by Lucia Franco
She nodded, accepting what I said. "Yeah, I guess I could see it from your point of view." She paused. "You're only telling me because I saw the bottles, aren't you?"
"Kind of," I said with a partial smile. "Trust me, I complain a lot to myself. I'm sick of hearing it." Holly laughed, but it was a sad one. "Don't feel bad," I said, "I'd rather deal with it on my own, to be honest. The last thing I want is for someone to worry about it, like baby me, you know?"
"Yeah, I get that. It just sucks."
This time I really laughed. "Just a little bit."
Holly was quiet for a little while. "I just can't believe it. You train harder than most of us, you attend more meets than we do, and you have your eyes set on the Olympics. All while dealing with this?"
"I'm more focused than ever now. When I got the diagnosis, I felt like I had a timer on my life. I was so scared I wouldn't get to live and experience life. I kind of fell into a little bit of a depression because of it and lost my sight, so to stay busy I would just train and keep pushing to take my mind off things."
"You did?"
I nodded. I met her gaze with a pained looked in my eyes. She knew I had a story to tell but I was deciding if I should go the whole mile. I opened my mouth, but she spoke first.
"So before you came to World Cup, there was another coach who Kova ended up firing once he bought the gym. He'd been there for years. We all grew up with him, but we all didn't like him."
Holly shivered, her face twisting in repugnance. I had a feeling what she was trying to tell me was more difficult for her to say than for me to hear.
"Every once in a while I'll see him at a meet and it's as fresh as if it had happened yesterday."
"Who's him? The coach?"
She nodded. "There's a reason why I said what I did to you yesterday about Kova. I know you denied it and all, but I was worried and didn't want you to go through what I did."
My chest deflated. "Holly? If you don't want to tell me anything, you don't have to."
"I want to," she said, still unable to look at me. So I closed my mouth and let her speak. "He was a coach I grew up with, someone my family was friends with, and someone we all put trust into."
She shook her head and mumbled to herself but I caught it.
It's always the ones you never suspect.
Holly took a deep breath and continued. "There was something about him that felt off. He was so mean, but he got results, so I never questioned what he was doing. None of us did. He was the coach and that was that, you know?
"But then…something changed. I can't pinpoint when, or why, but…he…there was this time, no, a bunch of times…" She sighed. I knew where this was going without her saying it, so I did.
Softly, with compassion, I said, "He touched you."
Her uneasy eyes lingered on mine for a moment before she blinked, and said, "Yeah. A lot. I didn't know that he shouldn't. I mean, that's not true. I know now it was wrong, but at the same time he was someone more than a coach, and I thought it was okay because why else would I think it was wrong? We're so isolated, people could never understand this sort of lifestyle is normal for us. Being close with our coaches, traveling alone with them, looking at them almost like a parent. We idolize them. I’m not stupid. I know no parent would ever touch me the way he did, but I didn't think it was wrong either. I know I’m not making any sense, you probably don't know what I mean." She sighed again, resigned, and I was saddened by this news.
I knew exactly what she meant. I'd heard it all before. It was something that happened all the time in the gym world. Now I knew why she was worried about me.
"You don't have to explain it. I know."
Her chest fell. "I spiraled out of control and I went on this crazy boy train. I skipped practice, hooked up with guys from school, snuck out at night, talked back to my parents. I was a mess. All the while my amazing coach," she said sarcastically and rolled her eyes, "kept molesting me and making me feel so disgusting. I thought if I went out with boys I actually liked, that it would be okay."
"If he made you feel that way, why'd you keep going back?"
She shrugged helplessly. "Sometimes I felt like I didn't have a choice. I was becoming a really good gymnast. I guess I thought I owed it to him. He was so manipulating, though. I never saw him for who he truly was until it was too late." She paused, her voice dropping like she was embarrassed. "I had to go to therapy for it."
I frowned. "How old were you when this happened."
A tear slipped from the corner of her eye. She quickly wiped it away.
"I was nine when the touching began. It stopped when Kova bought the gym. I was almost fifteen then." My brows shot up. This was more recent than I was aware. I recalled Kova telling me a story about how he’d fired a coach the day he purchased World Cup for his abusive treatment. I didn't realize it was Holly's coach. "Can you believe I cried on Kova's shoulder and thanked him? I was mortified, but I was so happy too. Kova threatened him and he never came back." Holly was quiet for a moment, like she was deep in her thoughts. "I wish Kova had come to the gym sooner. He saved me. I don't know what I would've done without him."
Fifty-Three
I stared at Holly, wishing there was something I could say or do to help her, but I knew there were no words that would bring her comfort.
"Kova didn't call the police?"
"He called my parents. Kova wanted to call the police, but my parents begged him not to. He swore he wouldn't. If that wasn't enough, like any parent when they hear their daughter is being sexually abused, they wanted to pull me and my brother from World Cup and basically lock us in our home. They put complete trust and faith into that coach and he took advantage. They didn't want it to happen again. I was devastated. God, I was so upset. I apologized thinking, it was my fault, but looking back, I don't blame them. If it were my daughter, I'd react the same way."
Dread ran through me. I'd heard this story one too many times. "So he got away with it," I said, and she nodded. "And you thought the same thing was happening with me."
She looked up and wrapped her arms around herself. "I have thought that for a little while now. It was strange though, like you didn't look at him the way I did when I looked at my old coach. And Kova doesn't have those creepy eyes when he looks at you," she said, surprise lacing her tone. "I thought something was going on, I just didn't know what, but after what I went through and after all the therapy, I felt strongly about speaking up to you. I didn't want you to go through what I did."
I contemplated how far I should take this conversation, whether or not to reveal a secret that could jeopardize more than one life, or watch her drown in her memories and imagine the worst. I wanted to tell her, my gut said to risk it, but the less anyone knew the better. However, the need to soothe her damaged heart consumed me.
Holly continued, her voice splintered with each word. She reminded me of a crystal vase—the slightest tap would permanently break it.
"You know how there's a strict dating rule?" she said, voice low. I nodded. "It's because of me. There's things you don't know… that no one knows about."
"One time Hayden mentioned something about the dating rule and you, but he refused to say anything more. I tried to pry it out of him. That boy is solid as a rock. He wouldn't budge."
Despair layered her words. "Hayden is protective. I'm kinda glad he never told you. It's embarrassing."
I smiled to myself. Her twin was a giant teddy bear who wanted to comfort and guard everyone. A lot made sense now. Hayden would never accept Kova no matter how much I pleaded my case to him, because of what had happened to Holly. She had been easily manipulated by her old coach, and he assumed I'd been too. It was easy to say I wasn't, but the words were empty when his sister had actually experienced it.
"He's been worried about you, you know."
"I don't think Hayden is capable of not worrying about anyone," I said, and she agreed. "Why is there a dating rule in effect?" I asked.
She glanced
at me, then let go of the comforter she was picking at, like she'd finally let go of the shame she carried with her. She dried her cheeks with the back of her hand.
"Before the coach was fired, I spiraled out of control. I skipped practices so I wouldn’t have to see him. And like I said, I hooked up with kids from school just to feel normal. I had a terrible attitude. It was too late before I realized that my actions had backfired on me because my coach noticed too. He'd gotten worse than ever with me, and I ended up confessing to Hayden one night. I couldn't take anymore and I broke down. I told him I needed to take an STD test because I had a bump on me that I freaked out over. It ended up being nothing, but Hayden was furious and got involved trying to help. By that point Kova threatened to expel me from World Cup for my behavior." She paused, taking a deep breath. "Hayden went to Kova and pleaded with him, telling him everything that had been going on and how I needed to take an STD test. That’s when Kova called my parents. When they wanted to pull us from World Cup, Kova went to bat for us. He told them of his plans to fire my coach the moment he bought the building so we could stay. Unfortunately around the same time, my dad took a job in Ohio. It was an offer he couldn't refuse, but I didn't want to leave and neither did Hayden. They couldn’t afford to keep us training here, let alone in a rented apartment, and they sure as hell wouldn't trust another coach so soon. That was when Kova suddenly had a scholarship program no one knew about."
My face scrunched up. That was news to me. "What scholarship program?"
"Exactly."
"The program would pay for me and Hayden to train full time and the meet costs. The only thing my parents had to pay for were the travel, leos, and other needs outside of the gym. Kova said he saw our true potential and that we could live with him and Katja until we got our own place so they could watch over us. It wasn't easy for my parents. They had to come to an agreement, like Kova agreeing not to go to the cops. It took time and money."
It was easily over two grand a month just for both of them to train full-time elite, not to mention the leotards could run as high as five hundred dollars for one. Training at the Olympic level often created financial strain on families, some going as far as to file bankruptcy. Elite was almost as heavy with expenses. With Kova footing the bill, it alleviated the burden on the family with the possibility of securing a future for Hayden and Holly. The whole reason Holly was still competing at an elite level was to hopefully gain a full-ride scholarship to college. Hayden had received one, and Holly was praying she would too.
"In return, we had to sign a no-dating agreement. Kova said his time was valuable and we had to respect it. He was giving us one chance, and one chance only. "
I laughed. "I'm sorry for laughing, it's just so Kova."
"I know. I think he felt guilty he hadn't caught on sooner with my coach, so this was his way of giving back. I don't have to tell you how often this happens or how most coaches get away with it. My parents said he even offered to pay for the therapy, but they declined and said he was doing enough for us already. Ultimately, my mom stayed back for a few months until she put us in the trust and care of Kova. We tell everyone that we’ve lived on our own since sixteen, but it's a lie. My parents were running out of money with the move to Ohio, so we lived with Kova and Katja for a little while. Once the coach was fired, we got our own apartment. That gave my parents the time they needed to get our place situated. Kova knew how much gymnastics meant to me and my brother and he wanted us to have it without worry, but with security. And we did."
My eyes were focused on Holly, my chest aching for the time that was stolen from her. She was the all-American girl on the outside, but on the inside, she was suffering and in a state of anxiety thinking I was being abused like she had been. There was so much I didn't know about the people I spent fifty hours a week with. I knew them, yet they were virtual strangers.
Quietly, she said, "Kova was the one to pull me out of it. He worked with me at my pace until I was ready to train elite. He said if I was never ready then that would be okay, but that we had to try. I owe him so much."
Tears immediately filled my eyes. I blinked them away. He'd done the same for me and it was something I could never repay him for. It was hard to wrap my head around Kova and this story. His generosity, his compassion, why he never told me. It made a lot of sense now. Kova had struggled growing up. The thought occurred to me that he was trying to make a change, possibly trying to give to those who might not have the chance. It placed him in a light that was riveting and took me by complete surprise. It made my heart beat for him and who he was underneath, the layer he kept hidden to the world. After all our ups and downs, I knew there was a man with a big heart there, I just didn't know how big it really was.
Swallowing, I exhaled the worry of telling a secret, and opened up the way she had.
"Kova was the one to pull me out of the dark hole I'd been stuck in too. When the diagnoses came, I shut down and didn't tell anyone. On top of that, I'd been dealing with so many personal things at home I was trying to not let get to me too. I had so much weight I was carrying around every day that I tried to channel into gymnastics. I'd wake up and think, what else could go wrong?" I paused for a moment, thinking. "It took some time, but you know how when you just hold it all in and then you explode and it's usually on the wrong person?" She nodded. "That's what happened. I blew up, and I blew up on him. He let me." Her brows shot up. "Kova knew about it—my dad told him, even though he promised me he wouldn't—and so he'd been trying all along to help me. I just didn't know it because I didn't see it from shutting everyone out."
Holly chewed on her lip for a long moment. "Was there something going on before this? You and him?" Her question was soft and without judgment.
"Yes."
Her shoulders fell. Her reaction part shocked part sad. "I knew it. I had a feeling, but I wasn't sure either."
"It's not like what you and your coach went through. I know it sounds like I'm defending him, but I'm not. I promise. If anything, I pushed him."
"I believe you, it's just hard to accept, you know? There's always a shadow of doubt. I know Kova and I would never put him in the same category of that other coach. It's just…" She let out a sigh. "Yeah, I get it."
I nodded. It made sense. "Do you think the others know?" I asked, praying for two little letters. Holly shook her head and I exhaled in relief.
"If they knew, they'd talk about it."
"Reagan kind of knows." Her eyes widened. "I didn't speak to her about it and I never will, but she caught on the day Katja came to the gym and told everyone about the wedding."
She blinked like she was thinking back to that day. "Yeah, that was a surprise."
"How so?"
"They just never seemed totally in love, you know? I knew they loved each other—like I love you, but not like I love you like that."
The knots in my stomach tightened just thinking about that dreadful day and how I wished I could erase it from my memory.
"He'd been married for months, Holly."
"Yeah, another shock. Especially with the way he always looked at you."
Air seized my lungs. "It's been that obvious since then?"
"No, I really don't think so. After what I've been through and given the fact I know him a little better than others, I can see it."
"How does he look at me?"
"With admiration, almost like he loves you. He sure doesn't look at his wife in the same way." She paused. "I take that back. He does seem like he loves her but it's just different. I can't explain it. Like he tries so hard not to look at you but when he does it's like awe in his eyes. It's kind of funny since he's a man. Usually it's the woman acting like that."
"No way. He doesn't look at me like that."
"It's the truth. Hayden sees it too. Kova looks at you differently. He definitely doesn’t look at me like he does you, which I'm glad about." She laughed half-heartedly. "If he did, it might trigger PTSD."
I laughed, and covered my m
outh. I giggled way harder than I should have at that comment.
"I'm serious," she said.
"I know it may seem hard to believe, but he didn't force me into anything. It was the opposite, actually. He tried not to but I just kept pushing and pushing until I got what I wanted."
"Even though you knew he had a girlfriend?"
My cheeks heated with embarrassment. I blinked hard, ashamed to open my eyes.
"Yes. I know it makes me a bad person. This might sound cheesy, but he's my other half. I can't imagine a future that he's not in." I inhaled and expelled a weighted breath, then got real with her. "The thing is, I don't know how to stop loving him. My heart beats for him, Holly, every single day. I know it's wrong and I'm not supposed to, but I love him. I don't know how to stop it."
She sucked in a quiet gasp. "Knowing he has a wife doesn't bother you?"
I looked her directly in the eyes and told her the truth. "No, it doesn't."
Her brows shot up, she was taken aback. I didn't blame her. "That's kind of… " Holly didn't finish her sentence.
"Shitty?"
She nodded regrettably. I knew I should feel remorse for what I've done, but the truth was, I didn't. I don't know if I ever did.
"I don't know what I'm going to do. I know the right thing would be to sever ties with him, but I just can't because deep down, I don't want to. My mind gives me warnings but my heart plows them down with nothing but love for him. And love always wins, right? Isn't it supposed to?"
Holly was quiet for a moment. "But he has a wife."
"I know.”
"Is he going to divorce her?"
Quietly, I said, "No, not that I'm aware of. But I'd never ask for that either."
"Then what are you going to do?"
I thought about it for a moment before I said, "I can only love him in the dark."
Fifty-Four
