by Kim McMahill
“That’s enough for today,” Niki said. “Let’s get him back inside. I think he can be moved without causing anymore damage, but we’ll need to work up to walking on his own. You did good, Papa, we just need to take it easy and slowly build your strength and stamina.”
When he didn’t argue, Niki knew she had gauged the extent of his pain correctly, though he would never admit it to anyone. The fact that he could walk with help was encouraging, but the effort had taken its toll.
“You’ve made a lot of progress, but we don’t need a setback now,” Niki said as she propped her grandfather’s head up on his pillow, tucked the blankets around his increasingly bony frame, and gave him a drink of water.
Niki worried about the continued weight loss. Her grandfather had always been very thin, but he was becoming almost skeletal as the days passed. His face was frighteningly gaunt, his gnarled fingers little more than bone covered with a nearly translucent layer of skin, and the outline of each rib could be seen when he inhaled.
“I wish someone would just shoot me like the lame horse I am or at least leave me behind for the bears. I’m no good to anyone like this,” he grumbled. “I don’t want to hold you all back. I’m nothing but a liability.”
“That’s no way to talk. You won’t slow us down anymore than a thousand ewes and lambs, and you would never leave those behind, so no one is leaving you behind either.”
She wasn’t sure if he was really listening to her. It seemed as if her grandfather’s mind was suddenly miles away. She took his weathered hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. The action brought his gaze to hers and she saw something in the old man’s eyes she had never seen before.
“You’re a lot like your mother. Neither one of you have ever known when to cut your losses and run.”
Niki knew immediately where his mind had gone. She wasn’t sure if it made her more sad or more angry.
“That’s not fair. There’s no comparison between you and my father.”
“I’m just so darn angry at being such a burden to you and feeling so helpless. I want the best for you, but it seems like you’re always the one suffering for everyone else’s weaknesses.”
“Being injured is not a weakness and is nothing like being a hateful drunk.”
“If I’d only known how bad things were I would have done something. Your mother never complained. She never said a word to me until the night when you two showed up at the ranch with all your belongings in a few plastic garbage bags.”
“You gave us the comfort we needed. You didn’t force her to take charity, which would have destroyed her. You helped her get resettled in Chicago and gave me this.” Niki motioned to everything around her. “You gave me something to look forward to, you gave me kindness and you’ve protected me from every storm since that night. I still get scared, but I don’t feel alone anymore.”
His eyes were misty. Niki knew he wouldn’t cry, but seeing how close he was made her heart ache.
“And, thanks. There’s no person I’d rather be like than my mother. She was loving, strong when she had to be and proud. If my father had ever hit me or harmed me in anyway while in a drunken rage, she would have left sooner or done something even worse, but she was determined to keep her family together and she gave it everything she had. Yes, she should have given up sooner, but no one could ever accuse her of not trying to make her marriage work.”
“I’ve never been a man of many words and I’m sorry I don’t tell you as often as I should, but I hope you know how much I love you.”
“I’ve always known and that’s enough,” Niki whispered as she bent down and kissed her grandfather’s forehead. “And I hope you know that I love you too. But, since I actually say the words out loud, you should.”
He chuckled and gave her hand another squeeze. Even bedridden and trapped on a mountain, when he looked at his granddaughter he felt like the luckiest man in the world. With that thought occupying his mind he was able to relax.
Niki sat by his side until she was sure he had fallen asleep. She understood how he felt. He still harbored guilt after so many years over not being able to protect her and her mother, though he hadn’t even know they were in danger. Now Niki felt the burden of responsibility bearing down on her. She knew he needed medical attention and might not survive without it, but she was helpless to do anything to change the situation.
Despite Sarah being with them, she also couldn’t help but feel responsible for the children’s safety. Her own mother had rescued her from a potentially harmful situation, but Sarah had a much more formidable obstacle than a drunken absentee father. If the soldiers came for them, there was little hope for a happy ending.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Everyone woke early, anxious to get the move underway. For the past couple of days the hum of distant helicopters seemed to be growing nearer, making them feel pressured to do more to protect themselves. They still had yet to see one venture as high up the mountain as their current camp, but the amount of activity made it appear as if the Iranians were pushing further into the high country. They hoped the foreign soldiers were searching for more control towers or missile silos and not for them.
The camp had grown considerably since Niki first tied in with her grandfather, but so had the number of hands. By mid-morning, everything was packed and ready to go. They made Bernie as comfortable as possible on the travois Deuce had built the first time he and Niki had to move Bernie a long distance. They ignored the old man’s grumbling about being able to ride, remembering the pain he had endured just trying to walk the day before.
Joe would ride Storm since he would have the most difficulty walking up the mountain due to his prosthetic leg. Storm was chosen as Joe’s mount since he was the strongest and least desirable as a pack horse. The gelding would have no problem carrying a rider and pulling Bernie’s travois all day, but the horse was too tall to make packing him an easy task and he had never been very cooperative when Deuce had tried in the past.
“Be nice to Joe and pick a smooth path for Papa,” Niki whispered in Storm’s ear as she sneaked him the last carrot.
“No wonder that horse thinks he’s so darn special. You treat him like a king, still feeding him fresh produce when we are going without,” Deuce mumbled as he walked up next to Niki. “We should be able to pack him if we want.”
“As I’ve told you before, there are just certain activities which are beneath his highness, and serving as a beast of burden is one of them. If you would show Storm the proper respect, you two might get along better.”
“He’s a horse, Niki, not a person and you’ve spoiled him.”
“Kindness and trust are a two-way street. Storm knows I would do anything for him and when I’ve needed him, he’s never let me down.”
Deuce stared at Niki, eyes squinted, trying to read the meaning behind her words. Were they still talking about the horse or was she talking about him?
“I know I haven’t always been the most pleasant guy to be around, but you damn well better know I would never let anything happen to you and I wouldn’t have hesitated for even a minute to jump in my truck and drive to Denver if you would have ever called and said you needed me...though you would never do that, would you?”
No matter how distant they had become over the past few years, she had never doubted he would protect her if needed. He was just that kind of man, a man who would help anyone in distress. But she didn’t want to be just anyone to him—Niki wanted to be the one he cherished above all else. Her doubts had turned into a chronic nagging pain over the years. The ache in her heart never went completely away, making it impossible for her to move past Deuce and find someone else. But things had changed since being forced together in crisis. She hoped it wasn’t just the situation. At first she feared that once free of their current predicament Deuce would push her away again, but now she wasn’t so sure.
“You’re too much of a man to let anything happen to anyone,” she whispered.
“Are we rea
dy to pull out?” Joe asked as he walked up and took Storm’s reins from Niki’s hand before Deuce could respond.
“As soon as we get Bernie’s rig hooked up we can get on the trail. I’ll be right behind you to help wherever you encounter obstacles you can’t skirt with the travois,” Deuce replied.
With Bernie’s travois secured behind Storm, the group was prepared to move out for a more defensible position. Niki figured they probably looked like a beaten down group of refugees—too determined to give up, but lacking all the comforts of home and clearly just making do with whatever they could find.
With one last glance around the old camp to make sure nothing was forgotten, the rag-tag group began their journey higher into the mountains, speaking little as they contemplated the necessity driving them further from civilization. Joe sat astride Storm, his shoulders hunched over and his beat-up cowboy hat pulled down low on his head, dragging a crude travois laden with a broken old man wrapped in a mismatched array of blankets. Deuce, his face bruised and his expression solemn, followed Joe ready to lift the end of the travois whenever they reached a place too rough to drag the contraption. Behind Deuce a tiny girl with blonde curls and a poncho made of an army-green wool blanket rode atop the load on an ancient pack horse. April rode close behind on Frank’s equally loaded black mare, the sleeves on her borrowed windbreaker rolled up exposing the ragged edges of the cut-off sleeves of an adult’s thermal underwear top. Niki and Sarah walked side-by-side leading Bess and Sally, and Frank took up the rear guiding Joe’s old saddle horse and Traveler, both animals loaded down with supplies.
Niki pulled her coat collar higher around her neck. They had been walking for nearly two hours, but instead of getting warmer as they approached noon, the temperature slowly declined due to the increased elevation, cloud cover and bitter breeze. Niki rubbed her hands together, fighting to keep from looking as cold as she felt, wondering how the girl’s were fairing with their odd array of clothing and sitting atop horses, more exposed to the wind and without moving, unable to generate additional body heat. If they were cold or uncomfortable, neither girl gave any indication.
“Joe, hold up at the next decent spot you come to and let’s take a break,” Deuce yelled as if reading Niki’s mind.
The old cowboy raised his hat in the air, signifying he had heard Deuce’s request. After another ten minutes of gentle, but steady climbing, the terrain leveled off and Joe reined the palomino to a halt.
The moment they stopped, Niki built a small fire. As Lacy and April sat close to the flames, feeding small twigs into the fire, she and Sarah unloaded the lunch they had made earlier in the morning.
“How are you holding up, Papa?” Niki asked.
“It’s a little rough at times, but Joe’s doing the best he can. I still wish you’d have just left me behind for the scavengers or let me try to ride.”
Niki rolled her eyes and ignored his words and handed him some cornbread and a cup of hot coffee from the thermos. She sat down next to him and ate and drank while studying the overcast sky.
“Do you think we’ll get snow soon?”
“It’s a little early, but up here it can snow on the Fourth of July, as you well know from the time you came and stayed with me when you were just twelve. I’ll never forget that snowman you built,” the old man chuckled.
“If I recall you weren’t too thrilled when you saw I had used your brand new hat on top of its head. But it was a beauty if I do say so myself. Too bad it didn’t last for more than a couple hours before melting.”
“At least my hat got broke in fast. But I knew then that you had your grandma’s artistic eye. It was the darnedest snowman I’d ever seen, complete with cowboy hat, chaps, real buttons and bottle cap eyes. I didn’t even think about where you’d gotten the buttons until I reached for my flannel shirt a few mornings later.”
“But you didn’t scold me. You just handed me a needle and thread and walked away before a single cross word was uttered.”
“I didn’t walk away to keep from scolding you. I walked away so you wouldn’t see me laughing. Your mother always accused me of perpetuating bad behavior, claiming it took her a month to get you back to your sweet, obedient self once you returned home after spending a summer with me.”
Niki’s mind wandered back to that summer and she felt lucky her grandfather insisted she come back every year. The first summer she had sat on a log by the tent most days and read or sketched or went fishing with her grandfather. By the second summer Niki thought she knew it all and was in a constant state of unintentional troublemaking. She had been an inquisitive and imaginative child and her grandfather usually gave her free rein to explore.
“You know I never intended to be such a pain. I just had a curious mind and a lot of time on my hands to entertain myself. I never lacked for adventures or things to explore.”
“You were nothing but a joy to me and you still are.”
Niki closed her eyes tight and tamped down on the emotions churning through her mind. Her grandfather had always been so patient and she had never doubted his love and seeing him in pain was almost too much to bear. She wanted to do more to ease his suffering, but nothing else could be done without more supplies or medical help, which made her feel so helpless.
“Well I’m glad you don’t think it will snow yet. We sure don’t need one more challenge on top of everything else. Just getting around in the snow isn’t easy up here. A bunch of cold, wet, sloppy slush would only make everything we do more difficult,” she said in attempt to keep her mind off the reason for their current trek.
“I think a thunderstorm is much more likely by the looks of the sky. I can feel the change in my bones.”
Niki wasn’t sure what she dreaded the most, a thunder storm or a snow storm. The rumbling always brought nightmares from the past, but snow could be deadly. They had managed to take good care of themselves so far, but with an injured old man, another with a chronic cough and a bum leg, and two young children, what they didn’t need was an early season blizzard. But if the situation wasn’t resolved soon, living conditions would inevitably get much more dangerous. Snow would come. Only the hardiest wildlife attempted to winter high in the Big Horn Mountains and their group was looking a little less hardy all the time.
“Bernie, you sure have those dogs working good,” Deuce said as he approached. “Haven’t lost a sheep so far and they’re still in a pretty tight group. The pasture I have scoped out is another hour or so away and about fifteen minutes from the new campsite. Will the dogs be able to keep control so far away from us or should we take turns camping out near the sheep?”
Niki could see Bernie’s face light up. She wasn’t sure if Deuce needed Bernie’s advice or if he’d sensed the old man’s deep desire to feel useful.
“Gracie and Stella are the best. I’d check on them before dark and in the morning and give them a little food both times since they like eating more than once a day, you know. Other than that, they’ll be fine. When everything’s clicking, I do more taking care of the mules, dogs and myself than the sheep, except for the occasional doctoring.”
“As soon as we get the new camp set up, we’ll work out a rotation for two checks a day for the sheep and twenty-four hour look-outs on the hill above camp. I was also thinking if we could rig you up a comfortable chair on the hill, we could work you into the look-out rotation too if you feel up to it.”
“You darn right I feel up to pulling my weight. I’m sick of lying around like a bloated cow feeling useless.”
Niki left the men to discuss the sheep and headed back to the fire.
“How’s he doing?” Sarah asked.
“He’s nearly as ornery as ever and itching to feel useful, so I’d say he’s improving.”
She put out the fire while Sarah readied the girls to move out and Frank and Joe checked all the cinches and packs to make sure everything was still secure. As Niki stomped the last small flame out with her boot, she sensed Deuce approach. Something had cha
nged between them since they returned from the Stephens’ ranch. The last remnants of him treating her like a helpless city girl had vanished. He consulted her on decisions, made no attempt to leave her out of anything needing to be done and had even come close to letting her inside his defenses.
“He’s doing good, don’t you think?”
She looked up and smiled at Deuce. His powerful frame still exuded strength, but the cock of his head and the look in his eyes made her think of an innocent young boy hoping for a shred of approval and a pat on the head. Niki couldn’t resist the hint of vulnerability she witnessed in him for the first time in her life. She stood on her tip toes and, grasping his biceps for balance, placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.
“Thank you,” she said. “You don’t know how much good you did for Papa just now by making him feel useful. He’s a very proud man and feeling as though he’s a burden has been killing him.”
Bernie’s whistle broke the connection and Niki glanced over at her grandfather, taking her eyes and hands off of Deuce. She watched as he yelled several commands to the dogs and Stella and Gracie took off after the sheep to get the animals moving again. Niki cringed when Bernie’s head jerked back as Joe nudged Storm to resume pulling the travois up the slope, but the old man didn’t complain, so she assumed the pain was under control.
Niki looked back and watched Deuce’s broad shoulders and narrow hips until he disappeared from view. She wanted to run after him, but there was nothing else to say for now. She had to believe he felt something more than responsibility for her, but if he didn’t act soon, Niki feared she might have to knock some sense into his thick skull, possibly with a stout tree limb. The stress of their situation was wearing thin on her patience and forcing her to think about what she wanted in life and no matter how hard she had tried to deny it for the past few years, what she wanted was Deuce.
She reluctantly took her focus off the last place she had seen Deuce and jogged to catch up to Sarah, who was leading both mules. Niki took one lead rope from Sarah’s hand and fell into a quiet companionable step with woman. Niki hoped the move deeper into the mountains would keep them safe, but only time would tell. For now, she would tend to her grandfather and try to keep focused on survival, and not the man who kept her emotions in a constant state of turmoil.
