by Swan, Tarn
I grabbed him and tried to calm him enough to tell me what the heck was wrong. My anxiety mounted higher still when an equally panicked assistant breathlessly informed me that my true love had a small rodent trapped inside his plaster cast. My brain almost flat-lined as it tried to take in this extraordinary piece of information. It was a joke it had to be. I found myself looking around for hidden cameras and some grinning Jeremy Beadle television presenter. It was no joke.
While I trod water in the aquatics section Twinks had found his way to the small animals section where he happened upon an assistant demonstrating to a small group of children what excellent pets mice made. He, the assistant, was showing the children some baby mice and teaching them how to handle the tiny creatures. A colleague called upon him for some advice and he left the mouse tank untended for a few moments, instructing the kiddies not to touch the mice. Of course he didn't think for a second that he needed to inform a fully-grown adult not to interfere where he had no business interfering.
Twinks was fascinated with the mice and wanted to hold one, so he picked one out of the tank in the manner prescribed by the assistant, and set it on the palm of his hand to inspect it...his left hand…the hand attached to his broken wrist. The mouse liked the fibreglass cast. It could get a nice grip with its claws and happily climbed up, right to the very top where it promptly popped inside the handy tunnel (the gap is more than wide enough to give access to a bottlebrush so it posed no problem to a fluid little mouse) Of course all hell let loose. Twinks tried desperately to poke his fingers into the cast to scoop the mouse out or catch its tail, but to no avail. One hysterical child began screaming about the mouse suffocating to death and pandemonium immediately ensued. Twinks rapidly reached a state of hysteria as he frantically tried to shake the mouse loose before it suffocated. In the meantime the mouse also became hysterical and began biting his arm inside the cast.
I managed to get him to stand still with his arm outstretched. I then pushed his cast up from underneath to widen the gap at the top and the trembling assistant coaxed the mouse out with a sunflower seed. It too was trembling, but at least it was alive. I doubt it will ever trust another human being again and it will probably have a pathological fear of dark confined tunnels. Twinks was trembling much more than it was, but nowhere near as much as I was. The whole thing was excruciatingly awful and embarrassing. I'm glad I’d had the foresight to shove poor wax encrusted Monty into my coat pocket. Otherwise I'm sure we'd have been arrested as some kind of weird rodent molesters and banned from entering pet shops the land over. I couldn't get out of the place fast enough.
The walk back to the car was done at my pace, which meant he had to all but jog to keep up with me. The drive home was silent. Once home I closed the door and turned to him, intending to bawl him out about the chaos he had caused with his irresponsible, thoughtless interfering. However, the stricken look on his face took the wind right out of my sails. I held out my arms. He flung himself into them, sobbing apologies and begging me never to tell friends and family or he’d never live it down. I told him he was a bad boy for picking up the mouse in the first place, but promised I wouldn't tell anyone the outcome.
The critter mouse had done more than bite him. He was sure it had also shit and piddled inside his cast. He wasn't too keen on going to the hospital, but seeing as I didn't give him a choice there wasn't a lot he could do about it. He couldn't go around with rodent urine and faeces festering under his cast, especially not if his skin were broken from the bites. He’d end up with some horrible infection. I wasn't happy about the cast being removed, but in the circumstances it was unavoidable.
The hospital staff nobly tried to remain professional and detached, but failed miserably. They ended up just about rolling in the aisles as Twinkles’ tale of mouse woe unfolded. It was yet another case history that would pass into medical legend to be touted around Christmas parties along with the story about him gluing a phallus to his hand.
The mouse had indeed broken the skin with its sharp little teeth and it was decided after consultation with Twinkles’ doctor (who was most annoyed) that putting on a new cast was out of the question. He was fitted with a Velcro splint, which could be taken off to treat the bites and make sure they weren't becoming infected. Twinkles was horrified by how puny his arm looked when the cast was removed, shrieking that he couldn't go around with mismatched arms as it would spoil the look of his sleeveless gowns. The nurse assured him it would soon return to normal after a bit of physio.
We finally arrived at mum's house for Sunday lunch. We told her the cast had been removed because he had a slight skin infection. Mum said she wasn't a bit surprised, as she had once caught him poking one of her knitting needles down it in order to have a scratch. She’d also caught him using a shoehorn and a meat fork...all news to me. Twinks very carefully and very wisely avoided my eye.
There was no way on earth I was ever going back to Pet World, not that particular one anyway. After dinner I got out the phone book and ended up driving twenty miles to the next stockist of gerbils leaving him in frocks safely at my mother's house. I was lucky to find one that bore a fairly close resemblance to Monty. I figured that as Barry hadn't seen him in a while any small differences would go unnoticed, as indeed proved the case.
I got back to find mousetrap man snoring away on mum's settee with his splint lying on the coffee table next to his empty wine glass. I was not chuffed and neither was he, not after I got him home and gave physical backup to the verbal annoyance I'd already expressed. He's been warned. The splint, just like the cast, is not a fashion item for him to put on and take off at whim.
20th March 2006: The Toothache Fairy
Something hot and throbbing awoke me at half past three this morning, but alas not in a good way. The throbbing thing in question was a tooth, and not mine. Poor Twinks. He really did look unwell. If the swelling on one side of his face was anything to go by he had an abscess. I got him some painkillers and pulled him on my lap, hoping to distract him from his discomfort with some cuddling and babying until the painkillers kicked in. I've had an abscessed tooth and I can remember the level of pain. He had all my sympathy. The painkillers didn't touch his pain at all and he ended up in tears. It shows just how unwell he felt when he didn't argue with my decision to call the dentist and ask for emergency out of hour's treatment.
We drew up outside the Dental Surgery at ten past five this morning at much the same time as a sleepy Mr Tanner, the dentist on call, arrived to open up for us. I guess I should have felt guilty, but I didn’t, not considering the amount we're forced to pay in private dental insurance every month now that National Health dentists are all but extinct.
Twinks was shaking, but didn't fuss about being examined. The pain was so bad it overrode his usual fear of the dentist. Mr Tanner was as gentle as possible, but the moment he touched the infected tooth Twinks hit the roof and by the time he stopped screaming all three of us were shaking. I could envisage Mr Tanner taking up smoking again...I seriously considered taking it up myself.
It turned out to be the same tooth that Twinks damaged last year while nocturnally munching on mini weetabix. Mr Tanner decided it couldn't be saved and it needed to be taken out pretty quickly before the infection spread to other teeth and possibly into his jaw. Twinks was terrified, but he wanted rid of the pain. When the tooth was extracted there was an almighty pop as the abscess burst. I almost screamed myself as pus and blood erupted from his mouth. No wonder he'd been in agony with that muck pressing on nerves. He almost fainted and was horribly sick afterwards. Once he calmed down and collected himself he put trembling arms around my neck, expressing heartfelt relief that the evil tooth was out.
Mr Tanner prescribed a mouthwash and a short course of penicillin just to make sure the infection was finished off. He also told Twinks that for someone who usually carried on as if he were being butchered when he had a check up he'd done pretty well in the circumstances.
Twinks was still shaky when w
e got home and I packed us both back to bed for some much needed rest. I subsequently called him in sick at work and he spent most of the day sleeping. He came downstairs at teatime looking a lot better.
He's got a visitor at the moment. Gabby heard about his dental emergency and has come to see him bearing a cheer up gift - a Flower Fairies colouring book. They’re sitting at the kitchen table happily colouring it in. Mind you I thought for a moment they were going to fall out over who got to colour in a bluebell boy fairy they both took a fancy to. I played Solomon on a power trip and said I'd resolve the matter by cutting the picture in half if they didn't resolve it between themselves. Gabby looked so horrified that Twinks patted her hand and told her she could colour bluebell boy. She suggested they colour him together, as long as he promised to try and keep inside the lines. He exchanged an amused look with me and humbly promised to give it his best effort.
I've told him that if he's a very good boy the tooth fairy will probably leave him a shilling under his pillow in exchange for his tooth and seeing as he was so brave about everything I might even consider allowing him to keep it. He didn’t say much, not verbally anyway. It’s amazing just how eloquent one finger can be.
22nd March 2006: Piercings and Pork Scratchings
Twinks and Lulu have fallen out again. Lu came round this evening to show off a new frock he'd bought on an ebay auction for a hundred and fifty quid. He was full of glee at what he termed ‘an absolute bargain.’ It was unworn and would have cost at least four hundred pounds new. He didn’t have to tell us the price; we knew it all too well. It was the very one that Twinks had splashed out money he didn't have on and which I'd sold as a final resort for seventy-five quid on the same ebay. Whoever had bought it had resold it and at a profit. I took receipt of a dirty look to end all dirty looks and regretfully set aside all hopes of having carnal knowledge of my beloved for the next few days. He knows where to hit me where it hurts. I was sexually beggared and I knew it.
Lulu had also got new piercings, one in his nose and one in his eyebrow. Twinks sweetly told him the dress made his bum look big and the nose piercing looked like a great big blackhead that needed bursting. Lu called Twinks a jealous little acid queen and stormed off home telling him that come the glorious day, if it ever came, he could find himself a new chief bridesmaid.
I turned pacifier and told Twinks that the dress might not be his actual dress. It could easily be another one. He didn’t believe me.
He's currently sitting in front of the telly with a face that could congeal vinegar while muttering crossly about traitorous, backstabbing, frock buying, over pierced friends, and overbearing, under pierced, frock selling Tops who need think they were dipping their wick into his golden chalice anytime soon. I told you he knows where to hit me where it hurts.
I'll give it a few minutes and then I'll offer to open a nice bottle of wine and share a bag of pork scratchings and a cuddle with him. Hopefully he won't tell me where I can stick my cuddly pork scratchings and we can end the evening on an amicable note. Wish me luck. I'm going in!
29th March 2006: Ammonite
Twinkles’ arm was released back into the wild at his last appointment. He was giddy with joy, bless his heart…and then he fell off his high heels and broke it again!
I'm only teasing, he's fine. He's just slapped my hand and said Dominants have no bloody right arsing about and he's going to report me to the Top’s Federation for inappropriate use of humour.
Yes, the cast and splint are no more. Just a couple of sessions of physio and exercises to do at home and it's a free arm once again, able to wear glamorous satin evening gloves, bling rings and glittery bracelets while participating in lavish gesticulatory conversations along with his right arm. To celebrate TALD (Twink's Arm Liberation Day) I bought him some brightly coloured crystal bangles from Love Forever. He adores them and I’m his favourite man and best beloved.
I'm using the laptop this evening, sitting up in bed and typing one handed because he's curled up under my other arm supposedly watching Taggart on the television, though he's more concerned with what I'm typing, nosy devil he is. He's got a headache, so we came up early. It’s been a busy week for him at work. His boss is on holiday so he's acting manager. It isn't a position he particularly enjoys. For one thing he gets no day off and reduced lunch breaks...which suits me if not him, because at least he's got less time to prowl the shops and consequently bend my ear about all the new Spring clothes he can't afford to buy. He's just slapped my hand again. I'm an abused Top I am.
Last Sunday was Mother’s Day and we decided to take mum out for a nice meal, but unfortunately she went down with gastroenteritis. She blames Priscilla for being the carrier of the evil germ because it’s epidemic in the school he teaches at. She said that synchronised crapping and vomiting were not her idea of a celebration for all the sufferings she'd endured as a mother. She really knows how to upset my delicate sensibilities does my mother. I've promised we'll reschedule. We still took her some flowers and champagne, which we left on the front doorstep after ringing the bell and running away. Well, those germs are very contagious.
Twinkles and I went out for lunch on our own. Mother's Day is a difficult day for him, for obvious reasons, and I didn't want him dwelling on things. We lunched very pleasantly and then I drove to the coast and we celebrated the extra hour of daylight by holding hands and walking along Saltburn beach, which was all but deserted. He found an almost perfect ammonite fossil and presented it to me as a love token. It really is beautiful and awe inspiring when you think of its great age. Humanity is but a breath in the wind compared to what has gone before. It's on my bedside table a reminder of a happy and fulfilling afternoon with the one I love.
30th March 2006: Digsy’s Dinner
I’ve taken the afternoon off work. There wasn't much going on and I'm pretty much ahead with all my paperwork. I was due to see a client and had cleared a space, but he cancelled, another victim of the stomach bug that's doing the rounds.
Twinks will be glad when this workweek is over. He gets so stressed when he's in sole charge. Two of the staff had a heated dispute yesterday, ending with one of them in tears and threatening to walk out, so little wonder he came home with a headache last night. Panzer Pat was one of those involved in the argument. Tina, the other member of staff involved, had taken exception to Pat telling her that the display cabinet she'd just dressed with a new range of Mexican silver jewellery was slapdash and that the jewellery itself was in need of a polish. What was hardest for Twinks to swallow was that Pat had a point. The jewellery hadn't been polished or displayed to its best advantage. Twinks likes Tina, but he just can't take to Pat at all. According to him she's a bully and even when she's smiling she's being unpleasant.
In the end he told Pat that it wasn't her place to berate other members of staff for the quality of their work. If she had genuine concerns she should have approached him privately and he would have dealt with it (at which point she'd snorted, the cheeky cow) He managed to calm Tina down and then approached the matter by saying the cabinet was fine, though he couldn't help but notice it wasn’t quite up to her usual wonderful standard. He went onto ask if anything was bothering her that he could help with. She ended up sobbing in his arms because her latest boyfriend, the one she had thought was Mr Right, had just dumped her. Why could she never keep a man for long?
Twinks sympathised, made her a cup of coffee and called Lulu. He explained the situation to him and left Tina in the office talking to Lu about what fickle bastards men are. They got on so well that they arranged to meet up for a drink last night. I thought Twinks dealt with the situation rather well all things considered. He doesn't find it easy to remain impartial or to stay calm, especially when dealing with people like Pat. Pat is the kind of person whose instinct is to undermine and demoralise in order to maintain a personal sense of superiority, which in turn makes people like Twinks want to lash out in fearful self-defence. I felt he stood up to Pat without being brutal o
r rude and that he had been kind and diplomatic with Tina.
You've probably guessed by now that he and Lulu are friends again. Twinks knew he'd been mean about the dress and piercings and called him next day to apologise. Lulu being Lulu had turned his phone off. He often does that after a row. He sulks and he can keep it up for days. Twinks was in apologetic mood and it needed to be given expression there and then. Lulu was going to be apologised to whether he wanted to be or not.
It was Twinks' day off that Thursday, so he went to the post office where Lulu works as an assistant supervisor, customer service advisor (or assistant chief clerk) I would love to have been in the queue waiting patiently to buy a stamp or collect a pension that day. Twinkles got dressed up in one of his best showgirl costumes, complete with plumed headdress and two feather fans. He took a place in the queue for Lu's window. When it was his turn, he placed a tape recorder on the counter, switched it on and performed to an Oasis song called ‘Digsy's Dinner,’ which has a line about inviting someone for tea, and another one about treating them like a queen. Lulu would have been hardhearted not to accept an apology like that. He agreed to come to us for tea that evening. He loved being serenaded. It made his day, not to mention the day of his work colleagues and the customers in the post office. Twinks got much applause, several wolf whistles and three requests for autographs.
Incidentally, Lulu gave up on the nose piercing after being mercilessly ribbed about it. Just about everyone asked him if they could squeeze his blackhead. He’d chosen a dark blue stud and it did indeed look like a clogged pore. The last straw was when Shirley, his mum's cat, kept trying to paw the stud off his nose.
