by Emjay Soren
That message said more than the words I typed. I feared his loneliness ending in cheating more than I feared seeing my father again. I drove home waiting for his text, wishing and willing my phone to chime. By the time I walked in the house and showered I was a nervous wreck. He hadn’t responded and it was killing me.
I went downstairs after my shower and thumbed through channels looking for anything to take my mind off of my accusation of him possibly cheating. I wanted to tell myself that I couldn’t stop him even if I tried, his loss not mine, type of thoughts raging in my head. In the middle of my stress out I stop on a clip from MTV about the Sinners of the Slipstream tour and the Best New Bands stops they were making across the globe.
I turned the volume up and leaned in watching and listening with rapt attention.
“Front man for the Sinners, Ryan Corbin, was quoted today saying that the band from Washington Thick as Thieves would be the next big thing. TAT has been a favorite band to Washington State for the last few years, their fan base growing and their music fresh and new to the industry.
MTV was able to get in touch via satellite with the lead singer of TAT, Chad Blake who had this to say.
I melted seeing my man sitting on a couch in a bus, smile wide with Noah and the guys beside him.
“We are thankful and excited for the opportunity to rock with the Sinners for the next eight days giving it to the fans of our great state. We just hope to get the word out that we are here to rock and stay, TAT is here for good man.”
The MTV correspondent was back on the screen giving a few more details about Chad and the guys and some of their back story. I glimpsed Chad in the background of the satellite feed on his phone and assumed like a silly girl he was calling me. The smile on his face when whoever he called answered killed me, my phone was silent beside me. The satellite feed ended and MTV headed on to new stories of the singing elite and Chad was once again gone from me.
*
Noah called me a few hours later when I was sleeping uncomfortably on the couch MTV still on. I had fallen asleep waiting for more from the Sinners tour but crashed after a few hours. I glanced at the clock, it was just after four a.m and it was Noah’s smiling cheesy face lighting up my screen.
“Hey Bub.” I grumbled into the phone not at all happy of being woken by him…wishing it was Chad’s face on my screen.
“Where the fuck are you?” Noah demanded through the line jolting me wide awake.
“I’m asleep on the couch.” I responded deadpan.
“Jesus fuck Carrie. Candy has been to the house twice looking for you when you didn’t answer your phone. How tired are you?” He sounded annoyed and it irked me something fierce.
“Are you keeping tabs on me? I fell asleep Noah, after working a bitch of a busy night. I showered came down to cruise some TV when I saw you guys on MTV. I fell asleep with the volume up so I must not have heard her when she knocked or called.”
I looked at the TV which was on an episode of Teen Mom 2 and figured something else had been on and louder while I was sleeping.
“You saw it? Why didn’t you call me?” He sounded offended and I immediately felt bad. I had wanted Chad to call me and tell me all about it and in fearing I would miss his call, I didn’t even think about Noah being excited. I suddenly felt real shitty as a sister.
“Why didn’t you call me?” I ask not wanting to tell him how pathetic I was.
“I called Candy stupid. I saw Chad talking to you and figured you would call when you were off the phone with him. Like five minutes after the feed ended he went back to his bunk and has been there all night.”
My stomach rolled and bile threatened to burn through my throat. He hadn’t called me, of that I was certain. I had kept my phone close all through the hour after the feed ended before falling asleep. I looked at my phone and checked my missed calls and texts, all six missed calls were from candy and Noah, texts all from Candy wondering if I saw the news or if Chad called, and more demanding I call her ASAP. Not one thing from my boyfriend the rockstar!
Sucker love is known to swing
Prone to cling and waste these things
Pucker up for Heavens sake
There's never been so much at stake
I serve my head up on a plate
It's only comfort, calling late
'Cuz there's nothing else to do
Every me and every you
Placebo
Chapter Eighteen
“Carrie so help me God!” Noah roared trying to stop the flow of blood gushing from his head. Dad had beat him unconscious and then came after me and then Noah again, passing out after he had enough of beating on us. Tonight however I tried to save Noah.
“Don’t yell at me Noah!” I cried but kept my voice down to just above a whisper. “I am so scared one day he will kill you Noah.” I could see the deep gash above his brow from our father slamming his head against the wooden steps leading upstairs. He was so mad coming home having learned of our sneaking out the night before when we snuck out to go see one of Seattle’s best bands play live before they hit the road to success.
Noah and I hitched a ride to the University district and were planning the same thing on the way home when one of his officers saw us and drove us home. I was so scared of what dad would do I offered myself blatantly to my own father to keep him from going after Noah. I had never felt more low or filthy in my life than begging him to let me apologize. A shiver crawled up my spine remembering the feel of his rank whiskey breath against my neck.
“Noah he is going to kill you one day. Look at what he did Noah! He has never left you visually beaten, he’s beyond control now. He’s gonna kill us before he lets the truth come out.”
Noah was fidgeting and looking off in the distance. I knew he was high and that he had been getting high for months now to cope with the things he saw, things done to me and him. “I know.” He whispered and I could see and feel the awful reality of those words. “Trust me, yeah?”
I crooked my brows not understanding what he meant because there was no question, we knew what he would end up doing one day. “With?” I ask annoyed.
“Trust me to be able to keep us safe without using your body. Jesus fuck Carrie, trust me to get us out of here and to be ready when I say it’s time.”
It was ominous and certainly didn’t tell me anything he had planned, but I trusted him as he asked and I ran the minute he said it was time.
Stepping over our fathers crumpled beaten body two nights later… we never looked back.
My phone ringing the Nickleback tune I chose for Chad pulled me from the dreadful memories of my last days before coming to Gig Harbor. With blurry eyes and a racing heart I answered the call, nervous he was going to tell me he cheated.
“‘Lo…” I grumbled into the phone, unable to even pronounce the word hello correctly.
His soft chuckle had my legs scratching against one another because Chad’s sexy morning voice was one of my new favorite things. It was, just as his smile was, panty dropping sexy. “Hey baby.”
“What time is it?” I asked more alert and capable of looking at the clock but too lazy to roll over in my big empty bed.
“Noah said he talked to you last night.” He sounded apologetic and that didn’t bode well.
“Yeah, but it was after I saw the MTV news do the interview with you.” I purposely avoided telling him I saw him make a call to the unknown.
“I wanted to call you first dammit! I called Gramps because he had sent me a text saying he needed to talk to me and it was important. I guess he was in the hospital with chest pains and didn’t want me hearing it from one of his many girlfriends who I guess were draped in the halls waiting on news for the old player.”
My heart sunk. Oh God I was by far the worst girlfriend ever. I had been ready to crucify him thinking, certain he had cheated to find out Harvey Blake was sick and in what sounded to be dire straits. Immediately I started thinking of fitting in time with Harvey while Chad
was gone so that I could care for him and keep the girlfriends at bay.
“Baby you there?” Chad asked numbly from the end of the line.
“Sorry I was thinking. I don’t go into the Joint until five tonight so I can go and take him dinner if he’s home and if not I’ll head to the hospital and bring him his favorite magazines and stuff till he’s home. Do you know when they are releasing him or if he is home yet? If not I can call him.” My guilt was at full capacity and I wanted to fix this for him, feeling terrible that something great happened just to be ran over by something awful.
“That’s why I love you baby.” He said his voice cracking but I could tell he was hiding his emotion.
Feeling even worse and biting my lips, eyes closed I asked him why. “Because you immediately jump in to help me out knowing I’m freaking out over this. Gramps is all I have Carrie.” He said the last part so quietly my heart broke.
“You have me too Chad, and Noah and the guys. Harvey is so stubborn even if he died he would find a way to negotiate a second chance with the All Mighty himself and probably find the loophole.”
I smiled when I heard his soft chuckle. “Your right I know it. I’m probably over reacting because I’m not there and my thoughts are getting away from me.”
I knew exactly how he felt, my thoughts had painted him as a cheater at the first chance. I felt awful. “I’ll take care of him baby I promise.” I meant those words fiercely.
“They should release him later today so maybe swing by before work, make sure he eats something healthy. You may have to hide the healthy from him though.” He laughed again and I could hear the relief in his voice, relief that I was going to keep close to Harvey until Chad was back. “Any changes though baby call me immediately and I can be there in a few hours.”
“I will I swear. Where are you anyway?”
“Tri-Cities tonight and Spokane tomorrow. I’m fucking nervous baby, all this shit with Gramps, missing you and your fear that I could hurt you- all on top of a fucking stadium gig. It freaks me the fuck out.”
Ah so there it was, and he did it sneakily too. My text from last night must have been like a slap in the face after his call to Harvey. “Forget that text Chad. It was stupid and childish of me. When you said Cal was with a harem of fangirls I got scared. I trust you Chad.”
Those words, words telling him I trusted him were huge and it was when I said them that I truly meant them. I had only ever trusted Noah and Candy with all of me and I realized my insecurities were mine and not because of Chad. I did trust him, couldn’t even imagine him cheating on me or hurting me. It was like a weight had been lifted with those words.
“Do you really trust me?” He asked and the skepticism in his voice didn’t go unnoticed.
“Chad, you know what trust means to me, it means everything and you mean everything. I trust you to love me and to come home to me. Promise me you won’t break it and it’s yours forever.”
“It’s all I have ever wanted from you baby. You’re my it, my all, my everything.”
“You too.” Just shoot me I said lame shit when he riled me. He was the song writer for the band, had a serious way with words… I had emotions and chills and butterflies. It wasn’t fair that I couldn’t respond with such emotion and love. “I know that doesn’t seem like much when I just agree, but your words become my words when you talk to me like that.”
“I miss you so much Carrie. I really think I was okay before and able to handle eight days, but now with my Gramps… I just miss you but I’m glad you’re with Gramps when I can’t be.”
We talked for over an hour about the bus, about Cassa and Shame rocking the bus all day and all night. I was jealous that she was able to run off and chase Shames dream with him. I longed for an all day session in bed with Chad. I wanted to be to Chad what Cassa was to Shame.
“Will you call me after your show tonight and tell me all about it.” I ask wishing I could be watching him on the sideline cheering and letting that excitement release when he got inside of me.
“Yes.” He sighed but sounded astonished at how far he had come. “I can’t wait to see the crowd babe.”
I was in awe of all they had accomplished. “I can’t wait for the Seattle show. All anyone has been talking about when they come in the Joint is getting to see you guys at Quest Field.”
“Awesome Carrie, really?” He was so excited and I could almost see his smile, his dimples digging into his cheeks making me melt from memory alone.
“Yeah and I can’t deny how much I love letting the fangirls know your taken.” It was the only highlight in his being away. I loved seeing the hate these women had for me, knowing I attained the unattainable Chad Blake.
“Mmmm.” He groaned. “I love jealous Carrie.”
“Not jealous Chad, possessive.”
“Mmmm, even better. Possessive Carrie.” I could hear fabric shifting and I knew immediately he was still in bed.
“Are you in bed?” I ask silently as if everyone in the bus could hear me.
“Mmmmhmmm. Alone in bed, in the bus and thinking of you baby.” He groaned and I could imagine him stroking himself.
“Really?” I ask totally shameless when he started running his mouth. “I’m in bed alone too, empty house, empty bed…empty Carrie.”
His following groan was one of torment. “I can’t wait to fill empty Carrie plum full.”
I laugh because he defines sexy and makes me laugh at the same time. “Me neither. I hate this big old bed.”
“Well your big old bed can stay empty- better stay empty, until I come to fill all things involving Carrie Beckett.”
I laugh a throaty sultry sound, “I like jealous Chad Blake.”
“Not jealous baby, possessive.”
I laugh again and find myself rubbing my legs together in longing of possessive Chad. “I hear you breathing baby, heavily. What ya thinking?”
I smile knowing full well what I am doing. “Thinking of you…filling me…up.”
“Let’s do this tat fucker.” I hear Noah’s voice from the distance. I hear Chad shuffle around cursing. “Your brother is a cock blocker baby.”
I laugh. “He needs payback and soon.” I roll from the bed and make my way to the bathroom knowing my time with Chad is ending for the morning. “What tattoo are you getting?”
He laughs and I can tell that he is about to play with me some more. “Remember the last night when we stayed on the bay all night and you let me fuck you for hours?”
I felt chills race along my spine thinking about our last night together and how long he held out on me before letting me come. I came so hard I dug his skin beneath my nails roaring his name. He had spent so much time building me to a grand finale of screaming, crying, panting, begging mush. “Yes, I doubt I could ever forget that night baby.”
“Well that night you dug them teeny tiny nails into my skin so deep baby I have claw marks down my back. I couldn’t help but ask your brother nicely to please tattoo those claw marks in my back.”
Holy fuck!
“What?” I squeak embarrassed beyond reason. Noah knew Chad was giving it to me as often as he could, he doesn’t need to see the evidence of a really phenomenal night of passion. “Please tell me you’re kidding Chad.” I know I am whining but it’s hard enough dealing with Noah outside the sexual realm of my relationship. Rubbing it in his face only makes him harder for me to deal with.
“Oh I did baby and I am fucking loving it. Your brother has been giving me so much shit, even before we got together. Trust me baby he respects this.”
‘Let me talk.” I hear Noah demand from the distance and I cringe inside because ew, what girl wants this talk with her big brother? “Carrie?” He says across the line and I am tempted to pretend the call was dropped because of cell reception.
“What?” I say sweetly not sure how bad it’ll be.
“Seriously, Blake’s right sis. I respect him for loving those marks and marking himself with you. It shows me he is se
rious about you and that eases my soul. Feel me?”
“Yeah Noah I feel you.” I say but I can’t help the mortification that comes with his knowing. “Does Chad get to tattoo some crazy sex thing between you and Candy?” I ask with a snicker.
“Fuck no.” He says and hands the phone back to a laughing Chad.
“Hey we are about to do this babe so I’ll call when he is done yeah?”
“Yeah okay I need to get up anyway and get dinner going for Gramps.”
“I like that Carrie. I like you calling him Gramps. Makes me feel like you want him to be your Gramps.”
I laugh and try not to giggle all girly at the thought of legally being his granddaughter in law. “Who wouldn’t want Harvey Chad?”
He agrees and before he hangs up I lowered my voice. “Send me a picture when it’s done babe?”
He groans and gives me a gruff yes before the sound of the machine starts buzzing and I hear Chad hiss. “Fuck warn me man.” He says to Noah who laughs and calls him a pussy. “Love you Carrie girl.”
“Love you Rockstar.”
*
The days all blended together as more than a hundred texts were sent between us daily. I had found a peace in his being gone, a sense of relief knowing the fears I was having were fears because deep down I did trust him and I know you are always hurt by those you trusted at one time or another. After all what child wouldn’t originally love and trust a parent to keep them safe. I learned the value of trust early on as did Noah, my brother the genius found a loophole in our situation though and found a way to make trust a thing of beauty and not betrayal.
The Seattle show was tomorrow night and Candy had been ‘coordinating’ our big night with clothes, shoes, hair, makeup, waxing. She even went as far as telling me I needed extra nutrients for all the sex we would be having as well as being well hydrated. I had to wonder just what the fuck she and Noah got down too if she needed a sexual diet prior to the sex. I would never ask or even hint with wonder because I had no desire to know what my brother got down to with my bff.
