by Emjay Soren
I couldn’t walk away any more. I simply missed him too fucking much to never touch him again.
“You’re clearly in book mode so please bugger off and finish the thing. The sooner it’s done the sooner in print.” He says bugger but his accent id from Southern Texas so I don’t get it, especially seeing as he is an English Professor.
I smile but roll my eyes, not dumb enough to stick around when he is giving me the green light to slip off into myself and finish the story… three more days and I would have my ending. Longest three days of my life and that is saying something.
Would you believe me if I said I was sorry
The question wasn't mean to hurt,
It was just my fear of losing you.
And now you're filling all the space that surrounds you
I'll soon be tucked away underneath your bed
Where you gave yourself to me.
Where I gave myself to you.
Every Avenue
Chapter Twenty-Four
Cassa was refusing to go to the show. She spent all of her free time with Jerry James, Shamus’s dad. He was a successful crabber but an even more successful alcoholic. Some drunks were mean and nasty, but Jerry, was sweet as pie and had taken an extreme interest in Cassa once she married Corey. Jerry always knew he was off.
Cassa was home for now though and I was in the middle of pep talk(more like an intervention) from my besties. “You need to walk in with your head held high and smile that perfect smile and tell him point blank that you miss his fine sweet ass.” This was Candy who was making her point clear all while fucking with my hair scaring the piss out of me.
“I say he cracks immediately.” This was Cassa who was sorting my closet for the eighth time in the last hour. Ten minutes before she had settle on three choices for me to wear but had since then scratched the choices and is now starting from fresh.
“I am so nervous I think I’ll be lucky if I don’t puke in the meet and greet room once again.”
Candy and Cassa both laugh even though the memory brings Trisha to the forefront of my mind. “Just be you Carrie. That’s who he has loved all along.” This was said by Cassa who continues to shock me with her positive outlook and hope for a better future.
“Well considering I need to leave in”- I look dramatically at my cell phone to check the time, “- forty-three minutes I suggest you Chica’s move it along or I am taking over.”
Cassa laughs rolling her eyes but Candy looks personally affronted. “You are not dressing yourself. Chad has seen enough of you and jeans and t shirts. Mix it up a little for shock value.
I didn’t care what I was wearing, but for one stipulation. “Not that shirt Cass, I don’t want him seeing my tat until after we talk.”
She nods knowing what the tattoo represents and how long I have had it waiting to show it to Chad when the time was right.
With seven minutes to spare I was dressed, curled, make-upped and perfumed, ready to go and bear my soul. I had let go of all my demons, trusted myself to do it and now I was finishing my story. Good or bad this was it.
I looked in the mirror and took in my outfit. Candy left my hair down but used curlers to give me ‘volume and definition’ she said. That meant my hair was down, somewhat volumized and big full curls making it look thicker and better than I ever had.
My make-up was flawless as she promised. A dark smoky eye with specks of glitter, my long black lashes curled and defined with the help of her expert skills. A light blush and my usual Peaches and Cream gloss. There was no way I was going into this with-out my trusty gloss.
I wore jeans, skinny jeans that were so skinny I was lucky I could breathe. Wear lines below the pockets and a cluster of white jewels lined the back pockets with white stitching along the seams. My top was white with long sleeves, the material somewhat see through so beneath I wore a lace camisole in black that was visible and my witch toe pointed stilettos I had saved for tonight.
On my wrist was my bracelet with the guitar charm, in my ear my graduation diamonds from Seth and Lilly.
I was ready.
“Wish me luck?” I ask Cassa who is getting ready to go see Jerry before Shame swings by his house tomorrow. Cassa gets sad when Shame is in town because she limits her time with Jerry who has been there the most for her since Shame left.
“You don’t need it baby, your flawless.” She kissed me on the cheek and left and now like always I was waiting on Candy.
By the time we made it to Quest Field I was ready to puke, meet and greet room or not. But it was walking inside the VIP entrance that stopped me in my tracks.
*
“Why are you here?” Chad asked, me seething anger evident in every breath he took the minute we walked inside the enormous room they were meeting their fans in. With his temper so quick triggered I wasn’t sure if telling him about missing him would matter. I got the anger, I did but he was still Chad, my Chad. Wasn’t I still his Carrie?
“I’m here to see you guys play?” I covered quickly but spoke so soft. He leaned in, his intent to hear my words an exaggeration as he cupped his palm around his ear and eyes wide in an attempt to hear me better. This was not going well. If he was this upset now… well I wasn’t about to drop the next bomb and send him over the edge.
“You’re here for me?” He laughed darkly and eyed me from head to foot with the enthusiasm of eyeing a white wall. “Well here I am, you can go now.” He didn’t wait to see the hurt register on my face when he spun on his heel, grabbed his guitar and stormed out the door that lead to the tour bus where the opening bands were waiting for them to party. I may be out of my element here, and a far cry from Gig Harbor but this was Chad and I believed in my heart of hearts that he would never leave me standing broken hearted by him.
I followed him back stage and out the door towards the bus and gasped in sight of the reality check Chad Blake just bitch slapped me with. Two women, tall like Chad, thin and stacked like playboy models clung to his sides. I immediately named them Right and Left. They didn’t deserve anything more than that. These women, dressed in just barely enough cloth to be considered covered, and I say that loosely, were so wasted they could barely stand on their own. There wasn’t a groupie in this nation that didn’t know who the fuck Carrie Becket looked like. Hell I was once the lead singers girl and I am Noah Beckett’s sister. Noah Beckett who currently had his tongue down Candy’s throat. I didn’t have time to figure them out, or the patience but I admired their rate of resilience and rebound.
The thought brought tears to my eyes immediately wishing I was kissing Chad. I immediately watched him with Right and Left, that pain ironically was less than watching Candy and Noah kiss-fuck each other without a word.
Scratch that, they were being held up by the love of my life, a hand on each of their asses and the giggles he was inciting had me realizing quickly that these women were not wasted, but simply stupid and cheap and I decided Noah and Candy would be my better bet. Chad was done, it was clear.
I was neither stupid or cheap, but that didn’t mean it would work in my favor. Chad was pissed at me. Not only was he was hurt, I was obviously the one that made him so angry as well as the cause of his pain. I had nothing in my corner. I gave myself a quick ‘buck-up-little-trooper’ chat and straitened my spine and followed back to the bands ‘VIP’ room for lack of a better term.
Cal immediately stepped in front of me, halting my approach. “Jesus Carrie what are you doing here?” He looked over his shoulder, I assume, to check and see if I had already witnessed the sight of Right and Left all over my man. He confirmed my assumption when he winced looking back at me guiltily. “I’m sorry Care…” His words trailed off when he didn’t know what to say and looked beyond my shoulder at the wall behind me.
“It’s okay Cal. It isn’t your dick on the line.” I snapped furiously.
“It aint his either though. You dumped him remember?” Cal asked pointedly…making his stupid….point! I wasn’t in the mood to chat i
t out with Cal and tried to step past him. He wasn’t having it. “Sorry Care but it’s like that saying. ‘Bro’s before Ho-“ Cal’s comment was interrupted by Noah’s arm slamming into Cal’s chest immediately shutting him up. Shamus had stepped in now too and both were looking at Cal as if he was the dumbest man on the planet.
I stepped back and gasped waiting for the fight to start but Cal and Noah just stared at one another in a silent but heated eye fight. After what felt like hours, but in reality was only perhaps a minute Cal’s face shifted from annoyed to fury before directing that anger at me.
“You’re gonna fuck this whole thing up Carrie!” He shouted and made a move to come at me when Shamus stepped in front of him, blocking me from his outburst. I do not think Cal would have hurt me physically, regardless how angry he was; but that didn’t stop him from screaming out his anger at me. “Every fucking time he gets any room to breathe here comes your toxic as hell bent on fucking with his head some more! He has written some of the best stuff ever because of your latest and greatest excuse for your break up- and though it benefits us, I can’t help but hate you for making him into that guy!” Cal pointed over his shoulder at the drunk as ever groper: Chad Blake who was blessedly oblivious to his guitarist’s outburst.”
“How much more do you think he can take before you turn him into a drunk or even worse a junkie?” Cal I know had no idea how fucking close those words hit home. Noah and I had danced that route time and time again. Thinking for even a second I could send Chad there, to that dark place made me want to run and stay gone forever.
“How many more fangirls will he need to bang to get you out of his head? Stop fucking with him Carrie…” Cal lost his fire when Shamus placed an arm in front of him and Noah came from behind, looking at me knowingly before pulling Cal away from me. Noah was telling me with no words to drop it and walk away, enjoy the show and party with him after. “You can’t keep hurting him Carrie it’s not fair. Enough is enough.”
I didn’t listen to Noah and his eye lecture.
Terrified that Cal was right, certain that he was I wanted desperately to make him see, to make him understand. “Because I love him Cal, I will pretend you didn’t just call me toxic. Because I love him, I will pretend that you didn’t accuse me of possibly turning Chad into some drunken gigolo or worse, my brother.” I looked to Noah who winced at my comment but took it in stride knowing I was right. “Because I love him I will explain to you why I find it so hard to stay away from Chad fucking Blake!” I screamed through the room and stood in Cal’s face, toe to toe. He may be right, may be wrong. Either way it didn’t matter. I was there for a reason.
“I know Chad and I know his dick, on a very personal level. I know what he thinks, how he feels I know his lucky socks have more holes than fabric anymore and that his favorite guitar is the one he bought second hand off you after mowing your parents lawn for three years in a row. I know Chad, Cal, and I know that had I forgiven him and come along on this tour as he would have wanted; watching nightly as he fought off women, his concern would never be on the next show or writing a new song. It would be on me, and if he was doing the right thing by following his dream after the slip up on his last tour. He would worry non-stop that he would fail and that I would resent him. Oh yes, Cal, I know Chad Blake. I know how deeply he loves me. I know that I center his universe and I know that you know how bad so many people want to be me. I do not relish Chad in pain. I hate it.” My voice hitched and my tears started to fall. I hated crying in front of Cal but I had to defend my actions before everyone thought I was a heartless bitch hell bent on destroying the only thing I loved most in this world.
“And because of how bad I need him, I came to see him tonight. I needed to be a little selfish because I am miserable every minute of every day without him. I can’t breathe…” I choked on a sob remembering Chad telling me the same thing all those months ago. I was so deep in the anger I didn’t understand him and where he was coming from. Now I just missed him so much it ate through every other thought and emotion I had and none of the bad stuff mattered. I loved him and missed him beyond reason or doubt. Days and nights combined into one miserable experience because it lacked my source of light and that source was Chad.
Now I had opened the hatch and my words were slipping free of their own accord. “I gave him up for you guys and the freedom to be in this world with no fear or guilt or worry. I gave him up for his fans and for the future that so many other bands would kill for. I gave him up because I have dreams of my own and they involve education and being someone other than Chad Blake’s girlfriend. I gave him to you and the world and I did it because I love him, but it doesn’t lessen in anyway how deeply I miss him. I was the one left behind.” I turned to leave, terrified that Chad would come see what the hold up on the party was and I did not need him to see this. I was always somehow ruining things for him. “I’m sorry I was selfish tonight. I needed to see him and hear his voice and I couldn’t let him come home and not see him. It wasn’t possible.” I wiped my eyes and smiled at Cal and Shame and Noah. “I’m glad he is making music the fans love and I’m sorry if he is hurting but I wish you could see that I did it out of fear of losing the one thing I cherished above all other things. Please don’t tell him I came.” I looked to Noah with tears in my eyes and saw him red faced and angry. At me or Cal I didn’t know. “I’m sorry.” I choked on my tears and ran out the door and into the freezing Seattle rain.
I had come to finish my story, I officially and most definitely got closure of the worst kind but an ending just the same. We were truly over, so much it seemed, there would need to be a new term for what I once called a broken heart. It was the end of us entirely. Without closure there would be no end of us continuing to hurt each other.
*
“You ok?” I jumped about a million feet at the sound of Shamus outside of my car window. Shocked that he walked all the way out here. I had parked about as far from the building entrance as possible because I got here and needed the walk inside to calm my racing heart. Now I couldn’t leave fast enough. How he made it through the lot without about a hundred screaming women hell bent on a Shamus James original and publicly known courtesy of tabloids ‘Screaming Orgasm’ was beyond me. Shame had become quite the playboy in the last few months.
“You scared me half to death Shame.” I ran my hands through my hair and shook off the startled vibe he gave just seconds before. I didn’t need an encore of the fight from ten minutes before. I was staying away for good. I had said my piece. “Why you here Shame?” I asked exhausted and ready for tonight to be so over.
“Can I sit with you for a minute?” He asked kindly and waited, hunched over looking in the window with his hands tucked close to his body. I felt even more awful knowing he was freezing to death. Even if he was coming to let me have it to, I could still be nice and keep him from going hypothermic. Besides, Shame had remained my friend even though I kept secrets from him.
Shamus slipped his six plus and close to perfect form in my car and cupped his hands to his mouth blowing into them to warm up. He was a good looking guy and easily could hold a candle to Chad in the looks department. He looked at me and smiled, rubbed his hands together again before sitting back and taking a deep breath… here it comes…
“You know that I get it right Care?” He asked. There wasn’t a note of anger in his voice and he seemed genuine.
“Get what?”
“Why you walked away but also why you came to the show tonight.” He shrugged his shoulders before shifting his body toward me more comfortably.
I couldn’t hold back the sob that retched from my throat at his words. Jeeze this just sucks so much I couldn’t even find the words. He had no idea what I was hiding from him but came to support me anyway. I felt the worst kind of guilt knowing the secrets I held of Cassa’s knowing he missed her like crazy and hated leaving her behind.
“You know how me and Sass were hell bent on proving the world wrong?” He asked only uppi
ng my guilt.
I nodded unable to say a word.
“We were the ones who were wrong. I look back now and wish like hell I had never walked away from her. My leaving made her mad, and that anger sent her head long into bars and nightlife and now she’s knocked up and married to a guy she barely knows. My chance was snuffed! One bad mistake and she will never be mine again all because I listened to a scared old man.” He took my hand and forced my eyes to meet his. “He was wrong Carrie. My old man was dead wrong making me think she could never be happy, that she would never forgive me for dragging her along if I failed. He talked me out of taking her, got in my head enough to make me think he had a point. I think Cassa would have stood beside me regardless. I was a coward and it cost me dearly.”
Fuck!
He didn’t know Cassa was divorced. He didn’t know she was almost murdered. He didn’t know Cassa was at Jerry’s almost non-stop when she wasn’t with me and Candy. He didn’t know a lot of things, but her being so close to Jerry seemed wrong after learning Jerry had been the cricket in Shames ear. I wanted to tell Cass what he said, but it wouldn’t be fair to break his confidence and not Cassa’s.
I got what he was saying though. I wasn’t dense. But Chad and I were far more brutal to one another then he and Cassa ever were or could ever be. The way he left proved that. Shame knew he couldn’t look her in the eye and walk away. We were both pussy’s the way we ran.
Chad and I never pulled punches, we were never afraid to hurt the other but Sass and Shame were. It was our biggest weakness but also our greatest strength that we could be so honest.
“Chad and I are…” I tried to find the right word when Noah’s words came to me as if he were next to me. “Chad and I are unique.”
