. The legs are scanning the list. At length one gives tongue. “What starts? Does Lord Eldon start?” “No, he don’t,” replies the owner. “Does Trick, by Catton?” “Yes, and Conolly rides — but mind, three pounds over.” “Does John Bull?” “No John’s struck out.” “Polly Hopkins does, so does Talleyrand, also O, Fy! out of Penitence; Beagle and Paradox also — and perhaps Pickpocket.”
Another pause, and the pencils are pulled from the betting-books. The legs and lords look at each other, but no one likes to lead off. At length a voice is heard offering to take nine to one he names the winner. “It’s short odds, doing it cautiously. I’ll take eight then,” he adds— “sivin!” but no one bites. “What will anyone lay about Trick, by Catton?” inquires Jem Bland. “I’ll lay three to two again him. I’ll take two to one — two ponies to one, and give you a suv. for laying it.” “Carn’t” is the answer. “I’ll do it, Jem,” cries a voice. “No, you won’t,” from Bland, not liking his customer. Now they are all at it, and what a hubbub there is! “I’ll back the field — I’ll lay — I’ll take — I’ll bet — ponies — fifties — hundreds — five hundred to two.” “What do you want, my lord?” “Three to one against Trick, by Catton.” “Carn’t afford it — the odds really arn’t that in the ring.” “Take two — two hundred to one.” “No.” “Crockford, you’ll do it for me?” “Yes, my lord. Twice over if you like. Done, done.” “Do it again?” “No, thank you.”
“Trick, by Catton, don’t start!” cries a voice. “Impossible!” exclaim his backers. “Quite true, I’m just from the weighing-house, and —— told me so himself.” “Shame! shame!” roar those who have backed him, and “honour — rascals — rogues — thieves — robbery — swindle — turf-ruined” — fly from tongue to tongue, but they are all speakers with never a speaker to cry order. Meanwhile the lads have galloped by on their hacks with the horses’ cloths to the rubbing-house, and the horses have actually started, and are now visible in the distance sweeping over the open heath, apparently without guide or beacon.
The majority of the ring rush to the white judge’s box, and have just time to range themselves along the rude stakes and ropes that guard the run in, and the course-keeper in a shooting-jacket on a rough pony to crack his whip, and cry to half a dozen stable-lads to “clear the course,” before the horses come flying towards home. Now all is tremor; hope and fear vacillating in each breast. Silence stands breathless with expectation — all eyes are riveted — the horses come within descrying distance— “beautiful!” three close together, two behind. “Clear the course! clear the course! pray clear the course!” “Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins!” roar a hundred voices as they near. “O, Fy! O, Fy!” respond an equal number. “The horse! the horse!” bellow a hundred more, as though their yells would aid his speed, as Polly Hopkins, O, Fy! and Talleyrand rush neck-and-neck along the cords and pass the judge’s box. A cry of “dead heat!” is heard. The bystanders see as suits their books, and immediately rush to the judge’s box, betting, bellowing, roaring, and yelling the whole way. “What’s won? what’s won? what’s won?” is vociferated from a hundred voices. “Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins! Polly Hopkins!” replies Mr. Clark with judicial dignity. “By how much? by how much?” “Half a head — half a head,” replies the same functionary. “What’s second?” “O, Fy!” and so, amid the song of “Pretty, pretty Polly Hopkins,” from the winners, and curses and execrations long, loud, and deep, from the losers, the scene closes.
Footnote 18: No judge ever gave a race as won by half a head; but we let the whole passage stand as originally written. — EDITOR.
The admiring winners follow Polly to the rubbing-house, while the losing horses are left in the care of their trainers and stable-boys, who console themselves with hopes of “better luck next time.”
After a storm comes a calm, and the next proceeding is the wheeling of the judge’s box, and removal of the old stakes and ropes to another course on a different part of the heath, which is accomplished by a few ragged rascals, as rude and uncouth as the furniture they bear. In less than half an hour the same group of anxious careworn countenances are again turned upon each other at the betting-post, as though they had never separated. But see! the noble owner of Trick, by Catton, is in the crowd, and Jem Bland eyeing him like a hawk. “I say, Waggey,” cries he (singling out a friend stationed by his lordship), “had you ought on Trick, by Catton?” “No, Jem,” roars Wagstaff, shaking his head, “I knew my man too well.” “Why now, Waggey, do you know I wouldn’t have done such a thing for the world! no, not even to have been made a Markiss!” a horse-laugh follows this denunciation, at which the newly created marquis bites his livid lips.
The Baron, who appears to have no taste for walking, still sticks to the punch mare, which Mr. Jorrocks steers to the newly formed ring aided by the Baron and the furze-bush. Here they come upon Sam Spring, whose boy has just brought his spring-cart to bear upon the ring formed by the horsemen, and thinking it a pity a nobleman of any county should be reduced to the necessity of riding double, very politely offers to take one into his carriage. Jorrocks accepts the offer, and forthwith proceeds to make himself quite at home in it. The chorus again commences, and Jorrocks interrogates Sam as to the names of the brawlers. “Who be that?” said he, “offering to bet a thousand to a hundred.” Spring, after eyeing him through his spectacles, with a grin and a look of suspicion replies, “Come now — come — let’s have no nonsense — you know as well as I.” “Really,” replies Mr. Jorrocks most earnestly, “I don’t.” “Why, where have you lived all your life?” “First part of it with my grandmother at Lisson Grove, afterwards at Camberwell, but now I resides in Great Coram Street, Russell Square — a werry fashionable neighbourhood.” “Oh, I see,” replies Sam, “you are one of the reg’lar city coves, then — now, what brings you here?
” “Just to say that I have been at Newmarket, for I’m blowed if ever you catch me here again.” “That’s a pity,” replied Sam, “for you look like a promising man — a handsome-bodied chap in the face — don’t you sport any?” “O a vast!— ‘unt regularly — I’m a member of the Surrey ‘unt — capital one it is too — best in England by far.” “What do you hunt?” inquired Sam. “Foxes, to be sure.” “And are they good eating?” “Come,” replied Jorrocks, “you know, as well as I do, we don’t eat ’em.” The dialogue was interrupted by someone calling to Sam to know what he was backing.
“The Bedlamite colt, my lord,” with a forefinger to his hat. “Who’s that?” inquired Jorrocks. “That’s my Lord L —— , a baron-lord — and a very nice one — best baron-lord I know — always bets with me — that’s another baron-lord next him, and the man next him is a baron-knight, a stage below a baron-lord — something between a nobleman and a gentleman.” “And who be that stout, good-looking man in a blue coat and velvet collar next him, just rubbing his chin with the race card — he’ll be a lord too, I suppose?” “No, — that’s Mr. Gully, as honest a man as ever came here, — that’s Crockford before him. The man on the right is Mr. C —— , who they call the ‘cracksman,’ because formerly he was a professional housebreaker, but he has given up that trade, and turned gentleman, bets, and keeps a gaming-table. This little ugly black-faced chap, that looks for all the world like a bilious Scotch terrier, has lately come among us. He was a tramping pedlar — sold worsted stockings — attended country courses, and occasionally bet a pair. Now he bets thousands of pounds, and keeps racehorses. The chaps about him all covered with chains and rings and brooches, were in the duffing line — sold brimstoned sparrows for canary-birds, Norwich shawls for real Cashmere, and dried cabbage-leaves for cigars. Now each has a first-rate house, horses and carriages, and a play-actress among them. Yon chap, with the extravagantly big mouth, is a cabinet-maker at Cambridge. He’ll bet you a thousand pounds as soon as look at you.”
