by Emjay Soren
He looked sad, like I had broken some vision of me being perfect. It sucked but he was falling for an illusion of me and he needed the true vision. I was so fucked up.
So, fucked up.
“I have made myself clear Carrie. In the last thirty-six hours I kissed you for the first time, touched you for the first time, been mad at you for the first time, confessed my fucking love for you and learned you were abused so give me some credit here!”
My hand on the door I looked at him just as pissed off as he was. “Abused? Oh, baby not even close. That is too friendly a word. I was raped Chad, not once, not a dozen times but fucking thousands of times!” I opened the door after yelling that little bomb, but he grabbed my arm.
“Stop it!”
“No!”
“God … for the love of God… Stop, please Carrie.” It was a plea and hearing him like that turned my stomach with guilt. I was pushing him, and I hated that I was doing it. “Please don’t do this. Don’t end this on a bad note because you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared Chad. I’m right.” He shook his head no and we were stuck at an impasse.
“Carrie listen, I have been with a lot of women. I have tied them, gagged them spanked them if they asked. Most of them are into that shit because of some man done wrong; maybe not to your extreme but wronged just the same. Just because you liked me being controlling doesn’t mean you want me controlling your life baby. It just means you like me controlling that sexy little body of yours.”
He was calm and gentle, and I could see the love in his eyes, and I wanted to tell him to stop! Don’t waste your love one me. I was greedy though and I needed his love like a dying man needs breath. “Maybe but we are a long way from me accepting it.” I opened the door and he caught my hand before I fully jumped down. I was leaning into his truck now with just our fingers laced.
“I’ll get you there baby.”
I nod and he smiles. I know we are ok for now and I will take it like the greedy fool I am. “I’ll call you when I’m on my way back over. I have a few things to sort out before gramps gets home.” I nod and shut the door. He hasn’t left yet, and I know he won’t until he sees me in the house safe.
He needed to run his errands and I felt bad for making him bring me home tonight, forcing him to run his errands now so that Harvey was set, and Chad could come back and stay with me. I wish I could have stayed but I need Noah right now. I am on a ledge about to fall into that awful darkness and he is the only person who has ever been able to get me out of the dark. Noah would rip me out and fight at my side until I saw the light. He would never leave me here alone and scared.
*
“Noah?” I yelled scared to death he would be high in the bathroom. I slowly made my way to the stairs but saw him sitting at the table with a bottle of Skyy Vodka in front of him. “Bubba?” I asked in case he had drunkenly passed out. I needed to see his face to know if he was ok.
He must have just cracked the bottle because he looked like himself. “Hey what’s up?”
“Why didn’t you answer?” I asked and took a seat at the table beside him, playing with the thin black hair tie I had kept on my wrist all day.
He set his cell phone down and poured a shot. “Reading a message from Candy.” He sounded sad and suddenly my sexual hang ups seemed less important. Had I been anyone else it would be weird to talk to my brother about most the shit we talked about. Considering we ran out of hell hand in hand it made sense that he be my safe place. Only thing wrong now was that Chad wanted to be my safe place too.
I placed my hand on his wrist to get his attention. “You guys ok?”
He shook his head no and sighed, pouring another shot. My brother is a beautiful man, his blonde hair messy in the most perfect way. His blue eyes always full of excitement and a smile that had made the girls swoon, even when his lips were swollen and cracked from dads’ punishments, Noah knew how to shine, and he did it often. “Probably not.” He looked at me then and I could see the absolute sadness he was trying to hide. Fool, he knew I could read him. “I fucked up Sissy.”
He sounded hellish and that scared me. Noah had been through enough in his life that not much got him down. I knew he was hurting which meant Cans was too, but I found his broken heart endearing.
“Tell me.” I say and don’t push because I know he will. He hands me his phone and directs me to the messages.
Noah’s message was first.
Talked to Carrie did ya?
And???
Why not talk to me?
You were clearly busy
Not if I knew what you felt… I didn’t know…
How was I not clear enough?
I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU AND YOU SENT ME AN LOL!!!!!!!!
I look to Noah then and I can’t believe it. “You love her too?” I ask completely floored by the events of the last two days.
“Keep reading it gets worse.” He slams another shot as I read on.
Well that’s what happens when you tell a girl you love her over a fucking text message!
“I said I was sorry, and she told me to fuck off!” Noah defends himself because apparently, I am too slow a reader. “So, I buried myself in every fucking girl I could over the last three weeks trying to forget her. Then yesterday I sent her a message telling her to meet me at the show if she wanted to talk. She showed I thought we were cool.”
Knowing he was beyond me reading his messages at this point I set his phone down. “So, what happened between then and now?” I hadn’t talked to Candy today and wondered if this all just exploded before I walked in.
“Right after you and Chad cheesed us all out with that dare me bullshit, I asked her to ride with me to the party. She said she wanted thinking time so she would catch a ride there.” He looks at me then with pleading eyes and I know he fucked up something by the look he is giving me. “I didn’t know she was planning a special night. I texted her after I waited forever, and she said she was busy, and she would call me later if she had the time to show up.” He is shaking his head no and I get annoyed when he goes all ADHD on me.
“Focus Noah.” I say calm as I can.
“I was mad as hell that she was blowing me off again. So, I grabbed some chick that had been after my dick for over a year. Candy walked in right after I went down on the chick and I didn’t know she was there until you told me.” He poured another shot and slams it back. I take the bottle of Skyy and move it to my side because he is done with the shots and the bombing.
“What happened after you sent the last message?” I ask and I don’t even know if he knows. He hands me his phone after thumbing through it and grimaces when he finds what he was looking for. It’s another text, the final text from Candy.
Look outside by the bay.
I take his phone with me and go to look toward the bay and my jaw drops when I see what Candy did for my smelly ass faced brother. Candy had something in common with Noah that very few people knew from home. She was a hell of an artist it was her passion. She had taken the ‘I love you message’ from my brother and painted the screen of his phone. One line read their messages from the’ I love you’ to her response that never came. She called it ‘I should have told you…’ and her message was clear, she loved him too. The painting was spectacularly Noah. It was basic and artsy and to the point still holding an abundance of depth. It was personal and made for him.
I stepped outside and drew in close to get a good look at the gift she gave him. Beneath her ‘I should have told you love you too’ response was a p.s message that broke my heart.
Ps I’m sure glad I didn’t.
Suddenly my fears with Chad were weak at best.
“What do I do Sissy?” He asks and Noah is the one with answers, I’m the weak one; but I know my brother and I know my bestie.
“I sat with her last night Noah, for a while and I had no Idea she did this. I know she is hurting and until last night I didn’t know she loved you or that you were even close to such a tender e
motion. Honestly, I need to process this because I didn’t see it coming.” I look back outside to the painting and decide to go and bring it in because rain is near constant and I wasn’t going to ruin her message. Noah needed to see his fuck up loud and clear.
“I do love her, and I know I fucked up and ruined it, but I swear all I wanted was to ease that burn.” I knew what he meant and nodded.
Didn’t make it right.
He scrubs his face with his hands and takes a deep breath. “What about you? How was the Pier with God’s gift to women?” I know he’s joking but it hits close to home after his ‘I could be with any woman’ comment.
He sees me shudder at his joke and stops smiling. “It was a joke Sissy.”
I sigh now and pour my own shot of Vodka. I decided that filtering through this conversation was not going to work. Taking Chad’s gentleness, I blurt it out. “I slept with Chad tonight!”
His jaw drops and even though I know he knew it would happen; he can’t hide the shock at my confession. So, I kept going.
“Three times!”
I lift the shot and slam it back gagging as the bitter burn hits my tongue. So fucking gross.
Noah says nothing but looks at me like he is contemplating his next words. “You ok?” He asks me quietly and I feel my tears burning. I nod and the tears fall and so does my face into my hands.
Noah slams his hand against the wood of the table and roars a curse. Standing the chair, he was in slams against the wall as he starts pacing the room. “Are you lying? Because you look pretty fucked up right now!”
His hands are shaking, and he is so angry that if Chad shows up now before I can explain he will kill him. “Noah calm down Chad didn’t upset me, I upset myself.”
He looks at me then and I can see that he calms dramatically. He can handle me in my own head. “How? Tell me what happened Sissy.” He draws his brows in and says what in our world means no secrets. “Trust me, c’mon.”
“I think I am like some weird submissive chick or something Noah.”
The look he gives me is priceless and I almost laugh. “What?”
I run my fingers through my hair and knowing it’s my nervous habit I pull it up in a messy knot on top of my head and groan in complete defeat. “I can’t tell you without being somewhat graphic Noah so make sure you can handle hearing it and know that you are never going to tell Chad?”
He cringes and I know he isn’t looking forward to what I am going to tell him. He is so stupid to think I meant that kind of graphic. “Not like that Noah, Jesus.”
He shrugs and sits down leaning over me to grab the bottle he gives me a look that says don’t even think of taking this from me.
I wouldn’t. “Me too please.” I say and open the bottle as he gets another shot glass. We both shoot our Vodka and then I find the liquid courage and unleash. I tell him everything, about how he restrained me, how I liked what he said. That the fear wasn’t there.
“That doesn’t make you a submissive Carrie. You like rowdy sex its fine.” Then he shrugs like what I just told him was that it might rain.
Was it really that simple? “You don’t find it odd, that after everything I did with dad…”
“Stop!” Noah snaps and I flinch. “You didn’t have a choice with him Carrie, and he is a sick fucking twisted psychopath. He honestly believed that he was making love to you, that he was sharing something beautiful with you. He kicked my ass because he knew I was stopping his brainwashing with trust me. There is no way that I would have ever thought you were some desperate sub looking for punishment.”
“What if that’s what Chad wants?” There it was my fear that I would never amount.
Noah laughs. “Carrie, Chad is a freak like the rest of the men in the world. I have been in the room playing Call of Duty while he gets laid. We all know how Chad is.”
I am beet red listening to Noah. I am not shy or embarrassed by his admission but fucking furious. “I swear to God if he thinks I’ll fuck him any place any time then you were right, I am nowhere near ready for Chad.”’
He takes my hand in his and smiles. “Sissy I was wrong. You are perfect for Chad. I just can’t stand the thought of knowing what he does to women being done to you.”
“He says he loves me and that he has for some time now?” I ask it as a question wanting Noah to confirm or deny.
He nods. “He does baby girl. You’re it for him. We’ve all known forever, and he always said if he ever got the chance to be with you, he would do anything to keep it locked down and sealed tight so he never lost you. I was terrified that his style of…sex… would freak you out and break you. Turns out that he is exactly what you need.”
“What do I need?”
“You need the complete fucking opposite of Cody Becket!” He slams another shot after snarling our fathers name. Noah would rather kill himself then ever hurt another human being unless it was in my defense. Cody Becket was the exception to that rule. Noah would kill him, will kill him if he ever comes near us again. He has never denied the truth of that promise.
“You think it’s okay for me to like that sort of thing? Restrained and hard? It scares me that I like it and scares me when I think of every time I was restrained.”
Noah falls to his knees before me and cups my face in his hands forcing me to look at him. “Don’t you let him win Carrie. We win remember. He can’t have the gift you gave Chad; he can’t touch Chad’s love for you. We win sissy!”
I know he is right, and I wish he would take his own advice. “I think you need to try a few styles with Chad, tell him a little about Cody and let him in so he knows what’s too far.”
“I can’t believe you’re being so grown up about this.” I say and kiss his cheek before hugging him close.
“Carrie I’ll do anything to keep you safe. Telling Chad about him is going to keep you from ever being scared in the moment. I don’t see Chad going away Carrie and that means you need to let him in.” He pulls back from me and stands. “You know I have been asked by girls to call them whores or to spank them and because of my past I can’t do it. I’m pretty sure I’m a bore in bed.” He laughs but I know he thinks low of himself.
“What song are you right now?” I ask and it’s how we talk in code. Noah and I are fucked up and we live in our own language, but it works for us. Asking what song, he is will tell me where his heart is.
“Easy. And strangely it’s not an Alice song. Hinder’s ‘Better than me’.” I want to cry because ‘Better than me’ is sad and angry. “You?”
“You know I’m a bit of a freak tonight. I have to go with a little ‘Burnin it down.” He cringes and I don’t know what part offends him more, the singer being his polar opposite or the fact the song is entirely about sex…anywhere.
“Call Candy, tell her to meet you somewhere and tell her in person that you love her.”
Noah just laughs and before he can answer the doorbell rings and he leaves to get it. “Lover boy is at the door!” Noah yells from the living room and I hear them both laughing, and I love the sound. I walk to the arched entryway separating the kitchen from the living room. My eyes find him instantly and I soak him in wanting him again. “Hey Beautiful.” He says and winks at me. He has a duffle bag with him, and I watch Noah as he stares at it like the plague.
“Moving in?” Noah asks and locks the door behind Chad and follows him to the kitchen. Chad wraps his arms around me immediately and sighs when I hug him back. I hate knowing I scared him enough to feel relief when I embrace him. He kisses my temple and whispers, “feeling better baby?”
I nod and take his hand in mine wanting to head to the boathouse now. “Hey?” Noah says from beside us annoyed that we are ignoring him. “Answer me fucker!”
“Yes, I’m moving in until we know your dad ain’t dumb enough to come around her.” The use of his ‘her’ wasn’t lost on me or Noah. It was smart. Noah would be offended if he thought he needed Chad’s protection.
“No need, I have a gun
and a shovel and the perfect spot out back.”
My jaw drops when Noah says it because it’s probably the most he has ever said about Cody to Chad. “What spot?” I ask because anything involving the death of Cody Becket has my undivided morbid attention.
“The fucking bay. Let the fish have his ass.”
We all laugh, and I take Chad pulling him to the door to get him alone when the doorbell rings again. I know in that instant that Noah has frozen just like me. Anyone who we would have expected is here already. Both on edge and Chad notices he tugs my arm keeping me inside. He looks to Noah. “It’s cool man go get the door.”
I don’t know what Chad is expecting but I know that Noah and I are expecting our dad on the other side of that door. Noah walks cautiously to the door and makes a loud sigh when he looks through the peephole. Opening the door, I hear the boisterous voices of the remaining members of TAT. Shamus and Cal walk in the kitchen with a few bags and a ton of beer.
“What the fuck are you guys doing?” Noah asks and gives a high five handshake thing to Shame and Cal.
“I told em’ to come on over. We’re all roomies until we figure this thing with your dad out.” Chad says it like it’s the obvious and normal response to mine and Noah’s confusion.
“Why?” We both ask confused and a little overwhelmed. I for one didn’t need an even more crowded house tonight. I had plans with Chad.
“Dude…” Shame says, and his voice is soft and friendly.
“You really need to learn to read people Bro.” Cal says throwing Cheetos in the air and catching them with his mouth.
“I don’t think you’ll ever get it Noah.” Chad said and I was glad that I wasn’t as jaded as Noah because I finally understood it. “We are your family Noah, Carries too. We stick together and if that fucker wants to get to you guys, he sure the fuck will be coming through us first.”
I was in love with Chad Blake. If I didn’t know before for certain I definitely did now.
