by Lucia Franco
I smiled into the phone. "I know, Dad."
"Make sure all your medicine is filled and keep your phone charged."
I grabbed a mug and poured the coffee. "It already is."
"Wash any dirty clothes now. Don't open the fridge too much and turn the air down so it stays cool."
"Dad. It's just a two."
I was surprised he was worrying the way he was. He didn't typically worry until it crossed into a four.
"I know, but I'm not there to protect you this time. I just want to make sure you're okay. Anything could happen."
"Thank you," I said.
"I already spoke to Konstantin. He plans to close World Cup tomorrow as a precaution."
I froze midway of pouring the half and half. "What do you mean? It's only a two. Schools don't even close for that."
"He's playing it safe. I don't want you driving in that kind of rain anyway."
Oh God. A whole day alone, possibly more, to stew. My teeth dug into my bottom lip. I grew silent, wondering what I was going to do with my time. Maybe hang my medals and clean? I glanced around. I lived alone and I was rarely home. Who was I kidding? My condo was always clean. Maybe I should get a puzzle.
"Adrianna?" Dad said.
"Yeah?"
"Where'd you go?"
I thought swiftly. "I was thinking that I finally get a day off to rest. Thank you, hurricane!" I faked my enthusiasm.
He chuckled. "Just stay in the condo and don't make me worry. I have enough gray hair as it is."
"You can always dye it," I said, laughing to myself as I thought about how I’d said the same thing to Kova.
"Never in a million years. Listen, I gotta run. Call me and check in tomorrow."
"Thanks, Dad. Love you."
"Love you more, sweetie."
"Wait—" I paused. "Dad?"
"Yes?"
"I've been meaning to ask… Ah, have you gone and gotten tested yet?"
I tightened my grip on the phone. Testing could take weeks and I wanted to be prepared in case anything happened. He hadn't brought it up once to me and I figured I should.
"I actually began the process when you were diagnosed, I just didn't want to say anything until I knew for sure. The first blood test came back as a match." He paused, and my heart jumped so hard I had to clutch my chest. "But the following crossmatch tests ultimately showed we're incompatible and your body could reject the kidney." Dad's voice lowered. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I really thought it would happen. I was waiting to tell you after your gymnastics competitions. I didn't want it to mess with your head."
"Oh, okay," I said, my voice quiet. That's three people in my family with the highest possibility of being a match, and none of them were. I felt like the life had been sucked out of me once again.
"Don't lose hope. I've made some calls and am waiting to hear back from some people to see if they're willing to be tested. I didn't want to tell you yet until I had positive news to follow up with."
"It's okay," I said softly. "Back to square one again, I guess."
"It'll happen," Dad said. I could tell he was trying to pump encouraging words into me. "I know it will."
We said our goodbyes and I stood in my kitchen staring at nothing, wondering where I went from here, trying not to ask myself the one question I'd been avoiding since this shit started.
If I never found a match, would I die? Even with dialysis, would I die?
I knew the answer, though. Dialysis was not a way of life.
While sipping my coffee, I flipped through the weather app on my phone and read up on the impending storm. It was a good distraction to take my mind off what Dad had told me and to get my thoughts steered correctly. I really didn't want to stew on the fact I was back at square one again.
The storm was predicted to grow close to a category three. All the hurricane needed was a small shift and the eye would make landfall in Cape Coral. The feeder bands would last hours and do the most damage. However, I still wasn't too concerned. I had bigger pills to swallow.
I reached forward and picked up the medicine bottles. One by one, I poured out the necessary dose and took them, along with eating an apple. I'd been through countless hurricanes. I was in a secure cement building with shutters and having the proper necessities delivered.
What I did worry about was having no outlet to wear myself down to the bone the way practice allowed me to.
During all the research I'd done on lupus and kidney disease, many patients had reported their bodies aching more when there was a drastic change in the weather. I found it laughable someone would claim the weather affected their body, but then I thought about how I’d felt when I woke up this morning, and yesterday morning, and realized I had too felt it.
"Earth to Adrianna. You okay?" Madeline asked, eyeing me with concern.
"Yes," I answered, and yawned. "Why do you ask?"
Madeline took a bite of her banana and chewed slowly. I couldn't have those anymore, not unless I wanted to aggravate my kidneys.
"You're using the wall to hold you up. I thought you were about to fall asleep standing there."
"Oh." I smiled timidly, and shifted on my feet to stand straight. I'd been practicing with her all day. "I'm fine. Just taking a water break," I said, and gave the half full bottle a little shake. My throat was sore and my voice raspy when I answered.
"Alright… I'll meet you at vault. Don't keep me waiting too long. Use the bathroom, eat a protein bar, do what you gotta do, because we'll work for the next three hours or so straight."
"I won't," I said.
I perked up a little at the thought of getting worked to death. That meant no time to think about anything else.
Happy with my response, Madeline turned around. I watched her walk away, my gaze trailing her footsteps until she made an abrupt turn and my gaze latched onto Kova.
Rooted in place, I leaned back against the wall again and watched closely as Kova instructed the men's team. I hadn't trained with him today, or yesterday, and it felt strange. Foreign really, and I missed it more than I’d realized. I felt lost without him next to me.
A few days ago he'd paired me with Madeline to fine-tune skills she had a niche for, and we hadn't talked since. Not even when it was time to leave. All I got was a quick hello and goodbye. I’d hoped we would today, though. At least once before he closed World Cup for the storm. He was the only one I actually wanted to talk to, even if it was just for a few minutes. I'd take what I could get with him.
I couldn't take my eyes off him. He didn't know I was watching as his back was turned to me, but I stared. Even through the supportive way he coached the boys’ team, I knew him well enough that I could sense something was on his mind. He appeared positive and reassuring, but then he turned around to pick up a thick landing mat, and I saw everything. I saw the dark circles under his eyes, the grim, firm line of his mouth. How the space between his brows was permanently creased with lines.
He looked much older than his thirty-three years.
Dragging the mat so it was centered beneath the rings, he dropped it with a loud smack and a cloud of chalk lifted around it. He scrubbed a hand down his scruffy jaw. His hair was a disheveled mess. The black hat he loved to wear was nowhere in sight. Kova looked as withdrawn as I felt.
He turned to the side and spoke to the men's team using his hands and giving examples of what he suggested they do.
I’d noticed he'd been at the gym longer than I had this week. He arrived before I did and left after. I frowned and drank the rest of my water. Had he even gone home?
Thunder cracked across the sky, the rumbling felt beneath my feet, and I jumped, grabbing my chest. I turned around and looked through the giant glass window at the thunderstorm rolling in. Large pellets of water came down hard and fast, the sound of the rain hitting the tin roof reminded me of a rainforest. It was oddly peaceful but then the sky darkened to a hazy gray and the world seemed to dim around me. My vision blurred and my lungs constricted. I
loved the rain, but that impending feeling of doom curled through my chest again like it had early this morning. I was beginning to feel trapped inside myself. A tear leaked from the corner of my eye and I quickly wiped it away.
"Adrianna! Get moving!" Madeline shouted across the gym and clapped her hands obnoxiously. I looked at her, then shot a passing glance at Kova. I held my breath.
He was already watching me, which meant he saw me wipe the tear.
Twenty
My palms burned like hundreds of fire ants were chewing on my skin, and my inner thighs were chafed from the thick rope.
I clenched my body, constricting every muscle I could to climb up and down the coarse rope. I'd alternated between crunches and rope climbing for the last thirty minutes, utilizing every ounce of energy I had.
As my toes reached the floor, I let out a sigh of relief. I had thirty seconds until I was climbing back up. I was almost done with this round of conditioning I’d created for myself. The last thing I had to do was run, then I would be locked inside my condo for the next day or so. Hopefully sleeping the whole time.
"It is time for you to go home," Kova said, his voice flat. He was at the bottom of the rope waiting for me when I got down.
I glanced at him. His hands were propped on his hips and he wasn't smiling. Stern, he was trying to make a point, but I turned away and ignored him. I sat on the floor and laid on my back, then I placed my hands behind my head. Tightening my stomach, I pulled myself up to a sitting position.
One. Two. Three…
Kova dropped to his knees and held my feet down. "Adrianna."
"I'll go home when I'm ready," I said as I came up and faced him.
I was back down when he said, "I think you should go home now."
"No. I said I'll go home when I'm ready."
Kova hissed under his breath. "Adrianna—"
"I'll go home once I'm done. Okay?" I spat and focused on the ceiling.
"And when is that? When you cannot walk anymore?"
I ignored his cheap comment.
"Whenever I'm done. It's not like I'm in anyone's way. No one is even here. So what does it matter?" Everyone but Kova had left nearly two hours ago. "You don't need to be here anyway. I can handle myself."
His eyes bore into mine, one brow raised to a sharp point like he was holding back. "You are overdoing it, Adrianna."
That just irritated me. I was going to get plenty of rest for the whole damn day tomorrow and needed to exhaust myself enough so I could just sleep through it. Otherwise, I'd search things on the internet and feel bad about myself. I'd focus on the pain in my joints, and then they'd hurt even more. Pushing myself with extra conditioning until I could barely walk wasn't the brightest idea I'd ever had, but I was losing control of the situation and this was my way of grasping it and getting through. Especially after the conversation I'd had with my dad and the lack of donor match. I needed this more than ever. I needed to wear my thoughts out and shut my mind down. It's why I loved being at World Cup—it made me forget everything. I didn't want to be alone and stuck inside all day. God forbid the storm got any worse, then I would be stuck in there for days.
"Don't tell me what I need. I'm so sick of hearing what I need from everyone. Tell me, why did you push me off onto Madeline?"
"I did no such thing."
I sat up and faced him, hands still clasped behind my head. Sweat trickled down my temples. "Bullshit. You're lying to me."
"What is going on? Talk to me," he urged, his voice full of concern. "What is on your mind?"
Talk to me. I let out a haughty laugh and went back down. My heart was beating too hard while I tried to talk and work out at the same time.
"Tell me why you haven't spoken to me in days, Coach. Days. You barely even say hi, and now you want to talk?"
"Ah, Coach. You only use Coach when you are angry with me."
I wasn't really angry at him. I was just angry in general. He wasn't helping by telling me to leave.
"What happened between the meet and now for you to pretend I don't exist? I thought we were okay, for the most part anyway."
I hadn’t deliberately sought anyone out, yet I wished he had at least tried to talk to me.
Then it hit me.
I'd gone many days ignoring him and now he was doing it to me. He'd only done it for less than a week and here I was turning into a cry baby over it.
"You're doing it on purpose, aren't you? Because I've been keeping you at arm's length since you married Katja, and you can't stand it anymore. This is your way of getting back at me."
"That is not true." Guilt laced his gentle tone and I felt myself breaking down, one stiff English word at a time. "Not true at all."
"So, I'm imagining it?"
"No. I mean, well…" He sounded remorseful and that was the opposite of what I wanted. "I felt like Madeline was better suited for what you needed. Is that why you are upset and forcing yourself to work out every day after practice now? Because you thought I was ignoring you? I would never do that to you. I am always here to talk if you need me."
I do need you, but I don't want to need you.
I sat up and breathed into his face, trying to catch my breath. My chest was so tight I fought back a flinch from the pain.
"I don't think anything. I know it. You're avoiding me."
Goddammit, I knew I was being irrational, only, I didn't know how to stop it.
Kova sat back on his heels and observed me. "I am not going to argue with you. Go home before the rain starts up and take time to rest. I will see you in a few days. Your attitude makes it clear you need the time off, and the Coach bullshit only solidifies it."
My eyes flared and I stood. Grabbing the rope, I fisted it and said, "I told you, I'll go home when I'm ready."
Gearing up, I held onto the rope above my head, but Kova grabbed my hips to stop me.
"No. You are finished," he said firmly and pulled me back. "You are going to kill yourself."
"I'm already dying anyway, so what does it matter?"
Kova's hands froze around my waist. I squeezed my eyes shut and dropped my head against the rope. Fuck! I couldn't believe that slipped out.
"What did you just say?" he whispered.
"Nothing. Just that everyone is dying the moment they're born. That's all I meant." I tried to wiggle out of his hold but had no luck. "Now let go of me so I can do my last round."
"I will do no such thing."
Blood simmering, I was fired up. Letting go of the rope, I spun around and slipped out of his hold. I glared up at Kova, expecting to see his anger, but I got the opposite.
"What's your damn issue? I'm just trying to stay focused and prepared for Worlds. Why are you holding me back?"
Kova stepped closer to me. "Do not put words into my mouth. I would never hold you back. I am concerned you are going to hurt yourself. Plus, with the storm coming, you need to prepare."
"I am prepared. This is my way of mentally preparing and dealing with shit."
His eyes lowered. "Every night this week I have held my breath watching you, trying to give you the space you so clearly need to deal with whatever it is you have going on in your head. But tonight, it stops. No more running yourself ragged."
I pursed my lips together. "Are you going to let me do my last one?"
"No chance in hell. I watched you enough tonight to know you are too weak to make it to the top. I thought you were going to fall the last time. That is why I came out here, to catch you if I had to."
Weak.
You are too weak.
Kova called me weak.
"You think I'm weak?" My voice trembled, and there was no concealing the hurt I felt. Calling me weak was by far the worst insult. It's what I'd been fearing, that I'd be too weak in the end to achieve anything. I'd rather him call me a bitch than weak.
Before I could stop it, tears filled my eyes as I replayed his words in my head. My jaw bobbed, my blood boiled with fury.
"Ria," he said
softly, his brows angled with regret. Kova reached for me, but I stepped back. "I did not mean it like that. I just did not want you to hurt yourself."
I pushed my index finger into his chest, and whispered with a bite, "Fuck you, Coach."
I spun around and marched away from him. If I couldn't climb, then I'd go for my run.
"Come back here. Where are you going?"
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I threw the door open to the lobby. "To run," I shouted over my shoulder and rounded the corner. Kova was hot on my tail as I walked down the hallway. "You should know that by now since you've been here every night watching me like a freaking creeper."
"Like hell you are."
Oh, he was mad. Good. Now he knew how I felt.
I threw my locker open and reached for my workout shorts. I had a schedule and I needed to stick to it. I had to.
"You can't stop me. Why don't you go home and pick a fight with your wife and leave me alone."
I stepped into my shorts and pulled them up, then grabbed one shoe, but Kova stopped me. He spun me around and stepped up to me. I backed up until I was pressed against the locker. He pointed a finger at me. I had the urge to grab it and bend it backwards.
"Do not do this."
"Do what?" I yelled, my breathing heavy, eyes frantic. I shoved him away. I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my flushed cheeks. My fingers trembled as I wiped them away with the back of my hand. "What am I doing that's so wrong?"
"You know exactly what you are doing. You had a long weekend, then you come in and train harder than usual by adding extra conditioning and hours to your schedule. You have a meet coming up."
"And? So? That's a bad thing?"
His eyes grew hard. "For you, yes."
Nostrils flaring, I said between clenched teeth, "Because you think I'm weak."
Kova stilled to stone. "Weak is the last thing I would ever call you."
"Then what is it?" I pleaded, my voice rising. "Why can't I finish like I've been doing?"
"Because I know you are sick and I cannot stomach to see what you are doing to yourself any longer!"
