by Lex Martin
Fuck.
God, she’s right. Why would she trust me?
Her hands twist in her lap. “Samantha told me you went to her place on Sunday night after the pharmacy. She was telling the truth, wasn’t she?”
One look at my face, and hers falls. But she has to know that Samantha made it sound salacious. “I went for Zach. She told me he was sick. I never touched her, Jo.”
“I figured. Eventually, I mean. I just… How could you do that, be there for her, and then not tell me? Spend time with her and then crawl into bed with me and not mention it. That’s what I can’t resolve.”
Isaiah was right. Joey needed to hear this from me.
“Baby, I almost did so many times. Remember when I said there was some stuff I wanted to talk to you about? That day even. The morning we fucked like animals.”
She blushes. “I remember. Yes, you mentioned that right after you got texts from her and allowed me to think Sam was a guy.”
Fuck me. This is not going how I intended. “Babe, come on. I was going to tell you. I swear to God. Ask Isaiah. We—”
Her brows furrow. “You told Isaiah about Samantha? You wouldn’t tell me, but you told Isaiah?”
Shit.
I close my eyes, hating that I didn’t have the good sense to confide in her. I could have warned her not to text me about it. Told her I was worried about someone finding out and concerned that Silas might hack her phone again. Why didn’t I trust her?
“It’s not like that. I got really drunk one night. I was so fucked up about my dad and about Zach, and worrying over how I’d tell my mom. And he happened to swing by. He found me completely shit-faced and prodded it out of me.” I sigh and rub the back of my neck. “That’s who I was talking to last winter. That conversation you overheard at the River Walk, the one that made you think I was calling you a burden. I was complaining to Isaiah about Samantha.”
She huffs out a breath. “Jesus, Logan. Don’t you think you could’ve told me that at the coast? Why wouldn’t you just tell me then?”
“You’re right. You’re totally right.”
An uncomfortable silence draws out between us until she finally says, “This isn’t why I came here.” She rubs her stitches along her hairline. “I didn’t intend to get into all of this again. I know, at least in my head, that you did all of this for Bev. That you were protecting her confidence, which I respect. I’m just… I understand it in my mind, but my heart doesn’t want to catch up. Does that make sense? And on top of everything else, the only emotion I’m feeling these days is anger or this weird detachment. I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t have to.” I take her hand, relieved as hell that she lets me. “You’ve been through a lot.”
“Kat suggested I see a therapist.” She hesitates. “Kat and my cousin have been talking and trying to find me someone. In Florida.”
My heart sinks like a stone. “You’re going back to Florida?”
“Don’t you think that’s for the best? After the wedding, I’ll go back, and you can figure out what you want now that you’re not dealing with so much.”
A fierce wall of frustration and love wells up in me. “I know what I want, Josephine. I don’t need time to figure it out.” The conviction in my voice must catch her off guard because her eyes widen. I don’t tone down my intensity because I don’t want her to think I’m confused. “I love you. You’re fucking wrecking me right now. I know I’ve been an ass, and I would like the opportunity to make it up to you, to prove that you can trust me, before you decide to run away again.”
Her nostrils flare, and she yanks her hand out of mine. “I’m not running away. I’m sitting here discussing it with you.”
“But the end result is the same.” I know I’m being a dick, but if I lose her because of this, I’ll regret it forever. And for some reason, I feel the need to challenge her, even if it pisses her off.
She’s not the fragile, delicate Joey I’ve always made her out to be. She took a damn beating last week, came back like a champ, and now there’s steel behind her gray eyes. “Fucking fight for this, Jo. Don’t give up on me. On us. I know I screwed up badly, but I swear I’ll do right by you. Stay here, and challenge me like you always do. Let’s make a life together.”
She stills. “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“Why do you think I don’t mean them?”
“You feel guilty because I got injured. Don’t confuse that for something deeper.”
“You want deeper? I would’ve taken that bullet right fucking here for you.” I pound my chest. “When I thought you were dying, Jo, when I found you pale and covered in blood and not moving? I was so fucking scared. I knew right then and there I’d do anything to have you back, no matter the cost. So you need more time? Fine. You want me to prove myself to you? No problem. But don’t think for a minute I’m letting you go.” A frustrated breath leaves me. “Do what you got to do. If that means returning to Florida, fine, but know I’m gonna be right behind you.”
Her eyes soften. “You’re nuts.”
“Damn straight. I’m fucking crazy about you, Josephine Marie Grayson.”
Her lips pull up slightly in the faintest of smiles, but then that somberness returns to her expression. “And Zach? Are you dragging him to Florida too?”
I shove my hand into my hair. “You never told me what you thought about him moving in with me.” I called and left a message after I’d discussed it with Ethan. I didn’t want Joey thinking I left her out of the loop again. “I haven’t talked to the kid yet, ’cause if you’re really opposed to him living with me permanently, well…” Anxiety riddles up my spine at the thought she’ll hate this idea.
“Of course he should stay with you. He knows you better than anyone else, right?”
I nod, the relief swift. And just that little bit of understanding from her fills me with hope, hope that we can connect again. Hope that I can get her to trust me once more. Leaning closer, I cup her face and draw her to me so I can kiss her forehead.
“Give me a chance. Just one.”
That’s all I’ll need.
47
Logan
Ethan’s quiet as we finish up in the barn for the day. For once in our lives, he hasn’t been giving me shit this week.
It’s unsettling.
I wouldn’t say he’s giving me the silent treatment. He seems preoccupied. Given that his wedding, the one day he’d been looking forward to for months, got postponed, I’m not surprised his easy smiles have disappeared.
“Bro. Wanna get out of here and maybe grab a beer?” I wipe my hands on an old towel. “My treat.”
“Not really in the mood, but thanks.” He cleans the tack methodically, the way our father taught us.
A horse snorts in his stall, and I debate how to bring this up, but Ethan beats me to the punch.
“What’s on your mind? You’re obviously thinking big thoughts over there. Problems with Joey? Is she still considering going back to Florida?”
I nod and tell him about the conversation I had with her this morning.
“So what are you gonna do?” he asks when I’m done.
“Not really sure. I was planning to write her notes.”
His eyebrow lifts. “Notes?”
“Yeah.” I shrug, uncomfortable, but I’d like to get his thoughts. He and Tori went through a rough time after they first got together but managed to work things out. And Ethan’s always been a serial monogamist with serious girlfriends. If anyone can help me maneuver these relationship waters, it’s him. “I wanted to remind her of the good times we’ve had growing up. Things I remember about her that maybe she doesn’t realize. Let her know I’m in this for the long haul.”
My brother smiles. “Gotta say that’s pretty sweet. Bet she’ll love it.”
“Can I ask you something?” This question has been on my mind since last week when I pounced on Jo like an animal. My brother is really the only person I can ask. And if it gets him talkin
g to me again, even better. “Hell, this is awkward.” I wipe my palms on my jeans. “You know I’ve never been in a long-term relationship, and I have questions. Is it… wrong to be… adventurous in bed with someone you’re serious about?”
“Adventurous?”
“Yeah. You know. Rough.” Images of the bite marks I’d left on Joey’s body flash before my eyes. Bite marks she didn’t seem to mind, but still. “Maybe a little debauched. I just—” Rubbing the back of my neck, I clear my throat. “I sometimes feel bad if I do things with Jo. Since….” Add this to the kind of conversation I never wanna have again. Fortunately, my brother finishes my sentence.
“Since she doesn’t have a lot of experience.”
Nodding, I lean against the stall. “Not that we’re doing anything right now. I’m lucky if she lets me hug her, but I need to figure this out in my head.”
Ethan looks down at the ground a moment before he turns his eyes toward me. “I can see why you’d be concerned. But as long as y’all are communicating, and she enjoys what you’re doing, then you should be good to go. What you do and how you do it is one hundred percent up to the two of you. No one gets to judge that.”
I let out a sigh of relief and wipe my palms again. “FYI, it feels super weird to be asking you for sex advice at my age.”
He laughs, and it lights up his whole face. “Happy to be of assistance to you, little brother.” He smacks me on the back. “Joey’s a great girl, and I know I might’ve given you shit at the coast, but I can see you’re serious about her. Just wanted you to know I’m pulling for you.”
That chokes me up just a bit. I cough. “It means a lot to me that you’d think that.” I take a big breath, needing to get this off my chest. Been doing a lot of that lately. Figure it’s better than keeping this bad stuff inside. “I never told anyone this, but Dad and I argued that day. About Jo.”
Ethan stares at me. “The day he died?”
“Yeah. I was running late because Jo and I were hanging out, and he busted my balls.”
My brother gives me a small smile. “Sounds about right.”
“Except he wasn’t just pissed I was late. He didn’t want me hanging out with Joey so much.”
“’Cause he was pissed at Bill?”
I shake my head. “No, because he thought Joey was too young for me to get any ideas, and I had ‘too many oats to sow.’”
“She was, what, a freshman when you were a senior?” When I don’t say anything, he motions to me. “Was he right? Could you have been serious about her then?”
“I knew she was young and we probably needed to wait a year or two before we dated, but I thought maybe I could. Wait for her, that is.”
“No shit.”
“He told me I’d just break her heart. That I was a fool to think like that. He said I’d only be young once, and not only was I not the kind of guy for one girl, he said I’d probably regret it if I tried.”
My brother grits his teeth. “Well, damn. That’s a fucked-up thing to say. Especially in light of the fact that he was a cheating bastard himself.”
I kick at a twig on the ground. “After that, I couldn’t bring myself to pursue her. Kept hearing that conversation. Kept thinking I wasn’t any good for her.”
“That’s some straight-up bullshit. I know you’ve got a lot going on in your head right now, and I may have questioned you before when I didn’t have the whole story, but if this has proven anything, it’s that you’re as loyal as they come. Hell, loyalty is what got you into this mess with Samantha in the first place, ’cause you were protecting the family. Who knows how the news might’ve affected Mom that summer?”
We stand there, mulling over everything, when he sighs again. “I haven’t meant to be surly toward you this week. I realize you’ve been doing your best. I plan to repay you for my half of the child support you gave Samantha. Tori and I talked about it and agreed it’s the right thing to do.”
I wave him off, not wanting to talk about money right now. I have every confidence we’ll work out those details later. “I’m real sorry you and Tori had to postpone the wedding. Been meaning to ask how much extra that’s gonna cost. I can help with that.”
“My girl isn’t going anywhere. And you know how persuasive she can be. We might’ve lost the hotel, but everyone else accommodated the date change. It’ll work out. Besides, we can’t get married without Joey. Waiting was the right thing to do.”
We’re quiet for a long time before I nudge him with my elbow. “Sorry I never told you about that conversation with Dad. Felt weird telling everyone I’d argued with him before he died. Had a lot of fucking guilt over it. Like maybe I pissed him off so bad, it pushed him over the edge.”
“You didn’t push him or punch him, right?”
“Fuck, no. Just yelled a bit before I stomped off.”
“That’s what I thought.” He grabs my shoulder and turns me so that we’re eye to eye. “You got to stop blaming yourself for everything. Maybe Dad’s heart condition was worse because he was busy lying to everyone. That’s on him. Not you. And you’ve been looking after his kid for the last two years.”
I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear that until now. But I’m not the one who was close to our father. “How are you doing with that? With Dad having another son?”
Ethan sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “Still pretty pissed off, to be honest. It helps that Zach’s a great kid, though. Looks like ranching is in his blood. Did you see the way he ran around here today?”
I smile, loving that Zach is getting comfortable around the horses. “He’s an easygoing kid at home too. Didn’t realize Samantha was leaving him by himself so much, though. Wish I’d known.”
“You did your best. We’ll make it up to him.”
“I was thinking about finding him a counselor. Someone to talk to.” Since Joey mentioned she wanted to talk to a therapist, it’s been on my mind to find someone for Zach too.
“Sounds like a good idea.” He frowns. “You sure Mom’s doing better? You said she has a procedure scheduled while Tori and I are gone, right?”
“I got it covered. It’s minor, I promise. And when she’s done, she’s kicking back with her friends in San Antonio for a few days of R and R. She’ll be good and refreshed when you get back from your honeymoon.”
“I appreciate you keeping an eye on her the last two years. I hate that you had to fly solo, but you were right—I was stressed as fuck when Allison and I were getting divorced. I’m relieved that whole phase is over.”
“When we hired Tori to nanny for you, I wasn’t lying. I was worried about your health too.” I shove my hands in my pockets. “You know, in case I haven’t told you, you’re a great brother. When I was staring down the barrel of Samantha’s gun, I was worried I’d never told you that before.”
“That’s fucked up, bro.” He smacks me on the back. “But I am a good brother, aren’t I?”
I chuckle. “Damn straight. The best.”
48
Joey
Standing on Kat’s front porch, Beverly gives me a careful smile, the one everyone has been sending my way since I got released from the hospital.
“I know I’ll see you tonight, but I wanted to make sure you had your notes first.” She places the small bundle in my hands.
It’s kinda crazy she’s worried about me. She’s the one whose husband of nearly three decades cheated, and she’s concerned about my well-being.
Now that my brain doesn’t hurt constantly, I’m starting to get some perspective. Like the fact that Samantha waved a freaking gun in Logan’s face.
What if he’d died? If something had happened to Logan, I’d be devastated, plain and simple.
Or what if Silas had died before we’d had a chance to make amends?
What if Logan had been too late, and I’d croaked in that closet?
The words from that sweet lady I took the bus with from Florida come back to me. Life is too short not to say what you mean and l
ive the life you want.
She’s not kidding.
With the notes in one hand, I give Bev a hug with the other. “You’re the best. In case I haven’t told you, I really appreciate you coming over every day to drop off these messages.”
“Logan wants to give you the space you need, but I know how much he cares about you.” When I let her go, she shakes her head. “I feel terrible that I asked my son to keep my health situation a secret. I’m sure that’s what led him to think he couldn’t talk about this to anyone. I hope everything will be okay tonight?”
Tonight meaning the wedding. “I’ve needed time. I… I guess my feelings were really hurt, but—”
“You don’t need to explain anything to me.” She pats my hand. “Just don’t give up on my son. He’s a knucklehead, but that boy loves with a big heart and is loyal as the day is long. Look at the hullabaloo he went through for me. Now that’s the kind of man you want by your side.” With a wink, she trots off down the front steps before I can respond.
Back in my room, I line up Logan’s cards on the dresser.
Even though I don’t feel quite like myself yet, even though some part of me is still upended by what happened with Samantha, I can’t deny a glimmer of hope flickers in me when I read Logan’s slanted handwriting scrawled across the pages.
Sometimes, you’re the only person who can make me smile.
When you were in high school you were quiet around so many people, but you always talked to me. I loved that. You’ve always been special to me, Jojo.
Do you remember when you were seven and found that bird with the injured wing? Everyone told you it was going to die, but you refused to listen. You nursed it and cared for it until it could fly again. That’s what you do for your friends and family. You love us until we can fly again.
A lump in my throat forms every time I read those words.
A lump that forms into a boulder when I unfold the letter Logan sent me yesterday.
