by Nicola Gill
Jon scooped him up and blew a raspberry on his bare tummy. ‘Then we’re just going to have to do something even more fun, aren’t we?’
They retrieved Billy’s bike and Jon’s scooter from the railings and Laura’s mind flashed back to Jess’ comment: A grown man who rides a scooter!
Billy was still looking mutinous. ‘I don’t want to do bike-riding.’
‘Oh no?’ Jon said, raising his eyebrows.
‘No.’
‘Okay, how about being a bat?’
Billy’s nose crinkled. ‘A bat?’
Jon tipped him upside down so he was hanging from his feet. ‘Yes, a bat. An upside-down bat.’
Despite himself Billy started giggling. ‘You’re silly, Daddy.’
Laura smiled. Whatever else Jon was or wasn’t, he was great with kids. Perhaps because it wasn’t too hard for him to get into their heads.
Chapter Seventy-Seven
Laura retched over the toilet bowl, her body not seeming to have got the message that there was nothing more left in her stomach.
Finally she sat back, leaning, sweaty and shaky, against the bathroom wall.
Jess was on the verge of finding out about MsRealityCheck. Finding out that Laura was such a mean-spirited, jealous little person that she felt compelled to create an anonymous account and leave nasty, spiteful comments for her own sister.
Jess had phoned Laura sounding tearful. For a second, Laura wondered if Jess had ignored her advice and confessed to Ben about the affair. Or worse still, there had been some mix up at the hospital and Jess’ breast lump actually was cancer after all.
‘The troll sent a picture of my house on Google Street View,’ Jess said. ‘He said he knows where I live and aren’t I stupid.’
Laura gasped. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘Ben’s found this company called Unmask,’ Jess said. ‘I wasn’t even going to tell him at first because … well, you know why.’
‘Jess,’ Laura said. ‘Stop with the hair-shirt thing. It’s not helpful.’
‘And then I realized I had to tell him because what if this guy turns up at the house …’ She started sobbing down the phone. ‘… The girls! What if he hurts the girls? Anyway, I told Ben and he was adamant we have to do something and we have to do it now. We’ve reported it to the police but Ben says that’s not enough. That he wants to find this guy and stop him hiding behind the safety of his computer. That’s what Unmask do.’
‘They find people’s IP addresses?’
‘Not just that. They use a combination of high-tech stuff and good-old fashioned detective work. They find out who this person’s online friends are, look at their most frequented sites: basically, they follow all their digital footprints.’
Laura’s hands had gone clammy and her stomach started turning cartwheels. ‘Will Unmask just look into this specific guy?’
‘No. Apparently trolls often have several fake accounts and they start off posting milder stuff first. So Unmask will look at all the comments on my site.’
Laura felt the floor start to disappear from beneath her and the nausea rise. She thought about Billy in the park the day before when his stabilisers had first been taken off. ‘I can’t do this,’ he’d wailed. ‘It’s too hard!’
She told Jess that sounded like a good idea, to try not to worry too much in the meantime, and that she had to go but would call her later.
Now she sat on the bathroom floor feeling utterly wretched. Jess would probably never speak to her again. Word would get around and Laura would have to face people in the full knowledge that they knew what she really was.
Billy would ask her why they didn’t see Auntie Jess and his cousins anymore. Oh God, how on earth would she explain things to Billy?
Chapter Seventy-Eight
Turns out Laura didn’t find owning up any easier than Billy had about the Switch. She knew that was what she had to do and that, however angry Jess might be if she told her the truth about MsRealityCheck, she would be a whole lot more furious if she had to find out from Unmask, but that still didn’t make Laura do it.
‘I don’t want to go to school,’ Billy said, pushing his Cheerios around his bowl. ‘My tummy hurts.’
‘You have to go to school,’ Laura said. ‘Just like Mummy has to go to work.’
‘But my tummy huuuuuuurts!’
‘Would a cuddle make it better?’
Billy shook his blonde curls.
‘A few Smarties?’ That was who she was now: a mother who bribed her child with Smarties for breakfast. Once you’d trolled your own sister the only way was down, really.
‘Maybe.’
Laura handed him three Smarties.
‘My tummy needs five. Orange ones.’
On another day this might have made Laura laugh. Sometimes when she ran through the conversation with Jess in her head, she thought it would be okay. None of her comments had been that bad (well, apart from that last one). On the other hand, what she had actually said was almost beside the point; it was the mere fact she’d created a fake account that was weird. And it was weird, however you looked at it. Laura kept hearing her mother’s voice in her head: Oh, Laura! How could you?
‘Go and clean your teeth and put your shoes on,’ she said to Billy.
‘I don’t want to go,’ he mumbled. But at least he was heading in the direction of the bathroom.
Laura stood at the sink, regretting not having done last night’s dishes and wishing her head wasn’t so fuzzy from lack of sleep and her eyes didn’t feel as if she’d got grit in them. She had to speak to Jess as soon as possible.
Before she was unmasked.
Chapter Seventy-Nine
Laura hadn’t been able to think about anything else all day long. She’d been distracted at work (‘Earth to Laura,’ Dani had said more than once), missed her stop on the tube and not listened while Billy did his reading.
She kept going over and over the same thing in her mind. Was there any good way to broach this with Jess? Finally, she decided the answer was no but that she still had to try.
The trouble was it was nine o’clock at night and Billy was fast asleep in bed.
She called Jon’s mobile but it just rang and rang. Laura pictured it vibrating away on some sticky pub table. Jon never picked up his phone when you needed him. He was the reason she hadn’t got to her mum when she was dying.
Laura heard her mother’s voice in her head: man-baby.
Still, she didn’t have time to get cross with Jon now. She had to get to Jess and tell her the truth about MsRealityCheck before Unmask did.
Maybe she should phone Jess? No, this was a conversation that had to happen face to face. Even then it wasn’t going to be easy.
Laura paced around the living room. She would have to wait until tomorrow to speak to her sister. She just hoped she’d still have the courage by then. And that it wouldn’t be too late.
She started washing up. Billy had been in a febrile mood this evening. He didn’t want fish fingers and he didn’t want to play with his toy cars. Laura thought about Josh chewing his red Ferrari that time and was hit by a sudden flash of inspiration. Amy’s mum was down from Manchester for the week, which meant that she would be able to babysit for Josh if Laura got Amy to come here.
She pulled off her rubber gloves and picked up her phone. Was it too cheeky to ask Amy? She and her mum were probably midway through a bottle of wine and a catch up by now. On the other hand, Amy was always saying that as single mothers they had to stick together and, even though it had been a bit of a one-way street up until now, Laura was sure that was because she had never asked Amy to have Billy.
Also, the thought of not talking to Jess before Unmask did was worse than the thought of begging a favour. Laura started typing out a message at which point another problem occurred to her. She could hardly tell Amy the truth about why she suddenly had to leave the house. ‘I just have to confess to my sister that I’m her online troll’ wasn’t likely to cut it on t
he sympathy front. Laura had to think of an excuse that sounded sufficiently urgent though. You can’t just ask someone to babysit late at night because you fancy a stroll. She would tell Amy she had to go to Jess because Jess was sick. Given recent events, it was a lie she wasn’t one bit comfortable with, but really what were her choices?
Hi, she typed, Any chance you could do me the biggest favour and babysit for Billy for an hour or so? My sister has got this horrendous stomach bug and I need to pop over there and help/play nurse. Xx
Amy was typing.
What about her husband? Xx
Laura tsked. Bloody journalists and their need to question everything. He’s away xx She started to put her trainers on, mentally psyching herself up for the conversation with Jess.
Would love to help, Amy’s reply read, but Mum and I are mid-movie. Xx
Laura stared at her phone, shaking her head. And then she realized that this was completely her fault – she’d made the request seem casual. She messaged again: Any chance I could change your mind? I’m really quite worried about my sister. Xx
This time the reply took ages even though Laura could see the two blue ticks that told her the message had been read. Laura’s jaw clenched as she thought about all the times she’d had Josh. She really didn’t want to be that person, but was one favour in return too much to ask?
Finally Amy’s message appeared: Have you asked Jon? Xx
Laura gripped the phone, her heart thudding against the wall of her chest. Amy hadn’t exactly said no, but she definitely hadn’t gone out of her way to say yes.
Chapter Eighty
Laura was standing in the school playground thinking about the night before. She was glad Amy had been out of the office at a press show today otherwise she wasn’t sure she’d have been able to hold her tongue. She had always been so sure that Amy would help her out if she ever asked. Not that there was much point in Laura losing her cool, especially since she ought to be preserving all her energy for owning up to Jess.
Billy’s class was led out and Laura pushed her worries to the back of her mind and pinned a smile to her face.
‘Mrs— sorry, Miss Fraser, please may I have a word?’ Billy’s class teacher said.
Laura’s heart sunk. Just when things couldn’t get any worse. Billy had obviously been hitting again. What on earth was she going to say to this ridiculously young teacher? No, it seems we can’t get our five-year-old under control. Good luck to us dealing with the teenage years, eh?
She wasn’t even supposed to pick Billy up today. She was meant to still be at work rewriting the latest terrible batch of syndicated articles (it was bad when you thought about that wistfully). But, improbably, Jon had a work interview so here she was, sweating as she squeezed herself into a ridiculously tiny plastic chair.
There was a board on the wall. Today is: Tuesday 30th April. The weather is: Sunny. We are feeling: Miserable. (The last one was only there in Laura’s mind.)
Miss Newman sat in another tiny chair (with considerably less difficulty) and began to umm and ahh. She had big starey brown eyes that reminded Laura of a frightened deer and there was a splodge of blue paint on her neck. ‘So, this is a bit difficult …’
Laura hoped it was Angus Murray that Billy was hitting. His mum had been so nice about the whole thing last time. As long as it wasn’t one of the really tiny fragile-looking girls. Or, God forbid, Caitlyn! Imagine the shame if he was thumping the girl who had the dead father!
‘I think one of the other children might not be … umm … not be being that kind to Billy.’
‘Sorry? What?’
‘We’ve observed that one of the children isn’t behaving nicely towards Billy.’
Laura stared at the paintings of birds on the wall. Billy’s was like a giant yellow football with a beak and two stick legs. ‘Someone has been hitting Billy?’ That little sod, Angus Murray! She’d kill him!
Miss Newman shook her head. ‘Not hitting. It’s just she … this particular child leaves Billy out of things; excludes him. And the thing is, this particular child often influences other children so that they leave out Billy too.’
That was why Billy kept saying he didn’t want to go to school in the mornings, why he kept insisting he had tummy aches. Her poor baby. She should have listened to him.
‘I’ve spoken to the parent of the child concerned but I thought I ought to speak to you too.’
Something clunked into place in Laura’s brain. The party Billy hadn’t been invited to. The way Miss Newman had said parent not parents. ‘It’s Caitlyn, isn’t it?’
Miss Newman went scarlet and scratched frantically at her neck. ‘I really think—’
Laura cut her off. ‘It’s Caitlyn?’
She nodded.
Laura looked outside the window where Billy had been left with the teaching assistant. He was playing in the sand, making a pattern in it with a stick. His tongue was poking out with the concentration. She felt a wave of shame: I should have listened to you. It’s my job to look out for you.
‘I’m sure you’re aware of the circumstances? Of everything that’s happened to Caitlyn’s family recently?’
Laura nodded.
‘Obviously we want to tread extremely gently. That said, we don’t want Billy to be unhappy either—’
‘No! Especially since Billy hasn’t exactly had a great time of it either. My mother died three and a half months ago, you know.’ Laura had no idea why she’d said that. Her mother and Billy hadn’t exactly been close. ‘You know children bore me before the age of five, darling!’ And if Billy was wrestling with any deep-seated grief, then he was hiding it very well. He’d only recently stopped his upbeat proclamations of ‘Grandma’s dead!’
These tiny chairs were really so uncomfortable. ‘Also, Billy’s father and I split up.’
Miss Newman coloured. This was probably her first job out of teacher training college. ‘I heard. I’m sorry.’
Laura sighed. ‘What sort of things have been happening?’
‘Oh you know, kid stuff. Leaving Billy out of things. Not picking him when it’s time to find partners for an activity.’
The list of phonics on the wall swum before Laura’s eyes. She could hear her mother’s voice in her head: You’re always so emotional, Laura. She dug her nails into her palms and swallowed hard.
‘Anyway, I spoke to Caitlyn’s mother yesterday.’
‘And?’
Miss Newman hesitated, pulling at the neck of her sweater. ‘And I’m sure she’ll talk to Caitlyn.’
There was a poster on the wall entitled ‘Find the Right Mum’ (the right mum? Laura had never known you got to choose). You had to match the chick to the chicken, the lamb to the sheep.
Laura looked at the woman on the other side of the teeny plastic table. ‘What are you not telling me?’
‘Nothing. I … I …’
Laura shifted as much as she possibly could in the tiny plastic chair. ‘What?’
‘Sometimes parents find it difficult to accept that their child has been behaving in a certain way.’
‘She didn’t believe you?’
‘I wouldn’t say she didn’t believe me.’
Laura stared at her.
‘She found it hard to imagine that Caitlyn would be deliberately unkind. She wondered if Billy might be being a little over sensitive.’
‘Over sensitive?’ Laura felt a wave of annoyance. Her mother had always levelled that one at her and now the same label was being used against Billy. Laura could see why Caitlyn’s mother would struggle to reconcile her daughter’s behaviour against the image of her ‘perfect’ little girl, but it still felt very unfair. ‘She thinks Billy is making it up?’
‘Err. She thinks Billy might be seeing things that aren’t there.’
‘But you’ve seen Caitlyn’s behaviour with your own eyes?’
‘Yes, as has Mrs Harris, our TA.’
Laura tried to get up but found the little plastic chair started to move with
her. She pulled it from her bottom with as much dignity as she could muster. ‘Thank you for telling me.’
Miss Newman stood. ‘Of course. May I ask for your discretion though? I’m sure you understand this is a very difficult situation for all involved.’
Yes, Laura thought. Particularly Billy.
Chapter Eighty-One
Laura sat across from her sister in Leon, desperately wanting to put off the moment when she told Jess about the trolling. Lunch would be lovely, Jess had said when Laura messaged her earlier asking if she wanted to meet.
Don’t bet on it.
While Jess poked half-heartedly at a superfood salad, Laura shovelled down a halloumi wrap and fries. She wished being miserable put her off her food but it always seemed to have rather the opposite effect. She was already eyeing up the lemon and ginger crunch.
Laura took a deep breath. ‘So now I know all your secrets—’
Jess gave her a strange look. ‘You don’t know all my secrets.’
Laura was thrown for a second. What did that mean? But she was probably reading too much into Jess’ words. It was the type of remark people made flippantly. And anyway, she couldn’t afford to let anything steer her off course right now. ‘Well, I need to tell you something.’
‘Oh?’ Jess said, putting down her spear of broccoli.
For a second the resolve drained out of Laura and she considered lying. She could tell Jess about the problems Billy was having at school, pretend that had been what she wanted to talk to her about. Her heart pounded against the wall of her chest. ‘How’s the Unmask investigation going?’
Jess’ face scrunched at the apparent change in topic. ‘Slowly. But they think they’re making good progress.’
Laura took a deep breath. ‘Look, there’s no easy way to say what I want to say, so I’m just going to come straight out with it. But before I do, I want you to know that I’m so, so sorry and I don’t expect you to forgive me because I don’t forgive myself.’
Jess was staring at her. ‘It can’t be that bad. And you know Dad always used to say if you really loved someone there was nothing they could do to change that.’
