And then Bram and I get on the ride, I press play on Otis Redding, and we’re off!
Sound good to everyone??
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:31 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Spier, gotta be honest, this is the most intense email I’ve ever read, and that includes my conspiracy theorist uncle *and* Greenfeld during finals week.
Deep breaths, friend!!!
Sent from G-money’s iPhone
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:40 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
I LOVE IT!!! He is going to lose his shit (but in his cute little self-contained Bram way, I can’t wait). Simon, you’re a genius.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:48 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Legit can’t stop laughing at G-money calling out *Bram* for sending intense emails during finals week. Has he met you?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:50 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
WELL, AREN’T YOU FUNNY.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 8:55 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Agreed, Simon. This may actually be Greenfeld-worthy.
Just confirming: We are indeed planning to make it weird for Nora, right?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:06 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Oh, we are *absolutely* making it weird for Nora.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:10 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Okay, one question, Si. I know your guy Luke is up to speed and ready to go, but . . . Simon, are we 100 percent sure he’s on duty Friday? Should we have a backup plan lined up?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:15 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
We don’t need a backup plan. ☺ Let’s just say Luke is taking this VERY seriously.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:18 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Simon . . . please tell me we aren’t Martin Addisoning the Ferris wheel operator.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:21 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
WTF, LEAH NO, WE ARE NOT MARTIN ADDISONING THE FERRIS WHEEL OPERATOR!!! Have you considered that maybe Luke just happens to be a nice guy who likes birthdays and wants to help me surprise my boyfriend??
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:23 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Nope, no one likes birthdays that much.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:26 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Which is why I told Luke it’s a marriage proposal. ☺
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:27 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
SIMON, NO, THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:28 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
OH GOD
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:30 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
I KNOW, LEAH, I KNOW, AND I AM UTTERLY SPEECHLESS
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:31 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
NO FUCKING WAY. Like for real? You guys are getting engaged?? Holy shit Spier, congrats!!!!!
Sent from G-money’s iPhone
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:35 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Garrett, no!!!! OMG, I’m not actually proposing to Bram on Friday! Oh my god, I’m laughing so hard right now. Garrett, I’m nineteen, I literally don’t eat vegetables yet. LOL, NOT proposing. I just told Luke I’m proposing, so he’ll take the plan seriously.
Glad I could clear that up!!! WOW.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:39 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
This conversation. Is BANANAS.
I’m making popcorn.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:41 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
God. What a time to be alive.
All right, wish me luck, I’m going in.
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: JAN 16 AT 9:53 PM
SUBJECT: RE: TOP SECRET
Okay, Simon, I need you to listen to me when I tell you THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Letting people think you’re proposing to Bram is not a good idea. Si, what do you think’s going to happen when you and Bram step off the Ferris wheel? Is your pal Luke going to wish Bram a happy birthday? No, he’s going to congratulate you on your engagement. And every single person in line? Is going to congratulate you on your engagement.
You know what Bram’s going to think, right? He’s going to think you got on that Ferris wheel planning to ask him to marry you.
So put yourself in his head for a second. What if you thought Bram was trying to propose to you? Let’s say you had reason to believe he almost asked you but lost his nerve at the last second.
You’d be asking yourself so many questions, right? Is he the person you want to spend your life with? Your whole life, Simon. Do you want to have sex with him for seventy years? Do you want to change diapers and file taxes and buy health insurance with him? Do you feel like you can even know that right now? And if he’s the one, Simon, do you actually want to do this when you’re nineteen? You have to understand that Bram’s going to be asking himself all these things.
And Simon, say Bram decides yeah, I’m all in. He’ll either be freaking the fuck out, 24/7, waiting for you to actually ask him, or he’s going to turn around and do it himself. Are you ready to be proposed to? Do you know how you’d answer?
I’m sorry, Si, I’m not trying to freak you out. But I get the sense you two are really serious about each other, which means this isn’t just some thought exercise. It’s not something to play around with. I know that’s not your intention, of course, but make sure you’re thinking everything through, okay? Be careful with you
r heart, and his.
Look, I’m not worried about tomorrow. I can explain everything to Luke before you get there, and we’ll nip this in the bud. But . . . maybe you and Bram should talk about this stuff at some point? I don’t know, maybe you already have. And to be clear, I don’t think most nineteen-year-old couples need to bring this shit into the room anytime soon.
But I think maybe you guys do.
Simon, why don’t you start with this question for yourself: What made you think of telling Luke this was a marriage proposal? Don’t tell me it’s so he’d take the birthday surprise seriously, I get that. But why a marriage proposal?
And how did it feel when you said it out loud?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: JAN 22 AT 1:56 PM
SUBJECT: IT’S YOU.
Dear Jacques,
Just think: In four months, we’ll be home again, with the whole summer ahead of us, and none of this will feel real. This semester won’t even leave a mark, Simon. It’ll be like some story we heard two years ago.
I can’t wait to forget what missing you feels like.
Well. You’re officially on a plane, and I’ve got about an hour left until mine boards. The goodbye hasn’t really hit me yet. It feels like maybe you’re in the bathroom, or buying overpriced breath mints (mints that I won’t get to experience secondhand) (okay, now it’s starting to hit me).
You know what I hate about endings? The way they always feel like we made some tactical error. Like time only passed because we let it. Can you believe I’m out here regretting the end of January, like it was my choice?
I keep thinking about what Nick said on New Year’s about video game save points. Our little philosopher. I forgot how much sense he makes sometimes (even more so when I’ve had champagne, apparently). I can’t remember how much of that discussion you were there for (I think this was when you were upstairs FaceTiming Kellan and Grover). But I’ll try to walk you through the context.
Okay, so this was about one or two in the morning, and Taylor was relentlessly trying to make a singalong happen. But everyone was pretty lukewarm about it (except Leah, who was emphatically disinterested), so Taylor just started singing by herself. And it was one of those moments, Simon. You want to roll your eyes, because it’s Taylor, but her voice kind of stopped us all in our tracks. It was that song “More Than Words” (I think it’s on your Amtrak shuffle playlist, right?). Anyway, Nick jumped in and started playing it on his guitar and doing this really quiet vocal harmony, and I think we were all a little spellbound. And as soon as it was over, Leah jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Obviously, Abby went after her, and they were both a little red-eyed when they came back. So Taylor asked if they were okay, and Abby smiled and said, “I just wish I could freeze this moment.”
So Nick just kind of stared at them for a minute, and I felt so nauseated, Simon. Because I really thought Nick was in a good place about the whole Abby and Leah thing, but of course I started second-guessing everything. Like, I actually flinched a little when Nick opened his mouth, because I was so sure he was going to say something awkward. But he got this faraway look on his face, and started talking about time and memory. And that’s when you walked in, but I don’t know if you caught what he was saying.
It was basically this: When we say we want to freeze time, what we mean is that we want to control our memories. We want to choose which moments we’ll keep forever. We want to guarantee the best ones won’t slip away from us somehow. So when something beautiful happens, there’s this impulse to press pause and save the game. We want to make sure we can find our way back to that moment.
Simon, you want to know the moment I’d choose for my save point? Last Friday, top of the Ferris wheel. Specifically, the part where you caught me staring at the Tilt-A-Whirl and decided to destroy me with two words.
Can we keep that one? Can we please go back there?
Love,
Blue
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: JAN 25 AT 10:41 AM
SUBJECT: I KNOW I’M LATE.
Dear Blue,
Well, here it is: our two-year anniversary. So glad we get to spend it a million fucking miles away from each other. Just like we’ll be spending Valentine’s Day a million fucking miles away from each other.
I didn’t think it could get harder. I guess I thought I’d be used to this? Nope, looks like the only thing I got used to is seeing you every day for winter break. And now you’re gone, and I feel almost decapitated. Like my brain and my body have nothing to do with each other. I keep showing up at class and forgetting the part where I walked there. Or Kellan will say my name, and then I find out it’s the tenth time he’s said it.
Bram, it’s freaking me out. I feel like it’s not even me in my head. I keep thinking about this email Leah sent me over break (which of course I never replied to, because I’m an asshole). I don’t even know what to say about it, B, but different parts of it keep hitting me out of nowhere. Sorry I’m sitting here basically subtweeting someone else’s email. And being a general mopehead. I’ll stop. I’m stopping now. I’m moving on to something happy. Or sad-happy, I guess.
So I’ve been thinking about what I’d pick for my save point. (By the way, I absolutely remember Nick saying this, and for what it’s worth, you explained it all much more poetically. I’m pretty sure Nick used the word “respawning.”)
Anyway, my first thought was the winter carnival (junior year edition). But then I was like, what about the Publix parking lot? Or senior year homecoming? ☺ Or my birthday. Or Macon. Or last Friday. It’s a LOT. And Bram, you know how I am about choices.
But here’s where I landed: I pick now. Like right here in my dorm room, in my golden retriever pajama pants, emailing you from 117 and 1/2 miles away. Because whether I like it or not, my today brain is the only one that has our whole story. I mean, it’s the exact same reason Deathly Hallows is my desert island book. All the other books are right there tucked away inside it.
Bram, I’ll take every single shitty memory without you, if it means I get to keep the whole nesting doll.
Happy anniversary, B.
Love,
(Here you go, I’m doing this just for you, you dork.)
Jacques
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: FEB 10 AT 7:15 PM
SUBJECT: RE: EVERYTHING GOOD?
Hey! Sorry it took me a second to sit down and write back to this. Just wanted to thank you and Abby again for checking in on me (your voice memo was so freaking cute)! But seriously, I’m totally fine! Just pretty much getting back into the swing of things. Kellan and Grover have been in Annapolis all weekend for early Valentine’s Day, so I’ve had the room to myself! They should be back any minute, though, assuming they weren’t overly haunted by any “ghostly entities” from their bed-and-breakfast. (Okay, but serious question: If the ghostly entity never shows up, does that mean it . . . ghosted them??)
Other than that, it’s just business as usual, and classes are busy but good!! Unfortunately, my enemy from Intro Psych who doesn’t know he’s my enemy is now continuing his reign of terror and misogyny in Research Methods and Stats. But he got his ass handed to him during lab last week by this really soft-spoken nonbinary kid named Skyler, and it was all so beautiful to watch!
Oh my god, Leah, I can’t believe the size of your classes!! I can’t even fathom it. Is it overwhelming going to school with that many people? I wonder about that sometimes. Do you end up mostly running into the same people, or is it just kind of big and sprawling? I guess in a way, it would be like living in a big city or something? I don’t know. I’m just curious. And is it easier since Abby’s there?
But I do feel like I’m finally getting to know people here!! My customs group has been doing lots of game nights lately (they’re really into Taboo—whic
h would be amazing, except I’m SO much better at it when I play with you guys!). And I’m kind of an a cappella groupie now! Not really, I’ve just been helping them with their website, but it’s been so cool, and I’ve gotten to sit in on some of their rehearsals (it’s this all-girl group called the Outskirts, and two of my hallmates are in it, and they’re SO GOOD, Leah. Look them up. They’re on YouTube)!
Not much planned for Valentine’s Day—I think we’re probably just going to eat dinner in our rooms and FaceTime! What about you (i.e., what has Abby talked you into so far)?
Anyway, it was really good to talk to you the other day, and I’m sorry again that I’ve been so off the grid lately!! And tell Abby I’ll reply to her soon, I promise, but also you can share this email with her if you want so she knows I’m fine! Okay, I love and miss you guys a lot!!!!
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: FEB 11 AT 10:04 AM
SUBJECT: FWD: RE: EVERYTHING GOOD?
Yeah, I’m pretty fucking concerned, actually. Like, that is . . . an aggressively upbeat email. And I’m impressed that he managed to use infinity exclamation points, but . . . I’m not really buying the whole everything’s-fine-here schtick?
I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting. Do we think this is just chaotic Simon being chaotic? Or is this chaotic depressed Simon in the midst of an unprecedented downward spiral, the depths of which he is both unable and, for some reason, unwilling to fully communicate?? I swear to god. SIMON, YOU KNOW EVERY WORD TO EVERY GODDAMN ELLIOTT SMITH SONG. How is it this hard for him to talk about sadness?
And he still hasn’t replied to the other email, of course, but it’s not even just that. It’s the fact that he hasn’t even acknowledged it, other than thanking me for handling things with the ride operator. But nothing since then, Abby. He hasn’t even mentioned it in a text. It’s kind of freaking me out. He’s normally so open with me.
Abby, what do we do??
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: FEB 11 AT 10:24 AM
SUBJECT: RE: FWD: RE: EVERYTHING GOOD?
Hold up, getting my fake Word document into position . . . wait for it . . . and . . .
Okay! So yeah, Simon’s definitely NOT giving off the chill vibes he thinks he is, but I also don’t know that we’re in “unprecedented downward spiral” territory? LOL. I think he’s just missing Bram a lot, and maybe trying to distract himself and stay positive. And I guess he’s trying to keep us from worrying about him (and yeah, it probably would have landed better with about twenty fewer exclamation points, but Simon’s pretty exclaim-y in general, don’t you think?).
Love, Creekwood (Simonverse) Page 5
