by Celia Hayes
I leaned over the table. «And you’re checking me tonight?»
He held my gaze. There was a hint of malice in his. «To us?» He raised his glass, offering a toast.
I shook my head. «“To us” is a little much for a first date. Why not “to this evening”?»
«Let’s say to the next one,» he bargained.
«I’ll see you again?»
«Very soon,» he promised, then he lowered his tone. He said the rest in a whisper, his eyes fixed on the lines of my face. «The people I work for have plans, Madison. There’s them, there’s Nolan Carter, and then there’s me and you, in the middle. The middlemen». He pointed at us with his glass, which he held right before his lips. «All considered, you know better than me that there’s only one safe place for people like us, and it’s on the witness bench».
«It looks like everyone knows what I know better than me, Mr Cosgrove. Have you considered that I might not like to get involved?» I pointed out, annoyed.
«Miss Hill, you’re already involved. I can only help you get out it with your record clean. But first you have to give me something».
We’d gone from warnings to accusations of complicity, and I hadn’t ordered food yet.
I took a deep breath. Accepting felt like a forced choice, but all considered, I didn’t know Nolan Carter. And I doubted that, had he been at that table, Nolan would not have done the same.
«To next time, then». I shared Matthew’s toast, but a moment before our glasses met, we were stopped by the maître d’.
«Mr Cosgrove, there’s a phone call for you». He raised an arm, pointed at the exit where, most likely, the phone was waiting.
«I...»
«Go on, Mr Cosgrove. I will not run,» I promised, and so, one step away from becoming a police informant, I found myself alone at a table, with the sleepless sity in the background.
My cell phone started buzzing, I don’t know for how long I let it ring.
Whoever it was, he’d chosen the wrong moment to call. But since Matthew gave no sign of coming back, on the third attempt I answered, and on the other side I heard a breathing that I was starting to recognise.
It marked the seconds of my time, influenced the rate of my heartbeats.
«Did you miss me?,» I asked.
Nolan’s relaxed voice scratched me.
«I’m curious as to how you spent my money. I found an interesting receipt. Let’s see if I can guess, clothes?»
I looked at my dress. I couldn’t resist. It was a shade of blue I loved. I’d seen it in a shop window as I was going home.
«They say the Devil wears Prada,» I whispered.
«But he doesn’t drink Clos du Marquis,» replied Nolan.
He’d guessed the brand of the wine I was drinking. Knowing him, that was no coincidence.
I left the glass on my table. Took a look around.
Nolan sensed my sudden silence, I heard him sigh into the phone. «Mr Cosgrove is an interesting person. He’s always so self-assured. But like all federal agents, at times he forgets our society is complicated. The distinction between good and evil is not that clear-cut».
«You know him well...» I murmured, as I learnt that I was having dinner with FBI.
«I don’t like his company, and the same can’t be said about you,» Nolan added in a whisper. «I know you rejected a dinner date with one of the most prominent men in town to meet up with him. Must have been worth it,» he suggested, but he didn’t seem annoyed. It was a simple statement.
I started to play with a breadcrumb, while darting glances around the room, trying to figure out where he was sitting.
«He made me an interesting offer,» I revealed.
«Did you accept?»
«I didn’t have the time,» I confessed. «He left in a hurry».
«I wouldn’t have done them,» guaranteed Nolan, with that voice which would have persuaded me to allow him anything.
«How courteous...» Yet I behaved like I always did, as if I didn’t care at all.
So did he.
«No, I’m not. But I don’t let myself be distracted, I don’t underestimate the people in front of me, and I don’t let anyone catch me unprepared,» he replied.
«Are you trying to persuade me?»
«Cosgrove placed a choice in front of you, I’m only showing you the alternative. Now the decision is yours. Him or me».
Differently from Matthew Cosgrove, Nolan had no filter. I would always have known what to expect with him, but it was a path I didn’t want to take. A tunnel with no escape routes, down which I didn’t want to go. I wasn’t afraid of the dark, but I find the ease with which I let go under his hands terrifying. Nolan would have taken me anywhere he wished, if I’d let him any closer. And I’d decided that would never happen again. I still felt a need to keep him there. I fought the need to see him when I answered.
«You’re not here...»
My voice was a warm sound, falling on the phone like a veil.
«Ask me». His voice was a rough embrace.
I ended the call, my hands shaking, and put the phone back in my purse.
Matthew was just coming back.
«Problems?,» I asked him, hiding a hint of tension behind that way I had of making everything feel weightless.
«No, just an inconvenient,» he explained. He didn’t feel like adding anything.
«It’s always work at S.M.T.,» I replied, but in truth my mind was elsewhere. I was again racing that breadcrumb across the tablecloth. Matthew noticed that something was amiss.
«I forget my manners sometimes, but I never leave things hanging. Where were we?» He tried to pick back up. His smile was reassuring. I didn’t have the time to reply.
«I think Miss Hill was thanking you for the evening». Nolan’s hand fell on my back. His fingers found me, familiar.
Agent Cosgrove stiffened, but he didn’t let himself be taken by surprise. «Mr Carter… I wasn’t expecting to meet you here».
Nolan gave him one of those smiles I had only ever seen on him: a war declaration trapped between two lips hard to describe, almost enthralling.
«I’m sure of that». He was talking to Matthew, but in truth he was taking me away. He helped me get up, pushed me away from the table with apparently casual gestures. «A mistake I am sure you will not make twice. Mr Cosgrove, me and Miss Hill had a date tonight. I have to interrupt you. I hope you won’t mind».
«I mind very much,» he admitted instead.
«Then let me pay for your meal,» Nolan offered.
I went over to the cloakroom, covering myself with the scarf.
Before he followed me, I saw Nolan lift my glass and looking at the wine against the light. «Come on, Cosgrove...» He placed the glass back on the table and put a hand on the backrest of his chair to murmur at him: «A Clos de Marquis? And you expected her to stay?»
I didn’t hear the answer, but by that point it was irrelevant.
Seven
«So you live here?»
He took me to his place.
A sparsely decorated penthouse overlooking the bay.
I took my coat off, walking across a mostly empty living room, lit up by a huge window covering the wall almost entirely and casting a shameless eye upon the sleeping town.
Nolan didn’t turn the light on, the neons from the street were enough to guide us.
It was pleasant, moving in the dark. It kept my attention away from all pointless things.
You can only feel the sound of your own footsteps, reality slowly slipping away in a warmth that felt so distant from the road, drowned in traffic.
«Not bad».
I took my sandals off, walked barefoot and reached the window, enthralled by that fascinating sight.
Nolan got rid of his jacket. «You want something to drink?» He couldn’t resist. «Something better than an 80-dollars-a-bottle wine».
He was talking about Matthew. He had a point.
«What are you offering?» I turned around, follo
wing his hands under lowered eyelids.
«What would you like?» He was opening his liquor cabinet.
«Gin. Tequila...» I came back. «No, I changed my mind». I lifted a bottle, looked at a couple labels. «Baileys,» I decided, at last. I’d never particularly liked wine.
Without any hurry, enjoying every moment, Nolan poured me a shot of liquor.
I placed a finger on the neck of the bottle and gently forced him to keep on going, until the glass was completely full.
He smiled. «Anything else I can do?»
«No ice. Thank you».
I started moving freely around the room again, taking over his space.
Nolan was sipping a cognac, while I walked by the city in my dress, as blue as the depth of the ocean. The fabric was wrapped around my breasts, then fell on my hips without hiding my back, which was naked under the caress of his eyes.
«Won’t you ask me what Matthew Cosgrove wanted?», I ended up asking him.
«If I needed to ask you, you wouldn’t be here tonight».
I swallowed my Baileys to the last drop and went back to him to return the glass.
«Again».
«You want to get drunk?»
Nolan picked the bottle back up and poured me another drink.
«Would you take advantage of me?»
«I’ll do it anyway».
I tried to figure out how serious he was.
He could have had me every time, but he always stopped. Something was giving him pause. He managed to touch me, but he forced himself to not go further.
«When?,» I asked.
«When what?»
«When would you do that?»
I was on my second round of liquor, I finished that in a sip and wiped my mouth dry, running my tongue over my lips.
«So, tell me. When?,» I started insisting. «We’re having dinner first? Playing poker? Or would you rather talk to me, maybe? Tell me what you really want from me. Because you’ve also lied to me so far».
«I never lie, Madison,» Nolan assured me.
«You choose very carefully what you don’t say,» I replied, before facing him. «What do you want from me? Why am I here?»
«You really want to know?» He asked me, wetting his lips with the cognac.
«Yes,» I replied.
«Right now?,» he dared me.
«Yes».
«Come with me».
He moved away, leading me towards that lone bright window, his hand brushing my face. When we reached it, he placed his hands on my hips and pushed me against the glass. «Stay here». He left me with my back to the sea, in front of hi, and went to sit on the armrest of the leather sofa, to look at me.
Standing on the white carpet, I was a silhouette against a background made blurry by the fog. He was looking at me with no apparent purpose. His eyes lingered on the fabric of my dress, on my arms, on my lips, and I felt the cold glass against my back.
«That’s all?» I couldn’t stay still.
Nolan undid his shirt cuffs, slowly.
«Why are you in a rush?» He was curious to figure out what I was really thinking. «Do you feel the need to run away.., or to stay?»
«I’m not scared of you, Nolan,» I challenged him. He didn’t step back.
«Take your clothes off, then,» he commanded.
I should have expected that. I found myself breathless.
«You don’t want to?,» Nolan asked.
I wanted to pull back, by instinct, but there was no room to. I was trapped.
«Not going to happen».
«But it will. You knew when you left that restaurant, you knew it would happen. Because you want me, Madison».
«I don’t even know who you are,» I reminded him.
«And you don’t care».
I hated him for that, but I couldn’t bite back, because he was right. I was likely the only person in town who didn’t care who that man truly was. All the same, I couldn’t let go.
«You think it takes so little to persuade me?» I dropped my scarf, and it slid off my shoulders, inadvertently.
Nolan rubbed at his face, amused by the turn in the conversation. «All right. What must I do to have you?»
«Everything has a price».
«Money?» He seemed surprised.
«If you want, but that’s not enough,» I warned him.
«What else?»
«Are we bargaining?,» I asked.
«I’m not going to lower the price. Ask».
I reached a hand past my hair and undid the knot keeping the top of the dress up.
Nolan’s eyes widened. He didn’t expect that.
I pulled at the strap, placing a hand on my breasts to keep the fabric up. «Tell me what you want,» I offered.
«I told you already». His voice had gone lower.
«Tell me again».
«Take your clothes off».
«You want me to take this off?»
I showed him the strap and pulled it further, but my hand was still keeping the top of the dress up.
Nolan tightened his lips. «That».
«Where do you come from?,» I asked, stating my price.
Nolan closed his eyes, smiled. «I could come to you, I’d only need to touch you and I’d have you anyway...»
«So why don’t you do it?,» I challenged him.
«Because I want you to ask me for it,» he revealed. It seemed terribly important to him.
«Are you planning on answering me?» I asked. Before he could react, I ran a fingertip over my nipple, my tongue over my lips.
Nolan looked at me, his eyes burning me in a way that betrayed a deep excitement, barely contained. His hands were on the armrest, between his legs, he was trying to decide what he was prepared to give me.
I brought my hands back up my necks, raising the strap of the dress back past my hair. As I raised my shoulders the gold pendant around my neck pressed between my breasts, against the silk.
«I’m from here». Nolan gave up, forcing me to uphold the deal. «I lived in a basement, in a suburb some like you would never set foot in. Take your clothes off». It was an order, this time.
But what he’d said made no sense, it was impossible.
«Don’t...» I opened my mouth.
«Take your clothes off,» he ordered again. And he waited, still, in the dark.
How many men I’d been with before him? I had no clue, but more than a few. Yet I couldn’t let him see me naked. I didn’t know why. Maybe shame. Maybe fear. Every moment felt like a wound, when I let go the strap of the dress, when I bared my breasts to him, when I pulled the dress over my head and dropped it to the floor, no longer hiding.
«Go back by the window».
Nolan pointed at the window with his cognac glass. I’d stepped away, I went back where he wanted me, my hands trembling.
«Lower your arms».
I dropped them along my sides.
«Get rid of that underskirt».
He leaned his head to one side, to follow my gestures. I placed a hand on the zipper, behind my back. It was my turn this time.
«How did you get the money to buy out the debt from South Bank?»
«I stole it».
«Ah...» I wanted to laugh.
«Take. Off. That. Fucking. Skirt».
I didn’t laugh. No. I closed my mouth again and complied.
The underskirt ended up on the floor. I was still against that glass. And the city behind it.
Nolan stood, undid his shirt as he drew closer.
For the first time I saw his body. I wish I never did.
I’d never met a man like him, and probably never would again. Nolan had grown up in the street, and had adapted to it. His muscles were those of a fighter, he had the harshness of a criminal, a gang tattoo on his side.
I should have been shocked, at that point, that the businessman clothes hid something so different from a successful entrepreneur. What paralysed me, instead, was the strength emanating from the simple sight of h
is chest and his undone shirt.
Then he took it off and placed his hand on the glass next to my face, staring at me like his eyes were blades.
«Take it off».
He ran a finger on the edge of my panties. I placed my fingers under the waistband. It was my turn again.
«Why did you come looking for me?,» I murmured.
«Why do you keep asking the same question?,» he whispered back, looking for the clasp that held my hair up. Sometimes memories are just moments. The silent roar of a lion drawing close to his prey, my hairdo coming undone under his fingers.
«Because you keep not answering it».
Nolan grabbed my wrists, pushed my hands against my thighs to force me to lower the panties. Then he bent over to my mouth and kissed me, chasing my tongue with his, holding back between his teeth a possessive curse.
I found myself completely naked in his arms, pushed against a window lit up by the evening.
And I was lost.
I don’t know when it started raining. The raindrops started hitting the glass like the ticking of a suspended time. As the skyscrapers were once again wrapped in the damp, I let go in those arms that smelled like soap, cognac, and dark nights, without asking myself what would happen the following day.
Until, my mind reeling, lightning shining across my bare back, I felt his fingers.
He placed a hand between my thighs and pushed his fingers inside me, sucking on my tongue.
It was over.
«Nolan...»
If I let him continue, there would be no going back.
«No».
He shut my mouth with his finger, looking me straight in the eye. Still staring at me, he undid the zipper of his trousers and guided his cock inside me. I could have said it a nicer way, right? But he didn’t say “I love you”, we didn’t make love. Nolan pushed me against the glass and fucked me like someone who’s only now starting to breathe again after having been long underwater. Pushing me against that window, stopping when I needed him to go on, starting to fuck me again when I wanted him to slow down.
We ended up on the floor like that. On our knees, still tied to each other.
Nolan held onto my hips and pushed inside me, following the rhythm of my breath. I let that subtle, perverse pleasure lead me, erase me, lead me towards a version of myself I didn’t know, a wild creature that slept in the day, and came alive under his fingers.
