I’d seen plenty of movies, so I knew this was usually where a small peanut-looking thing would show up and then the doctor would turn on the sound and the room would fill with a whooshing sound, which was the baby’s heartbeat.
My breath caught and my eyes never left that monitor, but the peanut never appeared.
There was no whooshing sound either.
I swung my head toward the doctor, who’s face looked pinched.
“What’s happening?” Ally asked.
Dr. Felix turned off the machine and wiped the goop off of Ally’s stomach. “You can pull the gown down.”
Ally did so, crossed her arms across her chest, and hugged herself.
“I’m so sorry,” the doctor began, but before she could say anything further, Ally started sobbing uncontrollably.
I looked helplessly between them and Dr. Felix said, “Once you’re ready, she can get dressed and you can join me in my office.”
Once the door shut behind us, I gathered Ally into my arms and held her as she cried her heart out.
“Shhh,” I murmured against her hair as I ran my hand up and down her back.
We sat that way until her tears stopped and she was able to breathe normally again. I pulled back and looked down at her, my heart breaking at the sorrow in her eyes.
“I don’t know why I’m so upset … it’s not like I’d even said out loud that I wasn’t going to have an abortion. But, to have her taken away like that, so unexpectedly, I just … What did I do wrong, Jake?”
Tears started flowing again and I hugged her once more.
“Nothing, you didn’t do anything wrong, Al. This isn’t your fault.”
We went through the motions of meeting with the doctor, barely comprehending what she said, and I kept Ally’s hand in mine as we drove back to her house.
“Do you want me to come inside and tell your parents?” I offered.
Ally shook her head. “No, I’ve got it. Thanks, though. And, thanks for being there today. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
“Anytime, Ally, okay? I meant what I said before, I’m here for you, no matter what.”
Ally attempted a smile before leaning over to kiss me briefly on the cheek.
“You’re a good guy, Jake. I’m sorry about the way I acted before,” she said, hopping out of the Jeep and hurrying up the walk before I could reply.
Somehow, I managed to make it all the way home before breaking down myself.
Thirty-Two
Sean
“The doctor called it a missed miscarriage, which is when embryonic death has occurred but there is not any expulsion of the embryo,” Kelly said, her voice numb.
When Jake had come home from the doctor’s appointment with Ally, he’d been a mess. Kelly had called me, worried to death because Jake had come home crying and eventually passed out from exhaustion and sorrow.
I’d called Ally’s parents, who weren’t much help, and then the doctor, who explained the situation with Ally’s permission.
It had taken Jake a few days to adjust and after several attempts to talk to Ally with no success, he was back to focusing on work and school, his life changing course once again.
Kelly had been almost as devastated as Jake, and as she relayed the details to our marriage counselor, I could tell she was still depressed by the loss of the baby we’d never even had the opportunity to meet.
“That’s hard, but these things happen, especially with girls at such a young age,” Dr. Webber explained.
“Oh, I don’t blame Ally, I know it wasn’t her fault. These things happen. But for a little while I’d been so caught up with the possibility of having a baby again, even if it was my grandchild, that losing him or her with no warning was devastating to me. I know it sounds silly…”
“No, Kelly, not at all. You’ve been through so much in such a short period of time. Although it may have been years for Sean, Jake, and everyone else in your life, for you to wake up and find out you lost five years, your husband was with someone else, and your son has grown into a young man, is a huge shock. Add to that a new business, the prospect of a new grandchild who you could potentially raise, followed by the loss of that grandchild … well, I for one think you are holding up remarkably.”
“You really are,” I said, taking her hand in mine and trying not to flinch at the mention of my relationship with Madeline.
It had been a constant topic during our session. Which was to be expected, of course, but still, I felt like a complete piece of shit every time it was mentioned.
Kelly gave me a small smile and squeezed my hand in response, and told the doctor, “Thank you. It has been a lot, but I’m doing my best to come to terms with it all. Some things just take more time than others to reconcile in my mind.”
“How about you, Sean, how are you handling the upheaval?”
“Well,” I began, clearing my throat nervously. “The loss of the baby was hard for everyone, but it’s especially difficult seeing how it’s affected Jake. He’s still so young, but he was fully prepared to step up. Taking more hours at work, trying to be there for Ally in any way he could. I’m really proud of him, and it’s tough to see him hurting like this.”
“Of course, we can’t forget how much Jake has been through in his young life as well. The good thing is he is young and has his future ahead of him … but, of course, he won’t want to hear that now. I’m happy to schedule a time to speak with him as well, if you’d like.” She paused for a moment before asking, “And, how about the rest of it, Sean? How are you dealing with the changes in your life since Kelly woke up?”
I felt a weight on my chest and heat prick my eyes as I struggled to put my feelings into words.
Talking things out had never been my strong suit, but I was willing to do anything for another chance at life with Kelly, no matter how hard it was…
“It’s been tough,” I admitted with a dry laugh. “I hate where I’m living, and where I’m working … I miss Kelly and Jake, which is funny, because I didn’t spend time with him when I had him under my roof.”
I stopped and took a deep breath, Kelly’s reassuring squeeze bolstering my confidence.
“I know I’m where I am because of my own choices. But I swear, if I’d known there was a possibility Kelly would wake up, I never would have started dating Madeline. I was celibate for three years, hoping every day my wife would come back, but the doctors didn’t have much hope of that happening. I just … got lonely. Things with Jake were rocky, I’d finished the bookstore and it was running smoothly, and when I met Madeline it was nice to have someone to talk to…”
I turned to face Kelly, tears tracking down my cheeks.
“I love you. I’ve always loved you. And I’m so sorry about Madeline. If I could go back and change things, I would.”
I choked back a sob as Kelly’s hands came to my face.
“I know, Sean, I do … and I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve put you through. I’ve only been thinking of myself and my feelings, but over the last few weeks I’ve tried to be considerate of how much you and Jake suffered with me gone, and although I hate the thought of you with Madeline, I do understand why you were with her.”
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to my chest, the feel of her body against mine bringing a sense of comfort and rightness I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Once I’d pulled myself together, I released her and we resumed our positions on the couch. Dr. Webber handed me a box of Kleenex, and I accepted a tissue with “Thanks,” then cleaned myself up.
I was mildly embarrassed about losing control. I wasn’t one to cry or show excessive emotion, but I’d known coming in here would mean I had to make myself vulnerable.
“Thank you, Sean, I appreciate your honesty, and how hard it must be for you to be here and hash things out with Kelly. But your relationship is obviously important to both of you … you’re doing good work.”
“Kelly, is there anything else you’d lik
e to say before we end our session for today?” Dr. Webber asked.
Kelly tucked her hair behind her hair in a nervous gesture, before lifting her eyes to mine.
“Like I said, Sean, it’s taken me a while, but I can understand your need for companionship. And, if I had died, Lord knows I wouldn’t want you to be alone forever. I’d have wanted you to find someone else, someone like Madeline, who you could live the rest of your life with. Not to sound morbid or anything, but the fact that I didn’t die doesn’t change the fact that I was lost to you, and for such a long time. What I’m trying to say is, that I do forgive you, Sean, and I’d like to move past this and move forward.”
My heart seemed to swell so large that my chest felt it may burst with hope and happiness.
I took her hands in mine and said, “I’d like that, too. So much.”
“Wonderful. We made great progress today, let’s get together the same time next week,” Dr. Webber said, getting to her feet.
Kelly and I rose as well, and the smile on my face was so big I probably resembled the Joker, but I didn’t care. This was the best moment I’d had in my life since the day Kelly’d woken up.
Once we were out in the waiting room, I turned to Kelly and asked, “Can we get together tonight and talk some more?”
“Actually, tonight I have plans with Karen. A bit of a girl’s night since we’ve both been so busy we haven’t had the chance to hang out in a while. But, you could come for dinner tomorrow, if you’d like.”
“I’ll be there.”
I walked Kelly to her car, before waving “Goodbye” and headed to my own, with a spring in my step and feeling lighter than I had in years.
Thirty-Three
Kelly
“Oh my gosh, I am so excited to be doing this,” Karen said as we settled across from each other in the tapas restaurant we’d chosen for dinner.
“I know, me too,” I replied, looking at my best friend apologetically. “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy; I feel like a terrible friend.”
Karen gave a half shrug.
“That’s okay, I understand,” she said, but I could tell by the look on her face that it wasn’t totally okay. “You have the bookstore to run, everything going on with Jake, and of course … Sean. So, yeah, I know you’re busy, but if I’m being honest, I have missed you. I mean, I finally got my best friend back, and never get to see her.”
My heart clenched painfully as I realized I’d let Karen get lost in the shuffle.
“I promise, I’ll do better. We’ll schedule a monthly date, we can take turns picking what we do, to ensure we spend time together. I do have a lot going on, but I miss you, too, and I want to make sure we hang out more. How does that sound?” I asked, hoping she agreed.
After all, Karen was one of my constant visitors while I was in a coma, so it wasn’t fair of me to not be there for her now, when she’s always showed up for me, one-hundred percent.
“I’d love that,” she said, her lips turning up and easing some of the ache in my chest. “Now, let’s order some margaritas.”
“Sounds perfect.”
Once we had a round of margaritas and a basket of chips and salsa in front of us, all the initial tension was gone and we were happily chatting as if no time had passed.
“How have things been going with you?” I asked. “Tell me everything.”
“Well,” Karen began, pausing to lick some salt of the rim of her glass before taking a sip. “Work’s been pretty good. No drama, which always makes life easier … I finally paid off my car, so that’s a relief … and I met someone.”
“Stop it!” I cried, clapping my hands together gleefully. “You’ve been holding out. Who is he?’
“His name is Devon. He’s a lawyer and divorcee, with a daughter who’s ten.”
My jaw dropped.
Karen had always been focused on her career. Sure, she had flings, but never wanted anything serious, and had always figured kids weren’t in her future.
“How long have you been seeing him?”
“Well, we were seeing each other casually … before,” she replied, meaning before I came out of the coma. “But started getting more serious a few months ago, and now he wants me to meet his daughter.”
“Holy crap, this is huge!” I exclaimed. “Is he nice?”
Karen laughed and shook her head. “Only you would ask that. All my friends from work wanted to see a picture or asked if he’s good in bed.”
“Being nice is an important trait,” I said defensively. “I want to know he’ll treat you right.”
“He treats me very well,” Karen said with a satisfied smile.
“And?”
“And, what?”
“Well, what about the other stuff? Is he hot? Good in bed?”
“Yes, and, oh my God … yes!”
“Yay!” I said, and we both started giggling. “Show me a picture.”
The server came up with our first few dishes, so I thanked him, then took Karen’s offered phone.
“Wow, he’s gorgeous. Well done.”
“Thanks. So, how’s everything with you in the relationship department?” she asked gently.
The last time we’d spoken I’d still been on the fence about Sean and whether or not we would ever be able to move forward.
“Actually, we had kind of a breakthrough in therapy this morning. I listened to what he had to say, and I really heard him, you know? So, I told him I forgive him and want to move forward, see what our future could hold.”
“And have you? Truly forgiven him?” Karen asked, never one to shy away from the hard questions.
“Yes,” I replied with a decisive nod. “I’ve spent a lot of time stressing over it and focusing on my feelings, and something you said back in the hospital finally clicked … about putting myself in Sean’s shoes.”
“Mmmhmmm,” she murmured, encouraging me to continue.
“Well, although I hate the thought of him with someone else, I also know that if I hadn’t woken up, and had passed away, I wouldn’t want him to be lonely forever. I’d want him to move on and, although I only saw her the one time, Madeline would probably be the kind of woman I’d choose for him. Plus, Connor called and asked me out the other day.”
“What?” she practically shrieked.
“Yeah, it kind of freaked me out. I mean, I kind of had an inkling he was interested, but when he actually asked, I knew I couldn’t do it. I only want Sean.”
Karen reached across the table and placed her hand on mine.
“Oh, Kelly, I know how hard this has been for you, but I’m happy to hear you guys are working through it. And, wow, you got him to go to therapy?”
“It was his idea,” I told her. “He’s been really understanding and conscientious this whole time. Moving out when I needed him to, turning the bookstore over to me … but without totally disappearing and getting pissed about it. He’s been there for Jake, and for me, and I honestly think our relationship will be stronger after going through everything we have.”
“I don’t see how it couldn’t be. I’m seriously thrilled for you both.”
“Me, too,” I agreed, then lifted my margarita and said, “Now, tell me more about Devon.”
Thirty-Four
Jacob
It was the last day of school, and it couldn’t end fast enough.
In a few hours I’d be officially a senior, and in a few weeks, I’d turn eighteen. Then, the countdown began.
Things at home were better than ever, with my mom finally finding her place in this new world of hers, and my parents dating … perhaps even reconciling for good. But, I was ready for my own life to start.
This being on the cusp of teenager-to-adult man was frustrating.
I was ready to be free. To live on my own and make my own decisions. My own failures and successes. I knew some guys who fully planned to live with their parents until they were forcibly removed.
I was not one of those guys.
My grades were
good. I’d started saving money when Ally had told me about the baby, and even though that was no longer our future, I was still religiously socking everything I made away to continue building my nest egg.
“Hey, Jake, hold up.”
I halted in front of my lit class and turned to see Geo, a guy from my homeroom, heading toward me.
“What’s up?” I asked him, moving out of the way so other people could get in the room.
“I caught your set the other night. You were really good, man.”
“Thanks,” I said, surprised.
“No problem. Theo, Smith, Turner, and I have been talking about starting a band and playing gigs locally. We think you’d be a great fit,” Geo said with a grin.
“Really?”
“Hell yeah, you’ve got just the vibe we’re going for. We plan to practice this summer and hopefully start booking before school starts back up. Do you think you could come by this weekend and jam, see if you’re interested?”
“Yeah, that sounds great,” I replied, excited at the idea of hanging out with guys who were interested in music.
Even if our sounds didn’t mesh, it would be cool to hear them play.
“I’ll message you the details. Later,” Geo said, before turning and heading down the hall.
I was feeling lighter than I had in weeks, actually looking forward to something, when my name being called once again stopped me.
“Ally,” I said, crossing to her.
“Hey, I, uh, know you have class and don’t want to bother you, but, I’m not sure I’ll get to see you again before I go,” she said, ducking her head.
“It’s no problem, what’s up?”
“I’m leaving.”
“What do you mean? After school? On a trip?” I asked.
Ally shook her head.
“No, I’m going to my aunt’s in Indiana. I’m going to be staying there and finishing out school.”
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