by Emjay Soren
I felt a burning pain on my face, then again and again. My throat was raw from screaming and then I was back, and Candy was screaming and slapping me. She was screaming into her phone and I knew, just knew who she called. When her hand was making its way back to my face, I caught her wrist and spoke, “Stop hitting me please?”
It wasn’t intended as a question, but my mind wasn’t clear yet. “She’s back but I have no clue what just happened. She got a text and then threw her phone across the room and started screaming nonstop for like five minutes.”
I knew she was talking to Noah because her phone was on speaker and I did all I could do and held my hand out for the phone. She looked at me, tears streaming down her beautiful face and I felt the worst shame for her seeing me at my lowest point. She didn’t know what I was seeing in my mind, but she knew enough to know I was hurting and terrified and that had her crying. She placed her arms around me and pulled me close as I spoke in the phone.
“Bubba?” I barely got the word out before I started crying in loud painful wails.
“Calm down baby girl and talk to me. Let’s play some trust me yeah?” His voice was a balm to my fear, it always had been my entire life and he is who I needed right then. I realized that Chad may be with him and seeing this unfold from Noah’s end and I knew it would almost always need to be Noah who pulled me out. I just didn’t want to lose Chad because of it.
“Chad?” I ask unable to form a complete question due to the fact I am in a full-blown panic mode, hyperventilating and all.
“Chad’s right here baby girl, he doesn’t mind you coming to me.” His voice was soft and gentle like talking a sleeping baby to bed.
“He-he-hhhe-cccant-gget-muh-muh-muh-muh-madddd.” I tried so hard to get my words out clear and free of the overwhelming panic inside of me. I could hear Noah barking orders to whoever was there with him. Chad in the distance telling him to make it stop and that he was crawling out of his skin with worry.
I could tell Noah muffled the phone, but I still heard his conversation with Chad. “I can’t make her stop, she will when she calms out.” His voice was again muffled and then back to me. “Look baby girl I have you on speaker so you can hear Chad okay? It’s just us guys here so no fear. Trust me yeah? Tell me what the trust is.”
“Fff-fff-ff-freeeee-dddommm fff-from h-h-him.”
“Yeah okay sissy. You’re free from him, here with me and the boys in the bus making our way to Seattle, right?” Noah was so gentle and soft, speaking as if his voice were to lose the delicate notes I would shatter. I could hear shuffling as the phone muffled and then open air again. “Yeah Chad’s here with me baby girl and he was missing you something crazy, so we flew you in to be with him.”
The entire band and Candy were all sitting there, listening to Noah talk me down with a child’s game intended to keep our minds healthy. It was both embarrassing and beautiful.
I squeeze my eyes shut as tears fall, Candy crying silently against me as I try to calm myself and speak clear. “Ch-ch-ch-ch-chad-d-d-d.” I stutter and cry all over myself wishing I could find the fighter inside. I just need to breathe.
“Yeah baby what’s up?” Chad’s voice was as soothing as Noah’s but something else entirely and I felt a calm come over me.
“N-n-n-nothin’.” I hiccup. “I c-c-can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” I took a deep breath and pulled back from my safe world terrified Chad would think I was completely insane. I don’t know why Noah and my creations worked but they did no matter how much sense they didn’t make. It was making believe and trusting each other enough to see it wasn’t real but safe all the same.
“What do you mean baby? I thought you were here?” I can hear the fear and worry in his voice, even when he tries to smother it with a soft chuckle and play along.
“I’m fine now.” I say through hiccup sobs as my tears dry and I try to regain a sense of composure I’m not sure will come. “I promise I’m okay.”
“What set this off Sissy? Did dad contact you?” The note of complete disdain and fury didn’t go unnoticed when Noah asked.
Nodding I stopped because they obviously couldn’t see me. I tended to go into myself when I got scared using one-word answers or simple nods until I got my bearings. Noah knew this. “Candy is she nodding?” He asked over the speaker of Candy’s phone.
“Yes, she’s nodding yes.”
“Carrie girl you have got to tell Noah what happened.” This was Shamus in the speaker now and I could hear jumbled curses coming from both Chad and Noah.
I told them what the text said and listened to dead silence for what felt like hours. Noah’s voice in the background told me he was either talking to the cops or to Seth and Lilly. Either way one of them was on their way here. “Chad?” I questioned not sure if anyone was listening.
“Yeah baby.” He spoke softly and I knew this was killing him.
“I want you home.” I cried and hated myself for saying such weak words. How could I ask him to drop his shot at fame, to forget the Seattle show and rush to me because of a scary text message? I asked myself this and knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop from wishing he was with me.
“I want Noah here too.” I cried, because clearly, I had not only wanted to cost Chad his future but Noah as well. Chad didn’t get to answer me though when he came back on the speaker.
“Listen to me Carrie. I need you to get your shit, bag it up and leave with Candy. I’m giving you five minutes sissy, that’s how long until Uncle Seth is there to lock down the house. Get in the car with Candy, do it now and call me from the road.”
He left no room for arguments of defeat as the line went dead. Less than a minute later Candy’s phone rang a notification from Noah, but I didn’t bother asking. Noah was obviously in survival mode so I did as he asked and packed my bag as best as I could. Uncle Seth was there with my final minute to spare, pulling me into his arms and hugging me close.
“I called the cops Carrie. They are on their way now, I told them safety was key and that you can give your statement over the phone. Their gonna take what’s left of your broken phone with them and see if they can figure out where the hell he is at. Go with Candy and call me when you’re settled.” I pulled back and looked at my uncle. He was over six feet and a burly man with dusty blonde hair and beard to match. He was nothing like my father, not even in appearance let alone the differences in soul. Uncle Seth and Aunt Lilly were the only parents Noah and I had.
He stepped back from my hug and held the door, walking us to Chad’s truck looking over his shoulder and in every possible direction for my dad. He looked to Candy who was the driver this time and smiled sweetly. “Call me the minute you girls get to Seattle. Shouldn’t take more than an hour and a half.”
Candy agreed and started the truck, the engine growling in excitement for the drive ahead as we headed off toward Seattle.
Seattle.
Chad may not be coming home to me, but I was going home to him.
I was his Dorothy.
*
The minute we pulled up to Quest Field we had to go through a series of security gates and show our ID’s. By the third one Candy called Noah and told him we were there but getting ID’ed at every gate. After she ended the call we didn’t have to stop again. How he had the pull that early on was beyond me, but I was grateful.
We pulled into the spot the last guard told us to look for and parked Chad’s monster sized Ford next to Diesel haulers and the tour bus a few hundred feet away. I saw Noah step off the bus, Chad right on his heels as they came toward us. I jumped from the truck and ran toward my safe boys, flying myself into Noah as soon as I could reach.
“Shh’ Sissy. Your safe now, c’mon look at me and see you’re safe.” He was cupping the back of my head, his hand stroking my back trying to soothe me. I couldn’t look up because I knew Chad was beside him and I didn’t want him to see me like this.
“Chad man, give us a minute?” Noah asked, politely even which shocked me. Too
bad Chad didn’t care.
“Not gonna happen Beckett. Give me my girl.” He said just as politely, and I wondered how these two who constantly fought about me had somehow managed to not spit demands at one another.
At Chad’s words however I gripped Noah tighter. I was scared of everything sure, but more scared that Chad wouldn’t be able to handle this. I heard a door from the bus open and clomping feet as Shamus, Cassa and Cal barreled down the stairs and came toward us. Candy was talking to them softly and I heard Cassa gasp at the story.
“She needs me right now Chad. This is heavy and ugly and harder for Carrie to deal with because Carrie had it the worst. Think of what you to do behind closed doors with her and imagine her mind right now knowing, that you know that our dad did the same fucking things to her.” Noah wasn’t being nice anymore and I hated him for his bull in a china shop way, even if his point was spot on.
“Fuck!” Was Chad who stormed off into the bus. I could hear shouting and shit breaking but I held tight to Noah.
Noah looked behind him at Candy. “C’mere baby.” He said softly to her and pulled her close kissing her on her forehead. “You did so fucking good Candy, solid baby. Give me five with Carrie and try to calm his ass down so he can see where I’m coming from, where Carries coming from.”
“Yeah of course.” She said her voice shaking.
“You did good babe, just give me five and then I’ll come for you and help calm you down.”
There was an innuendo in there somewhere but right then I didn’t care how gross they were. Noah didn’t speak again until everyone had dispersed. “Look at me now Carrie.”
I looked up and saw the same look he always wore, determination and anger mixed with guilt and sadness. Never fear though, I never saw fear on Noah. “Chad isn’t gonna run from this sissy. You need to let him in on this, let him see you broken and defeated so he can help you too.”
“I can’t Noah.” I cried and tried to burry my face in his neck again.
“You can and you will Carrie. We don’t back down; we stand tall and fight this fucker into a grave if we have to. But you can’t hide from Chad not with this. He is so fucked with fear for you he’s been going crazy since the second he heard your voice. He’s mad as hell and ready to fight for you and with you.”
“What if it’s too much for him Noah? This is so wrong and dirty and fucked up.”
“Yeah it is, but you’re not and there is a difference.”
“What if he can’t take it?” I ask scared that I am always going to be too high maintenance when it comes to relationships.
“I spent hours on his back making it look real so he could carry your marks on him for life Carrie. He’s down for the long haul here. He needs to know how to handle this shit because it’s gonna happen from time to time. You have nightmares and memories that most likely will never go away. What happens when you marry him? You can’t rush to me in the middle of the night because of a fucked-up dream.”
“Marry him?” I ask my voice shaking nervously at the thought, terrified that it didn’t scare me stupid and actually created a soothing warmth in my chest.
“Yeah sissy, marry him. Chad’s been after you for years, you love him, and he loves you. I know he ain’t ever gonna let you get away unless you keep him out of this. Calling me in the middle of the night when you’re his isn’t cool sissy. It’s fine for now, but in the forever sense, you gotta let him in.”
“I come to you because I don’t have to say what I saw or remembered or felt. You know it all and I refuse to rehash it with Chad for the sake of comfort.” I knew I could never tell Chad the things my dad did to me. They were wrong and repulsive and Chad, with me was a thing of beauty and promise. It was pure and true. I would do anything to protect that. “What happens if he changes and no longer sees me as sexy or beautiful? I don’t want Chad with stipulations and kitten gloves.”
“And he doesn’t want you with secrets.”
Point well made big brother.
I pulled back from Noah and combed my fingers through my hair before scrubbing my face with my hands. Noah stepped back when the door to the bus opened and Chad stepped off with caution looking at us in question if it was ok.
Everything inside of me shattered seeing him there, strong, and sure that I was his and I ran to him. He lifted me easily into his arms and carried me in his arms through the hall of the bus until we reached the back where he kicked the door shut behind us.
He sat on the bed with me in his lap, kissing my head as I cried. He didn’t ask me for any information, he didn’t ask what was wrong or what he could do. He just held me while I cried and that was enough.
Chapter Nineteen
Carrie
I made my statement to the cops a few hours after we made it to Quest field and was shocked at the support surrounding me. The Sinners of the Slipstream welcomed Candy and I onto the bus with open arms. It was hard to remember all the cheating and partying they did behind their loved one’s backs when they were protecting me and comforting me as if I was one of them.
I sat next to Chad and rested my head on his shoulder, glad that he was still Chad and that to him, I was still Carrie. When a knock came on the bus door Chad stood to answer, coming back with two armfuls of what had to be the best smelling food ever.
“I got Chinese for all.” He said with a smile and dropped the bags on the counter in the kitchenette. He scooped some moo goo gai pan for me with rice and eggrolls as well as Beef low mein for himself and took the remaining rice from to box and popped the end of an eggroll between his lips. Nodding at me he looked in the direction of the back room and used his remaining fingers to scoop two sodas from a six-pack.
Whistles and cat calls followed me down the hall, but I knew this wasn’t going to be the sexual tryst that I had planned for the night. No this was talk time and I would rather be undressing him to skin than baring my secrets.
After we were settled on the bed, I looked at him and melted. I could see the wear and tear from the day’s events on him and I felt awful. Tonight’s show was the big deal, the major show for both Sinners of the Slipstream and Thick as Thieves. Seattle was the home base to them and had been to so many others.
Not wanting to delay the obvious I figured that jumping right on into the nightmare was best. “My dad thought and believed he loved me. No matter how many times I told him he was sick and wrong didn’t matter, he loved me, and it angered him that I was repulsed by him.”
I look at Chad who is busy stuffing his face but still listening intently on my every word and I love him for not making a comment or asking me questions. This would be easier if he said nothing at all, but I knew it was all about time right now. Right now, was my time to talk.
“The things he did to me, the things he forced Noah to watch…” I shudder and try to get my words right. “I tried to go gently. I tried to bargain with him so that he would leave Noah alone. I tried to use that love he had for me against him to keep Noah safe, but no matter how hard I tried to do what he asked he still beat him.” My tears were back, and I hated crying over the past. I knew I couldn’t change it; I knew it wasn’t fair and it was sad, but I had busted my ass to move on for me and Noah. “I would fight Noah when we played trust me. He knew what I was doing, and he told me to not give in to dad and to fight that he could take the beatings.” I started talking faster, my words breaking, voice cracking. Chad dropped his plate on the bed and scooted closer to scoop me onto his lap.
“Hey calm down baby. It’s just talking right? You don’t need to prove anything to me.” He took a drink from his can of soda before kissing me on the head and continuing. “Noah told me what you tried to do for him. You were brave trying to save him knowing what it would cost you. Noah was brave to baby, he saved you Carrie girl. Nothing you tell me could make me think less of you. Feel me?”
I nod and nuzzle in close. “Keep talking baby until you can’t, and we can stop. You wanna talk about the tour, the bus, the sky I’m cool.
Just talk to me.”
I went with the truth.
“I’m scared he is never going to let us free. He knows that we won’t talk, we know he won’t. I’m scared that if Noah makes it big, that he will try and pull something to gain money.”
Chad is shaking his head no. “Baby if we make it big, we will have lawyers, PR, agents, fucking money that could burry your past so fucking deep your dad could never get to the truth. He would be painted as a liar and humiliated. Noah would be painted as a hero and you beautiful would be my wife and nobody fucks with my wife.”
“Wife?” I ask and pull back from my nuzzle in his neck and look at him, seeing he is completely serious.
“Well yeah. You’re talking in the hypothetical and hypothetically speaking yeah, baby, I have no plans on ever letting you go. So yeah, wife.” He winks and gives me his Rockstar smile and I see it then and there and my words come naturally.
“He always told me and Noah that we were nothing, that we were tainted and tarnished and good for nothing. We fought for so long to prove to ourselves that we were good and worthy of a normal life.” I shake my head and smile through my tears and place my hand on his cheek so that he can feel my skin, hear my words, and hopefully see my truth. “Since the minute I agreed to all in with you, all I have wanted to do was tell Noah we were right. That we are worth it all because of how you make me feel. I love you Chad and I trust you and both of those things are huge for me.” I kiss his cheek where my hand had been.
“I don’t look at us in the hypothetical; I don’t because I can see being your wife and the mother to your children because you are what I want for life.”
I sit there on pins and needles wondering if I said too much too soon but when he smiles and leans in to kiss me gently, I know my heartfelt speech was received. He moved me so that I was straddling him and deepened the kiss, slipping his hands beneath the hem of my tank top and softly caressing his hands over my back.
