by Sarah Doren
“What are you doing?” I whispered, paralyzed from that simple touch.
“Nothing,” he mumbled, letting his hand drop back down to his side. “How have you been?”
I shrugged. “Nothing much is new. What about you, how’ve you been?”
“Pretty good. I’m at practice right now,” he said.
“Rugby?” I asked as I peered over his broad shoulder. The shoulder I had bitten during sex. No, don’t even think about it, Tina. Do. Not. Even. Go. There.
“Yeah. Coach had us run a few laps before we start the game,” he explained.
“Well, that’s nice.” I said, rubbing my elbow. I didn’t know what to say anymore.
“Do you want to stay and watch for a little bit?” he asked, looking slightly uncomfortable.
“Uh, sure.”
He led me toward the large stadium, and I climbed up on the row of benches. I flung my bag in the seat right next to me, smiling at a little girl who stared at me if as if I had suddenly grown two pair of horns.
“Hi,” I said quietly and focused my eyes on the practice game.
For the next few minutes, the boys did a few laps before doing a few practice rounds of catching the ball. I sat through the entire half hour, completely fascinated to see what these men do on the field and off. I remembered briefly Wiremu telling me about training to be a professional rugby player. And it made me wonder if his parents were okay with it. They must realize that their son was amazing at the game, though it made me wonder whether he was going to be compliant about marrying a girl he didn’t know.
It took a little while to realize that I had never really thought about the possibility of him marrying someone else until now. I didn’t know what to feel about the situation. Even though I wasn’t looking for a relationship with a man I barely knew, I decided that I still cared about him - Should care about him, in fact, since we did, after all, have a history class together.
“You all right there?” Wiremu’s voice cut into my daydream.
I looked up to find him hovering above me. His beautiful hazel eyes glinted with slight amusement, and sweat was dripping from his forehead. He looked handsome even with perspiration dribbling down his sexy body. I tried to push the memory of his body away, but it just kept on coming back. The memory of how he had run those brown, thick fingers against my skin. How it had lit a fire in me that no one else ever had.
That was exactly why I couldn’t fall for him. Why I couldn’t stay and pursue the relationship. Not only because I would be going back to Germany in a matter of months, but also because what we had was already in the past, and he was to marry someone else. I imagined the woman must be pretty, and rich too. Nothing like me.
“Uh, yeah, fine.” I said, blinked to clear the haziness from my mind.
“You want to grab something to eat?” he asked, still standing over me.
I shook my head. I didn’t want to spend another minute hanging out with him, I couldn’t, not when my heart hammered in my chest whenever he was around. I was afraid to read any meaning into what I was feeling.
I glanced at my watch and said, “I have to meet my host dad back home. I don’t think I’d be able to go out. I promised I’d cook dinner.”
I didn’t know whether it was just me, but I thought I saw his face fall a little bit. Either way, just as quickly as it had come, he erased any emotion from his face and nodded.
“Sure, next time,” he said and walked off.
I watched with a heavy heart as he returned to his teammates. He never looked back at me again, and after a while, I stood up and left the stadium. I walked home, glad that the house wasn’t too far from the university. The walk to my host family’s house was quiet, except for the strong force of the wind threatening to knock me over. We seemed to be in for another storm tonight, so I hurried.
I wrapped my arms around myself, pushing a strand of hair away from my face as I adjusted the strap of my bag on my shoulder. The edge of my textbooks dug deep into the crook of my elbow, and my breathing was growing slightly more ragged with each house I passed.
A mental image of Wiremu’s face flickered in my mind. A nagging feeling settled upon me as I pushed my hair out of my face again. I didn’t like the feel of guilt inside of me, and how it weighed on me. We both knew where we stood, and that no tears would be shed at the end of all of this. And it wasn’t as if we were in a relationship. We were clear on that.
I turned the doorknob with my hand to find Anthony hovering over Jayden who had his jaw clenched and eyes lowered.
Chapter Three
I knew the moment I stepped in the door that something was very wrong.
I could sense the strain between father and son, and I didn’t know whether to step all the way inside and pretend I didn’t see anything or stay where I was rooted. So I chose the latter.
Anthony didn’t seem to notice me, because he continued talking. “You need to show some respect around this house Jayden! I didn’t raise you to be like this. Your mom would have been ashamed!”
“I wish she was here instead of you!” Jayden yelled back at his father. His young face was red and he was shaking so badly it looked like he might be having a seizure.
“How could you talk back to me like that?” Anthony spattered just as angrily. “If I would have known you would be like this, I would have sent you to your Aunt Melanie in England and enrolled you in a boarding school. That way you could learn some respect.”
“I wish you had! I wish you would have just done that in the beginning, so that I wouldn’t have to see your face every day. I hate you, I hate you!” A gasp left my lips, as I heard him say that. I couldn’t take my eyes off of that little boy, as he ran out of the room. His feet thumped loudly on the stairs. This was the first, real emotion I’d seen from my host brother, and I didn’t know whether to feel relieved that he was human—that he had actual feelings, or to scold him for talking back at his dad.
If Jayden had been any other boy, I would have thought of him as a brat who didn’t respect to his elders. But seeing his reaction to me, when I first came into their lives, I knew that he was facing something else. Something a lot deeper than the hate he felt for his father.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” My host dad said, breaking into my thoughts. “Jayden and I are just going through some tough times.”
“I understand,” I said, though I truly did not. I didn’t know how it felt to be upset with a father. And even though my mother and I were close, we had some days where we weren’t at our best and went through our own rough patches. Just as these two were going through now.
I smiled at him and patted his back reassuringly. I scaled the stairs and bit my lip. I didn’t know if Jayden wanted someone to comfort him or if I should just leave him alone. The last thing I wanted was to invade his privacy. He seemed to be upset still, because I heard quiet sniffling from his room. I stopped in front of his door, my hand curled into a fist and poised at the wooden barrier that separated us.
Against my better judgement, I knocked on his door twice before waiting for an answer. Nothing. I couldn’t hear any more sniffles. I must have interrupted him.
“Jayden?” I said in a quiet voice, making sure that his dad couldn’t hear me. “It’s me, Tina. I hope you don’t mind me coming in.”
No response. Worried, I bit my bottom lip, wondering whether I should just barge in and invade his private space completely. I was just about to do that when the doorknob twisted and the door gaped slightly open.
“Jayden?” I whispered and took the opportunity to let myself in.
His room was dark when I went inside, without the slightest light seeping in from anywhere. In the far corner, I could barely make out a shadow. It must be my host brother. I pressed my lips into a tight line and closed the door behind me. My body was swallowed by the darkness, as I gingerly walked to where Jayden was. I flopped down next to him and waited patiently for him to say something. Anything that would ease him out of his mise
ry.
Finally, I said, “Are you okay?”
The bed dipped slightly as I felt his head shake without a single word escaping from his lips.
“Tough fight, huh?” I said.
He nodded this time.
We fell silent again. I worried about what sort of questions to ask for fear of upsetting him more. I knew that this was none of my business, but I cared about them—these three boys had treated me as family. Anthony was the closest thing to a father I had ever had, and Jayden and Isaac were the only semblance of siblings I had ever known.
“Just tell me to shut up if I ask too many questions, okay?”
Another nod.
“What did you guys argue about?” I asked, hesitant to bring up the subject.
“I failed an important test today,” he said suddenly.
“Is that so? That’s really not a big deal, well, I mean it is. Technically. But Anthony doesn’t seem to be the yelling type. Or the type to get mad over something like that.”
“He isn’t,” Jayden confirmed. “It’s just...”
“Just what?” I prodded gently.
“I’ve been taking my problems out on him,” he confessed with a shake of his head. “I’ve been really miserable lately.”
If anyone would have asked me if Jayden was the type of person who had a temper, I would have said no immediately. Even so, as I listened to him now, pouring out the problems piled up in his little heart, I wondered if he was hiding deeper secrets that no one ever knew about.
“Why are you miserable?” I asked, taking the risk of putting my arm around his shoulders. I pulled him to my side, tucking the crown of his head against my cheek.
He didn’t complain, nor did he pull away from me. Instead, he snuggled closer, wrapping his skinny arms around my waist and holding on.
“I’ve just really felt down lately. I miss my mom a lot.”
I stroked his back reassuringly, lending him my strength without having to say the words. “I know you do, buddy. I would feel the same way, if I had even had a dad.”
He pulled back a little to peer up at me. “Where did your dad go anyway? After he left you and your mom.”
I shrugged. “No idea, Jay. I’ve never met him, nor do I plan on meeting him any time soon, even if I was given the chance.”
In spite of the darkness, I could make out his wide eyes and surprised face. “You wouldn’t?”
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“He left, buddy. When people don’t turn up, at some point in your life, you just stop caring whether they’ll ever come back to see you again.”
“Is that how you felt when your dad left, Tina?” Jayden asked, sounding more curious than upset.
“I don’t know actually. I guess, maybe. I’ve never seen his face, never met him ever in my life. When I was little, I used to think he’d turn up someday and bring me and my mom back to live with him. Here in New Zealand. But he never turned up.”
“Aww, that sucks. How did you feel about it, though?”
I smiled sadly at him, still stroking his back. “It was like someone telling me on Christmas morning that Santa isn’t real.”
“Really?” he asked.
“Yeah. It’s more of a disappointment than a hurt feeling, really. I guess it’s a good thing I’ve never met him, right?”
I was taken aback when my host brother agreed immediately. “Yes. I guess it’s better this way. I’m glad you didn’t meet your father too.”
“Oh, why’s that?”
I was partially amused at what he said, and it took me a while to realize that he was talking again. “I’m glad you didn’t meet your biological father, because otherwise, you wouldn’t be here. With me, with us.”
“You’re sweet,” I said and pressed a kiss on his head.
“I know that I haven’t been welcoming or made you feel at home. But I just wanted to let you know that we’re so glad that you’re here. With us.”
“You’re making me cry,” I teased and tickled him.
He gave into the laughter, but we quickly sobered up again.
“You gonna tell me why you were crying earlier?” I asked.
“It’s my mom’s death anniversary today. And I failed my test. Dad is right, she wouldn’t be proud of me if she found out. Not only did I disappointment my dad, but also her too. I’m so messed up.”
“Of course you’re not messed up!” I defended him reaching out, so he was an arm’s length from me.
It may be dark in his room, but it didn’t stop me from grabbing his shoulders and looking straight into his beautiful eyes.
“Listen to me, okay? You’re not messed up, nor are you a fucked up boy, Jayden. Excuse my language. But whatever people say—whether it be your dad, or your Uncle, or whoever—saying that you’re worthless and a piece of crap, you tell them that you’re worth something. That even though you talked back at your dad tonight, I knew what you said didn’t come from the heart. You’re a good boy Jayden.”
“Why are you so good to me?” Jayden asked, taking me fully by surprise now.
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
“I’ve never been nice to you. I barely talked to you when you first came into our house. I’ve barely ever said a few sentences around you, and yet here you are, telling me all these good things and that you believe I’m worth something, even though my dad must hate me right now for saying those nasty things to him. And I don’t mean what I said earlier. It just came out.”
I patted his head, tousling his thick hair. “I know you didn’t mean it, kiddo. You were just really upset. People say bad things when they’re upset. And don’t worry about me. I’m tough as a nutcracker. I don’t get hurt easily.” Even though that’s what people think.
I didn’t add that last bit, knowing that it might just make my host brother upset again. Instead, I smiled down at him and pulled him into another hug.
“Just don’t worry about it, okay? It must have been weird to have a stranger around. And even though I’m going to go back to Germany in a few more months, I’d like to come back here again and spend more time with you and your brother and your dad. But as right now, I can only spend a few days with you guys because of my busy schedule with the university.”
“I understand,” he said and nodded. “Are you planning on cooking dinner tonight?”
“You bet,” I said.
We walked out of his room holding hands. Jayden was still upset and seemed a little shy around his father after the heated argument. I managed to convince him to apologize before setting the table for dinner. I enlisted the two brothers’ help in the kitchen before dinner. Jayden hesitated a little, when his father walked past us, but I nudged him to get the words out.
“I’m sorry dad,” he said quietly.
Anthony stopped in his tracks and looked back at his son. He didn’t say anything, merely took the boy into his arms and squeezed the life out of him. Isaac held onto my hand, as we watched the scene unfold before our eyes.
“It’s all right son. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that,” my host dad added, still embracing Jayden.
They finally pulled apart and we were able to set the table and prepare dinner. I sat next to my host dad, listening in on the conversation and joining in when necessary. For one brief moment, I caught Jayden’s eyes and winked.
He winked back.
Chapter Four
“Good job for today,” my windsurfing instructor said, “I’ll see you guys next weekend.”
I tightened my hold on my wetsuit and was just about to walk back to the gear room when I heard Theo call me.
“Yes?” I said, as he caught up to me. “Is something wrong?”
He shook his head, grinning. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just wondering what you’re doing after this.”
“Oh, uh, nothing really. I was just going to head back home and hang out,” I said.
“Did you wanna grab something to eat or
something? Dinner maybe?” he asked, still smiling down at me.
His smile sent my heart aflutter. Butterflies appeared, and I was trying to calm my thumping heart.
I glanced down at my watch and smiled back at him. “Sure,” I said.
“Great. I’ll see you back here in five?” he said, glancing back at the rest of the class.
I nodded, saying, “Sure.”
I walked back into the gear room and dumped each piece of equipment into its rightful container, after which I headed back into the changing room. I got out of my wet shorts and shimmied into my skinny jeans, changing my shirt last. I grabbed my shoulder bag and went back outside to meet up with Theo, who was looking even more handsome than before in a pair of denim jeans and a black t-shirt that clung to his beach body.
“You ready to go?” he asked.
I nodded and adjusted my bag across my shoulder. “Yeah, I’m ready. I just need to drop my things off at home. If that’s okay?”
He shrugged, saying, “I don’t mind. Although, we can always just leave your things in my car. The restaurant I had in mind isn’t too far away from here. We can walk or take the car.”
I ended up leaving my stuff in his BMW. I wasn’t surprised to see that he drove an expensive car. The vehicle was shiny with not a scratch to be found on the flawless surface. We walked back to the beach and took the longest route to the restaurant, probably because Theo wanted to talk on the way to our destination.
“Are you enjoying the lessons so far?” he began.
“Yeah. I’m enjoying it so far,” I confirmed.
He looked at me, a smile pasted on his lips. “Have you always wanted to try out windsurfing?”
“Yeah, actually, I have always wanted to do it. I never really got the chance to do it in Germany. My country doesn’t offer much in the way of exciting activities.”
“So why choose New Zealand, then? Normally, people would have chosen the United States. Not that I’m saying it’s not great here.”
“I get what you mean,” I said as I tucked a blonde strand of hair behind my ear. “New Zealand is quite famous in Germany. Many people dream of coming here and experiencing the culture. It’s considered wild and exotic. Unlike the States, people don’t just go there because of fame and Hollywood.”
