by Emjay Soren
“Cal, c’mon.” I say and pull back from him. I can see he is frustrated by my stopping him and I am fucking pissed that Jenny tends to always get into trouble and calling me at fucking midnight? It can only spell trouble.
“Babe, Jenny needs her boundaries. She knows when she can call, she knows when she can see Axe and more importantly she has my personal cell number that is the emergency number. If there was a problem, it’s that phone she would call. She’s probably out drinking and partying and drunk dialing you.”
“Why the hell would she drunk dial me?” I ask, and he looks at me, still perched between my thighs before he sighs and crawls from the bed. I hate that this is going to ruin round two, but I hate more that he is now irritated by me.
He is slipping his gray Nike muscle tank over his head when he looks at me incredulously. “Babe, really?”
“Yes really.” I say and decide to gather my panties and slip them on before snaking one of Cal’s tee-shirts from the dresser drawer.
“Because.” He says and slowly walks toward me. The swagger on this man is enough to make me come. “You care about her getting what she wants. You want her to be a part of this for Axe but for her too. She knows that you are on her side if she keeps doing well. That can be some heady shit I bet considering she doesn’t have anyone.”
I feel my heart melt at his words because it justifies everything I have been through today. All thoughts vanish though when the tune to ‘Take me to church’ plays from Cal’s phone on the nightstand. “Hello?” Cal says immediately. I watch his facial expressions as he goes from questioning to worry in a blink. “Noah did what? I can barely hear you Jenny.” He is throwing his basketball shorts on and tossing his socks on the bed as he listens and hangs on every word. I am dressing as fast as I can, terrified that something bad happened to my friend. “Give me twenty. I am gonna grab Shame and we will be there.”
By the time he was off the phone Cal was literally running out the door with a fast kiss goodbye. I knew as he drove off that the man I love is about to step right on in to Noah’s nightmare.
You don’t need to bother
I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on
I won’t let go’ til it bleeds
Chapter Eighteen
Cal
The minute I answered the phone I was taken back by the fear in Jenny’s voice and I keep replaying the conversation in my head in hopes I’ll figure his stupid ass out.
“Ohmygod Cal!” Jenny shrieked into the phone the minute I answered. “Thank god you answered, I have tried calling Tayla and your business cell and you weren’t answering. Noah just got his ass kicked by three huge biker looking guys. He is bleeding and completely wasted. The only person he will talk to is Jonesy, but she is about as flighty as a piece of paper.”
“Noah did what?” I asked in shock as I started getting ready to bail.
“I didn’t know who to call Cal. I didn’t think the cops would be the best bet considering everything he’s been through this year.”
After telling her to sit tight and wait for us I shot Shame a quick text to get dressed and that Noah was in trouble. Shame has become the Noah whisperer. The two of them have some unspoken deal between them that places Shame in the awful position of being the crutch Noah leans on. As I pull into Sass and Shames house I see Sam’s bad ass 57' Chevy in the driveway and I cringe. Poor bastard has been nothing but nice to me but knowing he has touched and kissed my Tay makes me hate that fucker on principal.
I get ready to shoot him a text that I am here, but I see him and Sam both coming toward my Jeep. “What the fuck now?” Shame asks as he clicks his seatbelt and Sam does the same from the back. I turn the radio down, TOOL’s Jambi fades away into a whisper as I fill them in on Jenny’s call.
“I am at a loss man. I don’t know anymore. He seems fine one day then the next he is like a ghost that doesn’t resurface for a week.” Shame is scrubbing his face and I feel bad for the dude. He takes the brunt of Noah’s pain and BS to keep the peace for us all but mainly for Carrie because she is just fucking sad these days. Her sadness affects Chad and that affects us because he isn’t as invested in TAT as he was before Candey died. Noah is a fucking wrecking ball to this band and family
I am trying to figure out how to handle this entire situation because I have hit the fucking end with his shit.
“You need to call Chad and have him meet us here.” To even think about the next move, I am going to make has me scrubbing my face in disbelief. “See if Cassa can head to my house to stay with Axe. I need to get Tay here for this.”
I am texting Tayla as I speak telling her to meet me at Skin when both Sam and Shame say simultaneously. “What are you planning?”
“We need to try to get him to see reason. You guys don’t know this yet because it was a surprise to us from Noah and Tay, but Noah signed back on this afternoon.”
“What the fuck?” Shame asks in disbelief. I glance at Sam in the rearview mirror and he looks as if this was expected but not supportive. I got to be honest I am not too supportive of that idea myself.
“Tay was going to have everyone over at the house tonight for the big reveal but after the drama with the girls she threw the papers on the counter and left to drive and clear her mind.” I say and flick my turn signal on as I turn onto the freeway heading to Tacoma where Skin is located.
“About that fight bro, Cassa has been having a hard time with seeing all the kids’ man. It’s killing her and when she got home tonight she broke down and told me what happened. If it’s any consolation, she intends to right that with Tay ASAP.” Shame was one of the best dudes I knew. We guys didn’t get involved in the chick drama when it happened. Knowing he was man enough to speak up in this instance showed what a truly bad ass guy he was.
“Tay knows that dude.” Sam says from the backseat and Shame and I both look up to the mirror. “She’s not tripping out thinking they are all bitches. I just think she is trying to understand it all and figure out her place in this whole thing. I know Jenny is a pain in the ass and I sure as fuck won’t nominate her for mom of the year, but Tay had her figured out in three minutes once she talked to her and she isn’t all bad. Awful mom and that’s undeniable, but she does have true love for Axe, she just has a better outlet for it now in a way she can handle it.”
“Yeah...” I say feeling like a complete tool for having not known all that prior to tonight. I can’t deny it bothers the fuck out of me though that he knows the problem, just like Noah, long before I did. All I can do is hope that Tay will start running to me now.
We get to Skin, and all take a deep breath before making our way inside. Tay sent me a text about ten minutes ago telling me she was coming with Chad. “Let’s not make a big production out of it until they get here. Just chill and have a beer.” I say as we step through the door, our ears bleeding from Porn Star Dancing as it blares from the sound system.
We spot Noah immediately sitting at the front of the stage throwing money to the dancer before him. Sam looks at Shame and I with a Cheshire grin. “When in Rome boys.”
We follow.... I mean c’mon, we are guys, and this is free tits and ass. There is no denying how hot it is watching a woman dance out a fantasy, its damn near religious. I know that there are guys who won’t admit the love of a little T&A as well as the guys that claim to hate it. I call bullshit on that. This is guy heaven and you can look all you want. I might have changed my bachelor ways, but there are some things you can’t take from me and worshiping the view of the female form is one of them.
Fucking sue me.
What we weren’t prepared to see was Noah, hunched forward bleeding like a fresh kill and bruised like he went around with TYSON. Jenny was sitting beside him her hand on his shoulder. Shame went ramrod stiff at the sight and started looking around the club to see how many people knew what was really going on and if they knew who it was slumped forward at the stage. I look to
Sam who seems to read my mind as we come in on Noah from each side of him, Jenny backing away immediately. Shame is at our backs watching for any sign of trouble.
“We need a private room Jen.” I say and then on the count of three Sam and I hunch a barely breathing Noah on our arms and follow Jenny to a VIP suite. Once we have him situated on the couch I go to get my wallet, but Shame is on it. “Here’s my card, book this room for the night. Call the number on that business card and tell Drake we need security here stat. Do not let anyone in here accept Tay and Chad. Security will show you their ID as well as say the word green. If anyone doesn’t know that word they don’t get in here, feel me?”
Jenny nods and rushes from the room. “Shame I need a smoke.” Noah slurs through a drunken high haze but also with swollen bleeding lips.
“You can’t smoke in here my man.” Shame says and Noah groans kicking the table in front of him. Sam hands him a smoke though and lights it before looking at Shame with a mellow relaxed look. “Dude the fact he wants a smoke is the least of anyone’s problem right now.”
I want to hate Sam, but he is so fucking cool, and it irritates the fuck out of me. More even when Shame and I both nod in agreement.
“Why are you here Cal?” Noah asks and looks at me with that toxic knowing look. I have never seen Noah in a state of absolute rock bottom like I am now. It makes me cringe in disgust. Noah was once a pretty fun-loving guy, fun loving for Noah anyway. He loved the pussy parties and the music or the ass he would pull from tattooing. Seeing him as he is now is point proof that when you lose a good woman she takes the world you lived in with her.
“Because dude, you have had a hell of a night and by the looks of things you need to get to a hospital.” I am trying to figure out what area is bleeding the heaviest and what spots on his body may be broken, other than his nose.
“Fuck that. I am fine and feeling free man.” Noah says, and I see the zoned out, not a care in the world look in his eyes and I snap.
I don’t just snap I completely come un-fucking-hinged at the complete lack of conscience he has. He doesn’t give a fuck we are here, or that our women are at home worried and waiting. He doesn’t give a shit about any of it. I swoop forward and gather his shirt at the neck and haul him off his ass spinning until I have his back slammed against the wall. “I am so fucking tired of your ass Noah. You’re about as pathetic as all the junkies out there. That’s all you are anymore. A sad, pathetic pity party of bullshit and I am fucking sick of it!” To make my point I slam him against the wall again in hopes that I can physically make him snap the fuck out of it.
I feel arms pulling me away from Noah, but my fists are twisted in his filthy Affliction shirt and I am not relenting. “Cal! Enough man!” Chad says, and I look over my shoulder, murderous rage in my eyes and see my sweet girl covering her mouth in shock as tears fall from her eyes seeing me in a state such as this the minute she walked in the room.
“Enough?” I question with mock laughter and use Noah’s body as I turn and shake him and Chad both free. Chad is a big guy and can hold his own, so he barely stumbles, but Noah has nothing, but weakness left, a shell, and that shell falls to the floor in a stumbling fumbling break it all as he goes down way. “I haven’t even fucking begun Chad.”
“Bro I get the anger I do-” Chad is cut off by Sam who steps up beside me.
“No, it isn’t enough. It is about mother fuckin time one of you bastards grew a pair and let that fucker have it.”
“Sam-” Chad tries to talk but Sam cuts him off. “You are all a bunch of fucking pussies. He is killing himself Chad and we are all sitting here watching too scared to step in and upset him. It’s about damn time one of us stood up and I think you need to bite your tongue and let Cal at him.”
I am certain I will be shocked by this later, but right now I am still so fucking mad I don’t pause to argue the why’s of my frustration. If Noah needs a beat down I will beat him down, not some low life drug dealer.
“You suck.” Noah slurs and fails twice trying to get up before giving up and staying in a heap on the filthy floor.
“I suck?” I say and step around Sam and Chad until I am squatting in his face. “I suck huh?” I spit the words through gritted teeth before hauling him to his feet. The minute I let him go, he sways to the right and falls hitting the couch face first, and ugh, god only knows what the fuck is on that couch. “I suck but I am here standing on my own two feet Noah.” I haul his ass up again and watch as he falls just as gracefully as before.
This time when I haul him up I hold him still until his drugged eyes focus on me. “You fucking stand like a man!” I roar and let him go, watching and waiting to see him go down. He doesn’t, and I can see the glint of anger in his eyes and it is clearing the haze pissing him off.
“You watch it.” He slurs and stares me down. I laugh, full on belly laugh.
“Or what?” I say and push him softly, watching him fall and land on his ass. “What are you gonna do?” I say and stand over him purposely intimidating him. He is trying to focus long enough to get on his feet and fight me. We both know he will lose but I want him to have the fire to try me.
“Don’t push me Cal. You made your point ha-ha imp fucked up. Now knock it off.” He says and slowly stands on unstable legs.
“I haven’t even begun Noah. I have a whole lot that you need to hear, chances are I am gonna keep dropping you to your ass too, so I suggest you take a seat and suck it up."
“Dude don’t waste your time.” He says and rolls his head back in an annoying gesture that is meant to dismiss me. “Why the fuck can’t you guys just leave me alone and let me die or some shit?” He looks at me now and I can see in his eyes and hear in his voice that he genuinely doesn’t understand why we fight for him.
“Let you die? Are you fucking kidding me man? You are dead Noah. You look dead; act dead and fuck, you even smell dead. Problem is though that you’re not dead and you refuse to face that fact. She died man, it sucks but life has got to go fucking on or it was for nothing.”
I saw it before I even heard his tone. Saw the light that fired behind his green eyes just a split second before he reared back and punched me square in the jaw. “You dumb asshole- it was for nothing! There is no reason on this earth that I should be here when she was cut short. Not one, so do not preach to me about life going on because it fucking doesn’t Cal.”
“So, what? Stand back as life passes you by? It isn’t even passing you by Noah it is barreling through you at mock speed and destroying everything you care about. This isn’t just your life you are ruining. What about Carrie? What about that sister you bled for, starved for and stole for? What happens to her and Noelle when we find you dead with a filthy needle in your arm?” I am roaring so loud that my voice and my anger are drowning out the music thumping from the other side of the VIP door.
“Or another deal like tonight that goes terribly wrong and you get killed?” Chad says from beside me, now fully involved in this party and thank God he is. Shame and Noah may have their protective thing going and Sam may have years on all of us combined, but Chad was his brother in law and his closest confidant and he lived every fucking minute of this filthy fucked up reality as he watched Noah kill Carrie in his spiral.
“Because I don’t fucking care. You are all better off without me.” He says and looks to Shame for help and it is a deafening moment when Shame looks away. “She was what made me whole and that woman is gone and no matter how hard I fight this darkness, it is what it is, and she is fucking gone!” He yells in my face; spit flying as his bloodshot eyes stare me down.
“Yeah? Well she must be turning over in her grave seeing you like this.” I spit back. Before I could even take a breath, Noah was on me, strength back courtesy of the adrenaline in his system. We are now fully on one another, punches flying as I try to beat sense into him and he tries to shut me up. Sam Shame and Chad are breaking us up and Chad is holding me from behind with my arms looped through his when Tayla
is before me begging me to stop.
“Stop baby this is ridiculous.” She begs and tries to soothe me, but I am beyond it.
“No, I am fucking done.” I say and look beyond her shoulder, so I can see Noah. “Done! You son of a bitch! You want to die you do it alone because I no longer want to see it. I will mourn my friend and consider you dead the day Candey died because that is a hell of a lot easier to accept than this. You are out of the band; your wasted ass is a fucking liability anymore and I am fucking done writing excuses for you!”
“You don’t excuse shit Calvin!” He sneers and tries to break free of Sam and Shame. “You refuse to let anything go! I begged to not come back to TAT. I told you I needed simple for the time being, but you push and push!”
“No, you want us to pad your fucking landing Noah. You want to have every excuse to know you aren’t alone but refuse to let us in. It is a sad thing to watch you blow it all away and I am done with it. You are a fucking junkie! You want that filthy brown shit in your veins more than music or the blood that has loved you all your life. You want to stay frozen in time because you can’t fathom life without her and I know it’s why you use, but of all of us Candey would have dumped your ass in seconds flat if she knew you were shooting up. She wouldn’t let you waste away like this and I won’t either. You disgrace her and how deep she loved you by giving up, so from here out do it on your own!”
“Oh well hey, thanks for the pep talk dad!” He snarls and laughs with absolutely no humor.
“You want a pep talk?” I ask and this time I push Chad hard enough he lets me go. “You get in my Jeep right now without a moment’s pause and you let me take you to rehab. It’s that or I cut you off. I am that fucking done because next time no one will come save you after you get beat near to death!”
The room falls to an eerie silence when I finally shut up. Noah is staring me down like Jesus to a sinner and I can barely breathe. I refuse to hope he accepts I refuse to assume anyone in this room agrees with me and I refuse to watch it anymore.
