by Cole, Fiona
“Fucking mess,” I muttered, yanking jeans from my drawer.
I sat on the bed and just took a moment to breathe. Just a moment.
Last night I’d come home, planning on running to Carina. I’d stepped out of the elevator and stood in front of her door for a solid ten minutes unable to knock. I just stood there hating myself, thinking of all the ways I’d fucked up. I’d let my fiancée go home without me when she wasn’t feeling well. Because I’d wanted to stay with Jackson.
I’d brushed her off the past few weeks when she brought up our relationship. When would we move in together? Should we think of a date for the wedding? Did I want to go on a date, just the two of us?
But worst of all, I’d fallen in love with someone else.
Worse than that, when Jackson suggested I be with him and not have a fiancée, a part of me wanted to say yes. A part of me wanted to say okay and pull him into my arms. A part of me hated leaving that bathroom.
And like a coward, I’d turned back around without going in and went to my apartment instead, where I proceeded to drink until sleep became easier.
My dreams weren’t any kinder to me than I’d been to myself. I dreamed of Jackson and what would have happened if Daniel hadn’t interrupted. I dreamed of Carina walking in. I dreamed of waking up next to Jackson each morning. I dreamed of telling my mother I was in a relationship with a man, seeing the disappointment on her face. I dreamed of my father when he died asking me one thing: give your mother grandbabies to love. Take care of Carina. I dreamed of people asking me if I was gay and the confusion swirling through me had me waking up nauseous, swallowing the lump in my throat.
“Fucking. Mess.”
I finished getting dressed and grabbed my phone and took a deep breath. I could do this. I hit Carina’s name and listened to it ring, my pulse pounding in my ears as I waited for her to pick up. I wanted to make sure she was ready because I’d figured we’d ride together to Voyeur. When her voicemail picked up, I hung up and sent a message before heading out.
I swung by her floor and had to take more deep breaths. I knocked and then rolled my eyes at myself for knocking on her door like I didn’t have a key. But letting myself in felt wrong. Like I didn’t have any right to barge into her apartment anymore. I dropped the key and knocked again. When she didn’t answer, I reluctantly entered on my own.
An empty bottle of wine sat on the coffee table with a slew of crumbled up tissues.
“Carina?”
I searched the apartment to find it empty. Maybe she left already, and I’d just see her there. I locked up and made my way to Voyeur, doing breathing exercises the whole way like a lunatic.
“You can do this. Man-up. Just. Man. Up.” And now I was talking to myself in the parking lot of Voyeur, my hands squeezed tight around the steering wheel, slipping from the nervous sweat coating my palms.
I shook my head and got out. My shoulders pulled up tight the closer I got to Daniel’s office, but when I walked in, it was empty of everyone I expected. No Jackson. No Carina.
“Hey, Jake. Come on in,” Daniel greeted me from behind his desk.
“Hey. It’s just me, but I’m assuming Carina will be here soon with her information.”
He looked up at me with his head cocked and eyebrows pulled together. “She dropped off her materials about an hour ago.”
“Oh. Um, okay.” Heat flamed across my cheeks. I looked really fucking stupid standing there not knowing my fiancée’s change of plans, especially after he caught me on my knees in front of Jackson last night. “I must have just gotten confused about the plan.” I tried to play it off with a laugh, but it came out choked.
Daniel leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms across his chest. “She seemed pretty upset. Not that she said anything, but the red-rimmed eyes and quiet attitude hinted that maybe she wasn’t her normal self.”
My heart dropped. It dropped and stopped beating and stole my lungs along with it.
I couldn’t meet Daniel’s eyes as my mind scrambled. Was she only upset that I hadn’t gone home with her? Or was it more? Of course, it was more. Fuck.
I wanted to slap myself for my stupidity. Last night had been a huge night for all of us, and it was the first night all of us hadn’t been together in months. And it took Daniel telling me my fiancée looked upset for it all to click.
Carina knew me. She had to know something was up, something was going on, and I’d ignored it. I ignored the crumpled tissues on the table, brushing it off, remembering her not feeling well opening night. I ignored it all.
“Um, yeah. She said she wasn’t feeling good last night. I’ll have to make sure I check on her.” I needed to see her. I needed to talk to her. I wasn’t even sure of what I’d say, but I knew this unknown chaos had to be stopped. I had to get a grip on my life.
Silence fell between us and I stood there. Desperate to break it, I asked, “Is, um, is Jackson around?”
Daniel’s eyes bored a hole into me, seeing everything I wasn’t saying. But remaining the coward I was, I kept on ignoring it. “No,” he finally answered. “He’s at Voy preparing for the night.”
“Yeah. Yeah.” Real smooth, idiot. Way to use your words. “Well, I guess I’ll just leave these here and you can contact me about any issues.”
I dropped the files on his desk before turning to go.
“Jake.” He halted my exit and I stopped to brace myself, knowing what was to come would not be easy to hear. “I’ve known Jackson a long time. He’s never been like this before. I’ve watched him grow from an angry kid to a strong-willed man. I’ve watched him fuck more people than most. I’ve watched him detach himself from almost everyone.” Wincing, I hated the image he painted. “I’ve watched him become a man who is ready for life. We all reach a point when we’re ready to grow up and build our future with others in it and Jackson is there. And I think he is because he found you again. He loves you.”
Each word hit me like a blow to the chest, and I fought to swallow back the pain and tears climbing their way up my throat.
“I’m not telling you this to make you choose between him and Carina. I just don’t want you to doubt how he feels. I definitely don’t want to see him get hurt, but if he’s the one for you, then choose him. Be sure you’re ready to be with a man. Don’t let a word define who you are. You can love anyone, and loving Jackson doesn’t make you one way or another. It doesn’t mean you have to be attracted to other men just because you’re attracted to him.”
His words took my thoughts and blew wind on them like a pinwheel. The harder he blew, the more words he threw in the mix, the harder it spun, the bigger the blur each thought became.
“I don’t want to see anyone hurt. I like all of you. But it seemed like you could use someone to maybe guide your thoughts.”
I breathed a laugh. If only he knew the mess I was inside.
Daniel kept talking. “Sometimes the right decision isn’t between the people standing in front of you, but with yourself. It’s okay to take time to figure yourself out before bringing someone else’s feelings into the decision.”
“Yeah. That’s uh, easier said than done.”
“Oh, I fucking know.” He laughed. “I can sit behind this desk all day and preach to you, but you’ve got to make the hard decisions that sometimes will never feel one-hundred-percent right.”
“Thank you,” I said sincerely. “I appreciate you taking the time.”
“I’m a judgement free zone. And I can be objective when needed to be. Don’t hesitate to give me a call. But just think about what I said.”
“Okay.” I pointed to the file before turning to head to the door. “Take a look at those papers and get back to me if you need anything. My life may be a mess, but I know my shit when it comes to business. Anytime you need anything, let me know.”
He gave me a nod and I headed out. Before I started my car, my phone vibrated, and I fumbled in my nervousness hoping and dreading it was Carina.
Jackson: C
all me. We need to talk. Please.
He’d called about four times since I’d stormed out last night, never leaving a message and I couldn’t bring myself to answer. I didn’t know what to say. My fingers hovered over the keyboard trying to come up with a response, trying to decide if responding was a good idea, when another message came through.
Carina: Sorry. Forgot to text you about change of plans. Already dropped off files.
Carina: I’ve got errands today, so I’ll be busy.
Carina: I’ll call you if I have time.
My head slammed back against the seat.
“Fuck,” I whispered into the empty car.
I wanted to go home and wait at her apartment, demand she talk to me. I wanted to grab hold of the situation and…
And what? Tell her what? I didn’t even know what I’d say.
Maybe Daniel was right. Maybe I should take Carina being busy today as a sign to sit down and figure my shit out.
Making my decision, I ignored both messages and started my car to head home. But first I needed to grab a few bottles of whiskey. Alcohol would help. It would at least make whatever decision I needed to make a little less painful.
25
Jackson
Two days. Two freaking days since I’d seen or talked to Jake or Carina.
I’d reached out to Jake with no success and was too damn scared to try Carina. I’d overstepped in a huge way and I didn’t like that I wouldn’t take it back. I liked Carina, and I hated that I even suggested Jake leave her for me. But I loved him. I fucking loved him, and I didn’t regret throwing it all out there. At least if he ended up married to her, I would never ask myself what if.
The only way I survived the weekend was because of Voy. Daily operations required so much of my mental capacity that I was able to pretend business was all that was on my mind. I was able to pretend I didn’t have time to talk to Jake and Carina because I was busy.
I could have kept on with that thought process. Filled my time with alcohol and Andrew. That had been my short-term plan until Andrew burst my bubble. I’d gone to visit him this morning, and I hadn’t even opened my mouth before he was on me. I sat there and stuffed my face with his donuts while he lectured me and called me a pussy and a baby-bitch. In the end, I admitted defeat and gave in. I needed to face Jake.
I exited the stairwell and hit Jake’s phone number one last time and it was ringing by the time I stood in front of his door.
And guess what I could hear on the other side: Jake’s ringtone.
I stood there and waited. I heard footsteps, but there was no answer and the longer the phone rang, the more frustrated I felt. Frustrated that he wasn’t picking up my calls or answering my messages. Frustrated that I stood outside his door with so much doubt. His voicemail came on and I stabbed the red button. I took a deep breath, pulling my shoulders back and digging deep for any calm I may have had and knocked on the door.
I squeezed my hands open and closed, trying to get more feeling into my numb fingers. My knees shook like they were about to give out. What if he didn’t answer? What if he closed the door in my face as soon as he saw me? What if I lost everything? This was why I’d avoided coming here. Because all these alternatives weighed heavier than the unknown. But the unknown would haunt me forever. So, I steeled my body and stood there.
He had made a promise and I was there to remind him of it. No matter what happened, he said he’d always be my friend. He may not love me, he may not let me touch him ever again, but if I had my friend by my side, if we could still laugh and do crossword puzzles, the loneliness wouldn’t consume me. I wouldn’t be at a complete loss in my life. I’d already lost too much. I’d already lost him before. I wasn’t doing it again.
The door rattled, and I held my breath. When I finally saw him, I had to hold my ground, not to tackle him. I wanted to comb my fingers through his crazy hair, sticking up in all directions. I wanted to cradle his face and kiss the dark circles under his eyes. I wanted to hold him to me and never let go.
“Jackson.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Just my name, so simple, filled with a mixture of dread and relief.
“Stop avoiding me,” I said, stepping up to the threshold. He knew my intentions, and he could slam the door in my face or let me in.
His hand dragged through his hair. “I’m not.”
Another step, crossing the line into his apartment. “Bullshit.”
His body sagged, and he stepped back. I didn’t hesitate to walk inside, hearing the snick of the latch behind me. And it was like once the door closed, he could let me in on the chaos that was consuming him, like it couldn’t escape the space anymore, so he let it loose. His frantic tone cut me to the core, but I held strong not wanting to be anywhere but in this storm with him.
“Carina is avoiding me, and I can’t even bring myself to fight it. I’m wrong—what I did was wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it. I just…” Both hands dove into his hair and tugged as he growled in frustration before letting them flop to his sides. “Fuck, Jackson. What do you want?”
I could make a list for miles of everything I wanted, but I stuck to what I came for. I had been selfish Friday night and standing before him, I was committing to just what I needed.
“I want you to keep your promise. You promised to be my friend no matter what the outcome from all this. You promised.”
I didn’t know what I expected, but him laughing was not it. His shoulders shook as his laughter grew. His head fell back, and each chuckle ignited a fire in my chest. When I was on the verge of punching him, he dropped his gaze to mine and I stumbled back, not prepared for the tears in his eyes.
He threw his arms out wide. “Look at us. I can’t just be your friend.” His hands dropped along with his voice and he stepped closer into my personal space. “Every time I look at you, I crave you. I have to hold myself back from claiming you. And I don’t even get it. I. Don’t. Get. It.” The words vibrated from deep inside him, and he winced like it pained him every time he tried to figure it out. “How can I never be attracted to another man and all of sudden, you show up and I just…I just can’t control my body—my heart.” He thumped his chest with his fist before holding his hands in front of him, looking at them like they didn’t belong to him. “My hands. I can’t control anything. My body wants you and no matter how wrong it is because I am committed to someone else, I can’t stop. I can’t stop craving y—”
I didn’t let him finish. I knocked his hands down and gripped his face, pulling him in for my kiss. I was only human and to have your most desired thing stand in front of you and tell you they desired you too? Nothing was stopping me. Not even my morals.
I pressed myself to him and only had to wait a second before his strong fingers dug into my hips, pulling me into him. I dug my thumbs into the hollows of his cheeks, demanding he open and let me taste him—demanding he let me in. We both groaned when our tongues grazed the other.
My cock grew hard in an instant and I pressed myself into him, feeling the reward of his hard length brushing mine. He walked me back until we were pressed against the back of the couch where he proceeded to devour me. He kissed my jaw, my neck, my shoulders and every place between, leaving nothing untouched by his lips. His hand would move down to my length, squeezing before moving back to my hip and connecting us again.
He pulled back with a gasp, but left his forehead pressed to mine, still holding me close, still thrusting his hips.
No. No. Not yet. I couldn’t have him pull away yet. My heart thundered, and I choked back the gasping breaths I couldn’t stop. My lungs worked overtime and I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears. Not yet. Please, God, not yet.
“We can’t. I can’t.”
Hating myself for it, but unable to stop, I did something I’d never done before; I begged.
“Please. Jake. Please. Just…just give me this. If you are going to leave me. Just—” The word got cut off by a sob that broke free. “Please,”
I whispered. “Just this once, let go. No fears. Just us. Jake, for me. Give me this.”
With each plea that escaped my lips, he held me tighter, his grip bruising my hips, pulling me as close as we could get like he wanted us to be one. And I would have given anything to never have him let go.
I took a shuddering breath and said the one thing I never thought I would. But I couldn’t walk out of this apartment without him knowing. “I love you.”
He groaned like a pained animal, the sound cutting through my chest. But then his tongue snaked out to lick at the tears that had fallen without me even realizing it.
After that, everything moved at warp speed, a tangle of hands and mouths. We couldn’t separate our lips as we dry fucked each other. I thought I would end up coming in my pants and was okay with it as long as it was with him and in his arms. But then he squeezed his hands between us and undid my jeans, tugging them down. My cock sprang free between us and I needed to feel him. I gripped the legs of his sweatpants and yanked them down his hips. His length brushed against mine and the light connection had stars bursting behind my eyes.
He dove back into my mouth and I gripped our shafts together, needing to feel him any way I could, and jerked us slowly, both of us fucking my fist.
“Fuck, Jackson. Yes.”
I only stroked a few more times before his hands gripped my shoulders and turned me to face the couch. He palmed my ass while he continued tasting me, biting my shoulders. God, I wanted him inside me. Needed to be closer.
“Yes. Fuck me.”
“How? Tell me how. Don’t want to stop for lube.”
I grunted, thrust back against his cock wedged between my cheeks. “Use your spit. I don’t care, just get inside me.”
I watched from the corner of my eye as he licked his hand and then spit in it before reaching down to stroke his cock. His other hand came to my mouth and pushed two fingers past my lips.
