by Lucia Franco
With his hands propped on his hips, Kova glared up at me. "Now, Adrianna. What are you waiting for?"
"Coach?" My quiet voice crackled with fear. I couldn't make eye contact.
He took a small step closer. "You have an hour of practice left, then conditioning. I was counting on you mastering this tonight so we could move on to the release skills tomorrow, and then connect it all for the meet coming up."
Letting Kova down—letting myself down—was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but there was no way I would be able to do any of that right now. Not with how I felt inside. There just wasn't. I simply didn't have the strength.
"Please…" My voice broke. "Please, help me down."
Without further question, Kova stepped right in front of my dangling legs and reached for my hips.
His gaze was painted with concern as he effortlessly lifted me and guided me down from the bar. Expelling a breath, I let go and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, but I couldn't tighten them. My head fell into the crook of his neck, and my toes tapped against his shins. I was so tired and felt like I could just fall asleep.
"Adrianna."
His voice was thick in my ear. He wrapped his strong arms around my back and held me to him. We were in a compromising position, but his warmth comforted me, and in this moment, I needed him.
"What is wrong? You are trembling."
Six
"I don't know what happened. I got really weak for a second," I said, somewhere between the truth and a lie.
My forehead was pressed to his neck and I snuggled closer. I inhaled his cinnamon and citrusy tobacco scent and my body relaxed into his embrace. My eyes rolled shut.
"The only thing I do know is that I would’ve hurt myself if I continued. I need a break for a second, Kova. Please. I'm so sorry."
I hoped by using his name he'd hear my desperation.
His hand splayed across my lower back, and I sighed. "Ria," he said low enough so no one else would hear. "I have to put you down. There are too many eyes looking our way, we cannot be seen like this. I cannot be seen like this with anyone."
Pulling back, I shook my head and looked into his eyes. "Please, I can't stand. I feel like I'm going to faint."
It was the truth. I didn't have the energy to stand. I needed to go home, but I bit my tongue because I knew that wasn't an option.
With a frown, Kova curved an arm under my knees and brought me up higher, cradling me to him.
"Take me to the therapy room, please," I said, and he nodded.
When we got there, he gently laid me on one of the tables. I curled onto my side and allowed my eyes to close, lying there for a couple of minutes. The room was icy cold and my teeth were chattering. Kova stroked a gentle hand over the side of my face and pushed my stray hair back.
"I knew I was pushing you too hard." A string of what I presumed to be curse words in Russian flew from his lips. "I thought you could handle it."
Talk about a bolt to the chest to wake my ass up. "I can handle it. I've proved that already, haven’t I?"
He cocked a brow, but his words were soft. "Then why did you have me bring you in here? It is clearly too much for you, Adrianna. I do not want to wear you down, but what happened out there? The way you were all over me could have raised quite a bit of questions. You know we cannot do that when people are here. Tell me what is going on."
"I almost fainted, Coach. I was not all over you."
Screw this. I pushed myself up to face him, my eyes blazing with anger. Kova's words filled me with resentment and I stared at him, letting him see just how I felt. How dare he. He made me feel guilty and I didn't like that one bit. Not when I'd proved myself time and time again. One mistake and it was suddenly the end of the world for me.
"Nothing happened, Coach. I just had a mental block and needed to stop for a second. I worked myself up, I guess. I didn't eat today either, and I got lightheaded, but I'm fine now. Let's go. I'm ready to get back out there."
"No. Lie back down."
Christ, this man was infuriating. "I'm fine. Excuse me for not being perfect like you."
Kova released a long sigh and looked away. He scrubbed a hand down his face. "No…no. I am just being, how do you say it? A dick?"
"Wow. Is that your way of apologizing?" I asked, and he regarded me with jaded eyes. I was fighting internally to hold myself together. "You aren't the type to admit when you're wrong."
"Just know I do not approve of this. You need to be out there practicing, earning your spot on the Olympic team."
"What is it exactly that you don't approve of? What did I do that was so wrong?"
"Taking time off from practice? Leaving early? Arriving late? Taking a little break because you had a mental block? We were not finished for the day, and we have a lot of work ahead of us with so little time."
My jaw dropped. "That's funny. I recall you insisting I sleep in the bed that you share with your wife so I could relax. What about the time when you had me miss practice so I could recover from camp when I didn't want to? That's on you, not me. I could've handled it. Or how about the time when you wouldn't let me come back to practice until I went to the doctor to make sure everything was all right when I told you it was—which it was!" My voice rose with each sentence, and I could feel the vein in my throat straining from yelling back at him. "So it's okay for me to skip out on your terms, but not mine? I wasn't even asking to leave early, just to take a small break, which I never, ever ask for. How is this fair?"
I was getting so angry that I wanted to cry. "Answer? It's not. You're a walking double standard. It's okay when you say it's okay but not when anyone else does. You want everything on your terms so you can hang on to control. Your way or the highway, right?"
Kova's nostrils flared and he stepped closer. He was just a few inches from my face. Pointing a finger downward, he clenched his teeth as he said, "Lower your voice. What happens outside of these walls bears no weight on what happens inside. Inside World Cup, I push you, you take it, and we both win. Just like we have always done. I am doing my job, one you require from me because I am the only one who can give it to you."
A sarcastic laugh broke from my throat. I shook my head incredulously. "You're a piece of work, Konstantin Kournakova. You should be thanking your lucky stars Katja puts up with you."
His eyes glowed with newfound anger. The vascular veins in his arms twirled up toward an astoundingly handsome face. Even mad he was too good-looking for his own good.
"I will get your stuff and take you home," he said.
My jaw dropped. "I'm not leaving."
"You are. Go home and sleep. End of discussion," he bit out stiffly, enunciating each word.
"No."
Kova turned to walk away, but I reached out and grasped his wrist. "Then get Hayden. I want him to take me home." A low growl sounded in the back of his throat, and he twisted his wrist out of my hold. "I want Hayden."
"Very well."
Moments later, far away voices drifted closer and Hayden stormed into the room.
"Jesus, Aid. Are you okay?"
I cracked open an eye. "I'm okay. I'm just freezing. Is your practice over? Can you take me home, please? I forgot to eat today and I'm a little lightheaded." I wanted to add that Kova was being a dickhead and making me go home, but I didn't.
He glanced up at the clock on the wall. "I have an hour left, but I'm sure Kova will understand." He turned to look at him over his shoulder. "Won't you, Coach?"
Kova nodded but I shook my head hastily. "I can wait," I said. "I don't mind."
"It's no issue—"
"I'll wait for you," I insisted, my voice firm. I wasn't going to take away from his practice because of my actions. I should've just taken my chances and completed the dismount to avoid all this.
"Okay…let me get some clothes for you, though."
Hayden came back seconds later. I glanced at his hands, confused by where he’d found clothes. I'd rather freeze to death than wear Reagan'
s stuff.
"Here, let me help you."
"Where did you get that?" I asked, and raised my arms above my head.
"It's mine." He placed his T-shirt over me.
Thank God. I glanced down. It had a big, golden yellow M on it. Michigan.
I eased back onto the table and Hayden moved to stand by my feet.
"Kova, lift her hips for me so I can get these on her."
"I got it," I said firmly. Hayden handed me a pair of navy blue sweatpants. I slipped them on and felt warmer already.
"You don't have a jacket here, do you?" Hayden asked Kova.
"No."
He nodded. Not many people carried a sweater around in the middle of summer in Florida.
"That's okay. She should be good for now." Hayden looked at me. "I won't be long."
"Thank you."
Once Hayden stepped out of the room, Kova looked at me with concern. "I think you should see a doctor."
He couldn’t be serious. I was in this state because of him. Kind of. I laughed sarcastically, unable to control myself.
"I almost think you're a hypochondriac. Why do you keep wanting me to see a doctor?"
"Do not make me call your father," he gritted out. He wasn't impressed, but I didn't care.
"Go ahead and do whatever you want, you always do anyway," I said in surrender. "Just leave me alone. At least allow me the luxury of sitting in silence while I stare at the wall for the next hour."
"I do not approve of this."
"There's a shocker," I said full of mockery and turned my back to him. Minutes later, as hard as I tried to fight it, sleep consumed me.
"Aid…" I heard my name in the distance. "Aid… Wake up."
My eyelids were too heavy to lift. The voice sounded much closer, but I was too tired to care. I muttered something unintelligible, a leave-me-alone moan, and curled up tighter into a ball.
"Adrianna." I heard my name again, this time in an exotic tongue with a heavy roll to the R.
My eyes burned as I willed them to open. I exhaled a sleepy sigh. There were two different people near me. People I couldn't place who they were, but more importantly, where was I?
Disoriented, I cracked open my eyes to a blurry vision. I couldn't focus. I tried to sit up, but I didn't have the strength and collapsed back down, but not before strong arms caught me.
"Adrianna." This time my name was much clearer. I recognized the voice, but a familiar scent roused me.
"Hayden?" I yawned, and rubbed my eyes. They felt so swollen. "How long did I sleep for?"
"Maybe an hour? I'm not sure."
"That's it? Felt like so much longer."
"Yeah. Come on, let's get you home."
I sat up slowly with the help of Hayden, but my focus was on Kova. A fleeting shadow of regret cast in his eyes. I grimaced. Good. I hoped he felt like shit. It was too soon to forget the way he had spoken to me and how he’d made me feel. People often said no one could make a person feel inferior to anyone, but that was total bullshit. When your heart cared deeply for someone, it was impossible not to feel the weight of their words no matter how strong the front was.
Kova extended a hand out to help me, but I tugged my arm from his reach. My relationship with Kova was the same song and dance. One day I’d learn. Just not today, and probably not until I left World Cup for good.
"I need to grab my bag," I said, standing up. Jesus, I was so tired. I felt like I could sleep for a week straight. Yawning, I walked to the locker room and retrieved my bag. I couldn't leave without my medication.
Turning to Kova, I asked a bit detached, "Is it okay to leave my car here overnight?"
"Yes. That will be fine."
Hayden extended an open palm, waving his fingers at me. Placing my hand into his, he laced our fingers together and guided me out of World Cup to his car. Kova was hot on my tail, nearly stepping on my feet, but I played it off like I hadn’t noticed. It didn't matter, though, because Hayden did.
"Why don't you just piss on her?" he yelled over the hood of his car, his blue eyes intense.
"Hayden, be nice," I said, stifling a giggle. I actually felt bad.
Hayden glanced over at me, his feelings shifting in his gaze. "Aid, I'm sorry, but I refuse to hold back where that man is concerned."
"Just doing my job and making sure the others do not get the wrong idea when they see you guys leaving together," Kova replied with a twist of his lips, unfazed by Hayden's comment.
"Whatever you need to tell yourself."
At that, Hayden got into his car and I followed, putting on my seat belt then leaning back against the seat. I glanced through the tinted window toward Kova.
I was drawn to his confidence and strength. I was addicted to the way he pushed me and challenged me. I could push past an injury and keep practicing. I could train for hours on the same skill without a single complaint. But this was something that caught me completely off guard and terrified me. It was like all muscle mass had disappeared and a fifty-ton boulder had been placed on my chest. I crumbled.
Pulling out of World Cup, I spoke once we were on the main road. "Thanks for taking me home, Hayden."
"You know I'd do anything for you," he said, and I smiled. I did know that. "Do you need me to stop anywhere? Get you anything?"
"No, I'm good. I just want to go home and crash. Can you pick me up for practice tomorrow?"
He nodded. At a red light, he angled his body my way. "Are you okay, though? You look pale, Aid."
"I'm just a little overworked and lacking sleep. I'll be fine."
"I'm worried about you. It's unlike you to leave practice early. Who's going to look after you when I'm gone?" He smiled sweetly.
"Ugh. Don't remind me that you're leaving," I whined. I was going to miss Hayden dearly when he left for college. "I can't believe you're leaving me here with Reagan." I stuck my index finger in my mouth and pretended to gag myself.
"You aren't going to be stuck with her for much longer. She'll be leaving for Louisiana around the same time."
"I totally forgot about that." Reagan had accepted a partial scholarship from the University of Louisiana.
About ten minutes later, Hayden pulled into my complex, right up to the front sliding glass doors to drop me off. "Thanks again for being there for me. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Anytime. Want me to come up?"
I shook my head but offered a gracious smile. I didn't want him getting the wrong idea. I'd rather buy a rope and hang myself before that ever happened again.
Seven
I had only a handful of competitions left that I needed to attend—and qualify for—in order to go to Worlds, which was an absolute must if I wanted to make the Olympic team, God willing. World Championships were typically held out of the country and lasted for a week since there were so many qualifying rounds. There were other ways to qualify, but this was the most logical way and the least stressful.
Once I arrived at World Cup, I automatically ran two miles before changing into my leotard. I was thirsty and drank almost a whole bottle of water before I left the locker room. Yesterday was rough, but it was behind me. I was determined to make today better.
I smiled to myself and stepped inside the gym, embracing the chalky air and spirit around me. I was eager for practice to begin so I could take my mind off the reality of my life and what I was up against.
It was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that just as I was starting to come back from heartbreak, my body decided to betray me. This quietness that had taken over stuck to me like superglue. I didn't want it. I wanted it to leave, only, I didn't know how to make it go away. Instead, it grew with each passing second like an impending sense of doom. I felt different inside, alone, a little paranoid and completely isolated. I decided the more I practiced, and the more time I spent inside World Cup, that it would eventually go away. It had to.
I just wanted to be myself again. Only now I feared the way the cells in my body were destroying each other I woul
d never reach my full potential as a gymnast, and that was devastating to me. Gymnastics was my life. I couldn't imagine not being able to do it.
I glanced around at everyone on the different events, looking for the one person who seemed to calm my worry without even knowing he did.
One look at Kova, and I could tell that he, too, looked like he hadn't slept all night. Dark circles lined his eyes and a thicker scruff dusted his chin. When he turned his head in my direction, I could see the anguish tormenting him. My heart clenched at the longing gaze in his eyes. He was staring back at me, asking for something he couldn’t put into words. He didn't have to. I felt what he was saying, because I felt the same way.
I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my palms, then walked over to the balance beam where he stood.
"Adrianna, can we speak for a moment?" Kova asked.
Kova let his guard down for me to see and I studied him. There was no life in his eyes, no color at all. We were both numb. I was used to the empty feeling, but I didn't like seeing him like that. It bothered me immensely.
"Is it okay if we wait until after practice? I really just want to get to work."
He looked at me, brows bunched together, and gave one firm nod. Maybe he needed the release in the same manner I did that gymnastics gave me.
We practiced for hours on balance beam, breaking down my routine and working on connections, sequences, jumps, and leaps. Whatever Kova suggested, I did in silence, and I made sure I did it well. Each landing was soft, light and airy. Kova didn't commend me—it was rare he actually ever did—but I could tell I was practicing well because he didn't ridicule me either. He almost seemed pleased. There wasn't one balance check. I didn't fall, and I stuck the majority of my dismounts on soft mats. Even my turns were nearly on point, though not all, because turning on your toes was actually harder than doing backflips on the four-inch wide beam. Go figure, but it was true.
