by Lucia Franco
Excitement I hadn't felt in ages whooshed through me. My face lit up and I bounced on my toes eagerly. I wanted to run to her, throw my arms around her neck, but I couldn't just leave in the middle of practice, not even to take a break—I needed permission.
I searched for Kova, and he saw my silent plea. He nodded his head with a kind smile. I ran. Maybe opening up about Avery to him had been a blessing in disguise.
Within seconds I was in the lobby throwing myself into my best friend's open arms. She caught me and I wrapped my legs around her like I was a damn spider monkey. She stumbled back but luckily for both of us regained her footing.
"Adrianna!" she squealed in my ear. I almost cried hearing her voice in person. "Oh my God, you're squeezing me to death. Let go." She feigned a choking sound.
I chuckled as she released me. Our hands joined together and we stood inches from each other.
"I can't believe you're here! I figured not for a few more days!" I said.
"I wanted to surprise you, so I came early!"
I was so happy, tears filled my eyes. I hugged her again and squeezed. "You don't know how much I've missed you. How long are you here for?"
"For however long I want to be. I don't have a schedule."
"I'm so excited!" I nodded with a stupid grin on my face.
The door chimed and in walked the definition of a perfect woman.
Katja.
She looked directly at me and I mused to myself that I didn't even know her last name. Not that it mattered anymore since she was now a Kournakova.
"Adrianna."
Her Russian accent was thicker than Kova's. She looked at Avery with questionable eyes, raking a bitter glance down her body. I swallowed nervously, thinking about how the last time I saw her Kova had kicked her out of his office for me.
"Hi, Katja," I said quietly just to be nice.
"Does Konstantin know you are out here?"
An odd question, and I decided not to answer her. She didn't need to know he gave me permission.
Katja made a little sound under her breath and squinted toward the windows that led to the gym. I looked at Avery, who wore the same baffled expression as I did. We both shrugged at the same time and laughed.
"You're so tan," I said to her. "Just like Ba—"
She pointed her index finger at me and raised one brow. "Don't you dare say Barbie, bitch. You know I hate that fucking shit."
I laughed as she scolded me. But she did. She was a life-like version of Barbie but with deep sun-kissed skin I envied. Aside from my Italian roots that blessed me with a Mediterranean tone, I was pale in comparison to her, and now I would always be because of the reaction the sun caused in conjunction with lupus.
"Fine. You look like Paris Hilton."
Her face scrunched up. "Ewww. A walking disease?"
I laughed. "Taylor Swift?"
Her eyes sparkled. "Much better."
"I have to finish up. I have about two hours left. Do you want to wait or go straight to my condo?"
"I'll wait. I don't mind."
"Sweet. I was hoping you'd say that." I smiled from ear to ear. "Ah! I’m so happy you're here!"
I opened the door that led to the gym, and for the second time today, something caught my attention. But it wasn't a color this time. It was Katja’s hushed words drifting through the air, and I frowned. Her giddiness caused me to stall with my hand on the knob.
I fought with myself. I didn't want to turn around to see what she was doing, but I did anyway. I learned from Kova that everything she did had a motive, so her presence at World Cup meant something. I watched Katja hold her stomach as she spoke to a parent from one of the teams and I caught the faint purr of broken English that nipped my mended heart. I saw smiles and I swear I heard blessings of some sort.
"Hey," Avery said softly. Her brows were bunched together as she glanced over my shoulder. "Ignore that dirty gnat and whatever you heard. I have a feeling not everything is what it seems with her."
A sad chuckle rolled from my lips. "Did you just say gnat?"
One side of her mouth pulled to the side. She shrugged her shoulder. "Yeah, I heard it in a new rap song and I loved it. So everyone I find annoying is a gnat."
"Which is everyone since you hate the world."
"Except for you." Her smiled reached her ears. "Finish up and we'll talk later. It seems we both need to have a long girl talk."
I walked back into the gym trying to forget what I saw. I wanted so bad to ask him why she was here, but I couldn’t bring myself to. He knew where I stood and how I felt. I wouldn't stoop to that level and lose respect for myself completely.
Inhale the chalk, exhale the bullshit.
For the next two hours, I pretended like I didn't have a care in the world except for gymnastics.
Kova didn't speak to me except when he was coaching, but then again, I didn't expect anything else since his scheming wife was here to watch her husband.
"Adrianna?" Kova said low, and only for me.
I pulled back the Velcro from my grips to loosen the straps. "Yes?" I said without looking up. Taking off my grips felt as good as taking off my sports bra at the end of the day.
"Look at me."
Hesitant, I raised my eyes. Kova rubbed the back of his neck, his face twisting in distress.
"Do not go there. I know what you think you heard, but it is not true."
I swallowed hard, praying what he said was the truth.
"I told you she wants one, not that she has one."
My stomach tightened, stunned that he was risking such a conversation in public.
Kova muttered under his breath in Russian. "I am asking you to please believe me. Please."
Forty-Two
"He wants you to believe him?" she retorted, her voice surprised. "Did you tell him to go fucking kick rocks?"
I gave Avery a knowing look. "You know I didn't."
She sighed. "Sometimes I wish you would grow a spine and tell him to eat shit, then walk away." Avery's eyes widened and she looked a little worried and tried to retract her words. "Not to say that you don't have a spine, ah, I just that I wish you wouldn’t let him walk all over you."
We were sitting on my bed having a powwow while we drank freshly squeezed lemonade Avery had made. We'd been talking for hours and it felt so good. It was the long-awaited girl talk we should've had a long time ago.
I left no stone unturned. I told her every single thing that had happened with Kova, leaving nothing out. I opened up about Joy, and Avery cursed her to seven different hells. She'd never liked Joy. I told her about my real mom and how I met her, the illness in her family and how it was genetic. Avery encouraged me to meet with her again one day when I was ready. I was honest and told her I was afraid of dying young.
She listened to me. She cried with me. She didn't judge, didn't criticize my choices. She was the ideal best friend who just sat and heard me. Sometimes just listening can be more powerful than anything.
I sighed in understanding. "I know what you mean, it's just hard. I guess I want to give him the benefit of the doubt since we don’t have a normal relationship."
"But is it that? A relationship?" She posed her question carefully.
I picked at the imaginary lint on my comforter. "I honestly don't know what to call it." And I didn't.
"Maybe it doesn't need a label. Sometimes that can ruin a good thing," she offered.
I smiled at her, appreciating her effort. "Yeah, I guess so." I paused. "Does it make me stupid? Be honest."
"It doesn't make you stupid. Love makes people do things they wouldn't typically do, but it doesn't make you, or anyone, stupid. Maybe in that moment it was right and that's really all that matters." She eyed me with a challenge. "And don't even deny you love him. It's obvious you do."
I chuckled sadly. "To you? Or to everyone?"
"I mean, I didn't see you look at him with hearts in your eyes today. I'm sure you're careful not to in public, but when you talk ab
out him, you get this cheesy ass dreamy look in your eyes that embarrasses the shit out of me, but yeah, I can see it. I also know you, so you're asking the wrong chick."
"I'm scared he's going to hurt me again," I said quietly. "I don't want to be hurt again, Ave. I don't think I have the heart for it."
"Aid?"
I looked up.
"He's done a lot to hurt you, there's no denying that. Call me crazy, I can't even believe I'm going to side with Fish Lips, but I don't think all of it was intentional. Your situation isn't a usual one, and you both did things you wouldn't normally do. Do I think you should tread lightly? Fuck yeah, I do, for more reasons than one. Love is risky, and even though they say love shouldn't hurt, it always does because no one has a perfect love. It's all trial and error. If you allow yourself to love someone, you're giving them power over you. To me, that hurts. I don't want anyone to have any kind of power over me ever again. Yes, there are a ton of reasons why you should walk away and let it go, but can you think of at least one reason that makes you want to stay and chance it?"
I nodded immediately. I didn't hesitate.
"What is it?" she asked, her eyes soft.
"It sounds so stupid—"
"No, it doesn't. If it makes sense to you, then that's all that matters."
"He encourages me. I want to be a better person, a better gymnast, because of him. I can feel his energy and I love it. It gives me life. He's made me strong, even at my weakest point when I shut the world out, I could look for him and he would always just be right there. He doesn't even have to say anything, Avery, it's just like he knows, and I'm suddenly okay. Like a peace settles within me. I'm sure what I'm saying doesn’t make sense. I know he does things backwards all the time, says all the wrong things, and he doesn't always make sense in that moment, but eventually, it does." I paused and shook my head. Nothing I said out loud made sense. "You know what he said to me when I felt hopeless? When I was terrified and sinking into a deep depression? That I should use my sickness as inspiration, that I should live for it instead of allowing it to kill me." My voice dropped. "He said he wanted to live with me."
I glanced up and Avery had tears in her eyes.
"You should marry that stupid Russian."
I burst out laughing. "Too late. He’s already got a ring on his finger. Not that I could marry him now anyway."
"It won't last, Aid. Trust me, it won't. Not after everything you told me about the blackmail, Cuntja, the way—"
"Cuntja?" I asked, finding a comical flare to the sound of it.
"Yeah, Katja and cunt. Cuntja," she said like it was obvious.
A burst of laughter erupted from me and I giggled hysterically.
"Oh my god! That's the best!" I said between fits of laughter. It was the perfect name to describe his wife. Sobering up, I asked, "Do you think it's fair, though? I mean, she's probably the way she is because of me."
"You said Kova told you the issues between them started before you got here, so no. She's just a bitch because she was born with it in her blood, and because Joy also gave her the ammo to be a vindictive bitch at that."
I nodded, agreeing with her. Still, I was sure I didn't help their situation.
Avery continued. "What I was saying was, the way he is with you when it's just you guys is not the same guy you see out in the public. And who cares? What matters is how he is with you. He has to deflect right now and be a dick. I think it probably bothers him that he's banging a gymnast who is still a teen. At least, I hope it would." She laughed nervously. "Think about it. If it were you, like if you were in Kova's shoes, what would you do? Right now is the wrong time, yes, and some days he needs an attitude adjustment, but one day everything will be right in the world, and it will be for you guys too."
I smiled appreciatively at her. I loved my best friend. She sorted out my muddled thoughts.
"You never knew about any of this? About the lupus and kidneys? Xavier never told you?"
She shook her head and looked down with a sad expression on her face. I was genuinely surprised.
"No." Her voice was low. "I honestly never knew."
"Wow. I figured he would have."
"We haven't done much talking since everything happened…" she said quietly, like it hurt it to utter those words.
"But I saw you guys together on Instagram on the Fourth of July."
She shook her head and looked down. The sadness on her face told me everything I needed to know.
"It's not like that. I promise. We tried to hang out, but he can't get over what I did."
"You mean the abortion?"
She nodded silently. "It's not what you think… I didn't have an abortion."
Forty-Three
"What? What are you talking about?"
Avery exhaled a large breath and eyed her glass of lemonade. A few seconds ago she’d been my rock, giving me inspiring words. Now she seemed broken inside, her face paling. Her thumb rimmed the lip of the glass as she blinked, like she was lost in her thoughts.
"Are you sure you want to hear this?" she asked me, her voice low. "It's not all rainbows and butterflies, and you have to make me a promise to never tell your brother, no matter what I tell you."
I reached for her hand and her fingers wrapped around mine. I didn't say anything. I didn't need to. She knew I'd never do that. We both positioned ourselves against my headboard and sat back.
"There's a lot you don't know about your brother," she said quietly.
Didn't surprise me. Most siblings were like that.
"Tell me when you started to date him."
She looked at me with guarded eyes. "We never dated. We were together but we never dated officially."
"I kind of gathered that. I just don't know how you guys made it work when he was in school."
"He came home on the weekends a lot to see me and then we hid out in the guest house together or went to parties. Or I'd go visit him. It wasn't hard to sneak around, honestly, and no one thought anything of it because my brothers were there too. I just looked like the little sister that tagged along, you know?"
I nodded. Made sense. Anything was possible with enough courage.
Avery released a breath like she just let the weight of her world go.
"Don't hold back from me, okay? No more."
She glanced in my direction and smiled softly.
"It sucks because I still want him, even after everything. He's a different person when it's just me and him. Kind of like with you and Kova, I guess." She paused to swallow, then chewed on her bottom lip like she was nervous to tell me. "We started up about two years ago. We teased each other like siblings do, but then something somehow morphed into something else and we became more. He was like a best friend with benefits in a way. Once we started hooking up, we fell hard for each other. I loved him… I think I still love him."
My brows shot up. "I can't believe I never knew. How did I not I see it? I feel like everything is so obvious now, but at the time… Like New Year’s… I should've seen it."
"You wouldn't have. No one would have. Our parents were never around. You were doing gymnastics morning, noon, and night, and we were good at hiding it. It was so easy."
I nodded my head back and forth. She had a point. Sneaking around is easy when you want something bad enough.
"The parties, though…that's where all of our issues stem from. There's so much drugs and aggression and testosterone at them. At the time, we didn't think anything of it. We were living our best life, but hindsight is a bitch. We'd drink and smoke some weed, then go back to his house and smush like rabbits. But it wasn't just like any hookup. It was way more for both of us. I can't explain it, like it just was, and he knew that."
Avery exhaled another big breath like it was hard for her to get into the nitty-gritty of the story. I felt bad.
"If it's too hard to talk about, we don't have to," I said gently.
She shook her head. "No, I need to tell you everything."
Scooting
closer to her, I rested my head on her shoulder, hoping to give her the courage to keep going. "Go on."
She waited a long moment.
"So I'm not sure if you know, but Xavier's into fighting. Like MMA shit, but it's underground. He's good at it too, undefeated…or at least he was." Her voice trailed off like she was saddened by the memory. "Xavier said I was his lucky charm and he had me in his corner at every fight. He didn't lose a match, until we stopped being together. He hasn't won since."
"I had a feeling he was into something reckless, but I didn't know it was that." I thought back to one of the times I went home and he had some cuts and bruises on his face and how he had played it off. I just assumed he was being an idiot with his friends and left it alone. "How cliché of him. Rich punk into underground fighting." I rolled my eyes.
"He makes money, girl. Good money. Well, he did."
I shook my head, puzzled. "Why, though? He doesn't need it."
She shrugged one shoulder. "Because he's good at it and can. Why does anyone do stupid things like that? It was a rush to watch him, and he'd tell me that's what it was like for him too when he was fighting. He was high all the time, so I'm sure the adrenaline and coke were making him feel twenty feet tall."
"He was doing cocaine?" I asked, my voice low, as if someone might hear me. Cocaine and fighting couldn’t be a good combination on the heart. Dread began to cultivate in my stomach like black smoke and I started to fear the worst possible scenario.
"Oh, he was doing more than that. Coke, Ex, Oxy, Vicodin, Xanax, anything he could get his hands on, however he could take it, he did. Snorting, shooting, chewing pills, he did it all. He'd get so high he didn't want to come down, so he’d move on to something stronger."
I was going to be sick. Instant worry for my dumb ass brother and his recklessness struck me when something else dawned on me. I lifted my head up and turned toward Avery.
"You were doing drugs with him, weren't you?"
She looked away. Embarrassment flushed her cheeks and she nodded.
My lips turned downward. "Ave, is he still doing this?"
