by Ward, H. M.
Sean shakes his head and runs his fingers through his hair, grabbing at it. “This isn’t turning out how I planned.”
Although he seems to be talking to himself, I answer. “Nothing ever turns out the way I plan. It makes me wonder why I bother.” Sean looks over at me. I grin sheepishly. “You caught me. It’s not my life’s ambition to be here tonight. I had other things planned, all of which got shot to hell. In a manner of speaking, you’re my last chance…my last plan.”
Sean seems surprised. His mood lightens a little. “Rule breaker,” he teases. A light smile crosses his lips.
“Yup, rebel to the core.” I answer. I sigh and suck in the cold night air and look around. People move up and down the street around us, all hurrying somewhere. I shiver and run my hands over my arms. “So, I can’t pretend to understand your, uh, preferences, but if you want to swap me out—”
“No.” Sean’s eyes lock with mine. “You stay. I just have to figure things out.”
“Why are we on the street?” I can’t help it. I have to ask. I wrap my arms around my middle and try to keep warm. The wind blows gently, lifting the curls off my shoulders.
Sean looks at me. The expression says he can’t tell me, and that something’s tearing him up inside. His spine straightens and everything changes. “Listen, we need a new arrangement.”
“Agreed.”
“But I need somethings that came with the previous agreement. That’s nonnegotiable.”
“Fine,” I say, shivering. “Let’s go inside and discuss it like normal people.”
“Since when are you normal? You run around with cans of ether in your pockets.” He forgets himself and smiles. That hard mask he was wearing, cracks. My God, he looks beautiful.
The corners of my mouth lift. I step towards him. “Mind telling me why you were always at that corner?” I place a hand on his chest and smile up at him.
Sean shakes his head. “My secret.” He’s silent for a moment and adds, “You’ll be safe with me, Avery, ah I mean, Miss Stanz.”
Something flutters inside my heart when he says my name.
17
Sean takes me to his room. It’s the penthouse, located high above the city. The entire floor is ours. I’ve never seen such a place in person. Space is a commodity in the city and the vast size of the room is flaunting wealth.
“Do all guys get this room?” I ask, looking around. I feel Sean’s eyes on me as I walk.
“I’d think not. It’d be a huge tip off. Plus the room cost more than the average services your company provides.”
My face flames red. I try to hide it, but Sean sees my blush. He walks toward me and takes my hands from my face.
I say, “I’ve not done this before.”
“I know,” he says, his voice deepening as he speaks. Sean keeps a hold on my hands and turns me from the window to meet his gaze. A light dusting of stubble lines his jaw. That dark hair that I want to touch so badly falls into his eyes. He tilts his head to the side and it falls back. “Tell me something. How is it that you’re a virgin? I wouldn’t have thought that could be possible.”
My gaze darts away from his, but he tilts my chin so that I can’t look away from him. My heart is pounding rapidly and I feel vulnerable. I want to jerk my face away. I want to run, but I don’t.
His voice is a whisper, “Tell me.”
“I never found the right guy,” I breathe.
Sean’s eyes devour me, raking over my face like he can’t get enough. Finally, he nods slowly. His hands drop from my body and I feel nervous again. I’m nervous when he touches me and more anxious when he’s not.
Sean sees the slight tremor of my hand. He says over his shoulder, “I won’t have sex with you, not unless you want it.”
What? I nearly fall over. Did he really say that? “I’m sorry?”
Sean sits at a desk and turns the chair toward me. I stand in front of him staring with my lips parted. “It’s the way I do things. I have no intention of forcing you. Actually, the whole thing is left up to you, really.”
I swallow hard and stare at him like he has two heads. “But, I thought…”
“I know what you thought, but that doesn’t matter now. We need a new arrangement, since the old one won’t work anymore.”
“Why won’t it work?” I don’t understand what he’s thinking.
“Because I know you. It just can’t be the way I thought, so let’s come up with something new. I won’t lay a hand on you, unless you ask me to. I won’t have sex with you unless you want it. How’s that for starters?”
“Sean, I can’t change things that much. It isn’t right. You wanted something when you called for me. What did you want?”
He’s quiet for a moment. The fingers on his hands lace together between his knees as he leans forward. I think he’s going to answer me, but he doesn’t. “Listen, this week is hard for me, okay? I’m not usually here, in fact I do everything I can to steer clear of New York at this time of year. Business didn’t work out that way this year. I need something to occupy my thoughts when I’m not at work, someone to be with. Since I know you can do that on some level, I want you around.”
When he speaks, I hear the hitch in his voice. Sean’s running from something, something he doesn’t want to remember and being here forces the memory forward. I nod slowly and walk toward him. “So the arrangement is platonic? Not sexual?”
“Yes, if that’s what you want.”
My heart sinks. I look at him and I have no idea what I want. I thought I was going to have sex tonight. I nod, like I’m in shock. My gaze is lost, staring somewhere across the room when he speaks.
“That isn’t what you want, is it?”
“I—” my mouth hangs open and I have no idea what to say. I try to explain, but I can’t.
Sean looks surprised. “You wanted to do it, didn’t you?”
I shake my head, but Sean puts his hands on my waist and pulls me to him. “You’re breaking your rule,” I say.
“I don’t care,” he says with a dark look in his eyes.
“Okay, then.”
“Tell me what you want from this, what you want to learn?”
“Learn?” I squeak.
“Yeah, I’m assuming you felt safe with me and wanted to learn something. Isn’t that why you picked me from the file? I’m sure there’s more than one guy with a virgin fetish.”
My heart is pounding. I can barely focus. I nod, even though it’s not the truth. “Teach me,” I hear myself say, and wonder how much ether I’ve inhaled. I must have rotted my brain.
“Teach you what, Miss Smith?” He holds me close, warming me. His hands linger around my waist as his eyes hold my gaze. My heart beats harder, faster. My face warms as I think about his hands on me, about what he’s offering me. I wish I knew what he wanted originally, but I don’t. I look at his lips, wanting to taste them, wondering what it would be like to be with him.
Smiling shyly at him, I breathe, “Everything.”
18
Sean’s eyes are locked with mine. He doesn’t react to my words. There’s no smile on his lips, no sense of relief or joy. Instead, he stays a breath from my lips with his fingers gently brushing my cheek. His other hand is possessively holding me against his waist. His body is so hard. My thoughts keep drifting to running my tongue over his firm stomach. It makes my toes curl and I feel shy, but I don’t look away from him.
No one has ever looked at me like this. I mean, it’s not a gaze that’s tender and sweet. Sean’s eyes are filled with desire that darkens by the second. It’s like his eyes could devour me whole. That carnal look makes my body grow warmer. My heart slams into my ribs like it’s trying to save itself, like it knows Sean’s bad for me.
I don’t know what I expect Sean to do, but he’s slow about doing it. He teases me, leaving his lips so close to mine that I tremble. By the time Sean closes the distance between us, I can barely control myself. He brushes his bottom lip against mine. The electricity that
’s been building between us ignites and I suck in startled breath. My legs feel like they want to run, but I can’t. My muscles twitch like my fight or flight response is taking over, but I force the sensation back. There is no way Sean will hurt me. Miss Black made it clear that she’ll hurt him if something happens to me. My heart, on the other hand, well, that’s a different issue.
I stand there as Sean’s body is pressed tighter to mine. Every curve, every muscle, slips into place until there is no space between us. His body is rock hard and so warm. I feel him under the supple fabric and know how much he wants me.
Sean’s fingers gently tangle in my curls, as he brushes his lips past mine again. The floor of my stomach falls away and it feels like I’m falling. The kiss is so light, so perfect. It makes me lightheaded, like I’m drunk, and as soon as his mouth is gone, I want more. My eyes flutter open. I didn’t realize that I’d closed them.
Sean pulls back and watches me with that intense gaze. It burns a trail between my eyes and my lips. Sean tilts his head in and rests his forehead against mine, locking our eyes. I feel his rib cage expand as he sucks in a jagged breath. Excitement is brimming beneath the surface, barely contained.
I don’t know what I want or what I want him to do. My mind is lost in a cavern of lust and I can’t find my way out. Hell, I don’t even know if I want out. My life sucks and this little reprieve is heaven. There’s no reason to think, nothing to worry about. After this tryst, I’ll have what I need as well as plenty of memories to keep me warm on cold nights. So why am I trembling? What am I afraid of? I made peace with this decision. Yeah, keep telling yourself that, a bitter voice says at the back of my mind.
It takes me a moment, but I realize that Sean frightens me in a way that I can’t fathom. Most of the fears in my life are tangible, but this one isn’t. My emotions feel dazed, like they don’t know what’s real and what’s fake. Sean doesn’t really love me. I don’t love him, but still—there’s something there and it calls to me.
The way his eyes drink me in, the way his hands feel on my skin, and the way he teases makes me crazy—I’ve never reacted to a guy like this in my entire life. There was never any heat, not even a spark. That’s what makes things with Sean all the more insane. From day one, I felt something for him. He walked into my life and filled a hole that I didn’t even know was there. It’s too soon for that. A couple of kisses and smiles later, and I sound like I’m ready to marry the guy. What the hell is wrong with me?
Sean watches me closely as I think. Every time I take a breath in, my breasts press harder against his chest. It feels right. I want more. As if he can read my mind, Sean lowers his lashes with his gaze fixated on my lips. When he lowers his mouth to meet mine, the thoughts rush from my mind. Like a surging river they race through, and are gone before I can blink.
Sean’s fingers drift down to my cheek and he tilts my head to the side. My heart pounds harder in my chest. His lips are full and soft. They seek mine, applying the perfect amount of pressure and the kiss deepens. I push my body against his chest and my arms wrap around his neck. I play with the hair at the base of his neck as he kisses me, feeling the silky strands slip between my fingers.
As we kiss, a thought races through my mind, a warning. Something about kissing. It flutters through my mind, unclear. Sean licks the seam of my lips once, and then twice. My heart races harder as he does it. I’m ready to open my mouth and let him kiss me deeper. I want it. I want him. My body is charged, ready for that kiss. Every inch of me is tingling. There’s a wave of desire building inside of me and his kiss will set it free.
His kiss. Kissing…
“I can’t,” I say into his mouth as the memory hits me. Gasping, I pull away and turn my face.
19
The kiss breaks. I can barely breathe. The rapid pace of my heart won’t slow. My hands tremble at his neck and there’s no way to hide it. I pull away from him and cold air fills the space, chilling me. “I’m sorry.”
Sean says nothing at first. He watches me. I feel his eyes slip over my body. They take in the slight tremor, the way I wrap my arms around my middle, and the way I can’t look him in the eye. Instead of demanding my services, Sean slips back into his chair like he doesn’t mind. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”
I glance at him from over my shoulder. I don’t believe him. My gaze says as much.
Sean smiles at me. “It’s part of the package, Miss Smith. Skittish virgins are appealing.” It’s the look he gave me when my car broke down. Something about the way he gazes at me makes me feel like I’m in emotional overload.
My face flushes and I glance away. What was I thinking? I can’t do this. I can’t be with him, not when he affects me like this. The whole sex thing is a pastime to him, but to me it isn’t. I took this job because I needed the money, but even more so, I took this job because I have feelings for Sean. I like the way he makes me feel. I want to know him better. I want him to be mine.
That’s not what this is.
The trembling becomes more noticeable. Sean stands and walks up behind me, rubbing his hands over my arms. He presses a kiss to my temple and holds me. “Your preferences said kissing on the lips was off limits. I shouldn’t have done it. I apologize.”
“You went straight for the only thing you couldn’t have?” I did mark that on the sheet. Kissing forms attachments. I can’t be attached to him. You already are, a voice says inside my head. Go to hell, I answer, already knowing it’s true. I feel his gaze on the side of my face.
Holding me tightly, Sean says, “It’s my nature. I’m sorry, Avery. It won’t happen again, not unless you ask me to kiss you.”
As he speaks, his warm breath breezes past my ear. I shiver in his arms and feel him smile. I nod. The knot in my throat makes it difficult to speak.
Sean holds me like that for a moment and then asks, “May I ask why that particular action is off limits?”
I feel him breathing against my back. Sean’s pressed his body against my back and holds me tight. “Only if I can ask what you originally wanted this weekend.” I glance at him.
“Ah, then it seems we are at an impasse.” Those glittering blue eyes conceal his thoughts.
I nod. Damn straight. I’m not spilling my guts if he won’t spill his.
Sean’s voice is deep and rich. “I suspect the reason, but assumptions usually don’t turn out well.”
“Are you calling me an ass?” The corners of my mouth tug up. Seriously? What’s with him?
Sean laughs like he has no idea what I’m talking about, and turns me towards him. “What?” The smile reaches his eyes.
“You know what happens when you assume, don’t you?”
Cocking an eyebrow at me, he tilts his head and tuts, “Grade school humor? Really? Is that what this night has deteriorated into?” Sean shakes his head and sits back down, slumping back into the seat.
I shrug my shoulders and step toward him. “It might be different if you told me what you wanted. I might want that, too.” I cross my ankles and gaze at him. Whatever plans he had for the night were blasted to bits when I walked through the door.
Darkness drifts across Sean’s eyes, like he’s remembering something that he wants to forget. It changes his confident stance and his shoulders slump a little bit. His chest tightens along with his throat. The muscles strain as he tries not to react. I didn’t mean to do that to him. I know it‘s from what I said. I feel horrible about it and want to take away the pain in his eyes.
I walk toward him, not having a plan, just doing whatever feels right. “Sean,” I say softly. When he doesn’t look up, I put a hand on his shoulder. Still no reaction. I lift one leg gingerly and straddle his lap. That gets his attention. His eyes flick up to mine. A warning shoots through me, but I ignore it. There’s something dangerous about him, I can sense it.
I’m standing over Sean and slowly lower myself until I’m on his lap, facing him. I rest my wrists at the back of his neck and look into his eyes.
/> Sean doesn’t move. He doesn’t say anything. I tangle my fingers in the curls at the base of his neck and lean in close. Heart pounding, I press my lips to his cheek. I repeat the action, and do it again and again, until I reach his neck. My stomach twists as the space between my legs grows hotter. I tilt my hips, and try to shift my weight on his lap, but Sean stops me.
Watching my face, Sean takes both of his hands and slips them under the hem of my dress. His hot palms run over the outsides of my thighs until they rest on the curve of my butt. Sean holds me tight, and pulls me higher onto his lap. That’s when I feel his hard length through his pants. I gasp and dig my fingers into his shoulders.
Sean doesn’t smile. Instead, I have the Sean from downstairs, the one who’s all dark with no light in his eyes. His fingers press into my skin and he skims the edge of my lace panties.
Neither of us speaks. Sean watches me, always keeping his gaze on my lips as he tilts our hips making his erection rub against my thin panties. I can’t hide how much I like it. Cupping my ass, he pulls me against him and then I push back. I’m writhing in his lap, my eyes locked with his. My body aches for his touch. I’m not satisfied with his hands on my bottom. I want them on my breasts; I want them all over me; inside me. I lean my head back and rock against him. Arching my back makes my breasts press against my bra. I moan out loud, and his name slips from my mouth.
That is the action that undoes him. Sean stands suddenly, taking me with him. “Wrap your legs around me,” he says as he stands and walks across the room.
The spot between my legs is pressed against him as he walks us to the bed. His gaze doesn’t change. The heat in his eyes says that he’ll devour me. I wonder what he’ll do. Sean leans me back on the bed and looks down at me. “Tell me what you want,” he says, climbing onto the bed and laying next to me. His hand strokes my cheek.
