by Emjay Soren
Chad gave me one of his patented killer smiles and winked at me. “Well then, it’s now my mission in life to get you to a show.”
I laughed, who did he think he was foolin’? “Look, I already find you attractive, Chad. I don’t need you all sweaty on stage to make my knees weak, so the whole ‘I’m a rockstar, baby’ vibe… you can drop it.”
He shifted gears and even that was sexy. “Carrie, it wasn’t a line. To be honest, I don’t need lines to get girls. They come willingly.”
He was cocky and arrogant for sure, but he was also honest. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he meant that comment as a fact and not bragging rights. A woman with more morals and values than I might have called him on his shit right then and there, but I had seen and done things in my twenty years that made it very hard to shock me. I took most things at face value and Chad was a legend in Gig Harbor, he was drop dead gorgeous and had the bad boy swagger thing down to a T. Just the tattoos and that face alone would bring the girls in hordes. Add in the lead singer thing, and he was a lady killer.
The night grew quiet and so did the cab of the truck. I was completely shocked when he pulled into my long dirt driveway. Our house was set far back so that our backyard faced the water of the harbor. I was both relieved and depressed because I thought we were going to make out, hell hold hands, something…anything but the brush off. I decided that he obviously wasn’t interested because I have ‘crazybigbrotheritis’. I got a little huffy and opened the door to head inside.
It wasn’t even midnight for fuck’s sake!
"Where you going?"
I stopped.
I was...confused… again.
I had no intentions of making out in my front yard when Noah could come home early and ruin everything for the second time tonight. "I figured this was the end of the trip."
"Do you have to go?"
I should because you scare me. "No."
"Good." He got out and went to the back of the truck and dropped the tail gate. I followed and hopped up to sit beside him. Again he took my hand into his. "I like the view here."
I looked for the view and was stumped. The only view we had from the front yard was the small, yet immaculate yard of ours. Because we had never had a yard of our own, Noah and I took pride in the little yard. I looked at Chad. "What view do you see? The backyard has the view of the lake.”
"This one..." He said and cupped my cheek. "I like looking at you... I like you, Carrie."
The way he said my name gave me chills and I wanted so badly for him to kiss me. When he didn’t, I sighed, almost feeling relieved. Then I decided my bipolar emotions were pissing me off. "I think I like you too. You freak me out though. You’re intense, in a good way."
He laughed. God, I loved that sound.
"How so?" He asked. He absentmindedly brushed his thumb across my knuckles.
"Because I am super inexperienced with this stuff and I know you aren’t." I felt such shame at that statement, though I should be proud of my unskankiness. With Chad though, there was no defense, no Teflon, no anti-Chad spray. I wanted him.
"I’m not looking for any strange, Carrie. I like you. I can get sex anywhere."
I hated how blunt he was. I knew he was Mr. Comefuckme... I didn’t need him reminding me.
"But I like you, and regardless of your brother’s bullshit, or the fact I’m four years older. I think we should go on another date before you decide to brush me off."
After about five minutes of persuasion, his persistence paid off. I melted and agreed to another date. He smiled and finally stopped talking and we sat for over an hour just holding hands and saying nothing at all. As first dates went, I thought it was strangely beautiful.
I should have kissed you
I should have pushed you up against the wall
I should have kissed you
Just like I wasn’t scared at all
Gloriana
Chapter Six
Hey beautiful…how’s my girl today?
As texts went it, was pretty remarkable. It was also how Chad had been interacting with me since the night of Shame’s bonfire. We would text or call, but either way it tended to be an all day thing. I morphed into a total girl every time my phone would chime a new message, or in the event of a phone call with the ringtone ‘Animals’ by Nickleback would play.
Not the ideal song, but after hearing Chad’s sultry, rough voice sing it, it was all I heard now. This message however caused an entirely new slew of girl mush because he had said ‘my girl’ and I had no idea what to do with it.
Your girl?
I replied because A) I was either a sadist and he was about to tell me it was a slip or B) I wanted more.
Almost immediately I received a reply.
That’s how I see you these days. It ok?
I held my phone, gripping it as if the message would somehow turn to vapor. Was it ok he asked? It was more than ok, but not wanting to sound too eager and even more girltastic I replied with a question of my own.
If I say yes will that make you my man?
I was in the process of chewing my thumbnail to the quick when he replied.
Carrie girl I have been your man since the night you agreed to go all in.
Holy fuck! I did the OMG dance. You know the one where you run in place spinning around because you’re excited. Yeah, I was doing the OMG dance.
How can I respond to that? For once I didn’t over think it. I went with my heart and what I wanted to say. My hands were shaking as I typed back what I was feeling, throwing myself out there and hoping like hell he was going to catch me.
All in is proving to be the best damn decision I have made in a long time. I really like you Chad, even more- I want to be your girl. You terrify me and excite me at the same time and I don’t know what to say or do. I’m scared that it’s all a stage and before long you’ll move on to more experienced and desirable girls.
I had no choice but to wait for his reply, a reply that so far had taken fifty-three minutes almost fifty-four. I know this because I have looked at my sent screen on my phone a gazillion times, checking the time I sent it, re-reading it and yelling at myself for saying anything in the first place.
Why couldn’t I just be one of those go with the flow chicks? I had always been the type to get it all out and dealt with. I decided to blame Noah because had he not taught me to refrain from keeping things inside and bottled up safely away I wouldn’t be second guessing my fucking existence right now.
I wanted to call Candy and have her pull me from the ledge, but I was not touching that phone. Right now I had full service, all five bars in bright white on the screen of my phone. The volume was on and I wasn’t messing with a thing in case he responded to tell me I was becoming a clingy fangirl, or worse, tell me he wants to move on, I was fun and blah-fucking-blah.
I just wanted it to ring, anything. I glared at my iPhone with death in my eyes and waited…waited… waiting.
Nothing.
*
It was after one in the morning when I was pulled from blissful dreams of life pre-text disaster when my phone started chirping like crazy.
I looked at the screen and saw five missed calls and four texts, all from Chad.
Holy fuck!
I now dreaded those messages as much as I had anticipated them earlier. With no clue what to expect I checked the messages first. I started with the oldest one first. It had been sent just before midnight.
The night got slamming busy. A group of bikers came in all wanting commemorative pieces for a fallen friend. We had a waiting list like never before and I didn’t want to send some lame message in response to yours. Call me baby we need to talk- x
So…what? I didn’t know what to think so I read the next message.
Haven’t heard from you yet, and I am not above blowing up your phone. Call me- x
And the next…
I don’t know what I was thinking not hitting you a text back but I will never do it again
baby. I just wanted to tell you… I feel the same.
Oh my God!
No kiss after this one and that was when the calls had started coming in. I checked, but only had one voicemail. Knowing it was him and desperate to hear his voice, I dialed my voicemail and waited.
“Carrie… I … fuck, Carrie. I feel exactly like you baby. I wanted to tell you this, but not over text or the phone. I wanted to come to you tonight and lay myself at your mercy, but I got slammed at the tat shop and just got home. I was not ignoring you, Carrie. I wanted it in person, but I’ll say it now. I want you, only you, and without question I will do whatever you want at any pace… call me baby…
The message ended and like the mushy gooey girl that I am I wiped wet tears from my cheeks and listened like a million more times before I read the last text he sent.
Just called Noah and he said you were asleep. So I will say this… I am sorry if you fell asleep thinking I didn’t care or that you weren’t enough. Baby you are everything and it scares the fuck out of me in the most unbelievably wicked way… yours most definitely- Chad x
I checked the time on that last message and it was seven minutes ago so I sat up and wiped my eyes and dialed his number.
“Hey…” He said that raspy voice of his doing amazing things to my skin. And he was just on the phone. Shit, I was toast.
“Hey. Sorry, I crashed and just woke up when your message came through.”
“Sorry I woke you… wanna call me tomorrow?”
“No. If you want to talk, so do I.”
“The fact you’re willing to talk to me makes me want to talk all night.” He cleared his throat, “I’m sorry I made you think I was ignoring you, Carrie. I just got busy.”
There was no way I was admitting to my earlier meltdown. No, I needed to play this off like I totally had it together. “I wasn’t worried Chad.”
His laugh came through the phone in a low rumble. It was possibly the most fuckable laugh I have ever heard. “Liar.”
I feigned innocence. “What? No, Chad, really, I barely thought of you.”
He laughed again, the sound rolling over my skin like satin. Right then I wanted to know what he was wearing, what his room looked like… I wanted everything so that I could see him clearly in my mind’s eye when we were apart.
“Damn, Carrie…” I could hear him shifting in his bed. “I’m wearing boxers. Only. You can see my room anytime and I love that you want to think of me like that.”
Holy fuck! I was so tired and distracted that I said all that out loud.
“Now tell me what you’re wearing because that’s all I need. I know what your room looks like.”
Whoa. We were going there I guess.
“Tank top and boxer shorts.” I said with nerves and a smile.
“Mmm. Nice.”
“Well, I guess that cuts out some of the loneliness.” I said and shifted to get more comfortable.
“Not even close, Carrie. The only thing that would help that is if you were here with me now.” He wasn’t joking, his voice was dead serious.
“Well, I would be there if I didn’t have a crazy brother to contend with.”
Chad said nothing after taking an audible breath and I immediately felt like a fool. “I wasn’t inviting myself over, I mean… I didn’t…”
“No backing out of that now, Carrie. I’m on my way to you, baby, meet me outside.” With that the phone went dead.
Oh, shit.
I jumped from my bed and immediately got dressed before I started primping my face for this little tryst, or whatever it was. Was he coming over so we could have sex? What was the playbook for after midnight meet-ups? Whatever it was, there was no way I was backing out.
I opened my bedroom door to see if there were any noises coming from Noah’s room. When I heard nothing for three agonizing minutes I tip-toed across the hall towards the stairs. I jumped about a hundred feet and screamed bloody murder when Noah opened the bathroom door just as I was creeping by it.
“What the fuck, Noah?” I screamed and jumped back grasping my chest.
“What!” He asked with glazed eyes and a dopey smile on his face. What the fuck was up with him.
“Are you drunk?” I asked and stepped closer where I could get a better look at his face.
“No, just got home from work. It was busy, I’m beat.”
He was lying to me. Bald face lying, and that was not something we did. “Bullshit, Noah.” My voice went harsh immediately and I gripped his chin forcing him to look at me. “What is wrong?” I asked through clenched teeth.
“Back off, Carrie! Damn!”
Noah never talked to me like that, like a child in need of punishment. I took in the glassy eyes and the fact that he was a pale shadow of the brother I knew and loved, and I knew. I dropped my stare to his hands and saw the needle and spoon, a spoon that was now burnt and wet with a slimy brown substance that I had seen too many times to be fooled.
“Oh my god, Noah.” I gasped and stepped back from him completely disgusted. “No, no, no, no, no!” I screamed and smacked his hands when his loot scattered to the floor. I pushed him back and he hit the wall hard. “Why?!?! For fuck’s sake, Noah, why?!”
“It’s under control, Carrie. Fuck, calm down.” He was so calm, his high keeping him from brooking any argument. “I just needed a little, I got shit on my mind.” He didn’t bother with excuses, he simply walked away from me. He slammed his door with enough effort to make my teeth rattle. Seconds later I could hear the blasting echo of Alice in Chains ‘Down in a Hole’ coming from his room, and knew I had no desire to sleep in this house tonight.
I walked back to my room and grabbed a few pillows, blankets and my cell charger and flipped the light switch before storming down the stairs. I opened the door to the small boathouse in the back of our property and lit the small propane lantern before I set to task making my bed on the old pull out couch.
There wasn’t much to be said about the place, but it was mine. I had a small desk in the corner with a rolling chair and a pull out sofa for the nights I stayed up writing, or in this case, when Noah got high. It had been where I practically lived when Noah started using four years ago. As my soul supporter back then, I was desperate for him to change, but also terrified of leaving him or of telling Seth and Lilly. I restored the boathouse to livable standards and made it my home away from home. I came out here to write, or sometimes just to think, and it had been my safe place for years. It was quickly becoming my hideout once again.
My phone beeped. I had forgotten about Chad in all the shit that went down with Noah. All day I had been looking for a distraction from my Chad muddled mind. What I wouldn’t give for that all encompassing feeling again.
Out front where are you?
I quickly responded.
Come out back to the boathouse. I’m inside.
I tossed my phone on the small desk in the corner and leaned back on the fold out bed I made. I had a passing thought that Chad would get the wrong impression at seeing the bed, but before I could fold it up he tapped on the door and walked in.
Every time I saw him he took my breath away. He was dressed in perfect fitting jeans that looked soft and well worn, though I was certain he paid greatly for that look. He wore a deep grey henley with a Ramones vintage tee over the top. His head was wrapped in the black bandana that made my insides boil in precarious temptation. Just his hands and neck were showing the ink on his skin. In this moment I had an inappropriate thought that he would be the angel on my shoulder while Noah was the devil to my left. I had never seen Noah that way before, but knowing Chad had suffered with me in Noah’s former abuse, I knew he would feel the same now.
He took one look at me in my jeans and v neck black top and sauntered over, eyeing me like a piece of candy.
“Fuck, you’re beautiful, Carrie.” He said and took my hands in his, pulling me to him and pressing us tight while he stroked my back and rained kisses along the top of my head. This sexy man, a rea
l life rockstar, could be anywhere, in any bed right now. The fact he chose to come to me, knowing there was no promise of sex, well, it wrecked me quite easily.
I felt my eyes swelling with the need to cry; blinking back the tears I took a deep breath and inhaled all that was right in my world. It was an astounding emotion to know it was him that was right. He smelled like a man, musky, just a hint of soap. He’d likely showered when he’d gotten home and the scent that now enveloped him was uniquely Chad. It was fucking amazing.
“I’m so glad you’re here, Chad.” I spoke softly into the fabric of his shirt and pulled him tighter to me, feeling my tears fall against all hope of holding it in.
Chad noticed and squeezed me tighter. “Please, tell me that whatever has you so choked up right now has nothing to do with me not responding to your text earlier.”
His hands stroked gently up and down my spine and he made no move to stop anytime soon. I drank the comfort in like a dying woman in a desert and let him hold me.
Sometime later we had shifted from standing to lying side by side on the pullout bed. I was slowly drifting off, but I didn’t want to sleep. “It wasn’t you, Chad.” I whispered, not wanting to break the moment of peacefulness.
“What was it, baby?” He asked just as quietly. Even his whisper was sexy as hell. He kissed my forehead and waited for my reply.
I knew that once I told him what I was upset about, the peacefulness between us would fracture and dissipate, but I had to tell him. “Noah was shooting up in the bathroom right before you got here.”
I felt him stiffen at my words and squeezed my eyes shut desperate to hold onto him and the peacefulness between us. “Fuck.” He said in a low voice and looked down at me lying upon his chest. “You’re sure?” He asked, his voice barely a whisper, calming me immediately.
