by Lucia Franco
"She didn't want to disrupt your life, so she stayed away thinking it was best for you. Looking back and realizing how Joy treated you, how I traveled a lot for work… You have to understand, Adrianna, I thought I was doing what was best for our family. I thought I was doing what was best for you. For that, I will forever be sorry."
Each word he spoke chipped away at my heart. He was filled with remorse, and I didn't want that for him. Up until Easter, I’d loved my life, even if I did feel like an outcast at times.
"Dad, don't dwell on it. I don't. I'm okay, and everything turned out just how it was supposed to. I've always been a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it will find its way. Things happen for a reason, and sometimes that reason makes no sense other than to just cause heartache and absolute destruction. Maybe this was how it was supposed to go."
"You are wise beyond your years, you know that?"
"Debatable." I laughed. "So, there's a reason why I was asking about her."
He chuckled. "Oh, really? I hadn't caught on."
I smiled sadly into the phone. "Does—" I didn't know what to call her. "Does Sophia have any other illnesses or diseases in her family history? Anything else I should be concerned with, aside from her sister having MCTD? I don't need any more surprises."
"Her father passed away from liver disease about ten years ago, and I think her mother is okay. I'd have to call Sophia and ask."
I perked up. "When do you think you'll do it?"
"I'll call her now. Once I talk to her, I'll get back to you."
Before we ended our conversation, we went over all my medications. Anything Dad wasn't sure about, he searched on the internet and we went over my symptoms, the importance of that specific medication, and which ones were crucial. He had me use Post-its to write down what they're used for and then stick them to the sides of the bottles. He knew I didn't want to use the pain medications, so those had different color sticky notes. It was much easier this way. The anxiousness that had filled my chest when I first got the prescriptions started to taper off. I was able to breathe again, but I was also too scatterbrained to handle it myself, too stressed and worried about everything I'd read, and where my future with this new diagnosis would lead.
My dad was there for me when I needed him the most, and for whatever reason, that made me emotional and tear up a bit.
"Dad? Remember, don't tell anyone. I don't want anyone to know except for our family, and well, Sophia since you have to talk to her. I have enough on my plate I have to deal with right now, and I don't want anyone to look at me any differently or feel bad or pity me." I paused. "I'd just rather not talk about it if I didn't have to."
"Sweetie, I'll do whatever you want, you know that, but we're all your family and we'll be there for you." Dad sighed when I yawned into the phone. "We'll talk tomorrow, sweetheart. Go get some rest. You've had a long day."
We ended the call and I curled up on my side, holding the phone close to my chest. My hands were shaking, and I had this void inside me that made me feel so cold. I needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay, to hold me tight and take this fear from my chest and make me promises they couldn’t keep.
Instead, I was alone in a lavish condo on the beach with the world against me.
Reaching behind me, I pulled the throw blanket over my body and stared at nothing until I dozed off.
Pretending I was okay was easier than explaining why I wasn't.
Three
I wanted to call Avery after I spoke to Dad last night, but I didn't have it in me after the lengthy and somewhat emotional conversation I'd had with him. I knew talking to her would expend any energy I had left, and I needed every little bit I could muster.
I'd been a shitty and pretty selfish best friend for a few months now and that wasn't fair of me. I knew it was wrong and I needed to rectify that. I just wasn't sure how.
At the next light, I picked up my cell phone and swiped it open to find my favorite contacts. I pressed down on a name I hadn't dialed in many months. It didn't even ring twice before I heard her voice.
"Adrianna?"
Her hopeful tone seared off another piece of my broken heart.
"Hey, Avery." My words came out thick. The phone trembled in my hand. Whether it was from the new steroids I was on, or from finally calling Avery, I wasn't sure. I only knew that I wasn't safe to drive like this. Thank goodness I was about to pull into World Cup.
"Aid…" She said my name again, this time backed with her own emotion.
We didn't speak a word to each other while we sat on the phone and cried together.
Then…
"If you ever press that fuck you button on me again—even once—I swear I'm going to beat your ass. I don't care how much stronger you are than me, I can still bite and pull hair with the best of them. I will totally punch you in the vag."
A giant smile spread across my face and I laughed. I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand.
"Oh man, I needed that more than you could imagine."
"Same here. I've missed you so much."
"Avery?"
"Yeah?" Her soft voice burst with optimism.
"I'm so, so sorry for the way I acted, and for the way I’ve been treating you. It was wrong of me… I'm so ashamed of my actions. I feel terrible."
And I truly was. I just hoped she could hear the honesty of my words through the phone. Remorse pierced my chest and I tried to rub away the tightness.
"No, I was wrong," she insisted.
I shook my head to clear my thoughts as I parked my truck. I didn't want her to feel wrong. She had no reason to.
"I should've been upfront about everything from the beginning, and I wasn't." Avery continued. "I hid how I felt about Xavier from the one person I never should have. If I could rewind history and do it over again, I would tell you in a heartbeat. Nothing is worth losing my best friend over. Nothing."
My shoulders sagged from the cracking of her voice. I hated that she felt that way.
"Just stop, Ave. It's okay. You did nothing wrong, and you could never lose me. This is all my doing. I was hurt, dealing with so much shit at one time, and I lashed out at the one person who has always been there for me. It wasn’t fair to you. On top of everything, it was the beginning of gymnastics season and the perfect excuse to avoid the situation since my schedule was just go, go, go. I'm a shitty friend. I honestly don't even know why you didn't give up on me and say fuck you and throw in the towel."
"Ah, newsflash, idiot, you're my best friend. No matter what, I'd never do that. I just think we both were dealing with a lot of shit and didn't confide in each other like we'd always done in the past," she said. "I mean, how could we? You with your sexy-as-fuck coach, and me with…your brother. Two relationships that should’ve never ever happened did, and we couldn't even talk about it. Look at you and Fish Lips." She laughed, and I giggled at her old nickname for Kova. I hadn't heard it in so long. "It took you a hot minute to tell me about that whole thing, and I get that. Now imagine if you were in my shoes and you were secretly dating one of my dumbass brothers. You probably would've done the same thing I did knowing all I'd want to do is to steer you away from him. So, I get it. I understand now. We both were stupid and we both reacted wrongly."
"You're right," I said. I stared through the windshield watching some of the gymnasts practice. "So…are you still with him? With Xavier?" I held my breath and braced myself for her answer. I wasn't sure why.
"No. There will never be an Avery and Xavier again. You can believe that."
"But I saw on your Insta you were with him on the Fourth of July."
"Ohhh look at you stalking me."
I laughed again. "Hush. And here I was finally getting used to the idea that we could actually be family. Hopefully I still have the receipt for your wedding gift."
Avery grew quiet and it troubled me. "We don't need a stupid piece of paper to tell us we're family. But I promise we're not together. We tried to work thr
ough things, but, well, it's complicated. All we end up doing is arguing."
I softened at her words, though still concerned. "You're right. It would've been cool, though. What happened?"
"Honestly, Aid, I'm not trying to avoid the subject, but that's a conversation we need to have in person. Trust me on this. There's too much to explain, and some things are better said face-to-face. You'll understand why, and hopefully forgive me. It's not pretty. It's downright hurtful, and I may need my best friend to get through it. I'm not over it and I don't know when I will be. The story is long and sad and full of ugly tears. And, I just put my mascara on."
I smiled. Avery and her makeup. "Are you okay, though?"
She was quiet for a moment. I had my answer before she spoke.
"I'm okay now…at least as okay as I can be."
I knew Avery, and I knew she wasn't okay. I could hear in her voice she was still going through the motions.
"Let me check my calendar to see when I have a break in between meets. I can drive down. I want to see you. I need to talk to you too."
I had no time to spare in between meets but I was going to try and make it work, even if it meant driving both ways in one day. Avery Heron was my best friend, and she needed me.
"About what?"
My heart started to beat a little harder. I wanted to tell her about the doctor visits, but I couldn't find the words.
"I can take off on a Sunday. I'll drive down straight after practice Saturday afternoon, that way we'll have half that day and a full Sunday to hang out. I'll have to leave that night, though. Does that sound good?"
"Would it be easier if I came to you? I know you're busy with camps or some shit. What is it exactly that you do at camp, anyway? Am I going to hear a story similar to what happens at band camp, except some kinky girl-on-girl action?"
I laughed loudly. "Oh my God. Not even close! It's not like that. I can barely walk when it's over."
"Adrianna…" She drew my name out, then chuckled. "What kind of shit goes on down there? Leave it to Kova. He should write a book on sex positions and how to thoroughly fuck someone while doing gymnastics."
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Avery! Kova doesn’t go to the camps with me, but he's had to literally carry me out of the airport because they're so brutal."
"Are you still fornicating with him?"
Fornicating. I rolled my eyes and smiled. God, it felt good to talk to her.
"It's a long story, one that's done better face-to-face as well."
"Understood. But are you?" she pushed.
"Not fornicating, but we did mess around a time or two. It was the first time since Easter, but nothing since then."
"Holy shit! That long! Why?"
Heat bloomed under my cheeks. "I’ll fill you in once we see each other. Wait—how did you know about the training camps I was doing?"
"I've been following your achievements, dumbass."
My heart swelled. "On TV?"
I knew the big meets were televised and an internet search was just a few clicks away, but camp wouldn't come up unless the coaches were conducting interviews and mentioned one of us.
She stayed silent and then it hit me.
"Xavier," I said quietly.
"Aid. Please don't hang up or be mad at me, I just wanted to know how you were doing!" she shouted in one long breath.
"I'm not. I'm…just surprised."
"Let me put it this way—he hates me, and he'll never forgive me for what I did, but that doesn't stop me from asking how you are. A little nagging goes a long way." Avery was persistent, that's for sure.
I couldn't even begin to imagine what transpired between her and my brother, but I hope whatever it was, it was something that could be mended. Our families would forever be bound together by business. They had no choice but to be a part of each other's lives, whether they were amicable or not.
"I'm so proud of you, girl. You're really doing this," she said, her voice sounding heartfelt and genuine. I wished she was in front of me so I could hug her until she yelled at me to let go. "You know what? I'll just drive up and hang out for like a week or whatever. It's still summer and school doesn't start for a couple more weeks, and I don't have anything to do anyway. I'll go to practices with you, hang around, maybe trip Reagan and drop some Visine into her water, go shopping in between."
I laughed, my shoulders bouncing. "My practices are really long, Ave. I have extra ones added in, and I'm still doing therapy for my Achilles. I'd love for you to come, but I'll feel bad because you'll have nothing to do. If you don't mind being bored out of your mind, I'm game."
"Then it's settled!" she announced. A huge smile spread across my face and excitement fluttered in my stomach. I couldn’t wait to see my best friend. "Wait. What is it you wanted to talk to me about?" she asked.
I glanced at the clock. I needed to get a move on or Kova was going to blow a gasket. "Listen, Ave, it's really good to hear your voice. I've missed it, but I have to go. I'll call you tonight and tell you. What I need to tell you, it's going to take time."
She was quiet for a moment, then her tone turned serious. "Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not," I admitted, my voice low.
"What's wrong? What happened?"
"I just… I went to the doctor recently for some checkups and discovered that I'm sick." I paused and exhaled a deep breath. "I'm really sick, Ave."
Tears filled my eyes. I didn't want to cry, especially while I was at practice, but Avery was the first person I was going to talk to about it outside of my family, and it was hitting me much harder than I thought.
"Sick with what, bestie?"
Bestie.
A tear slipped from the corner of my eye, the words lodged in my throat. I covered my mouth to hold back my silent cry.
"Aid?"
I drew in a lungful of air and let it out. "Yeah, I'm here."
"Sick with what?"
"I… I have kidney disease. Stage four kidney disease."
"What does that mean?"
"There are five stages, and it means my kidneys are failing at a crazy fast rate. The doctor said advanced kidney damage. I have to start dialysis soon, and eventually I'm going to need a transplant. I'm holding off on the dialysis right now, though, and started with medication that will hopefully suppress symptoms. My dad said he's going to talk with family to see who will offer to be tested, but if I don't match with any of them, I'll have to be put on a waiting list and basically pray for a miracle."
She was quiet again. I was trying to stay strong, but I could hear her soft cries in the distance and it only made it harder for me.
"Ave?"
"I'm here," she said, but I could barely hear her.
"I'm scared. I don't want to die."
Her cries came in a little stronger this time, and so did mine. I felt empty inside, terrified of the unknown, because no matter what I could do, my body was going to do whatever it wanted.
"Get your head in the game for practice. Let's talk more about this later. I love you, and I promise everything is going to be okay."
We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone. Climbing out of my truck, I grabbed my duffle bag and made my way inside the gym to the locker room. Drawing in air through my nose, I took a couple of deep breaths to steady myself.
I felt awful for opening up to Avery when I'd shut her out for so long. But I needed her, and I needed her support to go through with this, especially if I was going to go the route I planned.
I quickly undressed out of my sweats, balled them up and stuck them in my bag. A slight pang shot up my leg, but I ignored it. I'd ice my calf and ankle once I got home. I had enough pain already to deal with and I hadn't even started practice yet.
Four
"There is no glory in practice. Sports reveal character. Games, meets—they reveal your true character. What would it say about you?" Kova asked the girls. He walked past me to grab some mats. "The way you practice is the way you compete. Give me everything
you got today, ladies. I want it all. Show me what you are made of. Prove to me that you deserve this."
"Someone's a little too happy today," Holly said quietly with a small smirk. "I'm kinda scared for what he has in store for us. There's too much pep in his step."
I laughed, totally agreeing with her.
Lifting my gaze, I observed the way Kova moved in a shirt I’d detest on any other guy. It was the crew neck kind where someone took a pair of scissors and cut the sleeves off with their eyes closed and made giant, jagged holes that drooped down to their hips. The only saving grace was the fact that Kova was shredded and his god-awful shirt showcased the part of his body I loved the most—the left side of his ribs, exposing the black Olympic ring tattoo that looked like it was floating every time he took a breath.
Damn this man. Damn his eyes. Damn his fucking body.
"He must be getting laid a lot right now," Reagan chimed in. I glanced over at her and felt instant aggravation over her words. She reached down to grab her toes. "He's totally giving Katja that D and boning her hard. He can give it to me any day." She snickered.
"What would give you that impression?" Holly asked, arms extended above her head as she stretched out her shoulders.
Reagan gave her a knowing look. "It's obvious. You'd have to be blind as a bat not to notice, Hols."
We’d already ran two miles and completed a thirty-minute warmup. We were seated in a straddle position on the floor and I was about to spark conversation with the girls when Kova came up behind me and grabbed my ankle, lifting it.
Kova's freshly clean scent enveloped me like an invisible trail. The citrus and cinnamon pulsed through my nose and invigorated me. I tried to lay forward, but he placed a hand around my ribs and stopped me. The warmth of his fingers spread through my ribs.
"What would it say about you?" Kova asked again. His body was so close to mine his heat radiated onto my back.
I glanced at Reagan, and a smile spread across my face. "I'm not sure what it would say about me, but I know what it would say about you as a coach."
