by Nicola Gill
‘NO!’ Billy said, as Josh took the red Ferrari and started to chew it appreciatively. ‘MUMMY! MUMMY! JOSH IS EATING MY FERRARI!’
Laura wrestled the toy car from Josh’s surprisingly firm grip, at which point he promptly burst into tears.
‘Eww,’ Billy said, taking the car out of her hand. ‘It’s all spitty.’
‘Just give it a little wipe,’ Laura said, picking Josh up and jiggling him up and down. ‘Do you have a toy car you don’t mind Josh playing with?’
‘Playing with or eating?’
Josh’s yells were getting ever-more furious.
‘Either,’ Laura said. Wait, were toy cars even safe for a toddler to chew on? Probably not. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said to Billy, taking Josh into the kitchen and getting him a biscuit. The crying stopped instantly as he took it from her and jammed it into his mouth.
‘Can I have a biscuit too?’ Billy said.
Laura didn’t really want Billy to have a biscuit because he was going to have his dinner soon, but what could she say?
‘They’re Joshy’s favourite biscuits,’ Billy said. ‘The ones with the cows on.’
Laura nodded. She’d popped a packet in her supermarket trolley the other day without even thinking about it. Because Josh really was here a lot now.
She put him back down on the floor next to Billy and went back to looking for the reading record.
‘I’m going to play with the marble run now,’ Billy said.
‘Good id—’ Laura hesitated. ‘Actually, I’m not sure you should. If Josh puts a marble in his mouth, he could choke.’
‘Ohh,’ Billy said, his lower lip trembling.
Laura felt torn. Billy had been so fragile since Jon had moved out and, although it was her responsibility to keep Josh safe, she didn’t really want to burden a five-year-old with that. ‘You can play with the marble run in your bedroom if you like?’
‘Yay!’ Billy said, running off.
The sudden disappearance of his playmate made Josh start to whinge. Laura sat on the floor and did peekaboo with him. She tried not to think about the fact that she was exhausted from a long day at work and she still had to find the reading record and cook Billy’s dinner. And she absolutely wouldn’t think about the fact that if Amy said she’d be gone for an hour it was pretty much always closer to two hours. Or that Amy had been a tad too dismissive when Laura had mentioned her panic attacks (‘my brother has those all the time’) and had barely mentioned Evie’s death since the day of the funeral (Laura might not deem herself deserving of sympathy but Amy had no way of knowing that).
Josh had plonked himself on her lap. He was a gorgeous little boy. Laura kissed the top of his head. It was her pleasure to look after him. Of course it was.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Laura’s phone pinged with a message from Jess: Ben is working late and I have enough chicken to feed the 5000. Wondered if you and Billy wanted to join us for an early supper?
Laura had had an exhausting day at work magicking up four pages out of nowhere because the sales team hadn’t sold all their pages (again). The thought of going home to rustle up supper for an angry five-year-old wasn’t that appealing – especially since she didn’t have anything in and would have to stop at the supermarket. She messaged back saying Yes please.
Jon and Billy were lining up cars on the sitting-room floor.
‘Hey,’ she said.
‘Hey,’ they both chorused, not looking up from the game.
Laura tried not to think about the fact that normally when she got home from work Billy hurled himself into her arms shouting ‘Mummyyyyyyyy!’ Not the last couple of weeks though.
Jon stood up, ruffling Billy’s hair. ‘I’ve got to get going, mate.’
Yup, Laura thought, those pints don’t sink themselves.
‘Aww!’ Billy said, lower lip trembling.
‘We’re going to see Auntie Jess and Lola and Hannah,’ Laura said.
Billy’s face split into a grin. ‘Yay!’
‘You seem to be seeing quite a lot of your sister,’ Jon said as he was about to leave.
Laura shrugged. She knew Jon wanted her to roll her eyes and say, ‘Yeah, too much,’ but somehow she just couldn’t bring herself to. ‘Not really. Anyway, see you tomorrow.’ She shut the door and was amazed to see Billy behind her with his shoes and coat on. He really did like seeing his cousins.
On the bus, she tried to ask him about his day at school but got monosyllabic answers. ‘Did you do your reading with Daddy?’
Billy shook his head. ‘We was playing.’
‘We were playing,’ Laura said. She fought a prickle of irritation about the reading. She had specifically reminded Jon about doing it with Billy. Now she’d have to get Billy to read when they got home from Jess’ and he would be tired and even less keen than usual.
Weirdly, Jess looked almost as knackered as Laura felt. Still immaculate in a natty little jumpsuit, but pale, with dark circles under her eyes. And she seemed slightly on edge too. When Laura had casually picked up a bottle of perfume that was sitting on the kitchen table, Jess had launched into an impassioned diatribe about how she didn’t know why a PR company had sent it to her or, more importantly, why anyone would call a perfume Secrets. What a terrible name! She hated the bullshit idea that secrets were fun and exciting when in truth they were normally grubby and sad. Secrets ate you up from the inside like a cancer.
‘I take it you’re not mad about the name then?’ Laura said.
Jess smiled tightly.
‘You okay?’ Laura said.
‘Yeah, just a bit tired. And I’ve just been replying to some of the less than lovely comments on my site. People can be so mean.’
Laura thought about MsRealityCheck and felt a knife-twist of guilt.
‘Mummy,’ Lola said, bursting into the kitchen. ‘I can’t find my Nintendo Switch.’
‘That’s weird,’ Jess said. ‘Have you looked in the cupboard in the sitting room?’
Lola nodded. ‘I’ve looked everywhere. And I had it. Just before Auntie Laura and Billy got here. I asked Billy if he knew where it was and he said he had no idea.’
Laura stared at her niece. Was she saying what Laura thought she was saying? No, she couldn’t be.
Jess said she’d have a look and disappeared upstairs, leaving Laura sitting at the island unit with her heart thudding. She was being ridiculous. Lola hadn’t accused Billy of anything.
‘Well, that’s a mystery,’ Jess said, coming back downstairs. ‘It’s nowhere to be found.’
‘Excuse me a minute,’ Laura said. She raced upstairs and told Billy she needed a quick word with him. She took him into the bathroom and closed the door. ‘Lola has lost her Switch,’ she said. ‘I don’t suppose you know where it is?’
‘I didn’t take it!’ Billy said hotly.
‘No. Of course you didn’t,’ Laura replied, stroking his arm.
She went back downstairs. ‘Does Lola think Billy took her Switch?’ she blurted.
Jess stared at her. ‘No, of course not. What a thing to say!’
Laura felt instantly ashamed. She was struggling to breathe normally too. She was going to have a panic attack at this rate. ‘I was just asking.’
Jess rolled her eyes.
Laura wished she hadn’t come over here tonight. Suddenly traipsing around the aisles of Tesco Express and cooking a bit of pasta didn’t seem like such hard work after all.
Chapter Fifty
‘Maybe you should put Billy to bed a little earlier?’ Jess said.
Laura gripped the water jug she was carrying a bit harder. ‘What does that mean?’
‘It doesn’t mean anything,’ Jess said, putting a glass in the dishwasher. ‘Just that he seems tired tonight.’
Laura’s heart thudded against the wall of her chest. She knew exactly what ‘tired’ meant. At dinner, there had still been a bit of a hangover from the Switch incident. To exacerbate matters further, Billy wasn’t exactly at his best
. He’d pushed his chicken around his plate, saying it tasted ‘funny’, and refused to eat his broccoli. ‘You like trees,’ she’d told him. ‘I don’t call them trees anymore. I’m not a baby!’ Then Hannah said broccoli was her favourite food and he called her a stupid doofus – said her new haircut made her look like a baby, too.
Jess was stacking the plates in serried ranks. Perhaps when you were StyleMaven, it wasn’t enough for your kitchen to look like a show home kitchen on the outside and everything had to be perfect behind closed doors too?
Laura knew she shouldn’t get into a row with Jess. That it would be better to just let the comment go, just as she had when Jess had said Billy couldn’t have any ice cream because he hadn’t eaten his dinner (like she – his mother – wasn’t sitting right there). She couldn’t help herself though. ‘He is only five.’
Jess stopped what she was doing, stared at her. ‘You’re overreacting.’
Overreacting? That was what her mother always used to accuse her of. You’re upset I embarrassed you in front of all your school friends? You’re overreacting. You’re hurt because I told you that graduating in Media and Journalism wasn’t a ‘proper’ graduation? You’re overreacting. You don’t like the fact I phoned you while my grandson was in hospital and all I talked about was a row I’d had with my new boyfriend. You’re overreacting.
‘You were having a go at Billy’s behaviour tonight. At least have the guts to admit that.’
Jess rolled her eyes. ‘For God’s sake, Laura. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.’
That was another of her mother’s classics! ‘Fine. We’ll just go.’ Laura picked up her handbag from the sofa and stepped towards the door.
‘What? No!’
Laura stared at the big American-style stainless-steel fridge freezer that was covered with various certificates the girls had earned: Grade 3 Oboe, Winner of the Mental Maths competition, Karate, 7th Dan …
She was well aware that her sister had helped her out a lot recently, from constantly looking after Billy, to lending her money when she was a bit short on her rent, to picking her up from hospital that day she had the panic attack. But the trouble was, Jess’ favours always came with strings attached.
When they were teenagers, Laura had been desperate for Jess to take her to James Dunlop’s party with her, and after endless nagging Jess finally gave in. Though in the days leading up to the party, she’d acted like Laura was her slave: Make me a cup of tea, would you? Grab my folder from upstairs. Could you do the drying as well as the washing tonight? It’s just I’ve got so much homework.
More recently, Laura knew that Jess had done all the heavy lifting with their mother’s care. She was the one who drove Evie to the oncologist, held her hand when she was having chemo. She was the one who found the hospice. But all this came at a price because Jess and Evie then made it quite clear to Laura that she didn’t get much say over any decisions. She was the understudy child.
So Laura was damned if she was going to let Jess criticize Billy just because she’d been good to them recently. ‘I’m well aware that Billy wasn’t at his best tonight, but as I said, he’s only five.’
Jess sighed. ‘I just said he seemed tired.’
‘He has been through a lot recently. His whole world has imploded.’
‘I know.’
‘So maybe you could cut him just a little slack?’
‘What’s wrong with you? I just said he seemed tired …’
Laura shook her head. ‘What’s wrong is that you were calling my five-year-old son out on his bratty behaviour at dinner.’ She could take her sister constantly taking a pop at Jon: You’ve got to start getting him to give you child support. It’s about time he took his responsibilities a bit more seriously. She could stomach her sister sniping at her: If you want to lose weight, then why do you keep eating biscuits. It’s easy to kid ourselves about portion sizes. But Billy was NOT fair game. ‘Not every child can be unnaturally perfect,’ she continued.
Jess’ face changed. ‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’
Laura knew she had steered them into choppy waters and she should row back as fast as she could. Their dad had always warned that words were dangerous and they should be used carefully (ironic, considering he’d married a woman with a tongue that could cut you to shreds). So Laura knew she shouldn’t say anything more but somehow she was just too angry to stop herself. ‘Don’t you sometimes worry that Lola and Hannah are almost too well-behaved? That they don’t behave like actual children?’
Jess was staring at her. ‘That’s ridiculous.’
‘Is it? Or are they just your little mini-mes, frightened to be anything but perfect?’
Jess turned away from her as she said, ‘We’re not doing this,’ but that only stoked Laura’s fury. Everything was always on Jess’ terms.
‘It’s weird for a child to say broccoli is her favourite food,’ Laura spat.
Jess spun back round. A vein was pulsing in her forehead. ‘Stop it! Please.’
‘And, as for Lola, well, she definitely was accusing Billy of stealing her stupid Switch—’
‘No, she wasn’t.’
Laura waved Jess’ comments away. ‘Yes, she was. Which is just typical of her. She acts like she’s forty-five, not ten. All spookily adult and controlling. She’s going to end up with an eating disorder or something.’
Jess blanched and Laura knew she’d gone too far. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I think you should go.’
Chapter Fifty-One
Laura sat on the sofa with her laptop balanced on her knees. The child who lived next door had started his nightly violin practice and – although Laura very much wanted to be supportive of a young person playing an instrument – goodness, it was difficult when the sound was that bad. Especially since it seemed like there was nearly always some child in her neighbourhood hammering away at some poor instrument – the perils, she supposed, of living in Dulwich.
Laura stared at her laptop screen. She had no idea why she’d found herself on Jess’ site. God knows she’d had quite enough of her sister for one evening. And yet when she’d seen an Instagram post about The Homewear Brand You Need to Check Out Now she’d somehow found herself clicking. Yup, that was how shallow Laura was: She wanted nothing to do with Jess … unless Jess was talking about cushions.
Now Laura found herself moving on from soft furnishings and mindlessly skimming articles: Lady in Red: How to Wear the Colour of the Season; Seven Smart Storage Solutions; The Versatile Dress Edit …
And then Laura came across Jess’ article about losing a parent. She knew Jess had written it but she had avoided reading it up until now.
Recently I lost my mum, Jess started. And, although it’s painful for me, I wanted to talk about it here because death is such a taboo. Back in Victorian times, no one talked about sex in polite company but people were quite open about death. Now the opposite is true. And yet death is one of life’s certainties …
Laura read on and, while she couldn’t exactly disagree with anything Jess said – it all being so bloody obvious there was nothing to disagree with – the tone of it really got up her nose. Jess just made everything sound so easy, as if bereavement was simply another item that could be effortlessly ticked off her to-do list.
You have to work through bereavement, Jess trilled.
Or maybe it works through you, Laura thought, digging her nails into her palms.
Laura read on as Jess advised people to continue to talk to their lost loved ones as if they were sitting right next to you in a chair.
Oh, please, Laura thought. What if you knew your lost loved one would be sitting there telling you looked like you’d put on a few pounds? She kept reading, the anger fizzing in her belly as the article became increasingly full of gluey sentimentality and schmaltz.
How dare Jess talk about grief in such a reductive way? Where was the truth? The mention of rage, relief, confusion and other unacceptable feelings.
MsRealityCheck reared her ugly head in Laura’s consciousness. The last time Laura had been tempted to post as the keyboard warrior, she had been stopped in her tracks by a wave of self-disgust. What had come over her when she decided to create the fake account and why had she thought it was okay to send her sister those messages? One thing was for sure, whatever guff she’d come up with about helping Jess to be more self-aware was nonsense. The truth was Laura would be very ashamed if anyone found out what she was doing. Even Jon, who was not exactly her sister’s biggest fan. Laura had resolved that she would put her previous posts down to her being all over the place about her mother’s death (hmm) and NEVER post as MsRealityCheck again.
So why were her fingers hovering over the keyboard right now? And why were all kinds of snarky comments racing through her mind?
Laura started typing as MsRealityCheck. Then she stopped. Was this just about her earlier row with Jess? She didn’t like to think of herself as (quite) that small.
But Laura’s desire to leave a comment now wasn’t about their row. Jess’ grief article had provoked a visceral reaction in Laura. Someone needed to tell Jess not to trivialize grief or make it sound easy, because there would be people out there who were totally unmoored. People who didn’t need to be made to feel even worse. Laura had written plenty of anodyne articles in her time – she wrote for Natter for goodness’ sake – but she liked to think she would have tackled something as important as this with a little more honesty. Death stinks.
Laura started typing as MsRealityCheck. Death might well be a taboo but do you really think your site is the place to tackle it? For me, it makes an unhappy bedfellow with articles about how to wear red and homeware brands.
And then Laura posted the comment before she could change her mind.
Chapter Fifty-Two
Laura thought a lot about apologizing to Jess. She couldn’t make amends for her latest outing as MsRealityCheck, of course, even if she did feel horrible about it (the arguments she’d used to justify it to herself at the time seeming less and less valid by the minute). But Laura could say sorry for how she’d behaved in person.
