by Emjay Soren
Then he went and killed the moment.
“Shame told me Carrie.” He took a deep breath and held me tighter knowing his next words would make me want to bolt. “I’m so sorry I fucked up again.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Carrie
I could kill Chad was my first thought. My second was to try to pry myself from his embrace, but Chad held firm. For a small brief second, I had woken thinking my world was right and that my man wanted me back. He didn’t. Instead he was here to tell me he fucked up again. That meant one thing in my book and that was he fucked Right and Left before coming to me. The thought had me struggling to get from Chad’s embrace before I vomited all over him. I seriously needed Pepto-Bismol when in his presence it seemed.
He wasn’t letting me go though.
“Why didn’t you tell me Carrie?” His voice was soft and full of love and devotion and everything I had wanted from him earlier. Giving it to me now was all for pity. I didn’t need his pity.
“And what? Rob you of your little dig at me earlier?” I seethed and tore myself from his hold. He let me go I assume because my voice brooked no argument from him. I was seething mad.
“Well had you called me I’d have known, and I would have been prepared. I haven’t heard from you other than a few heartless text messages in six months. You show up looking like every dream I’ve had in that time and expect me to crumble? I’ve done enough graveling, haven’t I?”
Every dream? I vowed to myself to think on that tidbit later.
“This isn’t about graveling or past hurts. Bottom line was I couldn’t bring myself to tell you over a heartless text or phone call. I love you still. I thought you would like the news in person.”
“Carrie”- he started shocked by my words, but I was on a roll.
“What I didn’t account for was the seething hatred I encountered when I saw you for the first time in said months! I wasn’t about to lay my heart out on the floor in front of your band and the other five on tour, not to mention your arm trophies.”
He cupped his hands over his face and scrubbed them up and down before dropping them to his sides. “I admit I wanted to hurt you Carrie. I don’t filter and I don’t sugar coat shit. I saw you and every hair on my body stood on end. A thousand scenarios ran through my head, every single one would have been a dream come true. And like a steel door those thoughts fade like everything else between us and the fury seeps in. I love you too and I tell you this often. I can’t even begin to make my words come out right other than I’m sorry I hurt you while you were hurting. I know you came for me to be with me so shut the fuck up and get back in my arms!”
That in a nutshell is my relationship with Chad Blake. Blinding fury, mad as hell at one another and it’s brushed aside for the bigger picture. Chad is my best friend and I lost him once before. We can both accept that this right here is where I needed to be. I felt like an inconsolable child into his arms and said nothing for long moments as the ugly cry tore from my chest. Nothing was going right other than a confession of love from us both. Instead we were yelling and fighting, while trying to love. We were still so fucking broken.
Broken or not I stayed in his arms unable to move.
The sun hadn’t risen yet, but it was close and we were both exhausted. Curled in the darkness, wrapped safely in Chad’s embrace I finally spoke. “Did Noah or Candy call and warn you?”
I felt him stiffen at my voice breaking the silence. I hadn’t moved in hours of grief ridden sleep, but as my head lay upon Chad’s chest, I looked around the room in the dim light and saw that Chad had moved while I had been sleeping. There was a table tray with silver covered plates and a few bags that appeared to be luggage. Chad’s maybe?
“No. I got a chance to talk with Shame before we went on.” He shrugs with a smile. “I was dishing on info about you and why you were here. I might be the biggest dick on earth right now, but I still wanted to know why you came. I had a fool’s dream of you coming to see me for me once I knew we were hitting Seattle. I was a fuck for how I treated you. I was so scared to hear more of the same shit, I went right into defense mode. Shame told me why you were here, and I barely made it through the show. Once I got off stage I went back to the bus and started packing my bags to head to your place when Shame told me you were here.” He kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer. We were so confusing me and my man. In the grip of broken hearts and fights and slutty fan girls, we still make no attempt to hide how deeply we love one another. Chad and I truly are the worst kind of love.
“I was a little scared when he said you guys talked about Cassa, that you told him how she almost died and all the other shit that’s happened this last six months.”
His question pulled me out of my near constant monolog about Chad and I and brought me back up to speed like a bitch slap. Because I had told Shamus enough.
“Because after being dispatched by you in front of everyone… I didn’t want anyone to think that…that. anyone but you was my reason for showing.”
“Fuck Baby… I’m sorry I was cruel. I don’t know why I do that shit.” He kissed my forehead before leaning in, like he owned the right and kissed me gently on my lips. It only caved my chest in further. Who was I kidding? Chad owned the rights to my heart; he owned every piece of me and why I we were still fighting it I would never know.
“Well I don’t know why I have to be so damn tough all the time. I could have choked on my sobs last night over how deep your words hurt, but you still had the right to know about why I was here. After everything I owe you the truth. My keeping it from you was my being scared. I had every intention of texting you this heartfelt declaration but in the end, I decided for strength and perseverance.”
“I don’t know why you try being tough around me. I know your soft spots baby. I want to comfort you and try my fucking best to make you see how good we are, not how bad we can be.” He scooted down the bed so that we now lay face to face. One hand cupping my cheek while the other scooped under my shoulders to try and pull me closer still.
I took all our tears into consideration. I counted every hard moment in our relationship, I counted every painful goodbye, every kiss hello and every damn hurtful word and still took the chance knowing he would open up to me. “I couldn’t get to you fast enough Chad.” My sobs broke free and Chad’s arms tightened as the levee inside of me broke. “I knew you were in town and I couldn’t hold myself back from coming to you. Noah knew I would come to you. He made sure I had tickets at will call and passes…all of it.” I desperately go for breath I don’t have hoping to get my thoughts across.
“These last six months apart from you, keeping my distance and watching you from a television…it has been the worst kind of hell. So, I planned to come to you, selfish as it might seem. I knew you were coming in; I followed your tour stops like a fucking stage five clinger. I had every intention of taking you home and seducing you. I knew I would come to you, that I would need you. I still love you and I knew I had to tell you in person.” Another sob retched free at my confession. “I was so selfish for taking so long. I wanted you to myself for once before I had to tell you something so profound and important to me and I would have done anything for five minutes with you. I was angry and hurt and when you were so cold I just…”
I didn’t finish because the story had come full circle and there was no point rehashing it. Or so I thought. “Carrie I would never turn you away. I was angry and hurt and seeing you like a dream come to life… it was all too much. The last time we saw one another was the most painful moment in my life. I was still reeling from that fight.” He sighed and rolled to lay on his back no longer facing me. “The minute I was out of your life I buried myself in the tour and the album. Fuck Carrie I barely made it through the first show without screaming a big ‘fuck it’ to the crowed and chasing after you. I felt so fucking low baby. And tonight, I didn’t know where you went. Shame knew and I knew he knew when he showed up on stage late. The minute I saw his face
, he looked at me and we both had this silent moment. We did songs back to back and we bailed without an encore. He met me on the bus, and we talked. He told me we were fools.”
I smile remembering getting the same lecture just hours before.
“The twisted thing is. I knew something was off with you showing up. I could see the strain on your face when you smiled, and I could hear the hurt and feel it as my own when I dismissed you so easily. The minute I got off that stage Shame told me you guys talked and I asked if he knew where you were. Baby he told me you were here, and I couldn’t get to you fast enough.”
We lay silently in the bed for long moments again. Taking in what each one of us said when he spoke. “Why did you tell the guys that you gave me to them?”
I knew he felt my body stiffen as my breakdown to Cal last night filtered through my grief ridden brain. Honesty was the only option I had. I was too tired to try and cover my tracks. There was no point hiding it anyway. Chad could see straight through me and maybe he needed to know why I walked away.
“Because I did give you away. I gave you to the world Chad. They wanted you as the latest and greatest Rock-star and I had nothing to keep you coming home to me. So, I bowed out as gracefully as only I can, which is kicking and screaming and gave you away.”
“You act like it was your right? I’m not an object to toss around Carrie. You can damn well make me go by being a bitch, but you can’t give me away. I’ve been miserable without you. I have no choice but to deal with it because all those people you gave me too are relying on me to bring my A game and not disappoint. You let me go Carrie, you didn’t give me away. You forced me to leave, remember you told me I lost you.”
“What could I have offered you to make it worth coming home to me each time after what happened? What could I give you as incentive to ensure your dick stayed tucked away for my use only and that the line was never crossed again? What could I ever do to make it all worthwhile for the both of us? I have dreams of being a writer Chad. I had dreams of being your wife one day but that was before it came with such a heartbreaking cost.”
He gave me an incredulous look like I spoke was nonsense. “Are you seriously trying to tell me that the pain you’re in now is better than the possibility that we may not make it in the future? We can’t stay away from one another now Carrie! We have been in the same state three times since we broke up and every time there is a look, or a smile and now this. There is always something bringing me back to you, hurting us more along the way because we belong together and not apart!” He was yelling now. “How could anything be worse than this? I’m so fucking miserable now it can’t get worse.”
“You think it’s been so easy for me to move on, don’t you?”
“You don’t have to put on a show every night and rile a crowd and get a party started while your best friend and your girl aren’t there with you anymore. Me a Noah are strained to baby, don’t forget that. You go home at night and can close yourself in and let the pain out. I can’t do that Carrie! I suffer in silence, because I’m stuck on a bus in a different place each night with no privacy!”
I sat up and rose to my knees facing him in the bed. “You say that seeing me is like a dream come to life? My dreams don’t do you justice Chad. My memory recognizes every nuance of your voice, every silken touch every tickling breath and it plays on repeat all day long. I also get the joy of magazine covers and MTV of course and let’s not forget the radio. The last months have been an experiment in heartache. I am reminded of you a million times a day and that doesn’t include the people we know. My broken heart replays our finest moments on a loop every minute of every day, I could do without the media reminders too. They tend to break me down to damn near nothing. At least I had School and a teacher who makes me want to write and become something. I have been writing my story, our story and it’s hard to relive. I got twisted in my pain trying to find the end and came running to you because I couldn’t stay away anymore. I miss you Chad… so much. I can’t let the end of my story be with us apart.”
I buried my face in his chest and let my tears flow. I didn’t need Chad to talk to know I had shocked him to his core. I was normally so distant when it came to talking feelings. I just couldn’t keep it in anymore.
Silence.
Stillness.
And then…
“Carrie… God Carrie tell me what to do here and I’ll do it. I can’t keep spinning in circles like this when you don’t trust me.”
“That’s the thing Chad. It’s me I’m scared of. If I fall into a life with you… I don’t trust I’ll come out clean. But for the life of me I can’t stay away from you anymore.”
“Then stop running.”
God, I wanted to. I was so tired and everything I had ever wanted was in the bed next to me, fighting for me. I couldn’t do it though not yet. There were so many unanswered faults on both our sides. I had been miserably alone for the last six months…Chad hadn’t. It wasn’t something I could let go right then. I couldn’t let him go either. I wanted all of him and he needed all of me.
“Just give me time Chad. Time to be here now to feel comfort and we can talk out our shit and mistakes tomorrow. I need to just be with you and rest tonight.”
“Rest Carrie girl, because when we wake up, we are hashing this out if it takes a damn month.”
I slept finally for the first time in months.
I slept.
*
Another six months later…
The lights went out in the club and the crowd went insane.
"I've been singing to you guys for years now and you are the best fans a guy like me from Gig harbor could ask for." The fans went crazy of course. "We just ended a journey that blew our minds and before we end with this show, I need all of our hometown hero's... our fans”- they went crazy again- “to do us a favor and let me tell you a story."
Now the girls were screaming, and I had heard this type of play to the audience before and wondered what he had planned. It had been a whirlwind of teary phone calls, amazing phone sex and texts that were both dirty and depressing. But we were here, in a place that brought us both back home.
I haven’t seen Chad other than a few hours last month when he and the guys came in for my college graduation. I wanted to stop the long distance between us and tell him I was his then, but we both agreed six months, after the tour and after I graduated when we both could commit to one another with no strings.
The six months was up, and I was late to the Hula House for the guys final show in Gig Harbor where it all started. The place was a thunder of chanting fans screaming "tell us, tell us!" Chad smiled and started lifting his hands up and down getting the crowd louder. When they were hitting ten decibels Chad started laughing and spoke over the outrageous crowd.
He strummed a few strings just playing on the guitar. "So, you all know that over the last year I fell in love?" The crowd cheered some, mostly women, booed. I wanted to curl up and die.
"Oh God Chad please no...." I cried knowing he couldn't hear me.
He nodded to the crowd so knowingly. "See me and my Carrie girl have this thing, this inside joke. Since our first date when I showed up to get her... Beckett here informed me I was a lost cause because I brought her the wrong flower... so as time goes by I try figuring out what her flower is. I gave a peony next then on and on."
Looking at me sitting at the table, he smiled and winked and then there was a guard before me, and the crowd was watching intensely. "Mr. Blake would like you to have these Miss Beckett. In his hands was a giant bundle of my favorite flower.
"For the fans who don't know... I just gave Carrie a bundle of night blooming jasmine... her favorite flower."
The crowd roared with enthusiasm. I was shocked and humiliated in the best way. I smelled my flowers and smiled.
"I'm right ain’t I baby?” He asks but he knows he’s right and I nod now playing along. This was his craziest move of all, and I loved him all the more. I placed my flowers on m
y seat behind me. Chad laughed and bent to me.
"Give em’ here Carrie, I'll have tiny take them." So hospitable my guy. He handed my flowers off and I smiled at Candy ready for the show to start.
"It sort of became a thing to see how well I knew my girl. Next it was I didn't know she sang or played guitar." The crowd roared and Chad laughed. "I know it’s sexy as hell too but you ain’t seeing that tonight." He took a drink calm as could be. "Next was the worst. Trying to be a gentleman I didn't kiss her till I got her to a show to see me shine right?" He asked the audience of our friends at the table who totally agreed. "When you’re in a band... a damn good one... you gotta use it to your advantage." Chad looked at me with his sweet smile... the playful Chad that was mine not his fans. “I did my best and she gave me that sweet kiss." I could see his affected the memory had him and was glad it was dark because I gave a lot of kisses that night. "She was so sweet saying she was dared to kiss me... refused to kiss me until she told me she was dared because she didn't know how to ask."
He played a few more chords making the crowd wild. The band started following his beat, but it sounded more like an intro maybe to a new song? "I told her I would sing anything for her kisses. I'm sure she really kissed me because I serenaded her that night." He started to play the first chords to ‘Saving me’ and they all went nuts and I melted.
"I remember...what was it I said Beckett?"
