by Amelia Lee
I helped her up and took her sitting on the sofa. I helped clean the wound on her face. She paused, staring at my face as I was cleaning the wound. She grimaced slightly painfully when I stuck a plaster on her face. I get up from my seat to clean up the broken glass just before she held my left wrist. She spoke to me in a tone that was very small, almost like a whisper, but I was able to hear, "I'm sorry."
Two weeks later, I had a new problem that should I encounter. That time it was not about Iris who can not afford to carry a child, but the child itself. She asked me to profess I'm willing to adopt a child. She wanted a daughter. She asked me to go to an orphanage that is managed and owned by nun. At first I refused, but after seeing her look so glum, I accept it. Besides, I was honest with myself, that though I was able to accept the fact that Iris will not be able to have children, but deep in my heart, I still want to have children who come from the womb of my own wife.
So we decided to adopt a girl aged six years (she was nine years old later) in December, 2011. That was the first Christmas we celebrate together with someone, not alone and just us, but together with our adopted daughter. Iris changed her name to Rose, because she liked roses and renamed it as the name of a flower, the same as her parents named her, Iris, the name of a flower.
In the past we did not need a special time to take care of a child, but after Rose came into our life, we need it. Since Rose’s arrival, she changed our days to be more colorful. Her laugh, her brown long hair which Iris liked to comb, always asked me to play along and bought a brown teddy bear for her.
Evening
The wind blew the tree branches that were visible to see through the glass window of the room. Heavy rain and occasional lightning adorn the lonely night. I turned to my side, Iris already fell asleep under a thick blanket. I walked out tiptoed to the door of my room and get out as soon as possible. I walked a bit unsteadily, holding my head. I experienced it again, things I did not tell anyone, a secret that I keep to myself. I was having nightmares.
I drank the mineral water in a glass cup and sat in the living room. I've tried to forget, but I can not. Every day as my memory has become increasingly apparent, which initially blurred, now I was starting to remember it. And feel it. I can feel the pain in my dreams. All dreams felt real. The reality is a dream and the dream is a reality.
Lightning flashed so jarring. "Dad?" I heard Rose called. Her voice came from behind.
"Hey, are you awake?" I asked her, who stood turned to me, holding a teddy bear that was bigger than her own body.
She was frightened and comes to me, "Will you sleep with me? I'm afraid."
I smiled, "Of course." I walked her to her bedroom. She fell asleep fifteen minutes later. It was still raining, thundering and lightning struck as the wind was blowing. I was pensive, I still look for who I am.
Next day
I woke up when I felt the warmth of the sun watering my skin. I looked to my side, Rose was already awake. I heard the sound of giggles from outside the room. She was watching a cartoon show that was aired on television.
"How did your sleep last night?" Iris looked at me and questioned me.
"Sorry, I could not sleep yesterday. Rose got up and asked me to accompany her, she was afraid. It was heavy rain and thunderstorms."
She paused and let out a long breath, "Is this about it anymore?"
I was speechless. I did not answer her question. "Emmerich," she said as she cupped my cheek with her hand, "Have not I been told you to forget about it? Why are you still trying to remember it?"
"I've tried, but can not, I can not resist myself."
The sound of the bell and knock on the door break up our conversation. Rose rose from her seat and opened the door. "Grandpa!" James came over and hugged her and picked her up, "You gain weight and height since the last time I saw you." Rose laughed in his arms.
We sat around the dinner table. I did not think James would visit us. He looked at me briefly and switched to Iris asked, "How are you?"
"So far so good. All goes well," she said, stroking the back of my left hand with her right hand. She smiled at me.
"I'll get you a drink father. Wait here a minute."
We were sitting together. Rose went stalking her mother to the kitchen. James sat opposite me. Silence. We did not speak any word. Although he was accepted me and allow me to marry Iris, but deep in his heart, it seems, he still can not accept this fact.
"How is your new job? I hear you're working in a bookstore right now," he said.
"It’s going good. I'm happy to work there, people are nice and I feel lucky to be accepted there," I said awkwardly.
"Never forget your past, Emmerich. Even though you're living in the future, but you'll never be here without going through what's behind you before."
"I'll try my best to remember."
Iris was behind us and heard our conversation. Anger fulfilled her face.
Stephanie
November, 5 2004
I woke up and found myself lying in a hospital. My index and little finger was bandaged, I can still feel the pain through it. I saw Sebastian, he came up to me from behind the door.
"Are you feeling better?" He asked.
"Since when have I been here?"
"Since yesterday evening. You found unconscious in an alley. Your mother called me, asking why you did not return home. She thought you were in my house. I turned on my phone and saw a missed call from you. We are looking for you everywhere, and find you fell and… bloody,"
I looked at my hands, I tried to open my bandage, Sebastian prevent it, "No, stop. Your finger has not healed properly,"
"How is the condition? What do you see when you found me?" He did not answer me. "Sebastian, what do you see?"
He looked at me with a pleading face, "They amputate your finger." No, this must be impossible.
I sat in the middle of the bed while sipping chicken soup that was served by the hospital. "Do you want juice?" asked him. I shook my head.
A tall and big cop came toward us, "Stephanie, can we talk for a minute?" He took me to a room and invited me to sit there. I was not alone, my mother and two policemen sitting there. This man sat down and started interrogated me.
"I'm from the police, your mother called us," I turned to stare into the face of my mother. She sat there looking at us with a sad face. This man spoke again, "Your mother told everything to me, she said you should have come home early, but you did not. If I may know, where have you been?"
"I was going out with my friends to a mini market. With friends who also took part in the drama at my school. I went home in a hurry when I felt someone was following me. He then smothered and took me to a dark alley. He did this in there, cut my fingers and did sexual harassment against me."
He looked at me seriously. I talked to him for about thirty minutes. It was a criminal act. I can still be lucky just to lose my fingers, not my life. He cut my finger and not my neck.
"We will find the perpetrators as soon as possible."
Evening
I've been allowed to return home. I underwent amputation surgery that was not too large. The doctors had to do it last night as soon as I was taken to the hospital. They said my finger was already getting a bit blackened.
I mused in my room under my heavy blanket. I was not participated in the opera drama today. Ms. Alice called me this afternoon and she was very sorry to my situation. I heard a knock on my door. My mother spoke from outside the room, "Stephanie, you're not hungry?"
"No," I already lost my appetite. She called me again from outside the room fifteen minutes later, "May I come?"
She came in and brought me a glass of milk. She came over and sat beside me. She stroked my hair. “Why everything must be like this? Mom, I do not want to be like this," I said. I nagged at her side.
She switched looked at my face, "Hey, everything will be fine, okay? You still have me, your dad even busy helping the police to find who did it. We love you,"
I cried
. I can not accept all of this. Accept the fact that I would not be able to play piano. Forever. I was disabled. That bastard man, the one who caused it.
"Stephanie?" A man's voice behind the door broke the silence between me and my mother. It was Sebastian. He came to visit me. My mom left shortly after let him in.
He sat beside me. "Hey, how are you doing?" asked him.
"Not better than before." He approached me and kissed my cheek briefly. I saw a black plastic bag in his hand. "What have you brought?"
"Uno card, will you play with me?"
I smiled at him, "I do not feel like playing right now."
He laid his cards on the table beside my bed and lying down beside me on the bed. He looked at my face, and touched the tip of my nose. He smiled at me. I knew he was trying to comfort me.
I paused before started to speaking again. I spoke with very low sounds, almost like a whisper. "I can not play the piano anymore. I've been disabled, look at me, Sebastian, I could not even hold with my both hands again. My left hand is so weak,"
"Shh, do not talk like that. You're always perfect in my eyes. Don’t care about the others," he said as he hugged me.
We paused for a few minutes. I feel so comfortable in his arms. I do not want to take it off. I speak in his arms, "Who would do this to me?"
"I do not know. But sooner or later we will found it,"
I looked up into his eyes, "Will you help me brush my hair?"
He got up and went picked up a comb and a small mirror on my closet. He helped me braid my hair, I did not remember last time when I braided my hair. Looks like my mother did. He combed my hair, I saw my reflection in the mirror. I look messed up, my face as pale as a sick person.
"Am I still look appealing to you?" I asked him. He was combing my hair.
"Why do you think that? You dumb, you'll always interesting and beautiful for me," he said.
He let go of my hair. It was nearly waist-length. I was like a ghost. "Your hair is so smooth,"
I smiled, "Really?" He nodded.
He turned my body and touched my chin with his fingers so I could watch his face. "You are so beautiful." He drew closer his face into my face and kissed me on the lips. He embraced my waist with his hands. I squeezed his shoulder. "Ouch," I whimpered in pain as I felt the fingers of my right hand touching his body. It still hurts.
"Sorry," he told me.
He laid me back and cupped my cheek with both of his hand. He kissed my lips and my neck. I moaned, pleasure started filled me.
"Stop, please," I said. He stopped kissing me. My neck would have been filled by blue spots now. "My parents will hear us,"
He smiled at me, "No, they will not hear us, I'll do it gently." He walked to the door of my room and locked it. Tonight will be a long night, and I will enjoy every second of it.
One week later
I watched every seconds when the police took them into the car. She looked at me with a sneer and cursed me with words that do not deserve spoken by a woman. They arrested her, Elisabeth Chester, the man behind this incident. I had assumed before, she did not like when I was elected to replace her to play that piano. Everybody considers my ability more than her, and I was never haughty just because I can play piano better than her.
There are two things in her that made me dumbfounded. First, she sent someone, her own brother who was as insane as her, to help her did that dirty work. I saw and heard with my own eyes every confession she made from her own mouth in front of the police. She admitted she sent his brother for ‘pranking’ me. Does her mouth was not working anymore to simply talk with me if she was willing to replaced me? Looks like their brain was not attached to their head. It lost somewhere.
Second, she has held a grudge with me a long time because I was disturbing her personal life. Yes, Dorris, my former math teacher who was fucking same like her was her boyfriend. It turned out she was the woman who had been in the toilet and the one who I saw walking with Dorris, whose face covered by jacket in the rain at that time.
She was sentenced to fifth teen years in prison after only four teen years, since I filed my objection to the judge's decision. She already removes my finger and luckily I did not do the same thing against her. Automatically she was declared out of school since today.
The police knew that she was the culprit after police found a man with similar characteristics I mentioned yesterday when he walked to the grocery store, he used exactly the same clothes as he used when he hurt me. His brain was in his knee, he never felt suspicious or wary if one day he will be caught. Other than that, my friend, Robert, saw Elisabeth’s strange gestures shortly after we decided to go to the mini market together. Rob said she kept continued playing with her cell phone and looked nervous and impatient at the same time.
One thing I can learn from all of this was the fact that your own anger can kill yourself. She was not supposed to did that, dropped out in the middle of school. And that was because I disturbed her. But I did not blame myself because I did not know Dorris was her boyfriend. Yet less than a year we will finish our school.
And after that I was trying to drown out some of my emotions lately that mixed together in my mind. I can be sad and happy at the same time. And it looks like I was begin to rebel to myself so I wanted to fulfill my desire to visit a psychiatrist.
A few days later, 28 November 2004
I went to a shopping center that was currently selling items discounted up to 50%. I went along with my mother. It was four in the afternoon when my mother called my father, let he know where we were and informed him that we were not able to go home early. There was a blizzard at that time, and visitors were expected to stay for a while because it can endanger their life.
I sat quietly like a mannequin doll that displayed behind a showcase. I did not know what to do. It was more than enough to wait until the storm subsides. I had to wait for a long time. I hate waiting.
Almost three hours passed, and it has not shown any good signs.
We got home at seven in the evening finally. I rang the doorbell of my house. Nobody answered. My mother has been frozen, shivering with cold. I rang the bell many times until finally my father came out to open the door.
"What the hell took you so long?" My mom said in an angry tone.
I put a bag of groceries and walked towards my room that was located on the second floor. My eyes widened, sleepiness that had covered me suddenly vanished. I saw her, that woman, was standing there. She was half-naked and was trying buttoning her shirt. I saw a lot of blue mark on her neck and her breasts. She should have been here an hour ago, I thought. That woman, Daisy.
"What did you just do?" I asked her. She did not answer me.
My head was spinning just like after riding relentless carousel. The fingers of my left hand who already stump ached back, and the knife’s cut that made a wound on my right finger ached more. I heard from the inside of my bedroom, my parents had a big fight.
"What did you do?!" asked my mother.
"It's not what you think, listen to my explanation first,"
"No!" She shouted at my father. She was crying, I can feel the pain in her heart, "You do not have to explain anything to me! I’m such a dumb…" My mother spoke again after being silent for a moment. "How long did you do that?"
My father was silent before spoke up. "Two years,"
"Now get out from my fucking house and pack your clothes. Take this bitch with you."
As I already thought before, my father had an affair. For two years. With his own nanny, our nanny, Daisy. I went down the stairs and went to my mother who slumped at the table as soon as the eggs that will fall. She cried until her face turned red. I saw my father from the window, he looked at me with a pleading face shortly before he left the house.
December 2, 2004
They divorced right on December 2, 2004. I chose to stay with my mother, although I know my life would not be better if I stayed with her either. I was going to move from here, we will not settle in h
ere again and I chose to go with her somewhere. And that means I have to give myself to stay away from Sebastian.
My father will remain sustenance me, according to the terms of the agreement, but my house was made on behalf of my father’s name. My mother had no other choice but to move from this house. My mom said too much memories there. Actually there was no parting words that mean so much (unless someone dies) in this sophisticated age. I can meet Sebastian every day, call or even send him hundreds messages or even thousands of times as I can. But I still know myself, my pride would not do that.
He helped me put my luggage into the car. I looked at his face and kissed his lips.
"Hey, do not act like this, we can still relate do not we?" He continued his words, "Call me every day and let me know your new home address."
I hugged and said goodbye to him. He kept staring at my departure.
Emmerich
June 30, 2014
Day seems passed slowly. I sat alone on the bench which handle is made of iron, and staring at people passing by or just sit around reading books. It was Monday, and in fact everyone I met seemed blue, even myself. I was worn out not because I did not like Mondays, but the thought of Rose. She had a fever and James was happy to take care of her as long as we are not at home. I did not hire a maid or baby sitter to take care of her because she still has a grandfather who was retired from his job.
I turned to see the mobile phone that was in my pocket when I felt there was an incoming message. It was Iris. She asked me to pick her up later in the afternoon. She has not had a private clinic yet, but planning to have it later. She works at a clinic that specializes in serving psychological issues, which employs many psychiatrists and psychologists.
Afternoon
Time showed five past seven when I got to Iris’ work place. I sat in the waiting room like a patient who wants to consult with a psychiatrist. I was not comfortable if I came in to her room and disrupt the treatment process, especially from what I know, usually people who consult a psychiatrist tell their personal matter that of course, not everyone knew.
