by Emjay Soren
Noah took the money with an uncomfortable sigh but took it none the less. “I understand needing shit on your own and so I won’t fight you even if I hate it.”
I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Too bad.”
I looked to the mirror now, dressed in a sexy but appropriate outfit, my makeup a little more flawless than usual. My breasts were fabulous so at least I could make him pant a little. It was so weird that the minute Shamus arrived, the small speck of the girl I used to be shined through a little. If not for Shamus having so much going for him, and me with my secrets, I wondered if I would have bothered changing the rules and dressing modestly? I knew that even if he were a fry cook at Burger King, I would have gone to him tonight, dressed as I was now.
I may still love Shamus, but I wasn’t a doormat either. He left me with no concern or thought for what pain it caused me.
I had no problem making him sweat a little once he saw me. I would show him I was just fine without him… even if I wasn’t.
*
The drive over to Jerry’s took less than five minutes and Carrie drove in slowly taking a mental count of all the cars in the small driveway looking for any she recognized. You never would have thought a drunk lived here. The house was small on a giant piece of property that wound to a dock in the back. Jerry’s boat sat silent and alone on the water. I could make out the name on the side of the craft and smiled. ‘I Got Crabs’. He named the boat that knowing people would never forget the name. He was right. Beneath the name was the small writing. James and Son. He had purchased this house with Brenda his wife long before Shame was born. Brenda was from Gig Harbor and Jerry was Seattle born and raised. When they found out they were having Shame, Brenda wanted to raise him in Gig Harbor instead of the city. Jerry turned the house into his business home. Four months out of the year he lived in Seattle, which meant he was out on the water and only docking in Seattle. The minute Shame turned eighteen Jerry moved to Seattle and Shamus stayed in Gig Harbor, both contents to be apart.
Jerry had always wanted Shamus to come home and take over the business. Shame always wanted music and it was the two separate dreams they had that shattered the father son bond between them. Jerry died waiting for Shamus to come home for good.
I walked to the front of the house looking at the perfectly manicured yard. Jerry would mow it every Sunday before his shakes kicked in. He would drink a six-pack while he worked to get it perfect. Then he would reward himself after his chores were complete.
We knocked gently on the screen door. I could hear the footsteps as they walked toward the door and held my breath as my heart started beating its way from my chest. My entire body erupted in nervous jitters. I was going to face Shamus, love of my life and empty pit of my soul in just seconds, and I was excited.
Fuck!
The faint shadow as it got closer to the door was one a of woman. I looked at Carrie in confusion and knew she was hiding something. For a girl with secrets she sure sucks at hiding things from others. When I was sure I would pass out from the anticipation the door opened.
*
“Jesus Roni you gave me a heart-attack.” I exclaimed with a smile as I pulled her in close. “How’s the drama?”
“No drama yet but the night’s still early.” She winked and handed over a sleeping Noelle to an anxious Carrie hence the smile Carrie had been wearing just seconds before. There was no secret, the woman just missed her baby girl.
“No don’t go through there you’ll be swarmed.” Carrie said in a hushed voice as she pulled me around the side of the house instead of walking through the front door, Noelle curled closely into her neck. “Shamus is in there with some skank named Becky or some shit and she is a complete fangirl.”
So, there was the secret the little traitor. She knew I would have gone on back to the car if I had known he brought a girl. Just hearing his name was like taking a knife to the chest. For the first time in two years I was less than a hundred feet from Shamus James, love of my life. “Well seeing Shame now after all this time with a fangirl hanging off his arms sounds like torture.” I didn’t even hesitate to snag a bottle of Lynchburg Lemonade from the cooler outside and opened it immediately.
“I’m sorry Sass, I should have been more considerate.” Carrie pulled me in for a hug and squeezed the life out of me wrapping us both around baby Noelle. Carrie had lived a life of terror until Noah was old enough to run away with them both. How she stayed so upbeat and positive was a lesson I wished I could learn. “Stay out here with us. We’re the cool ones anyway.”
I laughed and followed her to the bonfire burning bright, the Puget Sound was glistening in the distance. “Sis.” Mikey said and slapped a hand on Roni’s hips to stand and kiss her. They both walked to Carrie and I, fake smiles in place. “How are you holding up?” Mike asked, forcing me to cringe and roll my eyes.
“Mikey it’s not like I am a fan meeting the band. I’m fine. Jerry was my friend, my second father. Seeing Shamus again in this situation sucks but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.”
“He asked about you when we got here.” Mike said. He had always been more like one of the girls when it came to gossip.
I took a seat beside Carrie and smiled to Chad Blake, the lead singer in TAT. “Hey Chad.”
He stood all six feet four of him. Chad was the sexy one of the group. Chad got most the attention as the lead singer, with swagger that no girl could ignore. I heard a small sigh from Carrie beside me and I knew they would be sneaking off somewhere. They were like teenagers non-stop. Shame and I had been like that once, Carrie had even said she wished she and Chad could be as strong as me and Shame… how times have changed.
Once they found one another and let all the bad go, the bad found me and Shame and we lost one another. “Don’t ‘hey Chad’ me. Get over here Cassa.”
His arms were open, but he didn’t wait for me to stand when he scooped me up in a hug. “I’m so sorry ‘bout Jerry Cass. I know how connected you two were.”
“Thanks Chad.” I whispered and held him tight. Chad was no different from Cal or Noah and had bent backwards, sideways and upside down to make sure I was protected in the nightmare that was Corey. Hearing Chad say he understood my connection to Jerry made my heart ache. Chad understood broken because of his wife and the broken pieces he helped to mend.
“Noah’s inside and I know he wants to see you.” Chad pulled back, his hands on my shoulders though so he could look me in the eyes. “Want me to text him and tell him you’re here? I know you don’t really want to head inside.”
“That would be nice. Thanks Chad.” Noah had been there for me as well because of the friendship between Candy, Carrie and I but felt it was because he knew how low you fell when someone beat you down. He knew because just as he desperately tried to save his sister, he refused to let me fall too. He always knew when I was in my own head and he fought to bring me back. All the hours doing my tattoo were therapeutic in a sense because Noah was a safe place for my thoughts. He had a way of breaking down bullshit and getting to the truth. He was my closest guy friend and I knew he was worried sick about me facing Shame tonight. I also knew he wanted to make sure I didn't face him alone.
“Of course.” Chad kissed me on the cheek and pulled out his phone to send the text.
I looked to Carrie who was smiling at something behind her. I turned and saw Candy making her way toward the fire with Noah on her heels.
“Cassa Stapleton get your hot ass over here.” Candy yelled over the crowed. I had a moment of panic, but a quick search around the yard showed no signs of Shamus. I went right to Candy and hugged her tight. “I didn’t see you get here and I swore you bailed on coming. I was ready to text stalk you brat!” She said with a smile and kissed me on the top of my head. “You doing okay?”
I knew she was asking about seeing Shamus and oddly that wasn’t my biggest concern just then.
“I just wish that I would have come here sooner yesterday.” The guilt would probably
never go away and I would now have to live with that amongst other things.
“It wouldn’t have changed a thing sweets.” Noah said consolingly and pulled me close. “How are you?” He asked, and I knew there was more to the question than the obvious.
“I’m okay.”
“Any problems?” He asked knowing that Corey was going to be released any day from prison and after the threats he had made when he went in Noah was worried he would follow through. Next to Mikey and his constant worrying over my safety, Noah was just as obsessed over it. Corey hated Jerry James and my relationship with him. The news had been covering Jerry's death, both as a Seattle crabber and the father to Shamus James. If Corey knew of the death he hadn't made a point in letting me know.
“No nothing. It’s been over two years and now with Jerry's death, if he wanted to get to me he could. Even from behind bars he could find a way, so I’m hoping he has let the anger die down and move on.”
“Sweets all he’s had is two years to plan what he wants to do. Promise me you’re careful. No making appointments with new clients without Mikey or me being informed.”
“You’ll be on tour Noah, so you won’t be much help.”
His green eyes were just as brilliant as his sisters’ blue ones and they were boring down on Cassa now. “Tour doesn't start for another six months. Don’t think I can’t help from far away when we are on tour Cassa. I have my ways.”
God Noah could be scary.
Annoyed for even letting the thought of Corey get to me, I ran my fingers through my hair and looked at Noah with my fake smile. “Look tonight isn’t about me or my crazy as fuck ex-husband. It’s about Jerry and how amazing he was.”
“Yeah well Jerry will come back from the dead and haunt my ass if I don’t look out for you so just humor me.” Noah chuckled unaffected by annoyance.
I just rolled my eyes looking to Candy for help. “Kiss him or fuck him or something to keep his mind off me.”
“She already did that.” Noah said and then laughed when Candey slapped his chest and I cringed. Over the last year I saw and heard enough of them when Noah was in town to make me despise sex anymore.
“Noah who’s this?” A female voice said from a distance. Candey rolled her eyes and shook her head annoyed. I froze and looked in the blue eyes of a woman I had never met.
“Hi.” I said and extended my hand and tried not to cringe at the scowl the woman gave me immediately. I hated these fake bitches that swarmed my guys. I thought the local fangirls held the market on insanity, but I was so wrong. Now that TAT was a world-wide recognized band and in the top one-hundred the fangirls are even more demented.
“Hi.” She said as if she was confused by my greeting and possibly could be seeing as most fangirls had a seventh-grade mentality. “Can I help you?” She asked Candy who was watching her like she was ready to attack at any second. The woman’s voice was cold and sneering like we were the ones crashing the party. Fuck her! Jerry was a dad to me and to my friends. We were family and this bitch was trash.
I was also stunned for a moment and tried to put two and two together. Who was she? I swore I had never met her before. “Hey Cassa, come tell me about your shoot today.” Carrie called from behind me, but it was the blondes face when she heard my name that made me stay.
“You’re Cassa?” She said my name with the enthusiasm of a child and their plaything. I was dead on when I prejudged the bitch. She was beyond catty and her tone made it clear. Too bad for her that I loved knocking catty bitches off their pedestal. I watched these guys suffer through their adolescence, I held their hands as parents died, babies were born, even the times in their lives that they were made victims. I had been there supporting them all along and this bitch thought she had the right to stare me and my girls down? Obviously, she knew who I was, either by the guys talking about me or by Shame. It didn’t matter, what did is she thought she had the right to try and intimidate me. I would just teach her the same lesson I taught all the other fangirls over the years.
“Is it your concern?” Candy asked, her tone just as snide as the Barbie bitch before me.
“Well unlike you I have a reason for being here. My boyfriend’s dad died. You’re just the fangirl that keeps Noah warm when he’s home.” She rolled her eyes at Candy before turning her glare on me, looking me up and down like she wanted to see if she measured up.
She didn’t. I had class and morals and I was his girl long before the whores came for him. Hearing this trash call Shame her boyfriend though, was like another knife in the gut and the Barbie doll before me knew she hit her mark.
I felt like she had kicked me in the chest, sadly I know how bad a boot to the sternum hurts so I had to give Barbie credit for making me feel like shit. Noah was watching my reaction and scoffed at Barbie Bitches words. “You wish Brittany. You’re the ass that Shame is tapping this week.” He shrugged his shoulders and planted a kiss on Candy so fierce that they both were breathless when they came up for air. “You’ll be dropped by the time he leaves Seattle. Candy though, Candy is always in my bed.”
No longer bothering with the rude blond who seemed annoyed to be there I tried to get away, but the blond wasn’t done.
“He may write songs about you but it’s my name he calls out when fucking me.”
I never backed down in the past. Corey always said it was my biggest problem and I needed to learn when to shut up and where my place was. The fact I could never bear a child is because I never learned to just shut the fuck up, I sure as fuck wasn’t about to start now.
“Let me guess, he calls out Sweetheart or Sugar, Baby or Beautiful?”
Brittany smiled. “You bet your ass he does.”
I nodded knowingly. “I knew that Shamus very well and all he means when saying that is that you mean so little to him he can’t be bothered to remember your name.” Seeing the fury in the fangirls eyes gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t had in years. The hoots and hollers from my friends only spurred me on. “And when he fucked me, repeatedly for years, he always got my name right. You are nothing more than a notch on a very used, very worn out bedpost.” With that I began making my way back to Carrie and Chad refusing to acknowledge how much I hated knowing he brought such trash home for his dad’s funeral. Then my ego reared its ugly head.
Fuck why didn’t I bring a date!?
Before I could bail to sit beside Carrie and Chad who looked to be ‘discussing’ something about Brittany, I heard my name that voice that still haunted even my very best dreams.
Chapter Four
Cassa
“I can’t believe it.” He said his voice still like a whisper reeling my mind back to when that voice made me come on command.
I regained my composure before I faced Shamus standing next to Mike and Roni. He was still the most beautiful specimen of man I had ever seen even though he had changed. His once long brown hair was now gone, almost completely shaved close to his head. Both ears were gauged now. He stood tall, taller than my memory could recall. But his gray eyes were what I always remembered, gun metal gray, dark and haunting.
“Hey Shame.” I finally said when the cat let go of my tongue. I couldn’t help but notice that everyone stopped what they were doing to watch our two-year separation end. He stepped towards me, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling my small body against his giant one.
God he still made me melt and he smelled like I remembered. Shame was basic still. Even with his new career making him a millionaire before he was thirty, he used AXE deodorant and body spray at 3.99 a pop.
He smelled divine.
I love AXE!
I didn’t want to make a spectacle of myself, but I couldn’t help it. I breathed him in, locking the feel of him, the smell of him in that dark and secret place inside I went to when the memory of Corey was too much. I had missed him so much that I cursed my memory for the bad version I had clung too. I did Shamus no justice at all. I had missed him so much that it rushed the pain of losing him and al
l I endured throughout the last few year’s right back to the surface.
“Jesus Sassy you look the same.” He used his nickname for me and it melted me to even hope he remembered me as his Sassy. He pulled back from me all too soon and it was crushing to lose the feel of him.
His eyes stayed on me though, taking in the sight of the changes I had made since he ripped me to shreds. He cupped my face in his hands and I gasped in hope and shock wanting his mouth on mine then and there. Forget the past let’s focus on kissing Shame one last time.
Hope is a foolish bitch. I was desperate for his touch, even more so for his kiss but he stood there before me like fantasy made real and watched in astonishment as my tears fell.
I don’t know why I let my emotions get away with me, but it’s him and I know it. I was helpless when in his presence and even after all this time and a pit of endless secrets between us, I still loved him with everything inside of me. My tears were because he wasn’t mine anymore and a world where Shamus James wasn’t mine was a world I hated.
I fought to regain my composure because regardless of my love for him, he was still the man who wrecked me and moved on to something that resembled a woman, though I was pretty sure ‘Brittany’ was a succubus hell bent on stealing his soul. “Sorry I am just so taken back by his death and then seeing you….” I paused not sure what to say.
