At least my deranged Guardian Angel was going with the flow.
“Susu, you will be the makeup artist.”
“LOVE IT,” she shrieked. “I will be fabulous.”
“And our names?” The Shelia asked with a lopsided grin so reminiscent of The Kev’s I almost started to cry.
“Well…” I said, pulling my shit back together. “You can pick.”
“I shall be Ellen Degeneres,” Susu announced.
“She’s a real person,” I pointed out.
“I know,” Susu said with her hands clasped together in delight. “I love her so much, I shall take her name.”
“Umm… okay. Susu is now Ellen Degeneres. The Shelia?”
“I’ll just be Shelia. No one there knows me as Shelia. And I won’t forget it.”
“Good thinking,” I said with a nod. “So we go and promote the freaks, find The Kev, and break him out.”
“What if he doesn’t remember you?” The Shelia asked in her logical way.
“Satan said he will.”
“And you believe the Devil?” The Shelia asked, skeptically.
“Don’t really have a choice,” I said, narrowing my eyes at her. “I don’t care if The Kev has lost his memory. He’ll recognize me on some level the same way I will always recognize him. Period.”
The Shelia nodded and lowered her gaze. I was going to give her a pass when all I really wanted to do was zap her ass for being a dick. But I was well aware that she was as worried as I was about The Kev. He was her brother.
“What are you gonna do after you bust The Kev out?” Tiara asked.
“That’s the part I’m going to yank out of my ass,” I explained.
“Gemma’s an excellent ass yanker,” Astrid promised, backing me up like she always had.
“Thank you.”
“No worries,” Astrid replied with a wide grin. “You’re gonna kick boo-tay.”
“Damned right, I am,” I said with far more confidence than I felt. “Oh, and I need everyone to keep their eyes open for a female Fairy with the initials BJ. She’s in trouble and I have something to help her.”
“BJ like blow job?” The Shelia asked.
“Well, yes. But, no. Her name isn’t Blow Job. I don’t actually have a name—just initials.”
“Who in the Hell would name their daughter something with the initials BJ?” Tiara asked with a grunt of laughter.
“Right?” I said with a shake of my head. “Crazy.”
“I like the name Blow Job,” Jane chimed in as Lizard grinned from ear to ear.
“You are a blow job,” Martha snapped and whacked Jane in the back of the head.
Just looking at Martha and Jane in their booty shorts and boob tubes gave me indigestion. I really hoped I’d made the right call here. The asshats were famous in Zanthia for their questionable singing skills. Fairies are tone deaf, for the most part. I was planning on all of that being our ticket in. It was the perfect false pretense.
I just prayed to Astrid’s Uncle God that I was right. Only one way to find out.
“You guys ready?” I asked, feeling butterflies dancing in my stomach.
“Born ready,” The Shelia answered with a grin.
Thank God, she seemed to be on board. I needed her.
“I’m ready, Dirty Diana,” Susu squealed.
“Assbags?” I inquired of the rock stars who were preparing to hump Lizard goodbye.
I didn’t even wait for their answer. I was not going to watch a geriatric Vampyre porno. Ever.
With a snap of my fingers and a quickly blown kiss to Astrid and Tiara, a funnel of gold, silver and pink Fairy dust engulfed the room. I blinked my eyes and felt the air change dramatically. It was now or never.
Let the party begin.
Chapter Eight
“Holy Hell in a heat wave,” I muttered from the bushes on the outskirts of the city where we were hiding. “Zanthia’s awful.”
“Yep,” The Shelia replied, wrinkling her nose in disgust. “It wasn’t always like this.”
“I kinda like the shit hole,” Martha said as Jane nodded in agreement. “Looks like a raging douchenozzle of a dumpster fire. Similar to our performance costumes.”
“Except it’s not assless,” Jane pointed out.
I bit my lip so I wouldn’t insult the shit out of my home or zap the douchewanks for putting a visual of their saggy naked butts in my mind. Zanthia was hideous. Absolute utter chaos. Huge neon billboards blinked ominously in the early dusk. It was loud and dirty and gross—a massive carnival on crack. The air was so polluted that the stars looked hazy in the sky. Awesome.
The city was weird, but the wildlife was flat out bizarre. The terrain surrounding Zanthia was rough. Although, it did have a rugged beauty that the city completely failed to emulate. The foliage we hid in was dense and strange species of animals wandered around eating leaves and occasionally each other. Again, awesome.
“What the fuck?” I choked out as I realized I was squatting right next to a green and orange striped beast that resembled a smallish warthog. It was staring at me with one blue eye and one yellow eye. The odd little creature had sparkling pink tusks and bushy bright green eyebrows. It was as if the thing walked right out of a Dr. Seuss story if Dr. Seuss had gone on a thirty-day bender. He displayed his long slimy fangs and made a little grunting sound. He was either smiling or he was going to take a chunk out of me.
“Awwwwww,” Susu said with a giggle. “He likes you.”
With a swipe of his purple tongue, I now looked like I’d just exited the shower.
“Okaaay,” I said, snapping my fingers and drying myself off. “What is it?”
“A hartwog,” The Shelia said, trying to bite back her laugh as the affectionate little shit kissed me again. “Very rare and they normally don’t interact with people.”
“So what’s the deal with this one?” I asked, gently pushing the beast away before he could kiss me again.
Susu took to the air and landed on the thing’s nose. Hopping around for a minute she chattered away in a language full of little grunts and squeaks. The thing nodded its colorful head and bounced up and down like a happy puppy.
“Unreal,” Susu finally said as she flitted back to my shoulder. “It’s a her, not a him.”
“Sweet Jesus in a tutu,” I said, feeling for the stone around my neck. It tingled and warmed as I touched it and my body felt at peace. “Tell me her initials aren’t BJ.”
“Nope. Her name is Helen, but she prefers to go by Lady Gaga,” Susu informed us as Lady Gaga nodded her colorful head spastically and grunted her approval.
“Well, that’s umm… awesome. Maybe Lady Gaga should go back home. It’s going to get pretty hairy soon,” I said, patting the oddity on the head.
She purred like… umm… a hartwog, and cuddled her bulbous little body right up against mine. Shit. Nuzzling me, she promptly fell asleep.
“Anyone have any ideas here?” I asked, looking down helplessly at the snoring Lady Gaga.
“Here’s the kicker,” Susu whispered so she wouldn’t wake the slumbering little animal. “Lady Gaga is a direct descendant of Joan of Arc.”
“Shut the front door,” I whisper-hissed as I glanced down at the hairy beast. “The Joan of Arc?”
Susu burst into giggles and began to turn flips in the air. She was laughing so hard she was useless.
“Interesting,” The Shelia said, running her hand across Lady Gaga’s soft fur and making direct eye contact with me. “No, not the Joan of Arc—a different one. Does any of that sound familiar to you?”
“No. Should it?” I asked.
“Depends,” The Shelia said, cryptically. “I don’t think I should fill you in on your former life. It could fuck things up.”
“Were we friends, you and I?” I asked, realizing this was the first time I’d actually searched for clues of my former existence.
“We were,” she said haltingly. “But I will tell you no more, Gemma. It has to come t
o you in whatever order it chooses. If I tell you something, it could mess everything up.”
Nodding, I considered what she’d said. I understood it but I didn’t like it. The Kev had basically told me the same thing. The immortal world had the most farked up rules. However, strangely enough the more I pet Lady Gaga, the more familiar the feeling was.
“Joan of Arc was my hartwog,” I blurted out as a little bright light popped inside my head—kind of like an internal flash of a camera. It didn’t hurt at all. It tickled which I took to mean Joan of Arc was a good memory.
The Shelia sighed in relief and gave me a thumbs up. “She was.”
“So I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Lady Gaga is mine as well.”
Lady Gaga opened her sleepy mismatched eyes and grunted her assent. Picking her up and holding her close, I noticed she smelled delightful—like cookies and vanilla ice cream. She might be the oddest looking thing I’d ever seen, but she was growing on me fast—and not like a fungus.
“How does she know me?” I asked. “I look nothing like myself.”
“Your essence,” Susu chimed in still giggling. “She will know you no matter what you look like. Your outsides may change but who you are on the inside is always a constant.”
It was a profound statement from my little nut bag. I tucked it into my brain, feeling it might come in handy.
“Do I dare ask what she eats?” I inquired with a wince, imagining all horrifying things my new pet would ingest.
“She eats pie,” The Shelia said. “Any kind.”
“Good thing I packed a few in my purse—not that I can eat the damned things seeing as I’m dead and all,” Martha announced with pride. “I got apple, cherry, peach, blueberry, pecan, key lime, derby and chess.”
“How big is your freakin’ purse?” I asked as my mouth watered. Pie sounded awesome right now. I had no clue why the dingbat brought food since she couldn’t eat it, but I was happy she did.
“Big enough to hold fifteen pies, six sequined boob tubes, five pairs of booty shorts, black socks, orthopedic shoes, my grundies, my vibrator, some weapons and my assless chaps,” she said with a grin.
Damn it to Hell in a handbasket. There was no way I could eat a pie that had touched the assmonkey’s underpants or Heaven forbid her vibrator. I needed to eat soon. I was starving.
And then I froze. Tough shit if I was hungry. The Kev was rotting in a cell somewhere because of the freaks that were running the carnival called Zanthia. My needs were not a priority here.
“Have they been made aware Martha and Jane are coming to town?” I asked, getting down to business. I really didn’t need any other pets finding me at the moment. I could tell Lady Gaga was going to be a handful. Maybe having her would get me off wanting a baby of my own. The Kev and I had until the end of time to make a little Fairy as long as I was able to bust him out. Hugging Lady Gaga even closer, I kissed the top of her sweet smelling head. She was my baby for now.
“They are,” The Shelia confirmed. “We’ve been booked into the Plaza.”
“Is that a nice hotel?” I asked.
“Define nice,” The Shelia replied with a grimace. “I know it used to be, but I will bet Astrid’s Prada boots that it’s gone downhill.”
“Doesn’t matter. Is it close to the Grand Palace?”
“The Grand Fun Palace,” Susu corrected me. “And it is.”
I couldn’t even control my eye roll. I sure as Hell hoped I hadn’t named it that, but right now I didn’t want the answer. “And we’re guessing that’s where they would hold The Kev?”
“There are cells in the basement of Magic Mystery Castle—not the Grand Fun Palace,” Jane said with a shudder. “They sucked. Astrid couldn’t even break out of them.”
“Who knows the layout of the Grand and the Magic Mystery Castle?” I questioned, cringing at the names.
“I know the layout,” Susu said hesitantly. “But the Grand Fun Palace is filled with secret doors and rooms. Can’t help you there. Only you…”
She faded off and looked down.
All were silent. Shit. I was supposed to know the fucking all the nooks and crannies and I didn’t. But I didn’t recognize Lady Gaga until she was in front of me. Maybe once I was in the Grand Fun Palace and the Magic Mystery Castle everything would come back.
Or not…
“Doesn’t matter. Let’s get to the Plaza and get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a big day. Agenda?” I asked The Shelia.
“We have a tour of the venue, which is in the Grand Fun Palace. The will be several TV interviews for the assbuckets and then a state dinner honoring them.”
“Are you shitting me?” I asked.
“I shit you not. Martha and Jane are truly stars here, as horrifying as that might seem,” The Shelia explained with a shrug.
“Were we just insulted?” Martha grumbled, squinting at The Shelia as her fangs dropped.
“Fuck to the no,” Jane said as she wacked Martha in the head. “Retract your ugly ass canines. She called us stars.”
“My bad,” Martha said as she gut punched her buddy and grabbed her enormous purse. “Let’s do this shit.”
“What about Lady Gaga?” I asked as she happily snored in my arms.
Susu paused in distress and pulled on her now short chestnut brown hair. The Shelia seemed unsure.
“If a hartwog is seen in Zanthia, the Fairies will know the Queen is back. Lady Gaga can’t come,” she said. “It’s too dangerous.”
Looking down at the sleeping beast in my arms, I knew I wasn’t leaving her behind. She was small and I’d already witnessed survival of the fittest in action in Zanthia. If my hartwog got eaten, I would be devastated. She was mine and I believed she found me for a reason. What reason? No clue and I didn’t care. I knew what I needed to do. Period. And in a land where everyone wanted me dead, having an ally was important.
“Jane, how big is your purse?”
“Bigger than the buttmuncher Martha’s,” she replied proudly.
“Is it full?”
“No, I was planning on getting souvenirs so I packed light. I’m gonna perform naked anyway so I didn’t need much,” she explained in all seriousness.
Normally I would have zapped her ass for planting such a horrifying picture in my head. Today, I was grateful—very grateful.
“Got room for a sleeping hartwog in your bag?” I inquired.
Jane’s grin grew wide. “I most certainly fucking do, Dairy Queen. Gimme that beautiful baby. I’ll decapitate any buttplug faced wankmaggot who tries to mess with the little gal. You have my undead word on that.”
“Mine too,” Martha added. “I will titty twist the life out of any Fairy bee-otch that touches that sweet baby.”
“What if it’s a Fairy man?” Jane questioned.
“Is he gay?” Martha inquired, getting her facts straight.
“All male Fairies are gay,” Jane reminded her with a slap to her head. “You already know that.”
“Right. My bad. It’s simple,” Martha said with a smirk. “I’ll lop a Fairy pecker off with a dull butter knife. I have seven in my purse.”
“Peckers?” The Shelia gasped, appalled.
“Naw,” Martha said, slapping The Shelia on the back and sending her lurching forward into the bushes. “Dull butter knives. Also have some throwing stars and daggers. My aim sucks ass so if I use ‘em, duck.”
“And I’ll eat them,” Susu added, not to be outdone by the old bags.
“The peckers?” The Shelia choked out in fear.
“No,” Susu said with a giggle. “The buttplug faced wankmaggots.”
“Umm… this conversation is over,” I said, swallowing back my need to hurl. Martha and Jane didn’t even need to utter the words to make my stomach queasy. They just had to talk. I was going to correct them on their male Fairy theory, but that could take weeks—or a lobotomy. “We need to move it.”
“Roger that, Dirty Diana,” Martha said with a salute.
With gentleness I was unaware they had, Jane and Martha put my snoring baby hartwog into Jane’s enormous purse. They had just earned many points with me. Their language was appalling, but there was something about them that was inherently good. I now knew why Astrid had saved their bony asses.
I shook my head and smiled. Martha and Jane were now under my protection umbrella too. Nothing could happen to any of my little ragtag army. And if it did?
There would be Hell to pay.
Chapter Nine
The Plaza sucked ass.
The atmosphere was tense and the sheer amount of magic surrounding us was absurd. Martha and Jane didn’t give a rat’s ass about the danger if their insane behavior was anything to go by. Crapcrapcrap. I was beginning to think I needed a plan B that didn’t include the undead idiots.
Four male Fairies—The Reggie, The Gus, The Henry and The Bob—weren’t quite sure what to make of the power in the room—or me. I could change my face, but obviously not the level of my magic. The Fairies were wary and on guard which was not a good combo and potentially deadly if they were on Team The Ned. However, they were completely besotted with Martha and Jane, which was why the old bags’ antics were about to make me blow something up. My fingers literally itched with the need to get rid of the Fairies and smack some sense into the two maniac Vamps.
“Don’t do anything,” Susu hissed in my head.
“Why? The boob tube wearing assmonkeys are going to get us removed from Zanthia at the rate they’re going.”
“Nope. I’m actually impressed,” Susu replied. “And trust me. No one will remove Martha and Jane from Zanthia. Ever.”
“You’re impressed with the imbecile act?” I snapped, watching the male Fairies’ every move just like they were watching mine.
“Call me cray-cray, but I’m pretty sure Martha and Jane are working a strategic deflection-demolition tactic.”
“That would mean they have brains,” I shot back wondering if the dumbasses had truly noticed that I was a Fairy Queen on the edge ready to eliminate the enemy.
“Yep. The buttbags have been holding out on us,” Susu said with a giggle. “Just let them go.”
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