by Emjay Soren
“I trust you.” I say and it is the only answer he wants or needs.
There is no foreplay. Six months apart was foreplay enough and I needed him inside me. Before I could let him inside me I needed to see him, all of him. My poem on his side, my fingers wrapped around him. I opened my legs in a selfless invitation and guided every long thick inch of him inside me, bringing him home to me for good.
“Jesus fuck, I have missed you baby.” He says and lays a hand between my breasts to feel my beating heart. His other hand is on the bed beside my head and he is rocking into me slow and deep making sure he feels all of me and I feel all of him. “You’re so tight…” He mumbles to himself and I moan such a needy and greedy sound I actually blush.
“Arch your back baby, let me deeper.”
I do as he asks and feel him slip farther than ever before. “I love you Chad.” I say as I climb that inevitable hill that will lurch my body off and into oblivion. He has me close, hitting the head of his cock on the top of my cervix and tapping my G spot with determination. He knows my body as well as he knows his guitar and works it just as perfectly. “Right there babe.” I pant and he chuckles the cocky sex God he is. He knows what he’s doing without question.
“Come for me Carrie. Please baby I can’t…” He never finished the sentence because I came with his command and felt him kick off inside me marking me as his once again.
We cried out together, promising love and forever and I knew that it was right.
Dorothy and John Donne came together and created a home of promise, love and security in the heart of our own Emerald City.
I'll follow you down, through the eye of the storm
Don't worry I'll keep you warm.
I'll follow you down, while we're passing through space
I don't care if we fall from grace
I'll follow you down to where forever lies
Without a doubt I’m on your side
There's nowhere else that I would rather be
Am not about to comprise, give you up to say goodbye
I'll guide you through the deep I'll keep you close to me!
Shinedown
Epilogue
Chad took me and Noah out to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings because that was who they were and I loved it. They drank cheap beer hung out with some fans and then to my complete surprise he looked at Noah and handed him a shot of Jameson.
“So look, there was something I need to run by you guys.” He seemed nervous and that was so not Chad’s style. He could talk a room full of Eskimo’s into buying ice he was that comfortable in his skin.
“Okay man shoot.” Noah said but waited to take the shot because Chad hadn’t touched his yet.
He looked to both of us, his ball cap on backwards and his deep grey hoodie making him impossible to ignore…at least for me. “Well, here’s the thing. Your dad he was a sick prick without a soul and he could never ever deserve what I am about to ask.” He looks at us both as if trying to gouge our reactions but we are both still waiting. Nothing he has said makes sense other than our dad sucks at life. That we knew.
“Noah, you’re my brother, my best friend and my band mate. You are the greatest man I know and the closest thing to a father my girl has. You always had her back even when she was wrong. Because of you she was able to let me in, to trust me and promise me things she never thought she would have.”
He is choking on the words but I know he won’t cry and neither will Noah but I am crying because I am sure I know where he is going.
“I want to marry her. I want to be her husband and give her babies and never make her want for anything. I want your blessing and I want you to give me her hand with my promise that I would die protecting her.”
“Holy fuck!” I gasp because yay! I was right!
Noah seemed to take in Chad’s words and looked between the two of us for what felt like forever. I was about to kick him when he finally spoke, his eyes pinned on me. “I did as best as I could by you Carrie. I fucked shit up though too. I don’t doubt you love Chad or he you, but I fought so hard to keep you from ever being with someone like him that I didn’t see that he was what you needed.” Now he looked to Chad who looked like he was about to kick Noah too. “I’m fucking glad that I made you work for her, I made you stew and pine so that you knew how fucking special she is. You knew already though and you waited for her. You went leaps and bounds and made deals even the devil wouldn’t have made to find her flower and her music. You opened her up and made her live in a way I never would have been able to. You’re my brother by bone and by soul and I would never deny you what you do best and what you’re best at is loving Carrie. Fuck yes bro, she’s always been yours.”
He stood and took his shot before pulling Chad into a man hug that was full of hidden tears and emotion simply because they were men. Chad slammed his shot and without hesitation he dropped to one knee right there on the filthy floor of Buffalo Wild Wings. The place went silent and every person with a cell phone close enough would have this moment on YouTube within the hour. All I cared about was him on his knee before me.
“There is nothing I won’t do for your smile. I’ll listen to country music. I’ll buy you all the girl shit you want or need. I’ll fill our house with night blooming jasmine, I’ll make you our own boathouse in Gig and I’ll never not be in love with you. Not a single day goes by that you’re not my first thought in the morning and my last before bed. You’re my it, my all, my everything. Marry me Carrie?”
I had a million and one things to say but nothing came because I was sobbing. I nodded and flew myself into his arms, an answer on my lips and all I had was a nod.
“I want to say yes for certain so yes!” I kiss him and pull him close holding him to me tightly.
“Thank fuck!” I hear from behind us and see Candy, Cal, Shamus and Lilly and Seth all behind us. It was Cal that spoke though and my tears were renewed now that everyone I loved was here…except for Cassa. I made a vow to call her the first chance I had to pee.
“Shots for everyone!” Chad yelled and he meant the entire place. Rockstar moves on a rockstar budget.
As the shots were passed around he made his way to me, eyes on mine and love all over the fucking place. “Want to make a toast with me Future Mrs. Blake?”
“I would love to but I can’t.” My smile is soft and shy and he leans in.
He cocks his head to the side and looks at me. “You are aren’t you?” He asks and he is referring to our conversation last night.
I nod and he pulls me into him so excited I am overjoyed. “You’re pregnant?”
“I am. At least that’s what the test said this morning. You stole my thunder asking us out tonight. I had a whole thing planned and decided I would tell you at home but then you one upped me.”
“Even my sperm love you baby. We tried and succeeded our first bang out the gate!” He hoots out loud between us and I roll my eyes.
“Charming baby.”
“Fuck Charming baby.” He says it against my lips and I can’t help but think that maybe yes his sperm do love me. We had discussed kids and marriage in length with no preference to what one came first. Based on the tour we had decided that now would have been a time to try if we didn’t want to wait a few years so off birth control I went. My book was done and the second tour would be over after the baby was born. I told him last night that we might be because I was late, tired and I had gotten sick that morning.
He had been so excited and I demanded he not get his hopes up.
The bastard one upped me!
“I am always gonna one up you baby. I at least needed a ring on that finger of yours before you told me my baby was in your belly.” As the master of one upping me he did it in perfect style once again. Pulling from his pocket a moderate sized diamond that was so old, the band of gold was thin and the setting was loose.
“This was my grandma’s. Gramps gave it to her forty-eight years ago and when I asked for it he didn’t hesitate. I�
�ll buy you your own because this is old and special and it’s what I want to give you now and the day we marry but its special and ours. We can buy you an everyday ring, any ring you want but marry me with this one please.”
Like I said. One upped me.
“Yes Chad. I love it and you and our baby.”
“Forever baby?” He asks and slips it on my finger, the perfect fit a sign.
“Forever.”
The End!
Copyright © 2014 by Melanie Walker writing as Emjay Soren
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Printed in the United States of America
First Printing, 2014
Second Printing. 2020
ISBN 9781720109587
Dedication
This book is dedicated to all the women in my life that held my hand when I was weak and let me hold theirs when I was strong.
Forgive Me
TAT: A Rocker Romance Novel
By Emjay Soren
Don’t hate me… Trust me, yeah?
~Noah Beckett
He says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I’m somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a Savior
‘Till I break at the bend
Prologue
Cassa
Dear Shamus,
I…fuck! I don’t know how to write Shame. Carrie is the writer, I take pictures and make my point through a lens. I don’t know what I assume this letter is going to do for me, other than taking the advice of Carrie and Noah and agreeing that I need to unload this shit from inside of me before I let it consume me.
I’m pregnant Shame, and the kicker is, I’m carrying your baby, our baby. I don’t think I will ever come clean though, I can never tell you what we created just nights before you left me behind.
No word
No second thoughts
Just drove away with TAT and let your dreams manifest into reality. A reality that didn’t involve me.
I don’t think I can tell you about this baby and watch you try and be the bigger man and come back for me, for us. I have more pride than that Shame. I didn’t let your leaving me break me. I made sure to keep my sanity and move on. Anger is a fucking mistress to a broken heart, and anger is my mistress.
I met Corey just over a month ago and though he isn’t you, he loves me just as hard and he wants this baby and me like he wants his next breath. Corey knows who you are, who you were to me before TAT made it big. He thinks this baby is his and the saddest part of that is I would rather him think it was nobodies than to ever think it was yours.
He would probably leave me too.
So, I will marry Corey tonight, he will hold our baby and think it is his and he will never feel trapped by me or this baby. He won’t leave me behind and turn his cheek when changes come.
I however will look at our baby and see you, every day for the rest of my life and that will be my punishment.
There will never be a day that I don’t love you Shamus. I will hold our baby, love our baby and maybe one day if the anger doesn’t consume me, then I will let you meet our baby.
I don’t love Corey, not the way I love you, but I love myself and this baby enough that I will live this lie and suffer for it every day.
Forever yours,
Sassy
“What the fuck?” Corey roared and slammed his meaty fist into the side of my face. He forced me to listen to the words of my soul on that page, that fucking letter I should have thrown out. I had been in such dire straits and I wasn’t thinking clearly when I wrote it. I was scared and alone and I made mistakes that I have long since paid for.
“Fuck you!” I snarled through the blood in my mouth and tried to stand from the floor where he had knocked me to his feet. I would not cower to Corey ever. I knew that standing would only anger him more, but I was a master at pride before the fall. “You know what it is. You’re a fucking lawyer and that indicates your smarts Corey. What do you think it is?”
“In the last six months you have broken every fucking promise you made to me Cassa! And now I learn the one redeeming thing about you, our baby was really his baby? The child of a fucking Rockstar, a drummer no less, a man who is paid to beat a stick to circle and create noise!” He started clapping while stalking toward me.
I flinched. Fuck!
He smiled.
“Scared?” He asked his voice a sinister noise in the room. His eyes were vacant, empty and soulless. He was such a handsome man when I met him, completely different from Shamus. Corey had sandy blonde hair, crystal blue eyes and was as clean cut as any lawyer in Bellevue. He was money and class and Armani suits where Shamus was naughty, tattooed, sexy and sin. His dark brown hair was long, his arms were defined by muscle and sinew from years of “making noise”.
“Never!” I spat and laughed when he kicked me in the gut dropping me even though I had fought to stand back up. There was no standing now.
He crouched down beside me and I turned my head not wanting to see what he would do next. His hits were harder this time, his kicks much more brutal. I wasn’t going to be able to hide his marks from Mike and Roni let alone from Carrie and Candy or the guys in TAT. Shame I could avoid but the others would go apeshit. As my lies went I had covered this mess of a life as best I could.
This time there would be no cover and I would have no choice but to avoid them.
He grasped my hair in his fist, twisting the strands so tight I could feel them rip free of my scalp and I couldn’t help but cry out at the pain. “I can’t believe I fell for your shit Cassa.” He spoke through gritted teeth, yanking on my hair until my face was before him nose to nose and unable to hide. “I am done with you.”
They were the sweetest words he had ever said to me. I didn’t understand the meaning or maybe I would have begged.
I doubt I would have begged. I never begged Corey. I always stood back up. But I felt the knife as he stabbed me in the groin. I felt the burn as he sliced me open. I fell back in shock landing on my back. I tried to roll over and get my feet but with every move pain so fierce lanced through me severing any hope of standing back up.
“No!” He roared and kicked me in the shoulder hindering all movement entirely. I screamed, and I felt for the first time broken. That scream was me finally shattering at his hands. I hated him and what he robbed me of with that scream. “No, you’re going to stay the fuck down while I play.”
He sat on my chest, his back to me making breathing impossible.
And then he started cutting me, the pain forcing my mind to shut down and sleep. I slept to the sounds of my screams of pain only to be awoken to a much bigger tragedy.
Seven days later
“Look Cass, we have thrown all the money in the world, in the bands fucking name at this but it’s still seriously fucked up.” This was Chad who was trying to be nice even though he was mad at me.
They all were.
I had kept secrets that made them furious.
I no longer had secrets from this soul family of mine and I accept that; but I needed to keep them from Shamus.
“Don’t throw any money at it Chad. I don’t care what you do as long as he doesn’t know.”
Chad, God bless him, he was already in the heat of dealing with Carrie leaving him for cheating. He lived in a darkness all his own, so I knew he understood needing to protect a broken heart.
“Cass, I would die, so would the boys, to protect you with this. But I know what keeping a secret can cost and I hate to cost you and Shame this. There is no guarantee that he won't find out. There is no guarantee from the pops that they won't leak this fucking nightmare anyway. I need to protect you first, but I have to protect him too Cass.” I could hear the pain and raw worry in
his voice and I hated putting some of my best friends in this nightmare. I was blessed knowing they would gladly walk me out of hell hand in hand, but I didn’t want them too.
“Chad, I deserved this. I kept this from Shamus, I lied to Corey and everyone else. This is my punishment and I will own it. I just don’t want him to think he needs to come and save me.”
“He wouldn’t think it Cass, he would come save you.”
“There is nothing to save Chad.”
“Cass-“
“Nope!” I replied after cutting him off. Let the media at it, let the world know what a complete mess I made of my life. Let them see that karma is truly a fucking cunt. If Shame finds out, then it’s just my luck and I will own that too.
“Cassa you deserve peace sweetie. What happened between you and Shame was fucked up on Shames part, but he had his reasons. It doesn’t mean you didn’t have yours too. I’m a prideful guy Cass and I know where your mind was when you realized you were pregnant.” He paused on the word like he forgot how deep that lie buried me. “Had Shame known he would have come for you, but he would have come because he loved and missed you. Your baby would have been a bonus.”
“Well we are never gonna know the truth Chad and I’m left with little to offer any guy now so let's call this what it is and let the world decide.” I rolled over and cringed from the pain in my stomach. Corey had taken my body and created a road map of scars across my groin. He had removed in haste my uterus and carved apart the rest of me.
No, I had nothing left to offer.
Now I was living for me.
Six months later
“I cannot believe you are pregnant!” I cry and smile from ear to ear hugging my closest girlfriend besides Roni my sister in law.
Chad, Noah and Carrie had come by the small apartment I share with Candey, this morning to spread the good news. Noah had shocked me stupid when he was bouncing on his heels in excitement of becoming an Uncle. “We found out yesterday, but I had tried to surprise Chad.” Carrie glared at Chad who winked, and I knew that wink the dirty bastard.
