by Emjay Soren
"Give me the gum. You’ll drive me crazy."
She sticks her tongue out at me and plops the gum in my hand and I throw it away. "So anyway? What's the idea?" She says, stops short when she sees the fluorescent Red Fender Strat. "New toy? Spoiled much?" She winks and I know she is kidding. She is not the type to get jealous or judge. Lexington is unique in every way. I think with the right guidance she will take this industry by storm and not let it change her like it did me.
I go over and lift it up and grab the case it was perched on. "This is actually for you." I say and hope she says thanks and leaves it at that.
No such luck though when she started screaming and jumping up and down before grabbing me and hugging me. "Holy shit Calvin! Are you serious?" She squeals in my ear and I do my best to be humbled by her emotion, and I am. I just...ugh girls and screaming fits.
"Yes, serious." I say and smile at her toothy grin. "I have another case for the blue one you rebuilt as well." She looks at me like I am crazy to suggest keeping it. "You never throw a guitar away, especially your first. Sometimes there can be no hope and the guitar take’s a shit. Even then tossing it is questionable."
I pick up her old guitar and toy with the strings and make it squeal on a random riff. "See, still a worthy toy and ten years from now you will look at it with the love you do a kid."
Jen walks in and starts yelling over the riff as I keep playing with the dumpster guitar. I stop and look at her, scared I am about to get in trouble but no clue why. "Hey, sound proof. I'm studying."
She smiles sweetly and it dawns on me the door was open so the sound will filter and carry through the house, even to the office. I set it down and nod.
"Sorry Red. My bad."
She smiles sweet again and looks at Lex's guitar. "Did you die? I was sure that was you screaming?"
"Holy shit yes!" She says and laughs again as she claps her hands. "So, didn’t expect that. Sorry I screamed." She says and Jen shrugs.
"I knew about it so I was prepared for some form of outburst once he did it."
"Well, I swear I will not scream anymore unless the door is closed." She says and I stand and head to the door because chit chat and celebration is killing time and I am in work mode and I hear I am a dick when I am serious. I try to go for polite and focus.
"Which is now because we have work and a lot of it. And you," I say and pull her in for a sweet, too fast kiss. "Need to study whatever brander, piercer, dermal chicks do."
She rolls her eyes and looks over the side of my shoulder. "Have fun with worker bee here. He will drive you crazy, probably offend you and most likely make you want to quit. rest assured the minute he leaves the room, he will be good old Calvin again." She looks back at me and sticks her tongue out as she says Calvin.
"Out, you shit." I say and nudge her out the door before closing the door and setting the lock.
I sit back at the switchboard and catch her staring at me like I have some big secret. "What?" I ask and seriously, I got shit to go over not gossip.
"You two seem...different. I don’t know, at peace maybe?"
I recall my ignorant comment last week when we played for the guys and they laughed that she called me Calvin. Admittedly it isn’t my favorite choice, but the name CD made it sound divine in comparison. "We are at somewhat of an impasse and hashing shit out."
"Together?" She asks and with this, unbeknownst to her, is part of the work so I allow the questions.
I nod and look at her. "We have a history that is equal parts dreamy and nightmare. Over a decade of sweet and cruel. That's what we gotta hash out."
"Do you love her?"
I nod yes. "I won’t tell her that though. I won’t tell anyone that, not even my closest friends." Shit terrifies me.
"Why? Love is spectacular and all-encompassing and by the way she looks at you the feelings are mutual." She pics at the new guitar and it softens my nerves knowing I gave her something special. She was about to pay it back too.
"Look, this is actually part of my idea. Like I said, lyrics? Not my thing. Neither is wearing my emotions on my shoulders, but what I need to hash out needs to be done in a way I expose everything and maintain my dignity."
She just watches me, intrigued as she taps her finger to the beats she made that play softly. She reaches for her notebook and starts writing? Notes maybe.
So... I tell her about the journals. The rape. The years I used her. Hurt her. I tell her about how it all started in a closet for seven minutes. I tell her about Tayla and Black, how I found out. I tell her about Axe and how Jen came back stronger and carried us through hell. I tell her how Tayla abandoned us both. I tell her how deep I went inside of myself to win Tayla over. I tell her it is why I can’t do it again.
We spend hours as I hash all my shit to this girl and by the time I have spilled all of it to her, she looks pale, pissed and sad.
Pretty much my function lately.
"Wow." Is all she says, and I get it.
"I know right?"
"Well..." She makes a huge sigh and looks at me with pity. So not awesome. "You want to use it I assume?"
I nod and scrub my face. "There’s so much in here." I say and rub my chest over my heart. "I can’t get it out though. I want to use it and blow her and everyone away. Is it possible you can help me do that in a few of the songs?"
"Like, me write the lyrics based on what you told me?"
"Exactly."
"No. Those are your feelings and experiences Calvin. I can feel it through your story, but to write it I would need your presence in it, to make it real. I can’t see you being able to open yourself raw like that." She places her hand on mine in comfort. "That’s what it would take. What you’re asking is a raw, bloody painful process."
I nod and look at my guitar. "Hand me my guitar and let me show you." I say as I adjust my guitar. I strum a few chords until I find the sound that uproots that pain...and I play and tell my story again. I don’t rhyme or make it eloquent, but the pain is heard in the things I say.
'They destroyed her... oh fuck they hurt her, tried to ruin her...'
'Tay left us empty to clean the mess of something I had no clue how, then Jen... Red came in and saved me, saved our son.'
She places her hand on my strings to stop me. "I get it, I hear the sound and what inspires it."
"So, help me." I say and to me it is that simple.
She looks at me, pondering something... Maybe if she can pull it off...Maybe if I can. "If we do this, I expect the raw shit Calvin. I don’t care if you cry or scream or punch shit. Move a boxing ring in here if you have to, but those emotions and those moments of intense grief is where the magic lies. Anything less is horseshit and even if the song works, we both will know it meant nothing."
"I am ready for it. It is hard, extremely hard to go through the shit inside of me with anyone, but for this I will do it. For her...this is my journal."
Cal
We worked for ten hours before finally stopping. The studio was full of to go food containers, soda and beer cans as well as thrown out paper everywhere. By the time we found the beat and settle on the emotion she pulled no punches.
"Is this about your ex killing you slowly or is it about some movie you watched Calvin? Go there! Feel it!" She demanded, and so again I would start and rehash shit I have buried. Dredge it up to the surface and exploit my heart for the sake of art.
I was a Cal I have never been. Not even at my lowest. I brought the worst, most painful things to the surface and kept them there to easily poke the wound.
By the time we had the first song mapped out and ready to practice it and record... I was a mess, but a cleansing happened in it. A healing. It was powerful way to process and as I re-read the lyrics and feel it in the music... it brings me peace.
I suddenly have a new understanding for music when I thought I knew everything. In the past, most of the personal and soul gutting lyrics are written by the guy feeling it in private. I had to display mine to
get it clear. By the end of the track though, I was able to swap some lines and flip some words for a bigger impact.
"So, we will meet tomorrow?" I ask and throw shit in the trash.
She nods on a yawn. "I usually write before bed, but I think I am going to crash the minute I see my bed tonight."
I nod knowing how she feels. "Are you doing Uber or the bus?"
"Uber." She says and loads her gear up the stairs as I follow with her new guitar. She isn’t taking an Uber with a fucking Fender Strat. Nope.
Once up the stairs I yell to Jen in the office. "Red? Can you come here will quick?"
I see the plate of broiled chicken, corn and wild rice sitting on the counter with a cover and the domesticated Jen is just as hot as the vixen. Little shit like this means the world to me.
"Done finally?" She asks as she takes a seat at the counter.
"For tonight." I say and stretch my back as I pick at the dinner. "Thanks for this babe."
I say it offhandedly, but saw the devotion for me in her eyes as I said it. "Sure, I know you get hungry after working long." She shrugs and looks at Lex. "I can make you a plate?"
She stands to get Lexington a plate, but Lex stops her. "I am full from the take out earlier, but thank you." She looks at her phone and back to us smiling. "My Uber is here. See ya tomorrow."
"Nope." I say and hand Jen my wallet as I inhale the food. "Can you go pay the driver for his time? There’s a twenty in there, give him that."
I look at Lex as she tries to argue. "I just got you a ten-thousand-dollar guitar. It isn’t going in a fucking Uber Lex."
"You can’t keep chauffeuring me either Calvin." She says and looks at me annoyed. "I aint the type to take handouts."
I look at Jen and smirk, because she is the same way. "He won’t stop until you agree. He is bossy like that." Jen says and winks at me as she walks out to pay the driver.
"Look, I will find rides and stuff." She says and I keep eating, not caring about her argument. "Uber is safe."
I shake my head no. "Here is the thing. There will be times where you'll leave here at one or two in the morning. Today was an early day in comparison. This is long drawn out and always constant work. It isn’t a schedule, Lex. It is go until you can’t. Then wake up and do it again, harder."
"And Uber is a twenty-four-seven thing duh."
"You are showing your age. Duh." I say and she laughs.
"You are showing yours by the lame comment."
I laugh at that and set the plate in the dishwasher after I rinse it. "Look..." I pause when Jen comes in and sits again. I feel better with her here when I offer what I am about to. Jen is an independent, stubborn, headstrong female. She also caves to me as well as Noah when we have a valid point. "What if I got you a car?"
She immediately flips out and starts talking over me and Jen spits out her water, choking from my offer.
"Stop! Fuck!" I yell and they both flinch. I rub Jens back as she catches her breath and look at Lex. "I aint talking a fucking Bugatti for Christs Sake. Something used, good miles and stable. Something in the few grand range. Once the album sells, which it will, pay me back and use whatever car as a trade in on a better one. A loan." I look at Jen who seems to have her breath back. "Not an Escalade." I say and it is kind of a dig at Noah gifting it to her when her reliant gave out.
I don’t know why I am bothered by it now, when I never have been before.
"I ..." Lexington stutters and I am grateful for the distraction considering I am sure I pissed Jen off saying it.
Fuck!
"That's a yes." I state and see little man come into the kitchen. I look at the clock and see its almost midnight. 'What's up pal?' I ask in ASL.
'Thirsty dad.' He signs and pulls the stool to the sink and fills his glass. I look at Jen as we both watch a small, unimportant task, but equally see him as a big boy not a baby. He goes to Jen and kisses her goodnight then to Lex and signs 'good seeing you' to Lex.
"He says good seeing you." Jen tells her and Lex stumps us both by signing back to him.
'Hi Axe.' Then she points at him and holds up to fingers. "You too." She says.
He lights up and hugs her, grateful she spoke to him in his language.
I get no hug or kiss but a 'night dad' before he heads to the stairs. I think he was more in awe of Lex and like all boys when in the presence of pretty girls, we do not kiss or hug our dad.
That kid is so my kid.
I laugh to myself and shake my head, Lex and Jen both looking at me. I say nothing, as is man code and look to Lex. "Did you learn that for him?"
"Yeah I watched a video on the alphabet and wanted to say hi to him. I wasn’t sure if he could do it alphabetically or not."
I nod and Jen talks. "We spell a lot and use common phrases as well. He only understands small or familiar words alphabetically, but that was perfect. We spell out Axe so we don’t use the sign for the tool."
"That was nice of you. You made his night, I guarantee it." I say, knowing damn well my boy has a crush.
"I can take Lex home if you want?" Jen says and looks between us. Then signs to me like a secret language. 'You are too aggressive with the car. She doesn’t know you very well to know you mean well.'
I roll my eyes. "Fine whatever." I say and look to Lex. "She was bitching at me, not you." I say and kiss Jen, teasing her.
"I was." She says and shrugs and I laugh, smacking her ass.
"Tomorrow, come around nine we will go find a car." I say and look to Jen. "It's happening, aggressive or not."
I don’t stay to listen to the bitching and walk out the kitchen. "Bye Lex, see ya tomorrow. Red, I will see you soon."
Jen
Cal was asleep, TV on some sports show when I got back and I stand in his doorway watching him like a fucking psycho. I tiptoe in and tug his big toe to wake him. He doesn’t budge so I go to his side of the bed and nudge his shoulder.
Suddenly his arms are around me and he smothers me to his chest rolling us both and scaring the piss out of me. "You gave me a heart attack." I laugh and open for him and the kiss he delivers.
Just as my skin starts to ignite he pulls back and brushes the hair from my face. "Did you get her to agree?"
I knew he would ask and he is such a good man, but goes about it all wrong. "Yes, I did, she reluctantly agreed. You can’t demand with her like you can with everyone else. She is young and scared of what you offer because she is poor Cal. My kind of poor. A future of success and money and dreams coming true is a far-fetched idea in her reality. Don’t overwhelm her."
He pulls back and perches up on his elbow, still on his side facing me. "Well, I know a thing or two about this industry and what we are bringing to the table will sell. She needs to have big dreams and hopes or she will fail no matter how talented she is. She needs to believe it and be hungry for it. I go buy a small reliable car, she will fight on hands and knees to pay it back. That's what I need from her."
"How do you know? What if she is too scared?" I ask and cup his chin to look at me. I get floored seeing him like this. Close and beside me... That was my dream and it scares me to death feeling his touch or kiss. I am hungry to keep him knowing it will kill me if I can’t keep him.
"Because she reminds me of you, her defiant spirit and independence. You would play until you bled before you stopped and you would pay it back."
I am honored he sees me that way, strong like that. It made me smile and he took it as a win, the shit. "You’re changing her life Cal."
He nods and kisses me, slow and lazy like. "She's changing mine too."
I place my finger on his lips and look at him. "How so?"
I can’t hide the fear there is more than friendship between them even though I know it is ludicrous. Too many years of seeing him with too many women. "I wrote a song tonight. I don’t know..." He fights for the words and it amazes me that this man is amazed. "I don’t know if it’s because she is a woman and so it’s easier to let the emotions guide m
e or if she is really a muse and it’s been in me forever."
"Wait. You wrote the lyrics?" I ask, mind blown as it has always been his Achilles heel.
He nods in wonderment. "About you Red." He kisses me again and I melt knowing I inspired him.
"Oh?"
He nods and nuzzles against my neck and I see he is hard through his basketball shorts. "Lex pulled them from me, placed em’ where they belong. I provided input, but she wrote them and we built it from there. Together."
He sits up now all excited and I have awoken the beast. "She is so talented. Noah will shit when he reads this shit and learns I helped. I mean, I can throw lines in or change some of the verbiage up with the guys, but I have never done anything like I did today."
I rub his back, feeling excited in his presence because it’s contagious. "You look so much like Axe right now." I say, seeing his big toothy grin and his eyes dance in happiness. Genuine and true.
"Well, that is a compliment. That kid is one good lookin’ boy." He rolls until I am fully under him and all of him invades my heart and mind. I stroke along his beard, down his neck to his shoulder. The touch encourages him and he kisses me as he lifts one of my legs under the knee, up high on his hip and thrusts himself against me.
"Wanna play?" He asks me and rubs his hand up and around my ass, then back down my thigh. Again, and again as he thrusts his hips.
"I could be persuaded." I say and lift his shirt up over his head, stroking my nails down his abs. I swear to God; his obsessive side benefits him. His dedication to fitness has made him salivatingly hot. Every ridge of every muscle defined.
"How can I persuade you firefly?" He asks and reaches between us, adjusting his cock so it rubs against my clit through my cotton Capri pants.
"Hmmm?" I think aloud then moan as he strokes me. "Tell me something sweet." I say and let him lift my shirt. I wasn’t wearing a bra, so the surprise was appreciated.
Devouring my chest, I figured he had forgot what I said and I was okay to let him forget because his touch thrilled me. But when he spoke, what he said? Floored me.
