by Amelia Lee
"You're home early,"
"Yes. My head is sore and also my neck. Looks like I'm less rest. My appetite also decrease recently,"
"Would you like some medicine?"
"No need. I still have supplies in the drawer." Iris went to our bedroom and returned five minutes later. She smiled at me, "Well, it’s already depleted. Will you buy some?"
I smiled, "Of course." She embraces my shoulders and kissed me on the lips, "Thank you."
I looked at the hanging clock on the pharmacy’s wall with lazy eyes. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. Minutes after minutes has already passed, I had to queue for a long time there, and lately there are many people who are sick or caught fever. It was so boring to lining up just to buy medicine that was not very much.
My body jerked as I felt there was someone who was accidentally pushed me from behind. I looked back, it was a young man in his twenties. He looked drunk. "Sorry," he told me. "I did not mean anything." I just responded with a smile. He looked at me with wide eyed, as if we ever met before. Who was he? Did I recognize him?
I was just turned my feet toward the door after paid some medicine that I bought when my ears hear noisy sound at the checkout counter. "Oh gee, if you have no money then do not buy anything here!" Shouted one woman who was carrying a girl that standing behind her.
"You are already inhibiting the line!" Shouted one old man standing behind the woman.
They scolded at that man, the man that accidentally pushed me from behind. It seems he can not pay medicines he bought.
I walked over and asked him, "How much all of these stuff?" I paid for medicines he bought. The price was not as expensive as the one that I bought, much cheaper, yet he was unable to pay. He looked shabby and sick. I felt pity for him.
"Thank you. You've helped me."
"You're welcome." I paused and asked him, "Are you not feeling well?"
He let out a long breath, "Yes, that's it. Thank you once again." He then left and disappeared in either a narrow alley.
I went to the pharmacy earlier at five-twenty and came back an hour later. I was really tired, I wanted to go straight to bed, but it was dinner time and was likely too early to sleep. "I'm sorry I'm late. It was a long queue. So many sick people there," I said to Iris. She was seen checking her cell phone.
"Yes, it's okay." She looked at me and then turned back to the screen of her cell phone.
"Are you busy?" I asked, curious.
She took a deep breath in and then exhale, "About William." She seemed a bit annoyed.
"Again?"
"He sent me a short message. He knows my number. I think it’s because my identity card,"
"He said something?"
Iris stood up and picked up a newspaper that has been worn and folded here and there. An old newspaper. She gave it to me. "This," she said. The newspaper was produced on 2005, several years ago. "What is this mean?" I asked.
She pointed to one of the large letters that printed in the newspaper. A news about murder. "This. You see this guy? It was his only child."
I read the headlines. A planned murder. Iris back handed me another newspaper. This time a new newspaper, not as old as the first one, April 2014 edition. The news was talking about the same person. An unsolved murder for eight years, but this time the headlines’ font size was smaller than the 2005 edition. I frowned, "So this was William’s child?"
Iris nodded, "I get the newspaper from him,"
"So what’s the matter between a psychiatrist and a murder case? Why did he call you? Was not he supposed to call the police or something?"
"He had contacted the police. So many time. They were not able to help him again. The case was so complicated, there was no evidence even there’s a lot of defendant." She continued her words, "He visited me in order for me to help him forget about this problem. His body is healthy but his mind is sick."
I nodded, "I understand. Mind burden,"
"Yes."
I read the newspaper with interest. In the first paper, the 2005 edition, stated that this person has been declared missing for about two weeks and was declared dead a month later. The corpse was never found until now. There was ten unexpectedly people allegedly was the killer, including William.
In the second paper, the 2014 edition, there was a picture of William, bowed his head as if refusing to be photographed. The news discusses about the death puzzle again. This person died on eighteenth August of 2005, at the age of eighteen. Many suspect that this person was not killed, but rather suicide. But if that was true, killed or commited suicide, why was the corpse was not found until now? There was also a few people who believe that this guy never died, but escape somewhere. They only makes sensation to be famous. And if indeed they do, they are truly remarkable. William was good at hiding something and falsifying something like a magician.
But it seems non sense. Who on earth create and plan their own deaths just to be famous? Really does not make sense.
"Have you read it?" Asked Iris who was sitting beside me.
"Yes. It looks like you are a cop now,"
She smiled lightly, "This is his personal problem. Moreover, it has been almost eight years had passed and the case has expired."
Evening
Nightmare may not be so daunting for me again, yet may be frightening to others. I've been invulnerable to be haunted by various nightmares every night. Even though after I go back to the real world, the thought began to come to me again. The thought to know and find out where my family was left. For some, it may be nothing left.
I have to keep going forward, I know that, but sometimes on the sidelines towards an improvement, thought about the past may sometimes approached. But I can not think of my past, because I can not. I could not. My head will be hurt. My heart aches more.
I feel sorry for William. He was haunted by his past thoughts and problems, while I was haunted by my own thoughts. He visited a psychiatrist, that means two things. First, he was really in need of psychiatric help to solve problems that could not be done by ordinary people, including his family. And secondly, he has no friends or even family that he can talk to, so the only solution was simply talking to other people, to a psychiatrist.
I thought back to that person's face, the young woman, who died at the age of eighteen, and the case was not revealed for nearly eight years.
That women, William’s only child. Stephanie Lene Cohen.
Stephanie
December 25, 2004
I just think about death all the time. Knives, rope even all toxic pesticides have been left in my house without having to buying it. Bled to death by cutting my arteries, hanging myself with a rope, poisoned to death by drinking pesticide or even electrocuted to death by entering a hairdryer into the bath tub.
But I dismissed these thoughts. Again, I did not want to die. I did not want to die even though my mind told me to. Perhaps death was better now, but it will not solve the problem. It just going to show to other people how vulnerable I was. How weak I am. There was something inside me, something although it may be only the tip of a finger, saying to me, whispering in my ear, told me to survive. Hope that was keeps me going.
Time show at one in the afternoon as I sat alone in side a lake in a park, reading a book. There was not many things to do in the middle of a very cold weather like this. I turned off my cell phone. I have not turned it on since last night. In fact I planned to change my number. I also will change my cell phone if I have to.
I felt the cold wind blows into my skin. In the end I was not able to stay any longer there, and decided to go somewhere else. It was a really stupid mind, took me to go to the park alone at Christmas, where should I spend time with my family. I was thirsty, hungry for affection and love from people who should be able to give it to me.
I decided to go to a store that sells a wide variety of liquors to buy a bottle of wine. I wanted to drink. My parents would have called me many times, and I promise I'll go home right next three hours. Maybe there was not jus
t my parents who called and looking for me. Maybe.
I poured a bottle of wine and drank alone in the store. It tasted delicious. I looked back as I felt someone patted my shoulder. He greeted me and smiled, "Hey. Are you alone?" It was Frederick.
I smiled back at him, "Yes. And you?"
"I am alone. Accidentally I'm here and meet you."
I did not expect to see him here. In fact, I was hoping to meet Sebastian. I asked him after drinking a glass of wine, "You do not go with your family? This is Christmas, is not it?"
"They're in house, I just come in here to buy wine and then go back,"
I smiled. We were silent for about five minutes. No one's talking, he seemed awkward. "Are not you supposed to go? Definitely your family has been waiting at home,"
"Oh, yeah, um, I have to go now. See you later." He left. He was acting a little bit strange and seemed confused, as people who get lost.
I went back to my house, my new house, exactly at three in the afternoon. I made a promise to my dad that I wanted to celebrate Christmas with both of my parents, with them. I went in and saw they were sitting chatting in the living room. They are not alone, but with someone. And when I saw him, I was shocked.
"Where have you been? We are waiting for you. Your father too," said my mom when she saw me coming.
"I've been buying wine. It's for you." She accepted it with a big grin and took some glass from the kitchen. I sat down and re-opened my book, which I kept in my bag. He kept looking at me, seems wanted to say something. Me too. I wanted to say something but my words detained in my mouth as if caught in my throat and I could not say anything again. “Stephanie, honey, are you okay?" Asked my father, who sat across the table.
"Sure," I replied. "I am fine."
They looked at each other. My father stood up and walked toward the kitchen. It was only me and him left. We sat in silence. I kept staring to my book, which was actually not truly I read, while he continued to look my face. I wonder what was on his mind.
Sebastian looked just right to my eyes. I did not dare to look at his eyes. Question after question meets my brain. Did my parents already know this? That I was angry with him? What was he doing in my house right now? He moved close to me and took the book in my hand. He put it on the table. I just remain silent. He called me, his voice was so faint and weak. "Stephanie…" He continued his words, "Stephanie I know you're upset with me. Believe me, she is nothing. She is just my father's friend daughter and is same age with us so I think we can make a good friendship."
Although I was upset, but frankly I was still fond of him. And there will always be that way.
"I can not lose you. It’s very difficult to find others like you because there’s no one like you," he said.
I looked into his eyes, "Then why did you disappear without even calling me for days? I think you are gone and will not come back, you know that?"
"I went to visit my distant relatives and my mother's grave that time. You know, I only have one parent left. I’m so sorry not telling you that before, I was in a big hurry for my family."
I feel so dumb, "I'm sorry." Then he hugged me. I did not know why but there seems to be something wrong with me. I was shocked and did not know about the extreme change in my mood lately. Sebastian spoke again, "Are you still angry with me?"
"No,"
"Is it true?"
"Yes, it …" He cut my words with a kiss.
New Year's Eve, December 31, 2004
I sat on my porch, staring at the evening sky dotted by flying birds that about to return to their nests. I did not expect to spend the New Year's Eve like this. Here, alone. I swallowed back my wine. This was already the second bottle, and if I continue to drink until the third bottle I'm sure I will be completely drunk. But I ignored, yet I was at home. And I wanted to get drunk.
I could have go somewhere with my friends that day, but I refused. I refused not because I did not want to go along with them, I refused because I was supposed to go along with Sebastian. He asked me to go, but instead he were canceled. He told me that he was ill. And I will visit him soon.
"Good afternoon," someone said hello. The voice came from my right side. It was Frederick.
"Hey. You're not going somewhere?" I asked, smiled.
He smiled, revealing both his dimples, "No. You know, I am confused where to go. I used to celebrate new year’s eve at home." Frederick came over and sat next to me. I offered him a glass of wine, "You want some?" He took it and drank it in one gulp.
"You seems thirsty,"
He smiled faintly and cleanup leftover wine in the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. He asked me, "How about you? Did not think to go somewhere?"
"I will. Soon. Hmm what time is it now?"
"Five-forty,"
"Okay. I think I have to get ready now," I handed the bottle of wine to him, "Take this. Just drink if you want." He smiled and thanked me.
Evening
I was determined to kept driving even though I was exhausted drank nearly two bottles of wine. Alone. I went through the crowded streets, lots of cars and pedestrians passing by. I turned around, distorting my car through the streets which I think will rarely traveled. But I was wrong. Although not as busy as the streets before, I still can not spur my car at higher speeds.
park and not far from a shopping center. I did not know what was in my mind to ultimately decided to pass through this street because I could pass quieter streets, with less pedestrians. There was something inside me, saying that I should pass through this street. A kind of feeling of something.
I drove with a ‘half soul’. My eyes began to blur, my head started to spin. I tried to stay focused to drive though I feel like throwing up. My stomach was queasy once, my head felt dizzy like after riding a carousel repeatedly. My eyes blurred, I nearly hit one pedestrian, a woman carrying a child. Reflex, I gasped and swerved toward my right. My car swerved and hit a tree. The front of my car smoke, burning. I sat limp in my car, my temple bleed. The blood flowed to my jaw bone, creating irregular lines. People started walking toward me.
My eyes blurred, I almost fainted at that time, but I forced myself to remain conscious. Ambulance came ten minutes later. A policeman came and approached me. He asked me some questions, and I was sure without have to admit it he should be able to know that I was drunk.
My attention was not really focus on him and his questions. My attention was focused on one of the pedestrian, who was on the other side. They held hands, she embraces him and he kissed her cheek. The same thing like Dorris and Elisabeth did. But it was not them who I saw that time. But Sebastian.
He lied to me. Again.
They seem wanted to visit one of the taverns as she was looking at me who was surrounded by sea of people. She was pointing at me. They did look at me. She stared at me with curiosity while the other stared in disbelief and slightly widened eyes. Sebastian releases her embrace and ran toward me. My eyes were blurred, so blurred until it was all completely dark. Sebastian comes to me, he called my name, but I could not hear it. I can not hear anything. His voice getting smaller, smaller, until finally I lost all sound from my hearing. The last thing I saw was the policeman who was with me. He gaped when he saw me faint.
The next morning
The next morning, I awoke with a mix feeling of chaos. I was in the hospital. "You okay?" Asked my mother.
I nodded, "Yes."
"What’s came through your mind when you decided to drive after drinking wine? Do you want to die soon? I’m so freaking worried, you know that?" Her eyes filled with tears. I’m sorry mom.
My dad came over and called me. I saw Sebastian standing there, beside him. "Stephanie, are you okay?" My dad looked very worried, as if I just affected by dangerous virus or got diagnosed with cancer.
"I'm fine, I just got a little bloody."
Sebastian came over and looked at me but I did not want to stare at his face. "Stephannie…"
"Dad, I do not feel like talking to eve
ryone today," I said.
My father gasped, shocked. Sebastian returned to speak, his voice was so weak, "Stephanie, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,"
"Did not you hear it? I said I do not feel like talking to other people today!"
My father whispers something into his ear and asked him to go outside.
A few days later, January 18, 2005
Every time I opened my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun, it made me realize that I was still alive. I was still alive until that time, after so many events I went through that I still can not forget it. Karma has been approached. What I did with Dorris, turning to myself. Everything was coming back to me.
I wanted to go. Go away to another place as if I never existed here, as if I never existed.
I kept trying to survive. I kept telling myself that I was strong. But in reality I was not that strong.
Day by day, time and moments has passed and the last days in school feels different now. It was the last year of school, I should still go and study even though I guess I was not longer able to. I was dumbfounded. My body was here, but my spirit was outside, somewhere in other place.
January
February
March
Months has passed. Day by day it passed. Time will continue to run even though I hope I could stop the time. And without realizing it or not, I was getting used to the absence of Sebastian in my life. I was getting used because there was something to take my mind not to think about him. And it was my own mother. She was same just like my father.
In recent months, precisely since early February, she began coming home with a red face like a boiled crab and stagger to her room. It was not a problem for me at first. Subsequently, she began to go home and bring a guy, Andrew, her old friend. Still, it can be accepted.
It was when she confessed to me, that they have been in a relationship long before she knew Daisy was in relationship with my dad. They were both cheating. Or maybe they already know each other’s dirty secret but decided to keep quiet because they did not want to hurt my feelings. That was why my mom always come home late at night and. She got a dirty business. Yes, affair with a man. Now Andrew lives with us.
