by Emma Scott
“Hey, Shi.”
“You okay?” she asked.
“I’ve been better.”
“Look, I wasn’t going to tell you this since I fucking hate gossip, but the way you’ve been lately, I think you need to hear it. All of it.”
My hand clutched the phone. “There’s more?”
“Yes.” She inhaled. “Amber told me she realized that ‘All I’ll Ever Want’ was written for you.”
“For me…”
The words washed over me, and a small breath pushed out of my open mouth. I felt warm all over. Light. The lyrics swam in my mind, their beauty taking on a new meaning. Sinking deeper into my heart.
Because they’re for me.
“I think I knew,” I murmured. “I think I always knew. But I was so insistent on sticking to my plans…”
“I’d say I told you so,” Shiloh said, “but I’m a bigger person than that.”
I laughed. Elation filled me like warm air for a few precious seconds, and then reality brought me crashing to the ground.
“Oh my God,” I said, my hand over my mouth that still stung from my blundering kisses with River. “We can’t get it right. Not ever.”
“What’s that?” Shiloh asked. “I can’t hear you.”
“The pendulum goes back and forth. We’re never in sync. Ever.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I kissed River,” I said. “I kissed River, and we’re going to the Prom together.”
“Oh Christ.” Shiloh hissed air out of her nose. “Are you two back on?”
“No, the kiss was a disaster. We’re just going as friends.”
“Okay. That’s not…ideal but talk to Miller. You two are long overdue—Wait. He hasn’t called you yet?”
“No.”
“Maybe he just needs time. Or wants to give Amber time.”
“Maybe. But God, it shouldn’t be this complicated, right? It’s like we’re at opposite ends of a maze, and every time we get close, someone takes a wrong turn.”
“Explain to him about River,” Shiloh said. “He’ll understand. It’s not like you cheated on him.”
“Feels like it.” I sucked in a breath. “But yes, I’ll talk to him. We need to talk. We’ve needed to talk since forever.”
“No argument from me there.”
“I gotta go, Shi,” I said. “Practice is about to start.”
“Enjoy. Be safe.”
“I will.”
I dropped my phone back in my duffel and jogged onto the practice field. We ran drills, and I wove in and out of cones with the ball on automatic, my thoughts running ahead of me. The practice scrimmage began, and I couldn’t focus. Twice, Coach Brimner pulled me aside for making stupid mistakes.
“You okay?” she asked. “You’ve been all over the place lately.”
“Yeah, sorry. I’ll pull myself together.”
“You do that, or I’ll pull you from Saturday’s game.”
I sucked in a breath, pissed at myself for being at the mercy of my feelings for Miller, yet again. Angela Marino was dribbling the ball down the field toward me. I charged at her, sliding with one leg out, determined to punch the ball out of her possession and show Coach I wasn’t a lost cause. That I was stronger than that.
I slid too hard, too fast. Grass flew. Cleats and shin guards filled my vision. Angela grunted, trying to jump over me.
The last thing I saw was her kneecap driving toward my head and then nothing.
Chapter Seventeen
I woke to see the vast white landscape. A bed. Confusion clouded my thoughts; I had no clue where I was, until I spied the hospital wristband on my left arm. Last night came back in bits and pieces. The doctors had huddled with my anxious parents, telling them I’d suffered a concussion. Scans showed no bleeds or swelling, but since I’d been knocked out cold, they wanted to keep me overnight. Finally, close to dawn, they let me sleep.
My head ached and my stomach felt queasy. I started to try to go back to sleep, when a dark blue blur near the window shifted. I blinked the blur into focus. Miller. He was curled sideways in a chair, his long legs tucked up and his head pillowed on his knees. His guitar and backpack on the floor beside him.
Tears sprang to my eyes.
He’s here.
“Hi.”
My voice was in tatters, but Miller shot awake instantly. He unfolded his tall form and hurried to my bedside, still half asleep.
“Hey.” He dropped into the chair beside me. Stubble shadowed his jaw; dark circles ringed his eyes. “How are you? How are you feeling?”
“Hurts a little, but I’m okay. Better now. How long have you been here?”
“All night.”
“You’ve been here all night?” The hospital room was chilled, but I suddenly felt warm all over.
He nodded. “Shiloh was here for a while, but her grandmother called her home. She wanted me to tell you she hopes you get well soon, and if you don’t, she’ll kick your ass.”
“She’s sentimental that way.”
“Your parents were here late, too, but I told them I’d take the next watch,” Miller said. “Your mom wasn’t too keen on me hanging around, but I wasn’t going anywhere. I fought like hell to try to see you, but they wouldn’t let me in until your dad said it was okay.”
“I’m so glad you fought like hell.”
Miller’s jaw clenched. “I should’ve done it sooner. Years ago. Fought for you.”
The tears threatened again, and Miller’s cobalt eyes, which were so often steely and cold, were now dark and soft and nowhere but on me.
“Do you need anything?” he asked. “What can I do?”
I smiled and brushed a lock of unruly hair out of his eyes. “Nothing. Just be here.”
He caught my hand and held it in his. The energy between us was different than it had been in months. Or ever. Since we were thirteen and he was the one in the hospital bed. The day I knew I’d love him forever.
He bowed his head. “Christ, I’m sorry this happened, Violet.”
“Not your fault. I dove straight into the path of Angela Marino’s kneecap. Oh shit, I hope she’s okay…”
“She is. I heard your parents talking.”
“Thank God, though I’m probably going to be cut from the team.”
“You shouldn’t be playing anyway,” Miller said darkly. “Not until you’re better. They said it’s a concussion. You’ll have to be careful for weeks.”
“I will.”
A short silence fell. He was still holding my hand.
“Miller…”
“I’m sorry, Vi. For a lot of things. I’m sorry I went silent on you. Disappeared. I’m sorry I ran to another girl when I should have told you the truth, that we always felt like more than friends. From the very first day. But I said nothing.”
“Not nothing. You put it in your songs,” I said with a smile. My hand in his tightened. “I’m sorry about so many things, too. Evelyn calls me Snow White, and I hate it. But I think it’s kind of accurate. I’ve been poisoning myself by thinking we would turn into my parents. But then you kissed me that first time and I woke up.”
“Yeah?” The vulnerability in his eyes was raw and naked.
“Yeah. Your kisses have magical properties, Stratton. The first rearranged my universe. The second at the Shack turned me into a puddle of lust. I’m a little bit scared what will happen with number three.”
His small smile faded. “I still haven’t told you the rest. About Amber.”
“I know. Shiloh told me.”
“I would’ve told you the minute it was over, but she asked me to give her time and so I did. She deserved better than me. Maybe you do too.”
I shook my head, then winced. “Don’t say things like that and make me shake my head,” I said with a small laugh.
Miller wasn’t smiling. “It’s true.” He studied our clasped hands as he spoke, rubbing his thumb back and forth over my skin. “I walk around every day pretending like it
doesn’t fucking matter what my dad did. I tell people he’s dead because if he’s dead and gone, so what if he left? But he’s not dead. He could come back any time, and he doesn’t. And what he did matters.”
“Of course, it does,” I said softly, surprised. Miller had rarely spoken about his father in the four years I’d known him.
“It matters,” he said, “not just because Mom and I had to live in a fucking car. It messed me up too. I lost a lot, real fast. My dad, my house, my school and our neighborhood in Los Banos. My friends. Hell, I nearly lost my life. It’s not his fault I have diabetes, but he doesn’t know I have it, and he fucking should. I’m his son.”
I nodded, listening, wishing I could pull the hurt out of him so he didn’t have to carry it anymore.
He raised his eyes to mine. “He took everything so that’s what I have left. The fear that anything can be taken away, at any time. When I heard you were hurt, it fucking killed me. Because maybe I’d pushed you away so hard, it turned my fear into a reality.”
He leaned close, pressed my hands to his heart. “This is yours. Always. I’ll be whatever you want me to be. I’ll be your friend if that’s what you want. No more bullshit. Or I’ll be…more. I’ll be nothing. All I want is for you to be happy.”
My throat felt thick and my heart full at what he was offering me. “You can never be nothing to me, Miller. Not ever.”
The expression that came over his face was heartbreakingly beautiful. Miller bent his head to me, and while I wanted nothing more than his kiss, we weren’t done clearing the path for us ahead. I put my hands on his chest.
“Wait. We have to be honest with each other all the time and talk about everything, okay? That’s the only way we’re going to survive. That’s the real lesson my parents have been teaching me.”
“Okay,” he said slowly.
“There’s something I have to tell you.”
He sat back in his chair. “What is it?”
Inhale, exhale. “I kissed River.”
Miller stared, his hands around mine going still. “When?”
“Yesterday.”
“Yesterday,” he repeated flatly.
“Yes, and it was a huge mistake. I knew it before I did it, and I knew it while it was happening. We were like two pieces of plywood smacking together. Painful and awkward and just all wrong.”
I could see Miller working this over in his mind. And he wasn’t happy.
“As far as I knew, you were still with Amber, and I was trying to do what you did. Get you out of my system. But it’s not possible.”
“No, not for me either,” he said. “I guess I can’t be pissed, but I just…I don’t like it.”
“I know. And I didn’t like seeing you with Amber. It wasn’t revenge, it was just…trying to take control of my feelings. It didn’t work.”
Miller inhaled deeply through his nose and let it out. “Okay. Well, I’m glad you told me.”
“There’s more.”
“More?”
“He asked me to the Prom, and I said yes.”
Now Miller let go of my hands and scrubbed his over his face. “I don’t know if I feel like I’m about to cry or laugh like a crazy person.”
“We’d only be going as friends. And I do care about him as a friend. We had an amazing talk. I think he’s under a lot of pressure from his parents.”
“You’ll forgive me if I don’t have a whole lot of sympathy right now.”
“You don’t have to, but you do have to trust me. We have to trust each other and tell each other everything.”
“Then I’m going to tell you I don’t want you to go to Prom with River.” I started to speak, but Miller took my hand in his again. “But you already promised him, and I know it means something to keep your word. I trust you, Vi.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. “That means everything, Miller. Like we have a shot.”
“We do,” he said. “Because I don’t ever want to lose you.”
Miller leaned over me, and my hands made fists in the lapels of his plaid shirt. My heart was pounding. He touched his mouth to mine softly. My lips parted in a breathy little gasp, and he kissed my upper and lower lip. Then he moved in deeper and I moaned softly. My eyes fell shut as that tingling, breath-stealing euphoria filled me and moved down into my stomach to send it fluttering.
Miller moved to sit on the edge of the bed, one hand cupping my cheek as his mouth moved over mine reverently. Exploring softly, touching gently, we sealed promises—spoken and unspoken—to take care of each other’s hearts.
The kiss ended naturally, and Miller pulled back, his eyes roaming every part of my face. He brushed his fingertips over the bandage on my right temple.
“Are you really okay?”
I nodded. “They’re going to kick me out any minute now.”
“Good. I don’t ever want to see you in here again.”
“Feeling’s mutual,” I said, stroking his cheek. “But since they’re taking their sweet time about it, will you play for me?”
“Anything.”
“‘All I’ll Ever Want.’ Shiloh said you wrote it for me.”
“They’re all for you, Vi. Even the ones I didn’t write. Those are for you too.”
Miller kissed me gently, then pressed his forehead to mine. “I came along,” he sang softly, almost a whisper, “I wrote a song for you…”
A little sob escaped me, and I threw my arms around his neck, pulling him in to me. Inhaling the clean, ocean scent of him, straight into my cells, into every molecule in my body. I held on tight, because now I had him, and I never wanted to let go.
Chapter Eighteen
May
“Where are we going?” I asked, chuckling, as Violet dragged me across the campus. The sun was brilliant and bright, not a cloud in sight.
“I’ve always wanted to do this,” she said. “A high school experience not to be missed.”
Hand-in-hand, she led me down from the main campus, toward the football field.
“The make-out spot under the bleachers?” I asked. “Isn’t that cheesy as hell?”
She arched a brow at me. “Well, we don’t have to go—” Her words were cut off with a squeal as I hauled her into the shadowy corner of the bleachers where it met the gym wall. Mercifully unoccupied.
I caged her against the wall, my eyes roaming her face, taking my time.
“You’re such a tease,” she breathed. Her hands went to my hips and drew me into her.
I gave a short laugh at her boldness. I hadn’t expected it from Violet, but over the last few weeks, I’d been getting to know her in a way that our past hesitations and fears hadn’t let me before.
All the kissing and making out was pretty fucking great too.
“What are you smiling about?” she asked, tilting her chin up and arching into me so that her breasts brushed against my chest.
“You,” I said, moving in, pressing against her. But even before I kissed her, my erection was hard and obvious through my jeans. I started to back off.
She pulled me back in. “Don’t. Just kiss me…”
Our mouths crashed together, and I groaned into our kiss as Violet parted her legs to bring me closer. Goddamn, she felt so good, smelled so good, tasted so good. I couldn’t get enough of her. Her luscious body I’d been agonizing over from afar was now against me, under my hands, offered willingly by the girl I loved so fucking much I could hardly breathe.
I kissed her hard, a tangling of tongues and rasping breaths, while cupping one breast over her T-shirt, my thumb running circles over the nipple. She moaned and slipped her hands into my hair, down my back, and then under my shirt. Her fingers traced my abs, deftly maneuvering around my CGM implant.
“God, Miller,” she whispered between kisses. “You’re so beautiful.”
“That’s my line.”
“You are,” she said, her small warm palm pressed to my abdomen, fingertips trailing over my skin. “I want to explore you…” She kissed me then
, slow and deep, while her hand started to slip into my jeans. “Can I?”
I nodded, once. Quickly. Over the past few weeks, I’d been trying to keep things moving slowly, clothes on, so that we didn’t get carried away. Having unlimited access to her bedroom almost every night didn’t help.
“Ah, fuck,” I grunted when she wrapped her fingers around me.
“You’re big,” she said curiously, almost matter of fact. “So big…”
“God, Vi,” I said, breathing hard. “We have to stop before…”
“You take my virginity right here?”
A shocked laugh burst out of me. “Jesus, woman.”
She laughed too and released me, then straightened my T-shirt. “Sorry. Part of me feels like I need to catch up. I’ve never done any of the things we do. But it’s really just you, Miller. I’m not the least bit nervous. Not with you.” She glanced up at me through lowered lashes. “Just the opposite. I can’t wait for my first time.”
“Our first time.”
She stared. “What? You and Amber never…?”
“Never.” I didn’t want to disrespect Amber, so I kept it to myself that while she was pretty and smart, my mind, heart, and dick weren’t interested. “How did you put it? Like two slabs of plywood smacking together.”
Violet didn’t smile, but her dark blue eyes, the color of night just after the sun sets, took me in, looking at me in a new light. “You never told me.”
“I figured you didn’t want to hear anything about Amber and me.”
“Maybe not, but…I’m surprised. And touched.”
I shrugged. “I was waiting for you.”
Violet threw her arms around me and kissed me deep, all tongue and heated wetness that made me dizzy.
“How about no more waiting?” she whispered.
I gave a nervous laugh and disentangled myself from her. “You have to stop saying things like that in public, or I’m going to get suspended.” I slung my arm over her shoulder and pulled her close as we walked out from under the bleachers. “I’m eighteen, but you have a few weeks to go. The state of California strongly suggests we wait.”
