For the first time, I felt like the frayed pieces of myself were going to be able to knit back together and I’d only be stronger for it.
And, I was.
Time went on.
I hadn’t expected how subtle the difference would be between loving someone and being in love with them. It wasn’t until it had happened that I realised I’d gone through life believing love was this massive, cataclysmic, life-changing force.
And, in many ways it was.
But, in many it wasn’t.
Being in love with Casper was less like my life had changed forever, and more like everything was complete somehow. It was like I had a new truth on which my life was founded; like the Earth is round or the sky looks blue. Being in love with Casper didn’t make me who I was or change who I was, but it was a truth on which the foundation of my life grew; like my love for my family, for the Drakes, for Bec; like my love of dance; like the fact I was awful at Math; like the fact my brother had killed himself. It only made me understand myself more.
And, I finally learnt that I could love. I wasn’t betraying Jonny, I wasn’t being weak, I wasn’t setting myself up for more heartache. Love made me stronger, it made my pain hurt less, and it helped the people around me.
That’s not to say my life didn’t change.
I smiled more, completely unbidden. I enjoyed dance again and I set my sights on choreography. I wasn’t quite so angry with the world. I actually studied harder. And, Casper and I danced in the rain on a regular basis, both figuratively and literally.
And, the people around me seemed to change a little too.
Our parents were an interesting lot at the best of times. Our mums went from telepathically, secretly planning our wedding to openly asking us our opinions on things when we passed them. I’d look at them, giggling over a bottle of wine, and didn’t have the heart to not join in. It became a great joke between the whole family, especially the fact that Casper and I could agree on nothing but that our first son would be called Jonny.
Our dads liked to try to scare Casper by making him think he’d done something wrong. This usually ended in me getting flowers or Casper going all super-gentleman for a day or two – pulling out my chair, holding doors open, that sort of thing – until he finally wised up and started reminding them that I was perfectly capable of chastising him if it was required. Needless to say, the dads couldn’t really argue on that one.
Bec still had her fun, but she was more tempered now. It was as humorous as it was frustrating to watch her look for love and get annoyed when the latest guy she’d been sure of turned out to be a letdown. But, she never gave up and I stood stoically, supportively, and annoyingly by her side. But, that’s a whole other story.
Emma… The change in her was a surprise to us all. She made tentative steps to re-join the world. Every day, saw her a little closer to the person she’d been before Jonny’s death. She was still reserved – but she always had been – but she came to parties, she hung out with us in the pit, she even came to the movies with us. And, her smile! I’d almost forgotten how beautiful she was.
Trent, Nick and Ash became an even more permanent fixture in my life. Bec and I hung out with them at school through their last three weeks, they crashed school in our last few weeks, then we spent all summer with them, Brett and Casper. Girls sure noticed how quickly the dynamic shifted and I was glad when summer came around.
And, my dear Brett? Well, the change was slower, but we could see he was trying so hard not to disappoint us. Which was stupid, because he’d never disappointed us, we’d only ever wanted to be there. But, now, he let us. If he was feeling shit, he’d make sure one of us was with him; it was like Trent, Nick, Ash, Bec, Emma, Casper and I were on some unconscious rotating roster, taking it in turns to keep an eye on him – or all doing it together. He may not have managed his depression the way the psych encouraged all the time. But, he knew he wasn’t alone, he knew he could lean on us and we’d never judge him.
Jonny was talked about freely and often, slowly at first, then like we had three years of reminiscing to catch up on. I didn’t know if I’d ever fully forgive Jonny for leaving me and I could never say goodbye to him properly. But, I always loved him for the person he was.
I hated that he was gone. I hated that he was missing out on everything.
But, I’d learnt that hate is never so easy and never so safe.
Because, the trouble with hate is…it’s often not hate at all.
Epilogue
2019 Casper
What’s that famous quote?
‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.’
Well, that’s what we did.
The Grangers and the Drakes, we learnt to dance in the rain. And, we did it together. Some of us more literally than others, of course.
As I lay awake, Lani fast asleep with her head on my shoulder, I heard it; the first drops of rain hitting the roof. I felt a smile growing on my face and I turned my head to kiss Lani’s temple.
She wriggled in her sleep, but didn’t wake.
“Angel?” I whispered.
She mumbled unintelligibly.
“It’s raining, love,” I said, pressing another kiss to her head.
From that angle, I could just see the smile tugging at her lips. “Raining?” she asked, still half asleep.
I nodded. “Raining.”
She lifted her head and rubbed her eye. “It’s the middle of the night.”
“It is.” I nodded. “Will you dance with me, Angel?”
She gave me the smile that lifted every care from my heart and banished even the thought of clouds from my existence.
“I’d love to.”
We slipped out of bed quietly. Lani grabbed my hand and pulled me down the stairs and out into the very middle of the back lawn. I pulled her close, leaning my forehead against hers as we danced.
I’d spent years thinking my life was perfect, that I had everything that anyone could every want.
I’d been an idiot.
People find happiness in all kinds of places. And, some people would be perfectly happy with a different hook-up every week, being the envy of their peers, being cool and popular and feeling like they didn’t have a care in the world.
But, my happy was right here.
My happy was Lani. My happy was dancing. My happy was studying. My happy was even having far too many things to care about; Brett, Emma, our parents, our friends, choreography, exams, even bills, and especially the girl of my dreams.
I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend. I messed up now and then. Sometimes we fought over stupid things like we used to. Sometimes it felt like we’d forgotten how to communicate again.
But, we always came back to each other.
And, that was what made it perfect.
It wasn’t the first time we’d danced in the rain and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. That night though was hopefully going to be slightly different than the rest.
I spun Lani, watching the way she tilted her face back to catch the rain with the biggest, goofiest smile on my face. I drew her back into me, wondering how I could ever have not seen what was right in front of me. I brushed my fingers down her cheek and her eyes fluttered open.
“I think we’ve hit inevitable, Angel,” I whispered as I nudged her nose with mine.
Her eyes searched mine as she cocked her head to the side in question. “Inevitable?”
I nodded. “In-fucking-evitable,” I said, thinking of that conversation with Nick that seemed so long ago now.
The corner of her lip quirked. “In what way?”
“I want to marry you.”
I could see she was fighting a smile as she paused before she answered, “I want to marry you, too.”
She reached up and pressed a kiss to my lips. When she drew away, I leant my cheek against her as we swayed gently.
“You can tell them
this time,” I said quietly.
“Is that so?” she asked.
I nodded. “I got yelled at last time. It’s your turn.”
She pulled away and look at me with humoured shock. “Really?”
“Really.”
The moonlight caught the bright green in her eyes. “Only because I don’t hate you.”
“I suppose I don’t hate you, either.”
I twirled her and dipped her, and was rewarded with her pure, beautiful laugh.
the Trouble with Hate is…
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I can’t believe it’s finally done!
This story took a good twelve months, about four re-starts, a whole lot of umms and ahhs, just so much emotional energy, and some literal tears. But, it’s here and it’s finished!
A huge thank you to Lauren, Charny and Josie, who are always my cheer squad and looked at multiple versions of the cover before I was happy with it.
My team of beta readers was amazing. I really appreciated all your helpful comments and critiques. Felcy, Uzma, Jessica, Deb, Sandra, Alethea; thank you for going through it and letting me know what you think.
Thank you, as always, to my long-suffering husband. I know I was more grouchy than usual while writing this one and I appreciate you putting up with me and looking after me. Thank you, too, for trying to read it even though it’s totally not your thing. You have always been my rock and I know you’ll always be there to dance in the rain with me.
A special thank you to They Who Shall Not Be Named, who are all an endless source of support, information and love. From your comments on the cover, to reassuring me during my pre-publication freak-out, your very existences are invaluable!
I’m going to go and take a breather, drink too much coffee, and finish the next project!
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www.elizabethstevens.com.au/YoungAdultBooks.
About the Author
Writer. Reader. Perpetual student. Nerd.
Born in New Zealand to a Brit and an Australian, I am a writer with a passion for all things storytelling. I love reading, writing, TV and movies, gaming, and spending time with family and friends. I am an avid fan of British comedy, superheroes, and SuperWhoLock. I have too many favourite books, but I fell in love with reading after Isobelle Carmody’s Obernewtyn. I am obsessed with all things mythological – my current focus being old-style Irish faeries. I live in Adelaide (South Australia) with my long-suffering husband, delirious dog, mad cat, two chickens, and a lazy turtle.
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