“Pictures that look flat until you refocus. Then you see them in three dimensions. They—” He broke off, because there was a commotion not far from the castle. In fact it was a female scream, and a loud squawking.
“A girl’s in trouble!” Zosi said. “We have to help her.”
“Of course.” They ran together toward the sound.
Soon they saw it: a young woman floundering in a bog, while a winged monster flew toward her. It would reach her before they could, unfortunately.
“Hey!” Kody shouted. “Leave her alone!” Not that he thought it would do much good.
But the creature paused, glancing at him. Then it settled for a landing beside the woman. It put its huge eagle head down to her flailing body.
She flung her arms around its neck and hung on as the monster jerked back. It backed away, but she clung to it, her feet dragging.
Then Kody and Zosi arrived. He summoned a reverse wood chip, ready to flip it. And paused.
The monster was not attacking the girl. It was simply standing there while she sobbed into its feathers. “Is this normal?” Kody asked Zosi.
“I don’t think so. That’s a griffin; I can tell because its hide is the color of shoe polish.”
“A griffin!” He recognized it now: a creature with the head and wings of an eagle, and the body of a lion. Like a greatly enlarged catbird.
“Normally it would dunk her in a clean pool, because they don’t like dirty food, then eat her. Maybe we are distracting it.”
The griffin looked at them and squawked negatively. Then its tail came around and rubbed against its own hide on the side. A word appeared: NO
“It understands us!” Kody said, amazed.
The tail moved again, finger-painting more letters in the polish. YES
“You weren’t attacking the woman,” Zosi said, as surprised as Kody was.
YES
“You were rescuing her,” Kody said.
YES
Now the woman recovered some of her composure. She had blond hair, dark eyes, and European features. She was lithe and slimly built. “Yes. I was stuck in that awful blog and was getting overwhelmed by its opinionations. I had mistaken its nature and thought I could simply slog through it. That was a stupid mistake, and I hate making that kind, because I am very intelligent.” She had a British accent. “Fortunately the griffin heard me scream and came to help.”
Kody put it together. Not a bog, but a blog. Evidently such a mass of ignorant opinions that the woman had become disoriented and lost her poise. It seemed that such things happened in this weird realm. Actually they could happen in Mundania too; he had been stuck once in a public place with a radio blaring out phenomenally ignorant political verbiage and had soon felt ill.
“Let’s exchange introductions,” Zosi said. “I am Zosi Zombie.”
The griffin shied away in horror.
“Not at the moment,” Kody said quickly. “She is a living woman now. No rot.”
The griffin relaxed. Then it painted more letters on its side. ZAP
“Zap Griffin,” Zosi said. “We are pleased to meet you, sir.”
FEM
“Oh,” Zosi said, embarrassed. “I didn’t, er, look.”
“Pleased,” Kody echoed. He hadn’t looked either. “I am Kody, from Mundania. I’m dreaming this.”
They let that pass, maybe assuming he was speaking figuratively.
“I am the Maiden Yukay,” the woman said. When the others, including the griffin, looked blank, she launched into her personal history. “I was delivered eighteen years ago to the Maiden Japan. I never knew my father, but he was said to be one of the three most intelligent men in Xanth at the time, which may be how he impressed my mother. She expected much of me, but was disappointed. I existed in my own perfect little world, unresponsive to speech, unable to speak myself until age six. These were symptoms of my magic talent, which is Precise Harmony with the Physical Universe, otherwise known as Zen.”
“We have that in Mundania,” Kody said, marveling at her self-description. Was it unusually candid, or delusional?
“Mother thought I was developmentally disabled,” Yukay continued. “But then she realized that I could perform any feat effortlessly, as long as I had never tried it before, and my mind was unfocused, or in a Zen state. So something I could do perfectly the first time, like accurately loosing an arrow at a moving target, I was unable to do again, making it seem like sheer luck. But if I deliberately went into the Zen state, I could do new things or variants of prior things. That made my talent seem less unreliable.” She took a breath. “I am emotional, loyal, tenderhearted, and loving, but have been unable to function effectively in Xanth. So I elected to see the Good Magician, who I hope will tell me how to modify my behavior so as to become effective.”
“Lotsa luck there,” Kody murmured, remembering the famous obscurity of the Good Magician’s Answers.
“But then, focusing on the castle, I waded into the blog and was bombarded by blathering ignorance. It was utterly awful! Fortunately you folk came to rescue me.”
“If the Good Magician’s Answer is like the one he gave us,” Zosi said, “he will tell you to travel on a Quest, yours or someone else’s, where you will find your Answer in due course.”
Yukay sighed. “So I understand. I delayed coming here for some time for that very reason. But what else is there for me?”
“You might consider traveling with us,” Kody said. “We are already on a Quest or two.”
She gazed at him with her beautiful eyes. “There is something odd about the way you look at me.”
“I see you as you are: a lovely young woman.”
“That must be it,” she agreed. “Others are revolted by my aspect. Ever since the Curse manifested.”
“My Quest is to abolish that Curse,” Kody said.
Yukay considered. “There’s almost a certain nonsensical sense to that. Substituting one Quest for another, without the intercession of the Good Magician and his required year’s Service or Equivalent. I must confess that abolishing the Curse is almost as important to me as becoming more effective. Without the Curse I hardly need to be effective; no one notices. But questions remain.”
“I can think of one,” Kody said. “Will our Quest provide you the Answer, or must it be your own similar Quest? And I can’t answer.”
“The other relates to your Quest companion,” Yukay said. “She is a reasonably ugly woman, which means you see her as reasonably pretty. While I—” She paused. “How do you see me, Zosi?”
“Repulsively ugly.”
“Precisely. Which means Kody sees me as outstandingly lovely. I am likely to divert his attention from you, men being superficial in that respect. Would you prefer that I not join your party?”
“Oh, that’s all right,” Zosi said. “I will revert to zombie status after this Quest. I’m not looking for any romantic association.”
Not consciously, Kody thought. But unconsciously she was, well, hungry. That kiss had been potent, and there was the flying heart.
“Neither am I,” Yukay said. “But sometimes these things happen unbidden.”
“I am here on what might be considered a temporary visa,” Kody said. “After the Quest is done, I will be gone. So I am not in the market either.”
“Then it seems it is all right,” Yukay concluded. “I will join your Quest, and assist in whatever ways I can.” She smiled. “Though I confess knowing that Kody sees me as appealing does enhance my self-respect, despite the fact that I see him as a thoroughly homely man.”
“Oh, thank you,” Kody said. Because that was actually a compliment, in this context.
“Oh, I must look a sight,” Yukay said. “Now that someone can see me, I mean.” She produced a compact mirror and looked at her face. “My hair is all mussed!”
“It’s lovely hair regardless,” Kody reassured her.
“And my nose is smudged. And I seem to have lost my hankie.” She walked to a nearby fabric b
ush and picked a fresh hankie. But it tugged out of her hand and flew away.
It passed Kody. He snagged it from the air and returned it to her. “Must be a hanky-panky,” he said, feeling very gentlemanly. “It requires a very firm grip or it makes mischief.”
She flashed him a smile. “Thank you.” She took the hanky, now spelled with a y, with a very firm grip and made it behave as she erased the smudge. Then she combed her mussed hair. She had looked pretty before; now she was downright beautiful. When she was done she tucked the hanky into her purse, anchoring it securely. It tugged but could not escape, and soon resigned itself to its fate.
Kody realized belatedly that her name was a pun: Maiden Yukay, MADE IN THE UK. The United Kingdom, or Britain. She was the daughter of the Maiden Japan? This Land of Xanth seemed to be largely made of puns, regardless of how well they integrated with reality.
They turned to Zap. “I thank you again for coming to my rescue,” Yukay said. “I want to be your friend.”
The griffin nodded. YES
“I presume you were in the vicinity because you, also, are traveling to see the Good Magician.”
The griffin swished her tail across her side. YES
“So you must have some question or problem you fear only the Good Magician can solve.”
YES
“If I may inquire, what is it?”
The griffin could not answer with a yes or no, so Yukay adapted the game of Nineteen Questions to tease out the story. It seemed that Zap was once a lucky-go-happy griffin bouncing around the glens and rills of Xanth with little awareness of the future. Then she pounced on a juicy fresh rabbit.
But instead of coming loose from the ground when she grasped it in her talons, the rabbit swelled up into triple size, turned angry red, and blew smoke from its ears. “Unclaw me, beaksnoot!” it demanded.
Surprised, Zap flew higher with it.
The rabbit turned furious blue and grew fangs. “Are you hard of hearing, buffalo wings?” it festered.
Zap still flew upward, uncertain what to do about this nuisance.
The rabbit expanded into a full-sized demon. “Then be cursed, birdbrain! You will never eat a rabbit again, or any other meat. In fact I am foisting off on you a surplus soul I happen to have handy. Take that!” The demon made a throwing motion, and something invisible whomped into her body. Then the demon puffed into acrid smoke and dissipated.
It seemed the demon had been emulating a rabbit, and she had snatched it up, unawares. Now, suddenly, she had a soul. That was supposed to be a curse?
Soon enough it became clear that it was indeed a curse. She was unable to hurt anything, let alone kill an animal to eat. She became a vegetarian and something of a pacifist, seeking no quarrel with anything. Since griffins lived on fresh meat, this was a problem. She was in danger of starving to death. She had to forage to find vegetable swampmeat, which was awful stuff that made her constantly ill. She could no longer play games of kill-the-prey with her griffin playmates, which caused them to shun her. Her life was ruined. All because of that cursed soul.
So she decided to ask the Good Magician what to do about it. Was there a way to get rid of the soul? Then, when almost there, she had heard the Maiden Yukay scream, and had to fly to the rescue, because the soul made her do it. Now she was here, and it was time to be moving on, because the castle Challenges were probably awaiting her.
“Did it ever occur to you that you might actually be better off with a soul?” Yukay asked.
NO
“But many creatures are desperate to get souls,” Zosi protested. “Only humans are guaranteed them.”
YES But the griffin plainly remained unhappy.
Kody stepped into the dialogue. “As I understand it, the soul is responsible for conscience and appreciation of the finer things in life,” he said. “In time you should come to value it.”
MAYBE Zap agreed dubiously.
“It occurs to me that a fighting creature like a griffin might be a useful Companion to have on a Quest,” Yukay said. “Even a pacifistic one.”
“And our Quest might turn up something that helps,” Zosi agreed. “If only other Companions who appreciate souls.”
Kody saw the handwriting on the invisible wall. “Zap, why don’t you join our Quest,” he said. “At least it will save you a year of service to the Good Magician, as we hope to complete it in a few days.”
?
“It’s a double Quest,” Kody explained. “To reverse the Curse that reverses appearance, and to find a way to restore zombies to Xanth before they are rendered extinct. These things might not mean much to regular griffins, but there are those who would sincerely appreciate their accomplishment.”
“Support of such missions would be a decent thing,” Yukay said. “The kind of thing to put a soul at rest.”
Zap considered for a long moment, almost a moment and a half. YES
Kody wondered whether the griffin was being practical. That soul probably gave her fits when she ran afoul of its confusing strictures. Traveling with souled folk was bound to make that aspect easier. “Then it’s agreed,” he said.
Zap moved her tail. BUT I HAVE Then after a moment she wiped her side clear and started over. NOTHING TO She waited, giving them time to read it, then wiped it clear again. CONTRIBUTE
“You saved me from the dread Blog!” Yukay said. “Isn’t that enough?”
NO
Kody stepped in. “You feel you are accepting the benefit of our company and Quest and don’t want to be a drag. You want to contribute your share.”
YES
Yukay glanced at him with sidelong respect. “You are sensitive to her feelings.”
Kody shrugged. “I have had my own experiences with exclusion and inclusion.”
“Haven’t we all,” Zosi said with feeling. Zombies were considered the lowest of the low, and Kody was sure they were normally excluded from polite society.
Yukay nodded. “Very well. Let’s see what Zap has to offer.” She faced the griffin. “Do you have any special abilities, apart from those natural to your kind, like flying?”
NO
Yukay did not give up. “Is there anything you’re good at, even if it seems irrelevant?”
PUNS Zap wrote, embarrassed.
“You emit puns?” Yukay asked, wrinkling her nose.
NO
“You merely recognize them?”
YES
There was a silence.
Zosi came to the rescue. “It is the nature of Quests for Companions to be assembled seemingly randomly, but to turn out to have relevant abilities when the need arises. The abilities don’t need to be grandiose, merely right for the occasion. It may be that there will come a time when quick pun recognition makes a difference.”
“There may be a job for her at Caprice Castle,” Kody said. “They are collecting puns there, trying to make Xanth safe for normal folk.”
“Squawk,” Zap said appreciatively.
“We could encounter Caprice,” Kody said. “It travels wherever puns are found. I understand that pun duty is considered hard labor, and they have trouble holding on to workers.”
I CAN DO IT
That seemed to suffice. The griffin now felt comfortable joining the Quest.
So now they were four. It was time to get moving.
“So where are we going?” Yukay inquired brightly.
“I … am still pondering that,” Kody said, not caring to admit he had no idea. “Any suggestions?”
“Weren’t we about to try the cheese board?” Zosi asked.
“Good idea.” He brought it out. It had, it seemed, neatly folded itself and returned to his pocket when they heard Yukay’s scream. “This is a dual purpose device. We can play games on it, like check hers and cheese. We can also travel by it. The key is to see the images, then touch the one that shows where we want to go.”
Yukay and Zap looked blank.
“I haven’t seen the images yet,” Zosi said. “So we can all
try together.”
Kody set the board down on the ground and they all got down and pored over it. “You see the cheese pieces?”
“Squawk.” That sounded affirmative.
“Yes,” Yukay agreed. “After I saw the naughty check hers figures.”
“Now fuzz your gaze somewhat. Try to look through it, at an object some distance beyond it, crazy as that sounds. You’ll know it when you see it.”
They all refocused, not seeing it.
“Like this,” Kody said, doing it himself. The images leaped into focus.
There was a three-way exclamation. Suddenly they all were seeing it. It seemed that his focusing made it work for anyone else looking at the same time. Sixty-four little images.
“There’s Castle Roogna!” Zosi said excitedly, pointing at a square with a picture of a fancy castle.
“Why, so it is,” Yukay agreed. “I can even see the flags blowing in the wind.”
“I’d like to stop at the Castle Roogna zombie graveyard, to let my friends know I’m working on it,” Zosi said. “They’ll be concerned.”
That had not been a high priority for Kody. “Zombies get concerned?”
“Oh, yes, those with enough brains left. They guide the others whose brains have rotted out entirely. Now that I’m alive, my brain is much better.”
“Um—”
She gave him a soulful look. “Please.”
What could he do? “If it’s okay with the others.”
Zap was doubtful, but Yukay stroked her wing feathers. “You and I don’t have to get close to them,” she said reassuringly. “This is Zosi’s business.”
“Squawk,” Zap agreed reluctantly.
“We can’t all touch the picture simultaneously,” Kody said. “But I think if we are all in contact with each other it should consider us as a group. We don’t want anyone to get separated.”
They crowded together, Kody holding hands with each of the women, and both of them firmly touching the griffin. “Now,” Kody said to Zap, and she pecked the relevant square with her beak.
And they were there before Castle Roogna. It was massive, far larger than the Good Magician’s Castle or Caprice Castle. Before them was the drawbridge leading over the moat. To one side was the orchard, with many luxurious trees.
Esrever Doom Page 9
