by Cole, Fiona
But most of the time, it felt like Jackson was the glue holding us together.
I pushed off that thought. “He said he might need a night to relax.” I walked over to Jake, licking my lips and tracing my hand down my chest. “I was thinking we could spend the night alone. Maybe pick up a new toy on our way home. It’s been a while since we’ve added to our collection.”
He gripped my hips when I stood close enough and pulled me in, dipping his head down to my neck and leaving biting kisses up to my ear. “Maybe those nipple clamps I’ve been wanting to put on you.”
“Anything,” I whispered. And I would. I’d give him anything tonight if it was just us.
He pressed a kiss to my lips before helping me clean up. Once the last of it was tossed in the trash, and he was walking me out to my car he put a damper on my excitement.
“Maybe I’ll call Jackson. Just to let him know if he needs to relax, he can always relax at our place. We don’t have to have sex.”
“Yeah,” I breathed the pain out with that word, somehow holding back what I really wanted to say.
That I wanted to fuck him.
That his fiancée’s needs should be more important than anyone else’s.
But the longer this threesome continued, the more I questioned who he put first in our relationship.
22
Jake
He was punishing me.
Jackson still came over to the apartment during the week, which was becoming our norm. After we had sex, he stayed even in the middle of the workweek. Carina even had a toothbrush for him and shoved some stuff aside in her drawer to make room for him to leave things. Our relationship was progressing.
Keyword: was.
Those past few nights when he came over, we all had sex still, but it wasn’t the same. It was like a huge step back. He fucked Carina. Ate her out. Touched her. Kissed her. But not me. He directed me where to go with a bland tone, avoiding touching me when he could. He didn’t kiss me and had actually resorted to pulling back or giving me his cheek if I tried.
I was being punished and I didn’t need to wonder why. But knowing I deserved it, didn’t make it hurt any less.
At the end of each night, rather than staying—curling up with us and holding my hand as we slept, he pulled his pants back on and made an excuse to leave. Before he left, he made sure to kiss Carina goodbye and only give me a nod. I’d had to hold myself back from tackling him under me, gripping his cheeks, and forcing him to give into me—give me what I missed so damn much.
Staring at him across the table, I weighed the pros and cons of that form of attack. I was getting desperate.
I had to fight back the laugh at myself as I wondered how far I’d come over the past few months. He crashed back into my life and I went from running from him to contemplating ways to have his mouth and hands back on me. I went from devoting all my love to Carina to kissing Jackson behind her back, each misdeed breaking off a piece of my heart for him, forcing me to acknowledge my feelings were beyond attraction and friendship.
Looking over at Carina’s smiling face as she laughed at Jackson’s story, a heaviness settled in my stomach like stone. I loved her. She was my best friend. And yet, I couldn’t imagine ever stopping our relationship with Jackson. In fact, my mind swirled with chaos each second he pulled away from me.
“Oh my God,” Carina said, laughing. She put her hand over mine and I forced a smile, pushing my mental anguish aside. “I think it was when we were both sixteen that our parents talked about an arranged marriage like it would be a serious thing. They always joked, but it was just that. Joanne talked to my dad and convinced him to bring me home from the all-girls school I was at to be his prom date.”
I looked over at Jackson and watched a muscle tick in his jaw around the smile he was forcing.
“All the girls were so jealous of me. They’d seen pictures of Jake.”
“I bet all his friends were jealous of him. Especially if you had the same breasts you have now.” He waggled his eyebrows. “Jake probably had to fight them all off with a stick.”
“I think the girls were more aggressive than the guys. Jake was a hot commodity.”
“I can imagine.”
He finally looked my way, but his brown eyes were missing the spark I loved so much. The joy for life I knew he possessed. Nausea had me pushing my plate back. Regret crashed over me, knowing I’d taken it from him. I’d do damn near anything to get it back, which scared me.
“Remember the time they sent us on a business trip?” Carina asked me.
“Oh God. Yes,” I groaned and rubbed my hand down my face. That was such an awkward mess, but had solidified our friendship.
Carina turned to Jackson, who was finishing off his drink, keeping attentive eyes on Carina and away from me. “They sent us on a trip together which was odd considering we had just started. It was a more senior trip. But when we got to the hotel, we found out that only one room was booked. They said it was a clerical error but when we walked in, rose petals and champagne waited for us.”
“Jesus,” Jackson said around a laugh. “They weren’t subtle.”
“Definitely not. Joke was on them because Jake and I just ordered room service and racked up a huge bill until we passed out watching Chopped.”
“Good for you.”
Was I the only one who could hear the dull tone of his voice? Did she see it? It was so obvious to me. But she touched his hand and began clearing the table like everything was fine. Maybe tonight I’d press harder to be closer to him. Tonight, I’d kiss him again and not let him back away. Apologize with my hands and mouth, anything to end this.
“I should probably get going.”
“What?” The word popped out before I could think better of it. He looked my way, and I knew I showed every emotion roaring through me on my face. I could feel my lips hanging open, my brows furrowed and my furiously blinking eyes.
“Are you sure?” Carina asked with a pout.
He turned to her with a regretful smile. “Yeah, I have an early morning at Voy.”
“Oh, yeah. I bet you’re busy on your end with the opening next week.”
My chest clenched at the reminder that our job would be done in a little over a week. What then? When we didn’t have a reason to be around each other, would we stick together? Or was Carina okay with us letting it all go, because it was fun while we all worked together? I regretted every bite of dinner as nausea assaulted me.
Jackson grabbed his jacket and walked to Carina, pressing a lingering kiss to her lips. When he moved past me, I shot my hand out to grip his wrist, halting him from moving on like I didn’t exist. I loved the way his muscles flexed under my grip, like he wanted to fight. Part of me wanted him to. Force my hand to pin him and show me emotion.
“Where’s my kiss?” I taunted.
I looked over at Carina to find her smile slipping from her lips as she watched my hand on Jackson’s. Maybe she didn’t want Jackson to kiss me goodbye. Maybe she saw how badly I wanted it. It didn’t stop me though. I needed him that much.
I turned to find his jaw clenched. Then he leaned down to give me a quick peck on my cheek before tugging his arm free and walking out. I flinched when I heard the door closing behind him.
I finished off the last half of my beer in one go and counted to ten.
Fuck this.
“I forgot to ask him something about Voy,” I shouted to Carina in the kitchen. “I’ll be right back.”
I ran out the door and found the hallway empty. The elevator numbers weren’t moving, and I looked down the hall toward the stairwell. He always complained about elevators taking too long. Running, I hoped I wasn’t too late. I didn’t know why not letting him leave without confronting him felt so important, but it did, and when I opened the door to find him down two flights of stairs, relief hammered into me, my legs almost giving out.
“Jackson. Wait.”
He didn’t turn to face me when I finally reached him. Staring
at his back, I scrambled for something to say. Why hadn’t I thought this through? In the end, watching him not even turn to face me, anger won out.
“What the fuck, Jackson?”
“Go back to your fiancée.”
With a growl, I gripped his shoulder, forcing him to turn and then shoving him back into the wall. His eyes looked like they were holding back their own storm, daring me to push one more time. I was about to push a whole lot harder if it meant getting something out of him.
“Talk to me.” I wanted it to be a command, but it came out as more of a plea.
He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. When he opened them, I almost stepped back from how angry they were. “What do you want me to say? You’re not gay,” he sneered, beginning to back me up with each word. “You would never. Which I found pretty damn shocking since you loved being deep inside me, spilling your cum. Fucking me—a man—like a desperate fucking freight train.”
He threw my words I’d stupidly sputtered to his brother back in my face. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Fuck you,” Jackson growled before bumping my shoulder to walk past me.
Digging my hands in my hair, frustration rose inside me, pulling me under, drowning me. I was losing control and I couldn’t breathe because of it. “I’M SORRY, OKAY?” I shouted. “I fucked up. I panicked. This is all new to me—liking a guy. Fooling around with you when I’m engaged. I can’t just talk about it. I fucking panicked and I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”
He let my apology linger, and I held my breath waiting.
“Okay.”
Okay? Okay? Was he fucking kidding me? I spilled my guts and it was okay?
“No. It’s not fucking okay. This isn’t okay.” A fiery burn built behind my eyes, stinging my nose, but I wasn’t going to stop because he finally turned back to me. “I miss you. You won’t touch me, or kiss me, or sit with me, or hold me. Nothing. And I fucking miss you.”
I choked on the last few words praying he wouldn’t turn away. It was the most honest I’d been with him—with myself—about my feelings for him. My heart thundered, and hands trembled from how nervous I was. Nervous that the words felt so right coming from my lips. Nervous about what it really meant, that I left Carina behind, so I could chase Jackson down and plead with him to not leave me.
“Can we please go back? Can you please forgive me?”
It wasn’t just about sex and exploring. Right there in the stairwell, getting lost in him, begging him to stay and care, it hit me.
I was falling in love with him.
With a man.
I was falling in love with Jackson.
While my fiancée sat upstairs, I realized I was falling in love with my best friend.
My chest rose and fell in rapid, jerky movements. Jackson looked me over and must have recognized the panic and being my best friend, he gave me an out. His shoulders relaxed, and his hard jaw softened into a smirk.
“You miss sucking my cock that much?”
I breathed a laugh, exhaling the tension squeezing my chest like a rubber band. Closing my eyes, I inhaled as deep as I could, finally feeling like I was breathing for the first time all week.
“Nah. I miss you sucking my cock that much.”
He stepped close and pushed my shoulder playfully. “Oh, fuck you.”
“You wish.”
“Damn right I do.” He stepped closer and closer, backing me up into the wall. I held his stare. The cold he’d been sending my way melted under the burning fire sparking behind his eyes. “You’d be so fucking tight.” My back hit the wall and my cock grew hard when he lifted his arms and caged me in. “I’d lay you out on your back. Crawl up between your strong legs, pushing them back into your chest, exposing that tight hole begging to be fucked.” His nose stroked up my neck until he bit my ear. “But I wouldn’t give it to you yet. I’d kneel down and tongue your tight ass before sucking your balls in my mouth, rolling them around on my tongue.”
I gripped his waist in fear I’d melt down the wall, my groan echoing in the stairwell. He bit my jaw and kept going.
“I’d torture your cock with rough strokes, suck it all the way to the base. I know how much you love fucking my throat. All while I worked my fingers in and out of you, stretching you for my cock.” His hips pressed to mine, our cocks lined up perfectly, causing me to thrust against him to get some friction. “Then, when you begged me to, I’d finally fuck that tight virgin asshole and make it mine. And I wouldn’t use a condom because I’d want to fill you up. Mark you as mine.”
“Jackson,” I moaned.
“Now kiss me goodnight.”
I didn’t hesitate. I dove in and devoured his lips, feeling like it had been years since I’d gotten lost in him rather than just a few days. His hands left the wall and gripped my head, moving me how he wanted and shoving his tongue in my mouth to taste every inch.
“Wait,” I gasped, between kisses. “Fuck. Carina.”
He pulled back, but kept our foreheads pressed together.
“I know. God, I fucking know. I’m sorry.”
“We should stop.”
He pressed kisses over my jaw and over the corner of my lips. “I can’t. I can’t.”
I growled in frustration, feeling the guilt like a pit in my stomach knowing I was wrong, but when his lips still pressed on, I couldn’t fight it. “I can’t either.”
I rolled us along the wall to switch positions and thrust against him. I didn’t want to stop. Could have dry humped his leg until I had cum spilling down my slacks.
“Oh God, Jake.” I wanted to hear him say my name all night. Wanted to get him naked and pleasure him without the guilt eating me alive.
“Come back upstairs. Please.”
The kisses slowed, and I knew his answer before he even spoke. “I can’t. I really do have an early morning.”
Licking my lips, savoring his taste, I nodded and stepped back. “Okay.”
We both took deep breaths and adjusted our cocks, and I had to flex my fists to hold back from smacking his hand away and touching him.
“Jackson. Thank you for forgiving me. It...it means everything to me.”
He moved to stand right in front of me. I watched as his hand came up to stroke my face, and I leaned into his rough fingers with a moan. “Everything to me too.”
And then he was gone. I stayed in the stairwell until his footsteps faded into nothing and the slam of the door at the bottom let me know he was gone.
I didn’t know how long I stood there trying to swallow the knot in my throat thinking of my fiancée waiting upstairs.
Carina.
Jackson.
More tears burned my eyes knowing there was no way to keep one without losing the other. But no matter how much I knew it, I wasn’t going to stop trying.
23
Carina
Tonight was the night.
Weeks of work and tonight was the grand opening of Voy.
I fluffed my wavy curls behind my back as I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. The guys were out in the bedroom as I put the finishing touches on my makeup.
The past week had been a whirlwind of sex, meetings, and more sex. Sex in the apartment, on the bar at Voy, in a meeting room at work. Everywhere. And always with all three of us. Always.
That should have filled me with joy at the thought of all of us together. It was my idea after all. I pushed for it. I pushed for more every step of the way. But now, I felt cornered.
I was ready to plan my wedding. I was ready to make love to my fiancé alone in our bed. I was ready to be just two again. Of course, I could see a time when Jackson visited our bed every once in a while if he wanted to. But the connection between Jake and I that had me seeking this adventure out was fraying, and I was worried if we continued, that it would snap altogether.
Rather than using our sex with Jackson to fuel our fantasies as a couple, Jackson was always there. I loved Jackson. But as a friend. As an adventure. I’d always want
him to be a part of our lives, but I needed that to shift from lover to friend.
Maybe I was seeing the opening of Voy as a closing to this time in our lives. We wouldn’t have to see Jackson every day. It wouldn’t be so easy anymore. And like I’d told Jake’s mom, I wanted to start planning the wedding after this job was over. I’d even broached the subject with Jake, but he’d avoided it.
Looking into the mirror, I expected to find green eyes instead of blue. I knew what fueled this decision. Jealousy. I was scared and jealous. I saw the way Jackson looked at Jake, even when we weren’t having sex. Just when we sat around, lounging, his attention was always on him. Did Jake notice? Did he care?
Did he like it?
Chills wracked my body at that last question, and I took a deep breath and shook out my limbs. It was time to move on. I swiped at my lips to make sure my lipstick was perfect before pulling the lapels of my robe open a little wider. I wanted every advantage to get Jake’s eyes on me. However, once I stepped out, there was no chance of him seeing me. I stood frozen on the threshold watching Jackson straighten Jake’s tie while he kissed his jaw. Jake stood still, smiling as he held on to Jackson’s hips.
Seeing the intimacy between them without me in the room had a burn taking up residence in my chest. I should have been kissing his jaw and straightening his tie as he clung to me. Me.
“Starting without me, boys?” I hoped they couldn’t hear the tremor of nerves in my voice.
But then Jake turned to me and it all faded. His smile clung to me and his eyes dropped down to my exposed cleavage. He turned away from Jackson and gave me his full attention. “Go ahead and strip, baby. I want to watch you bend over and slip your panties on.”
“Who says I’m going to wear any?”
He groaned, and I smiled as I let the cotton fall from my shoulders. Jackson groaned from where he sat on the edge of the bed, but I focused on Jake. Jackson may have a crush on my fiancé, but Jake loved me. Period.
