by Emjay Soren
I watch as Carrie kneels on the wet ground and clears her stone and pulls the overgrown grass from the edges. I see old flowers that have died and know that though I have refused to come here, she has not. And I know it is her because the flowers are night blooming jasmine and a single orchid. Sissy loves night blooming jasmine and the orchid is her flower from Chad.
"You come here a lot don't you?" I ask, my voice just above a whisper. The rain has stopped for now, but the trees are heavy with moisture and her grave is just beneath a large pine.
"I do. I come with Noelle and Chad. A few times with Cassa, but mostly Noelle and I."
I don't know why but it unhinges me knowing my niece and my sister come here for peace. "I haven't been here since her funeral." I admit. Carrie nods but doesn't seem shocked.
"I want Noelle to understand how important she was to us." She stands and places her hand on my arm. "I tell her stories about you and Candey. I tell her about us in school and as roommates. I tell her how Candey cried when she learned Chad and I had named her after you both. I need for her to understand how important her namesake is."
I look at her then because I know she means me as well.
"Both of you..." She says and looks back at her grave with a sadness I understand. "Both of you were the most important and influential people in my life at one point. The only people I trusted to be free with. She pushed me to trust her kicking and screaming. Candey True was and will always be my very best friend."
She was crying by the time she finished talking and I wonder how many times she cried here with Noelle while I sat at some dingy bar or in my house trying my best to forget her.
I walk to my sister, her back to me as she cries softly over the grave of my girl. I place my arms on her shoulders and turn her until she is pressed against my chest. "I am so sorry I haven't been here for you sissy." I feel my tears build in my eyes and here with her in this moment I am not ashamed of being seen.
"I had Chad bubba. I haven't been alone completely."
I nod, unable to form words. I let her cry and I comfort her and in a way, feel a part of my heart heal. "Thank God that pervert loves you." I say and feel her chuckle before pulling back to slap my chest.
"Oh he loves me. Often." She knows damn well I don't wanna know, I tell her as much.
"Shut the fuck up with that you freak." She laughs, wiping her eyes and asks what I know she is dying to ask.
"Why today?"
I stuff my hands in my pockets and let out a long breath. I guess to explain it I need to explain it. "I was content to die alone. I could fuck anyone because I have the ability to separate sex and emotion. Shit… I don’t know it's just different now."
"Bright." She confirms, and I don't deny it.
"The day she came into the studio. I was sitting looking at the mural of Candey and thinking how I missed her. In walked every hot chick I have ever seen in one smokin' body. She was the hottest thing to ever step foot in the PIT. There was an instant connection to her, this pull. I never felt it before. I wanted Candey, no denying it but I never felt that draw like I do to Bright."
I sigh knowing that where this is going next, might get me bitch slapped by my little sister. "That night at your house when she met me not Jer? I was such a dick sissy. I knew I wanted to fuck her and I also knew she would let me. I used it, manipulated it until I was reminded of pulling the same shit on Candey. In that moment I saw me fucking fangirls to hurt her. I saw fights and hurting her and knew then and there I would do anything to avoid hurting her. I manipulated her, insulted her." I shake my head and absently brush the rainwater from off the top of her headstone.
"I had no idea she was a sex addict. When I apologized she was willing to forgive me and help me after giving me some shit over it." I smile at the memory of how easily I can connect and relax with her, when I let myself. "Since the tour started, I have pushed her boundaries." I look at her, swallowing, delaying. Carrie can be scary when I piss her off. "I've all but fucked her."
I see her roll her head back in dramatic Carrie fashion, and look at me like the scum I was.
"Meaning…." Carrie asks and I can see her cringing. Knowing the truth will set me free, but most likely make her gag I can't help but laugh.
"I was always flirting with her, then getting offended when she would flirt back. I dry humped her, almost fucked her when GQ showed up and wouldn’t leave." She looks disgusted, and mildly pissed because I called her husband GQ. "It gets worse…"
I stall and avoid her eyes which I am sure are closed in raw fury. "After that big fight we had and she came to the show wearing the TAT shirt?" I see the recognition and continue. "I brought a fangirl back. Bright stood in the doorway watching me fuck her. Fuck, the entire time I was doing it, it was Bright I was talking to. I finally told the fangirl to leave. I couldn’t keep going knowing who I wanted was watching me. She denied me of course considering I had legit just been balls deep in a skank-"
Her hand went up as if to stop me from continuing. "Ohmygod I get it." She says cringing and ready to knock my lights out. "Noah, do you realize what you are doing to her restraint?"
I nod. "I know, but I also know that I want her for more than a night…" I look at her now and wait for her to pick up on what I am saying. "Like more than a night, feel me?"
She looks soft, and both happy and sad at my confession. "I feel you. You're here to say goodbye."
It isn't a question, but a truth. I nod again.
"I am proud of you bubba and this is okay. It is okay to heal and you can do it while still loving her and always keep her in your heart. Love again, the way she would want you to because that is truly honoring what you guys had."
"I don’t know if its love Carrie." I say feeling like the air has been sucked out of my lungs.
"That’s okay too, I only mean when it is love it is okay?"
She places her freezing cold hand on my cheek. "I am so cold it isn't funny and I feel like you need to take a minute with her." She turns my cheek until I am looking her in the eye. "I never got to tell you this so I will now. I'm sorry you lost her because I know how deeply you loved her. I'm sorry for being so angry over the last year and cutting Jenny down out of jealousy. I love you and I am so proud of you." She hugs me and I feel complete knowing that the storm and distance between us is gone.
I watch her walk to my car and sit behind the wheel starting it to get the heat going. I have no idea where her car is or if she Uber'ed her ass here. Either way I am glad she came.
I turn and almost instantly I am hit with the truth that this is goodbye.
And then the letters all pass through my head
With the words that I was told
About the fading flesh of life and love
The failures of the bold
I can list each crippling fear like I'm reading from a will
The airborne toxic event~Graveyard near the house
Chapter Thirteen
Noah
I think I stood there forever waiting for the words to come knowing they would when I was ready. I squat down to feel close to the stone that represents her.
"No shock how deep I miss you babe." I'm not really one for stating the obvious, but it's obvious and it's not. "Fuck, I fell apart when I lost you and now I am so tangled…" I feel my tears and wipe them away on the sleeve of my hoodie. "I don’t know how to keep living like this baby. You're engrained in me and I don’t know how to live and love again, and remain faithful to a ghost? I miss you so bad sometimes. I just want to come here because it's the closest I can get to you. There are nights I wanted to sleep here but I couldn’t face it…"
I stand and look up to the heavens much like my sister did. "Dammit, this wasn’t fair to me! I suffered enough for fucks sake. You were my reward for the hell I survived just like Chad was for Carrie!" I am yelling and I must look crazy to anyone who may be watching this, but I don’t care. "I haven't been faithful babe. I have fucked my way through America in the year you’ve been gone and now
I face something more than flesh and I don’t know how to get past the guilt and the hurt and the anger. Fuck the anger fuels me and keeps me in this cycle!"
I squat back down and hang my head, defeated by my own admissions. "I don’t know if I make sense. I don’t know if I am truly finding the right words. I don’t know if you hear me, or hate me or…" I choke on the last word, fighting to say what I fear most. "Or blame me…" I say it on a sob and can't hold back the sorrow. "I blame myself. I hate myself for not being stronger. I knew better baby... I knew better than to pull over on that stretch of highway. I tried to save you, I would gladly give my life to save yours and I couldn’t." I am gutted at my confession and that I know I believe it. I clear my throat and try to hide the sorrow that is so profound it is hard to breathe. There is a purpose here and begging for a second chance or wishing for a different outcome does me no good.
I cry silently for long moments, digging for the strength to tell her goodbye. " I met someone..." I let that truth settle and it's almost like I am waiting on her response. "I know it sounds so fucked up, but you would love her. I think that you would be proud of my choice. None of my choices have been good up until about six months ago. Cal and me had a huge fight that changed my way of living. He told me…" I feel my tears spill over and there's such intense pressure in my chest and I choke on my sob. "He told me you would turn in your grave, and he was right baby. I fell so hard into my addiction, it was that one thing that forced my change.
"Because of that change, I need to let you go." Saying those words, broke a part of me I don’t think will ever be mended. Maybe it's the part I give her in this goodbye or maybe it will forever stay broken and with me to remind me that I loved once.
"Fuck this sucks so bad and it doesn’t get easier…" I fall to my knees and rest my hands between my legs and cry for long moments. I hate tears and weakness, lately I have been so weak, but here I am not ashamed of my tears. She deserves my truth and I won't rob her of it. "I don’t know if it will ever get easier or if I just have to push through it… but I have to push through babe! I need to live and try to live right. I keep hurting the woman who wants to help me heal. I gave you my heart and now it's not in my possession and I can't move on without it."
I don’t know why I expect a response, it may be my need to let the guilt go or maybe my need to hold on to it. Either way doesn’t matter because I need to let go and this is the only way I know how. "There is no doubt babe, none, that you stole my heart the night we met and you protected it . You gave me yours and never once regretted it. I will always have your heart Candey. There won't be a day that I won't think of you or miss you. I will never know what would have come of us other than I would have loved you regardless. I will always keep you with me baby and I will love her in honor of you. I can't give her my whole heart, a part died with you in my arms. I can give her what's left, and plan too, but first I want to tell you…"
I hear a shift behind me and startle. Carrie, Chad and Shame are standing there, arms folded and head bowed. A sob so loud and heart wrenching tears from me at the sight of their unyielding support. I haven't cried like this since the first few days in the hospital as I tried wrapping my head around the change my life took. I cry for similar reasons today. I squeeze my fingers over the bridge of my nose trying to slow the flow of my tears.
"I… oh fuck, I need to tell you thank you for loving me. I had no right to chase you and win you, but I didn't care because I wanted you. Fuck… so much." I cover my mouth to stifle the sound of my sobs and feel them surround me, giving me their strength. "You made me a better man and I swear to God I won't let you down baby. I won't toy with her to prove a point like I did with you. I won't fuck around on her and I am done chasing a high…" I pause because my next thought… my next thought is my biggest regret. "I swear I won't risk her life.." I suffer to get my words out through my sorrow. I won't risk her life for a fast fuck on the side of the road…" I break apart and wail in regret at that fucking dumb ass mistake.
"I'm so sorry baby. So fucking sorry I didn't wait like I knew I should have…" My words stop there because I am raw and bleeding my pain and I have said what I needed to say. Sorry doesn’t mean shit unless you had a way to show it. I swore I would do right by Bright in memory of how fierce I loved Candey. I had to show it by doing right this second time around.
"I will never forget you, I will honor the love you gave me. I will tell Noelle about you, and Axe and any other rugrats these misfits bring along the way… I will love her in honor of you baby. As I love you…" I shut my eyes tight as more tears fall. "I will always love you and I need you to be at peace and know that I am finally at peace."
It was so silent for the few moments after I let her go and I felt a shift in my chest and in my mind, telling me that what I came to do had been done. I could feel a warmth surround me and my flesh went bumpy at the feeling of comfort, telling me that she was indeed at peace.
It only forced more tears and I pulled in Carrie, Chad and Shame to help hold me up. I had rarely sought comfort for fear of being weak. This was strength though, and that embrace gave me more to get through.
Shame took one of my hands and then one of Carries, who then took one of Chad's and in turn he completed the circle by grasping my remaining hand. "We say goodbye to our friend Candey and may her soul forever live within us all. In Jesus name we pray, Amen."
Cause girl I gotta thing for you.
And I know it's kinda crazy,
Cause I know that you have someone else,
Wondering where you were last night.
But oh yeah now, don't think we're through,
I gotta thing for you
Hinder~ Thing for you
Chapter Fourteen
Bright
I watched as Carrie, Chad and Shame left to follow Noah. Carrie said she knew where he was going and that he wasn't doing it alone. Chad flipped out and told her she wasn't going without him, and that told Shame he had to go to. From what I had gathered in the five minutes after I walked back inside, was that Shame was the only person in this mix that could calm Noah.
I hated this feeling in my chest. I hated that he was pushing me away. This was the first time I could have actually been there for him and instead he pushed me as far away as possible. I have no clue where he went, or why he felt the need to get away.
I blame Tayla, for supporting Hessian Aggression instead of her friend.
I blame me for pushing him every time he wanted to hide.
I blame him for letting it all implode on him.
I replay those last few moments alone before he left when I begged him to stop and he refused to let me comfort him. Refused to let anyone comfort him.
I wanted to tell Carrie to please let me come, but had a feeling it was personal. We are in Washington and I assume he went home.
"It's been six hours Carrie!" Tayla yelled into the phone. Cal storming out of Noah's room behind her.
"You are in the wrong here Tayla! I am sick of you being all business all the fucking time!" Cal says and takes her phone from her hand and put it to his ear. "Care, she'll talk to you tomorrow, take care of my boy." He looked at his girlfriend then with disgust. "Tayla would say the same thing if she remembered who the fuck Noah is!" He turned the phone over to Tayla after ending the call.
"I don't know what happened the last four or so months babe, but you better reel it in and remember that sometimes you aren't the manager, sometimes you're his friend."
"Cal-" she cries and I feel like an intruder on the set of Days of Our Lives, but keep watching, hanging on every word because I am sick of not knowing what's going on.
"No Tay." He shakes his head and makes a call, pinning her in place with his stare. "George, can you bring Axe to Noah's bus in my jeep, we are going home for the night." He hangs up and looks to Tay. "I love you, more than you can imagine, but I am disgusted in your behavior, disappointed in your lack of judgment and I need you to look at this shit with your eyes not
Hessians."
He looks to me, effectively shutting her up. "Bright, you’ve done a hell of a job doll. Don't doubt that." He squats in front of me. "I agree with you earlier, some things don't need to be so extreme to get a reaction. You have busted your ass here, we all see it even my psycho girlfriend over here shooting daggers at the back of my head." He turns and catches Tay's glare. "Noah is doing better than they all give him credit for. They are scared and though I get it, they're all idiots. He has always been dark, brooding, serious and sarcastic. He teases endlessly and loves the same."
He stands and pats my head, clearly not comfortable with emotional deep shit because he legit patted my head like I was four. "Good talk." He says and turns to Tay. "I am going to meet them in Gig. Cassa is coming to be with Bright, you better go find your heart and soul baby."
With that he left and T fell apart.
I didn't know what to do. If it was Cassa or Carrie, I would, but I don't know Tay other than the hard ass she is. Cassa walked in, thank God. "Holy fuck what did I miss?" She says and sets a stack of glorious, beautiful, antique back issues of Vogue.
I try to hide my excitement and focus on the issue at hand. Tay can't talk through her tears so I look to Cass and let it all roll out.
"Well, after Carrie, Chad and Shame left to find Noah, Cal and Tay stayed back in Noah's room, until about thirty minutes ago." I look to Tay, because I don't want to repeat the mean, yet kind of true things he said to Tayla. "They argued over Noah's best interest and he left to go to Gig with everyone else tonight and told her to stay here and think."
"That's a watered down version Bright, but thank you for putting it mildly."Tay said and wipes her tears, looking to Cassa. "He told me I am a bad friend, that he is disgusted by my behavior as well as disappointed." She cries harder and looks to us both. "That's so much worse too."
No lie, it totally was.
"He left me here to find my heart and my soul." She cried harder and Cassa and I both hugged her.
