by Nicola Gill
‘He’s not like Hannah and Lola,’ Evie said. ‘They can keep themselves entertained for hours.’
Laura bristled. ‘They are considerably older.’
Evie shrugged, took a sip of tea.
Laura knew she should leave it but she could feel the heat rising up her chest. When it came to her mother’s approval, she felt like a hamster on its wheel, running faster and faster but getting nowhere. ‘I just don’t know why you’d say a thing like that.’
Evie snorted. ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake! You’re overreacting.’
Was she? She swallowed hard. But her mother was comparing Billy to Jess’ girls just like she had compared Laura and Jess all these years. And it wasn’t right.
Her mother was talking about the new butchers that had opened on the high street. On a Saturday, there was a queue snaking all the way down the road. Ridiculous, people queueing for a few chops – like it was wartime!
Laura was still trying to squash down the rage that was fizzing inside her. Move on, she told herself. It was nothing.
She looked at Billy, his tiny head bent over his diplodocus, whispering to it. She loved him with a ferocity that was all-consuming. Did her mother love her like that? Or even Jess? Laura didn’t think she did. With Evie, love was something transactional, earned. It could be given but it could just as quickly be taken away.
Laura’s heart pounded and her fists clenched.
She jumped up and starting stuffing dinosaurs into Billy’s backpack, ignoring his protests. It was time to go, she said.
‘We’ve only just got here,’ Billy said.
‘You’re being ridiculous,’ Evie said.
Laura looked at her mother. She didn’t know if she was being ridiculous or not.
But she did know she was leaving.
Chapter Sixty-Four
Dear Laura,
I’ve seen an ad for a job that sounds absolutely perfect for me. It’s a much more interesting role than my current one, the salary is better and there is more chance of promotion. Realistically though, I reckon I’ve got zero chance of getting it. Which is why I haven’t applied for it. The trouble is, I made the mistake of mentioning the job to my mum and she keeps nagging me saying it’s at least worth a try. To be honest, I’m almost tempted to pretend I’ve applied just to shut her up! Please tell me what I should do.
Laura sat back in her chair. This was the weirdest timing ever because only last night she had seen that the job at Inlustris had been re-posted. She had been hit by a tidal wave of optimism – this is fate! The job was waiting for me! – and filled in the application form immediately. But then that optimism had started to seep away like a deflating balloon. Just because the job was being re-advertised didn’t mean to say she’d get it.
‘Every time I come over here, you’re working on Dear Laura,’ Elaine said, appearing noiselessly beside Laura.
Laura minimized her email. She loathed people reading over her shoulder and she wasn’t mad keen on being told how much time she should and shouldn’t spend on her various pages. ‘What can I do for you?’
Elaine sighed heavily as she presented Laura with her piece on someone who was about to get married for the seventh time, which was covered in red pen. ‘There are a lot of mistakes in this. Also, would you like me to explain the difference between “t-h-e-y-apostrophe-r-e” and “t-h-e-i-r”?’
Laura could feel herself starting to flush. The office, which was normally noisy, suddenly seemed quiet. Greta had stopped telling Oli that takeaway coffee cups actually weren’t recyclable, Charlotte and Lisa suddenly didn’t seem quite so interested in ‘Celebrity Style Fails’ and even the sales team were unusually subdued. ‘I do know the difference.’
Laura wanted to say that not only was her personal life something of a car crash, but also she’d been working under a ridiculous amount of pressure, and she wasn’t surprised she was making mistakes – frankly, anything less than dropping dead at her keyboard should be considered a triumph. But she thought she might come across as just a tad defensive. She took the heavily marked-up article back from Elaine and smiled sweetly. ‘I’ll sort it out.’
As Elaine walked away, Laura got a DM from Amy. Someone needs to buy her a ten-inch dildo.
Laura laughed, sent Amy a wink emoji and turned her attention back to replying to Faye from Colchester.
I hope you won’t mind but I’m going to agree with your mum here! The thing is, while you might not have a great chance of getting this new job, you’ve got everything to gain and nothing to lose …
Laura hesitated thinking about her unsent application form for the job at Inlustris. Her advice to Faye could just as easily be levelled at her. Except Inlustris were re-posting the same job, which was surely a bit dodgy? Without thinking too much about it she typed out a quick message to Ruth her old friend from uni who now worked in HR asking her if it was weird for the same job to be re-advertised. Ruth replied immediately. No, it happens all the time. Either they didn’t think the applicant pool was strong enough the first time around or they offered it to someone and then it all fell through. x
Laura’s heart was thumping. Was this her second chance? Could she possibly get this job?
She pushed the thought to the back of her mind. Right now her actual job was replying to Faye from Colchester. Elaine was probably right that she spent too long on Dear Laura (not that it was her place to say so) and Laura knew Dani would be appalled and bemused if she knew the trouble Laura took over it, but she liked to think that, in some small way, she was helping people. Often, the problems were more complex than Faye’s, which meant Laura might not be able to completely solve them but she could at least offer some kind words, signpost some organizations where experts actually did know what they’re talking about, and make people feel heard. Her mind flashed back to when, at the age of twelve, she’d wanted to be a counsellor. This wasn’t as good as that, of course, but it was something.
… Plus, did you know that women tend to undervalue themselves and not apply for new roles that they’re actually very well-qualified for?
As Laura’s hands were flying across the keyboard, she suddenly stopped short, picturing her own unsent application form again. Shouldn’t she be taking her own advice now?
She thought about her words to Faye: you’ve got everything to gain and nothing to lose.
But then, maybe this was a classic case of do what I say, not what I do.
Chapter Sixty-Five
Laura stared at the small blue-and-red console.
She had been trying to find Billy’s Spider-Man pyjamas, wading through the overstuffed drawers in his bedroom when her hand alighted on it, hidden amongst a tangle of small clothing.
Laura took a step back, her bare foot landing on a Lego brick. This room was a mess! Her life was a mess!
‘Billy,’ she called out. ‘Can you come here please?’
‘I’m watching Trolls.’
‘Come. Here. Now.’
‘What?’ Billy said, appearing in the doorway, looking grumpy. Then he looked down and saw the console and his face fell.
‘You took Lola’s Switch,’ Laura said.
Billy stared at his feet.
The music from the TV chirruped away in the background.
‘Mummy asked you if you took it and you said no.’
Billy lifted his head. ‘They’ve got two!’ His voice was defiant but his eyes had filled with tears.
‘Excuse me?’
‘Lola and Hannah have got two Nintendo Switches and I haven’t got one. It’s not fair!’
Laura’s head spun. First she had found out that Billy was hitting someone and now that he was stealing. Her mother’s voice barged unbidden into her head: That child is out of control!
Sod off! Laura said to her mother in her head. She looked at Billy. ‘It’s not right to take things that aren’t yours. You know that.’
He nodded, his whole body suddenly seeming to sag. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, bursting into tears.
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Laura pulled him into her arms. ‘Why did you lie to Mummy? We’ve talked so much about how important it is to own up to things.’
‘But owning up is hard,’ Billy said, his voice cracking.
Laura hugged him tighter. She ought to make him take the Switch back to Lola immediately, but it was late and Lola and Hannah were probably already tucked up in bed. Jess and Ben would be curled up together in front of a movie, their Sunday-night ritual. Laura pictured the idyllic scene – a perfect family in their perfect home – and tried to squash down her feelings of inadequacy.
She would take the Switch back tomorrow. She would make Billy say sorry to Lola. And she would apologize to Jess.
It was about time.
Chapter Sixty-Six
As soon as Laura saw Jess she knew something was terribly wrong. She’d been talking to Georgie the super-keen and super-annoying intern, when she got the message. Have you got ten minutes? I’m downstairs.
She got into the lift. Why was Jess here? And right at the beginning of the working day. It was like she had some kind of sixth sense about the bloody Nintendo Switch and had arrived to demand Laura’s grovelling apology (jeez, Laura thought, give me a chance. I was planning on coming over after work).
And then she saw Jess. Pacing around reception. Ashen faced.
‘What’s up?’
‘Not here.’
Laura steered Jess towards the nearest café, pressed her gently into a chair.
‘I’ve found a lump in my breast.’
Laura reeled. She didn’t know what she’d been expecting but it wasn’t this. Voices shouted over one another in her head. I should have apologized after our row. Preena at grief group had a sister who died. I’m going to lose my sister just like I lost Dad and Mum.
Her biggest worries this morning had been Billy having taken Lola’s Switch, whether Jon would be on time to pick up Billy, and if she’d manage to get an interview with the sex-addict. Now none of those things seemed important.
‘What can I get you?’ said a hard-faced waitress with frizzy hair who had appeared at their table.
Laura wanted to scream at her to go away but she mumbled something about two coffees. Jess didn’t even drink coffee but in the moment Laura completely forgot. Normally, Jess would have jumped in, said she couldn’t stand coffee, that it stained your teeth and gave you breath that smelled like dog poo. But today she didn’t say a word.
Laura reached over and took her sister’s hand. ‘Most breast lumps aren’t anything to worry about.’
Jess’ eyes filled with tears. ‘But … Mum.’
‘I know.’ Laura squeezed her hand. The café smelled of stale oil and cheap air freshener. ‘Have you booked a doctor’s appointment?’
‘I haven’t done anything. I found the lump and came here.’
‘Were you in the shower?’
Jess shook her head. ‘Just doing a routine breast examination.’
She actually did routine breast examinations? Well, of course she did, she was Jess. ‘That’s good. It means the lump can’t have been there that long.’
‘Maybe. I think I forgot to do it last month. Anyway, things can happen very fast. As we know.’
The waitress slapped two mugs of coffee down on the table and their surfaces quivered.
‘Does Ben know?’
Jess shook her head. ‘He left for a business trip to the States this morning. He’s gone for ten days.’ She’d started to cry now. ‘He’s going to be away for Easter.’
Laura stroked her arm. ‘Listen, you’re going to be absolutely fine. Now give me your GP’s telephone number and we’ll make an appointment.’
Jess sat there, motionless. Laura could almost see the thoughts that were swirling round in her head: This lump wasn’t innocent. It was going to be like their mum’s. She wasn’t going to see her daughters grow up.
‘The GP’s number …’ Laura said gently.
Jess moved her arms as if they were made of lead. She picked up her phone and found the number. ‘Will you talk to them?’ she said, handing Laura the phone.
Naturally the receptionist was one of the Rottweiler types. There were no appointments today. Try again tomorrow.
Laura lowered her voice, told the woman on the other end that her sister had discovered a lump in her breast and that she needed to see someone today.
Silence buzzed down the line.
‘Our mother died twelve and a half weeks ago. Of breast cancer.’
‘Could your sister come at two o’clock?’
Laura said she could. ‘Okay,’ she said to Jess, after hanging up. ‘I’ve got you an appointment.’
Jess nodded.
‘It’s. Going. To. Be. Fine.’ She wished she felt half as bullish as she was trying to sound.
Chapter Sixty-Seven
Laura and Jess had swapped roles. Jess was all over the place, forgetting a shoot that had been arranged at her house that lunchtime. Laura spoke to Jacob the irate photographer, soothed and calmed and rescheduled for another day. She arranged for the girls to be picked up from school by a friend’s mum (just in case she and Jess got delayed at the doctor’s) and made Jess eat some lunch despite her protestations that she wasn’t hungry.
Now they were sitting in the GP’s waiting room, a modern, airy space that was all self-check-in and blonde wood; cool, corporate.
‘I feel bad about you taking the day off work,’ Jess said for about the thousandth time. ‘I could have come on my own.’
‘Don’t be silly. It’s fine.’ She’d decided to just tell Dani the truth and Dani had told her to go immediately. ‘Don’t worry about work.’ Laura knew ‘don’t worry’ meant ‘do it tonight instead’, but she was still inordinately grateful.
Laura stared at her sister’s leopard print skirt until the pattern started to blur before her eyes. She glanced at her watch and was surprised to see it was only ten past two. She felt like they’d been sitting in this waiting room for hours. And that it had been a lifetime since she’d discovered that Billy had actually taken Lola’s game console, and an eternity since Jess saying Billy looked tired felt like a big deal.
‘It’s probably nothing,’ Jess said. ‘A cyst or something.’
‘Yeah, drama queen!’
Jess tried to smile but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
A GP called Jess’ name.
‘Come in with me?’ Jess said to Laura.
The two of them sat side by side on plastic chairs. Laura sized up the GP; decided she was kind-looking (good), rushed (bad) and quite old (good).
Jess explained she had found a lump.
‘Most breast lumps are nothing to worry about,’ said the GP. They went through a few questions; size and location of the lump, family history. Laura tried not to scrutinize the doctor’s expression when Jess told her their mum had died of breast cancer.
A baby was crying in the distance.
‘Okay, let’s take a look.’ The GP ushered Jess behind the curtains and told her to strip to the waist. Tapped away on her computer while Laura stared at her, willing her to say everything was okay. Like that was her decision.
‘Ready,’ Jess said from behind the curtain.
Laura sat the other side, listening to the doctor talking about how her hands might be a bit cold. She kept thinking about Preena from grief group. But Preena’s mum and dad were still alive. Laura couldn’t lose Jess as well as her parents. That just wouldn’t be fair.
Besides, Jess couldn’t get cancer. She ran five times a week, ate organic food, drank two glasses of wine on a big night out.
The baby was screaming now. Laura supposed he or she must be getting an injection. At least she hoped that was all it was.
Jess and the doctor emerged from behind the curtain, Jess buttoning her shirt.
‘I don’t think there’s anything to worry about,’ the GP said.
Think.
‘But I’m going to make an urgent referral to the breast clinic just to be on the
safe side.’
Urgent referral.
Jess made a tiny, almost imperceptible gasp.
The doctor smoothed a stray piece of hair away from her forehead. ‘I really don’t want you to worry.’
Was there anything more worrying than being told not to worry?
Chapter Sixty-Eight
Then
Jess wasn’t in the habit of turning up at Laura’s flat unannounced, so Laura was surprised to see her at the door. She was also a bit embarrassed about how messy the flat was and couldn’t help picturing Jess’ oh-so-perfect home. But not everyone has the time to arrange their cookbooks in alphabetical order or make sure all their tins of baked beans are facing in the right direction. A couple of years ago, Jess had given up her job as a management consultant to concentrate on her StyleMaven blog, and nobody could convince Laura that that was a full-time job.
The pair of them picked their way across the elaborate train track that Jon and Billy had built a week or so ago, a car alarm starting in the distance.
‘It’s Mum,’ Jess said, as soon as they got into the kitchen.
Laura steeled herself to be tough. She’d recently interviewed a woman who had ‘divorced’ her parents and, while Laura had known that she didn’t have it in her to be quite that ruthless, she’d also known how much happier and lighter she’d felt over the last three months. She deserved a holiday from her mother, at the very least. ‘Look, Jess,’ she said, ‘I appreciate you trying to help, but as I’ve told you countless times, I really don’t want to speak to Mum right now—’
‘Laura,’ Jess cut in.
Laura held up her hand. She knew exactly what her sister was going to say: Mum is happy to put everything that’s happened behind her; aka, all is forgiven. Laura’s younger self would have been meek and grateful, but as she’d got older she found it all a bit more complicated (but do I forgive her?). She would find herself stiffening when her mother doled out a hug. ‘Oh, you’re a cold one,’ Evie would say.
