by Andi Burns
“A committed, long-term relationship. So, marriage.” I say, without hesitation.
“Marriage.”
“Yes, that’s what most long-term committed relationships are. I didn’t set out to want that with Molly, but I love her. I never said the words because I knew they’d make her bolt, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And knowing that possibility isn’t even in the cards kills me. She makes everything better. She complements me in every way, and I spend more than half my waking hours thinking up ways to make her happy.”
“Ok, but what’s more important to you? The commitment or the marriage?”
“How are they different, really?”
“Uh, they are totally different. Trust me. Is it enough for Molly to commit to seeing where this goes? Or does it have to go to a church where you’re waiting for her at the end of the aisle?”
“Call it what you want, but I really need to know that she’s invested in this as much as I am, and that she’s as committed to me as I am to her.”
“So, you were married to Victoria? Had the certificate and the ceremony and the joint property and all that, right? Did that make her as committed to you as you were to her?”
Shit. I hate it when Nate has a point. So, instead of answering him, I take a drink.
“Are there couples who don’t have a piece of paper who live happy, committed lives? Yes. Are there couples with a piece of paper who cheat? Also yes. Does getting that paper with someone who’s adamantly opposed to it guarantee happiness? Nope. Does showing someone that you can put their needs ahead of your own go a long way toward happiness? Hell yes.”
“But what does she need? Because it sure as hell wasn’t me the other night. She couldn’t leave fast enough.”
“And she regretted it all the way to the airport. The Uber driver was ready to stop at a CVS for Kleenex.”
“You said she was fine,” I bite out. It breaks my heart to know how miserable she was and that, not only was I the cause of it, but I wasn’t there to fix it.
“She made me promise not to tell you. She said she needed time to get her head straight, and I respect that.”
“You saw her text. It doesn’t sound like she can’t wait to see me and talk this out.”
“Yea, I saw her text. Did you?”
“What the hell? Yes. It’s on my phone. I showed it to you.”
“Look again. There are at least five spelling errors in that nine-word sentence. There’s no way in hell Molly sent that text. And if she did, she wasn’t sober.”
I look at my phone to see that he’s right. “Great. Another mystery to solve.”
“What’s the mystery? You turned down that promotion, Ev. You’re not fooling anyone.”
He’s right. At lunch, Akers offered me a position with our head office in London. It’s a total dream job. Even more money than I’m pulling in now, and way less bullshit. I’ve been feeling so restless at work lately. The thrill is gone, and this opportunity is likely exactly what I need. Who would turn that down?
Me. I would.
And, yea, I could pretend that it’s because my sister’s having a baby, and I want to stay stateside and close to my family. That’s what I told Akers, and he bought it. But Nate clearly isn’t.
“Whether you want to admit it or not, you’re sticking around to see if you and Molly have a chance. And I hope like hell you do. I love that girl. And you obviously adore her.”
“I do.”
“So, you need to figure out a way to show her that you love her, without scaring her off.The only way this is going to work is if you both get what you need. So, making that happen needs to be your primary focus.”
“It’s that simple, huh?”
I’m messaging with Elaine, and I’m afraid she knows I’ve been avoiding her. Well, not avoiding, really. I visited a few days ago, but I didn’t stay long. My head is in a weird place over Ev, and until I figure it out, I don’t really want to talk about it. That is, if he still even wants what we had. He hasn’t responded to my text. Well, Winn’s text, technically.
I miss him so much, more than I thought possible. And I could kick myself for running away like that. He was right. I should have had a drink at the bar with Nate, vented and bitched, and then we could have figured our shit out like rational adults. Instead, it’s been a week since I’ve seen or heard from him.
Elaine: Molls. Did you just leave me on read?
Molly: Sorry. Had to reheat my tea.
Elaine: I’ll allow it.
Molly: How gracious of you. So...you went to the drs. Yesterday and I’m dyinggggg to know…
Elaine: Know what?
Elaine: oh, that I actually gained four pounds and the doctor was very proud of me. I made him say it again, so I could record it for my mom.
Elaine: Oh, or are you dyingggggg (is that different than regular dying?) to know that I haven’t puked at all today?
Molly: You’re killing me.
Elaine: I know. That’s why your dyingggg :)
Molly: OMG! AM I GETTING A NIECE OR A NEPHEW????????
Elaine: I don’t know.
Molly: What the actual fuck? I thought that was the whole point of yesterday’s ultrasound? Were the legs crossed again? You were so pissed about that and now you’re acting all blasé.
Elaine: Lol. I don’t actually know, and neither does Simon. The tech put it in an envelope, and we gave it to Nan. She’s making a cake, and we’re doing a whole reveal thing. You need to come. It’s Monday.
Molly: I’ll be there. :)
Elaine: Promise?
Molly: I promise.
So, I guess I have plans for Monday night. It seems like a weird night for a gender reveal, but whatever. They’re probably so excited they can’t wait until next weekend.
I think about calling Ev, or texting again, even though it’s a no-no, but I stay strong and watch Netflix instead. I’d like to say that’s because I have willpower, but it’s actually because my phone battery died.
Elaine texted me a dozen times today about what I planned to wear tonight. Pregnancy must do weird things to a woman’s brain. But when I sent her a pic of my favorite tangerine wrap dress, she gave me the ok. So weird.
I’m here a little early; I figured I could help with last minute set-up. And if that so happens to give me the opportunity to talk to Ev, without a giant crowd, so much the better.
I call out a greeting as I step inside. The door is wide open, and the house is decked out. But instead of pink and blue decorations, everything is white. I guess they want to remain neutral?
I follow the noise into the living room, and my hopes of getting Ev alone go up in smoke. There are at least 30 people in here, and he’s nowhere to be found. I thought I was early, but it’s a crowded house. There are folding chairs everywhere. This seems to be a pretty decent-sized crowd for a gender reveal, but what do I know?
I spot Nick over by the fireplace and head that way. “Hey guys, where are Simon and Elaine?”
“She’s still getting dressed. And Simon will be down in a minute.” Nick says. “Wait, you brought gifts? I didn’t know we were supposed to bring gifts. ”
“You don’t have to, but I made a few things this weekend and I wanted to bring them along.” More like I was bored out of my mind and needed to do something to pass the time, but close enough.
“You have two? Great, give me one.”
“No way. Besides, only one is the actual gift. It’s a gender reveal, genius. So I made one gift for a boy and another for a girl.” What can I say? I had a lot of time on my hands. “So, one bag is for a Rebel Princess and the other a Jedi Knight.”
“You’re an overachiever, Molls,” says Gavin.
Before I can respond, Simon walks in.
In a tux.
What kind of gender reveal is this?
“Hey, everybody. I just wanted to thank you all for coming. So…” he rubs his hands together and rocks a little on his feet. He’s nervous, and I’m beginnin
g to understand why. “You are all here to help us celebrate our baby. And I promise, we’ll get to the gender reveal soon. Nick and Duncan, I know you’ve got a bet going. But before we settle that, I want to welcome you all to our wedding.”
Wait, what?
That’s when I see Ev walk in, with Elaine on his arm. She’s absolutely gorgeous in a tea-length ivory dress, her belly sticking out in the cutest way. And she’s wearing the veil.
I’m not the only one oohing and aahing, and I shoot a quick look at Dunc and Gavin, who seem just as stunned as I am.
“Before we get started, Simon and I just want to thank Ev and Molly for all they’ve done these past couple of months. And we feel bad for not using all of your great ideas, but, well...we just really want to be married. So, we couldn’t wait,” Elaine shrugs and smiles, looking happier than I’ve ever seen her.
I shake my head, as if to let her know it’s fine. I don’t care about any of that now; I’m just glad my best friend is getting the happily-ever-after she deserves.
“Oh, and one more thing,” Simon smiles, taking Elaine’s hand. “May the Fourth be with you.”
Laughter erupts as we all realize what day it is. Of course my best friend and her Star Wars- obsessed boyfriend would get married on May the fourth.
“Ok, so we need Gav and Dunc and Ev to serve as best men, and Molly, Meg, and Bets to be maids of honor,” Simon tells us.
“Betsy’s a matron, not a maid,” Nick corrects.
“You calling my wife old?” asks Dunc. “And why isn’t Nicky a best man? What the hell, Simon? If you’re going to break the rules, at least break them all.”
Nick seems totally unfazed. “I’m not a best man, Dunc, I’m the fucking officiant.” He seems to stand even taller after that announcement.
“Yea, real classy, there, Mr. Officiant,” Gavin mocks.
“Let’s get this show on the Goddamn road!” one of Simon’s uncles yells. “I want some cake!”
As though that’s foremost on everyone’s mind, the room quiets down as Simon and Elaine exchange vows. Elaine is crying, I’m crying, and I’m pretty sure Dunc is crying, too. Nick tells Simon he can kiss the bride, and that’s clearly what he’s been waiting for. They embrace and everyone cheers. I take the opportunity to slip out into the hall as Simon and Elaine make their way through the room, collecting well wishes.
“Thought I’d find you here.”
I jump at the sound of Ev’s voice.
“Sorry—I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“No, it’s fine. I just... It was getting crowded in there, so I thought I’d get some air.”
He leads me out onto the deck, and I follow, no clue what I’m going to say once we get outside. The spring air is warm, and I take a deep breath. “So, since your sister just got married, like, five minutes ago, I guess we can cancel our appointment at the winery.” God, that is not what I meant to say. I’m not exactly sure what I did mean to say, but that is definitely not it.
Ev laughs and shakes his head. “Hell no. I had to give up club seats at a Ravens game just to get that appointment. We are going, and we are drinking wine.” He smiles, and I see it for what it is—a truce of sorts.
“You won’t get any complaints from me. I’m happy to day-drink, if I must.”
“Good. I’ll pick you up? You can drive. Betty misses you.”
“No way. You did not name that fine-ass car, Betty.”
“I didn’t?”
“No. That’s the most generic car name ever. She deserves something special, something unique.”
“Portia?” he offers.
“Portia the Porsche? Think again.”
“Alright, I’ll borrow a baby name book from my sister, and you can help me choose. How does that sound?”
“Pretty weird, but count me in.”
We laugh lightly, until awkward tension sets in.
“Molly, I need to apologize,” Ev starts, but I stop him, holding my hand up.
“No, you don’t. I completely overreacted. You were right. Balloons and champagne were not sent to victimize me. I took it the wrong way and got all in my head and—”
He stops me with a shake of his head. “I love you, Molly.”
He takes my hands in his, and it just feels so right. And we just witnessed the most beautiful wedding between two of our favorite people. I wish beyond reason that I could just let go and surrender to what he wants. This would be the perfect Hallmark Movie moment—I’d tell him I’m ready for marriage, and he’d get down on one knee.
But that isn’t going to happen. I just can’t take that leap.
“I love you, too, Ev. I just—-”
“I know.” He silences me with a hug, and I hold on tight. I don’t know how long we’re locked in this embrace—a minute? Ten? But Nick opens the sliding door and tells us it’s time for the big reveal. We walk inside together, in time to see Simon and Elaine standing next to a cake that reads Jedi or Princess?. It’s surrounded by dozens of cupcakes, all with pink or blue light sabers on top. I’m impressed, Nan.
Simon has shed his tux in favor of jeans and a shirt that reads “I am your father.”
Elaine cuts the cake and feeds a slice to Simon, but not before showing us all the pink, fluffy center. Cheers erupt, and I get a spontaneous hug from one of Simon’s sisters. Someone calls out, “Damnit!” and I can only guess that Nick lost the bet, because I hear Duncan laughing.
I make chit-chat with Simon’s mom as we walk through the buffet together. Judging by the food, it looks like Simon took his buddies’ advice and ordered one of everything off Trick’s menu. I’m hoping for another chance to talk to Ev, but he gets called away to tap the keg. This is the weirdest gender reveal ever.
I tell Stella all about it when I get home.
“It sounds adorable, dear. And so like Simon and Elaine. I’m glad they celebrated their special day just the way they wanted,” she says, over a cup of tea and a pair of cupcakes Simon’s mom insisted I take home.
“It really was.”
“So, then, what has you so down? Was it so awful seeing Ev again for the first time since Dallas?”
“Yes.” I flop back onto the couch.
“Was he horrible? That doesn’t seem like him.”
“No, he was funny and kind and charming, and he told me he loved me, but he didn’t put any pressure on me and...” I have no more words, just tears. Stella joins me on the couch and wraps me in a hug, rocking us both gently, until I calm down.
“I’m just such a mess. He’s so perfect for me, and I miss him so much, but just the idea of getting married someday gives me hives and makes me anxious. And I know that’s what Ev wants, eventually. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to lead him on.
“And I know that Ev’s not remotely like the jerks I used to date. And I know not all marriages end in divorce like most of my parents’ unions have. But knowing it and believing it are two very different things.”
Stella holds my hand as she speaks. “I can’t tell you what’s right for you, darling. Only you know that. But I can tell you this. Walt and I were married for fifty years. Was it always perfect? Hell, no. Did we agree on everything? Of course not. But we loved each other. And, sometimes, that’s all you have—the love you make. So when you find it, you should hold the hell onto it. Because it never lasts as long as you want it to.”
“So, you think I should take a chance on Ev? Even though I’m scared? But what if I panic again?”
“You will. Or he will. But would you rather stay here, sad and lonely, without him, or be with him, despite the times you’ll both break each other’s hearts and drive each other batshit crazy?”
“You make a point, Stella,” I say, through more tears.
“I really am wise,” she agrees.
After a quick trip to the store for supplies, I broke out the Cricut and have been crafting up a storm. Now that I know Simon and Elaine are having a girl, I’m on a mission to make onesies, picture frames, and even a hea
dband organizer. And, as the best friend, I was given inside intel on this baby girl’s name, so I’m personalizing damn near everything. The internet is an endless source of inspiration, and it’s cuteness overload on my dining room table.
Crafting keeps my hands busy, but it can’t take my mind off Ev. And it’s not just that he looked absolutely delicious in his suit today, or that it was so good to hear his voice again, or even that he understands why I ran. It’s just that I miss him in my life.
For the past few months, I’ve told myself I don’t have time for a relationship—that I just can’t handle one more person depending on me. But that’s not even right. Ev was never dependent on me. He never asked for anything from me, except my time and attention. And he gave it back tenfold.
And at the first sign of forever—a sign he had nothing to do with—I panicked and ran.
Ugh. I take a sip of my now-cold tea and wonder, for the thousandth time, how I can make things right. And if I’m really brave enough to take that leap.
Ava’s ringtone startles me out of my musings, and I answer it. “Hey, Av, what’s up?”
“Hey, Molls, it’s your dad.”
“Why do you have Ava’s phone?”
“We got this new plan, and these fancy new phones, and they all look alike.”
“You don’t have cases?”
“I ordered them off the internet. You never buy that stuff at the store, Molly. It costs you an arm and a leg. So, we’re without cases for two days, and I’m using my 17-year-old daughter’s phone, and I got some kid named Colin who keeps texting me.”
Oh. Dear. Colin is the guy Ava’s been talking to. This could end badly. I try not to laugh.
“So, what’s up, Dad? Other than your current phone mix-up.”
“I know it’s short notice, but some friends of ours have a place at the shore, and I’m thinking of taking Tracy there this weekend. Any chance you could stay over to look after Lily and keep an eye on Winn? Ava can handle it, but…”
“No problem, Dad. I get it. It’s just easier to have an adult around. And I love those kids, so it’s a treat for me. I’ll come by Friday after school, and we’ll order in. Sound good?”
