by Laikyn Meng
“You think he is beautiful?”
“Not the point.”
“Isn’t that why you are telling me? Because the point is you find you are attracted to this man. What’s his name?”
“First of all, I am not attracted to. I am intrigued, curious is a better word. The second thing is, I am almost certain there is a clause about dating the students you are teaching.”
“You could ask.”
“What is wrong with you, Lea? Ask a wounded veteran out? I’m not super psychotic. Just a little.”
“Be careful with men like him. They get lost on their way back home.” Her voice seems to drift, and she stares at the very wall I have staked my claim to.
“Listen, is that good enough for today? May you write down notes telling the superior authorities that I am stable enough to go home now.”
“On one condition.”
“Name it.”
“His name.”
“Asher, Asher T. Rainer”
“See you next week, Luna.” Her smile is always victorious like she won the gold medals I pretended to participate in.
Chapter 4
ASHER
“Asher Rainer.” The nurse calls my name, yet I resist the urge to beckon to her rollcall.
“Here.” She peers over to my voice, takes a once over, and her smile widens. I roll my eyes. Women. The superior race, my ass. You want something, maybe try to keep your motives secret.
“This way, if you’ll just follow me, please.” Her persuasion sounds southern, but the act doesn’t work on me.
“My name is Lucie, with an IE. You been stationed here long? Moved out here about four years ago with some friends. Best choice I ever made.” Without fail, she continues on with her life story. I turn off the hearing aid in my one right ear.
And I escape into the silence.
I sit down in the chair as she takes my blood pressure and whatever tests they believe will help to improve statistics.
When I allow my eyes to close, I’m not met with darkness, of sounds that only can be connected to death stealing the souls of honorable men. No, the images I see are of something alluring. Mysterious like the night sun. A color of confusion in her hair, in waves that roam around her shoulders. She hesitates to smile, like a ploy or a trick. I anticipate her reasons—myself knowing what the betrayal of men has done to us.
She is quiet.
I wish only to sit next to her and be absorbed in the silence she equally has existed.
Plain. It’s an easy word to describe Luna, placing her at a medium grade of anything. If anything, I felt connected to the stupid brokenness inside both of us.
There isn’t a need to bring up old bodies. My ex got pregnant by my cousin after I went to boot camp. I thought I loved her, would never like anyone ever again.
But now I think I see a different side, that maybe what I thought I wanted and what I had were not mirror images—a smokescreen for the faint of heart.
I feel a nudge on my shoulder, and a storm of anger builds. Any swear word I can think of is thrown out, because I can’t hear so I can’t be held accountable.
Right?
Blink and I come face to face with my guardian angel.
“Luna.”
Her smile is small, with a hint of mischievous.
She signs, telling me to stop messing with the nurses. Or I’ll break their hearts, or at the very least they’ll go buy a new pair of underwear.
Too late sweetheart, been through most of the physical therapy department last spring.
“He’s deaf?” Lucie, with an I-fucking-E, looks at me in almost disgust. Snooty ass fake designer name tag bitch thinks she gets the top pick. I remember the days when the pretty blondes would bow on their knees to make the impression of boredom leave my face.
Who am I kidding, give me ten minutes and I could still get her on knees. Maybe I could even bend her over and make this visit more memorable.
Shaking my head with a laugh as I flick on hearing, the rumble of the room continues.
“Don’t.” Luna’s eyes are on Lucie. But the snap of her fingers is for me. She doesn’t sweep eyes up and down all over my tall figure, and it’s frustrating. Luna doesn’t give any more attention to me, and I try to refuse the tangle I feel being close to her. Yet again, I’m convincing myself that I am not staring at the supple cleavage that she isn’t trying to show off.
“Wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole. Heard she been around a few guys on the base. Her scoring was a 6. I only take 8’s or above, come on have some good southern faith in me, sweet Luna. Have you no faith in my standards? If I had any feel goods, you sure would have bruised them thoroughly.” With a cock of my head, I flutter my eyes at my companion for the next couple of hours.
“You can hear?” Dumbfounded Lucie, stares at us. Oblivious of the blatant insult I placed on her. Oblivious to the fact we passed that base of talking and rounded home. Poor thing, can’t catch a break.
“You driving or we riding?” The technical piece in the plan. As I refuse to be responsible for a vehicle, so I rely on the pity of others.
“What do you think?” She signs more than I feel comfortable with comprehending. When she talks with her hands, I feel like the insecure guy I know for a fact all the women in this office see me.
“Got my helmet?” Hands me a black one. “I truly do love riding bitch on the back of your bike. But one day, do you think you could give me the courtesy of looking like a dignified man and maybe let me have a shotgun?” Puppy dog eyes and praying symbols initiated.
“So, he isn’t deaf?” Good hell, this woman never shuts up like a robot that is on low batteries repeating the same phrase over and over again. I turn to make the none sense stop. But my sidekick steps in, and Luna places a hand over my chest. We both stare down at where she is touching. Shocks ripple through my body, and as our eyes meet, I can see she realizes the intensity. A level of arousal I haven’t cared to tame.
Luna isn’t nervous about, more amazed with the power. She pulls away slowly and stares at her hand. Not nearly terrified as my own heartbeats so damn bad, I feel like I’m in another type of combat zone. One called love for you sap’s out there. But that is a field I don’t sign up for or jump in, cause I don’t gotta if I don’t wanna.
“Lucie, sweetie, probably a good idea to stop sleeping with your patients. They have ears, and if they can’t hear out of them, most of them can read lips.”
“I wasn’t going to sleep with him.” We all nod, she would have, she regularly does.
“No, you weren’t. Asher doesn’t enjoy intimacy, he gets off by supremacy plays.” Her deep dark blue eyes stare into mine, some part of me wants to back down. Be the first to look away from the challenge. There is a test I respond, she returns my glare with a curious one. Actions don’t make me consider there is a line we are crossing where I can’t repent. It might be safe to step outside the realm of safety if I get a chance with Luna Lovett.
“Meaning?” Lucie, go find a vibrator and shove it.
“Knees. That’s the only place you would be anywhere with Asher. Come on, Asher, we’ve got a lesson until 2.” Damn, does my new friend know me too well? I could just smother her with a big old teddy bear hug.
“See you around!” Flapping her hand around, Lucie tries to get one more attempted appeal.
“No, you won’t, sweetheart.” Before placing the helmet on my head, I say it out my mouth sideways. Luna checks her eyes over at me, and I give back a look with hit the roof eyebrows.
Chapter 5
LUNA
It wasn’t hard to allow the thought to come. Give it permission to overtake and alienate the function in my psyche.
Be mature, it taunted me. I was on the edge of finding myself with the one thing I wanted most in life.
Be responsible, it scolded me down to the very cavity of my chest.
Coming so far from the realm of punishment and reckoning. The drive is short to my destination. Flip the keys to th
e off position, and I heave a sigh as I lean back in my seat.
The session today with Asher went well, but I couldn’t stop the come fuck me vibes.
“No, no, no. This can’t be happening, I’m no good.” Fingers try and rip out my hair, so plain, Charlie Brown would have something to be depressed about.
The reading of the will stated I was given custody back of my daughter. Olallie was near 9 now, and specific clauses said that it was only me. My sister’s lives would not be disrupted by the issue I long since avoided.
Avoided?
They stole her from me. Remembering the sigh of relief when the first set of hearing tests showed no response. It was a swift exhale, and I frowned. An expression that had become an iconic look for me.
As the next tests proved similar results, knowing something else was taken from me.
Mom. My thumb brought up to my chin, calling out to hear. Please, rubbing my chest so slowly, she would see the action. Let me hold my daughter.
In less than a month, I would turn 15. The last stages of pregnancy made me cautious, careful. Losing the ounces of rebellion I had become religious too.
My father cradled the daughter that was hours old and began to sway her back and forth. Tender and sweet were not words I would use to describe my father, but right now, that is the only feeling I witnessed.
With a snap of fingers, my mother began to lay the groundwork to destroying me further.
You are a child; children do not raise babies; mothers do. I should have been adjusted to her pointing and negative tone as she disapproved of my actions.
I recoil, once again. Watching the lashing, she gives out, as my daughter sleeps so quietly in a man’s arms, I never myself found comfort.
But those facts she was shoving in my eyes, they might as well have been stab wounds. It was the first time I felt like dying would be better than living this life with them.
When I look over at my newborn, I see her blonde curls fill out the top of the pink blanket. Lennox’s side of her genetics already shining through. A beat of breath makes me glad, hoping she won’t gain any weaknesses of mine.
PLEASE, once again, I slap a flat palm to my chest, rubbing it in circles. All mom did was roll her eyes and fill out paperwork, my paperwork.
My father not looking once over to me, his attention so consumed with pride. With a daughter so perfect like his first three. Everything I wasn’t for them.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. Both fists clench now, and tears fall from my eyes. The shudder in my chest makes me ache to carry Olallie safely in my womb again. Just so we both could be safe and together.
It’s only when she starts to fuss and wail that I know it’s me she needs.
“Oh, does someone want her mommy?” The nurse held my hand while my parents stood in the corner, waiting out the pain of giving birth.
She takes my baby from my father, and they don’t argue as she lays Olallie on my chest. Cozying her head next to my boobs and they start to leak.
“What’s happening?” Worried I might have broken my body.
“Oh, nice timing. See your baby knows, just set your nipple next to her mouth and let the colostrum seep into her mouth.” She adjusts my angel, and the latch is seamless. The baby knows what to do as the instinct comes over her.
I am amazed at her ability to thrive.
“There you go, nature works itself out.” She nods and busies herself to another task.
My mother steps next to the bed, and the look on her face lets me know she does not approve of the bonding between mother and daughter.
I think fast before I am stripped bare of the one thing I believe I’ve done right in this world.
“Do you have a pen?” The nurse turns and puts a hand out as I grab it. I write Olallie on my side so she can see the spelling.
“Do you want a middle name?” The nurse gets the sheet for her birth certificate.
“Luna. Olallie Luna Lovett-Krauss.”
“Exceptional, I will file this in the computer, so it is set in stone.” She gives me a wink, giving me that last gift she can.
My mom’s eyes pinch in confusion, as she asks me what I said to the nurse.
I spell it out and tell her I named the baby.
This again brings the fury back to her eyes. Again the pointing, again, the dismantling of my confidence.
You are no longer in charge of anything concerning this baby. She is not yours anymore, Luna.
Let it go, it’s the lake in Oregon we told them stories about. My father takes a turn ceasing the fire.
A squeeze of her shoulder and she backed down from her attack. It was in those small seconds that my father loved being a dad. I witnessed it with my older sisters. When I was young before I broke the silence and fond a voice.
Let her have this, she has given you a second chance. When my father holds his hands together, for prayer. I think I’ve lost the battle to be anything.
And there hours after Olallie is born into this cruel world, one I can’t seem to shake the feeling I don’t belong to anymore.
~
When I swung the bar door open, the noise hits my ears, and I find my solitude. Crowds of people move here and there. One gigantic booth is available, I scurry to it before anyone else can claim it.
A waiter comes over and eyes the empty space.
“Waiting for the rest of the party?”
“What? They’re right here.” I wave my arm across the table. “My best friend Lloyd, Aunt June in the corner, and her husband, Tom.” He might think I’m joking, but he just shakes his head and rolls those dull eyes.
“Would you all like waters to start?”
“5 beers, one for each of us.”
“There’s only four of you.”
“Obviously, I need two. Keep up, buddy.”
“Crazy.” He mutters under his breath, and I know the insult makes me feel calm. Hearing it so many times it’s a blessing, not a curse to be claimed as such.
Weeding out the weak, the timid who are too focused on themselves to care about what matters.
The beers come and I down one and then another. Each swig making the truth less challenging to handle.
A loud clatter happens near the stage, and I follow the liquid as it spills across the floor. A pool of liquor stops at a pair of familiar boots.
I trail up to his face, and he stares down at the same puddle. A soldier wounded by memories. Asher’s look was elegant, where I woke incredibly disheveled. He was a healthy, flexing attitude instead of attraction.
He was quiet, not silent. It wasn’t fate or fairytales that brought us together. We both were fucked up, we both were vying for a cause that captured our purpose. But caused us more pain than gifting us courage.
He was the first to make a move. I would say it was because I gave him flirty eyes that sucked his manhood into my hand. But I stared at him, challenged him. Cocked my bored eyebrow, because he was intruding on a conversation I was having happily with my hands.
That is the thing you have to get used to about Asher he comes in like thunder shaking the force coming off a storm. But like thunder, you always hear the warning before the damage. Maybe I should have listened closer to the alert.
Strutting towards me, his arms full, his shoulders back in perfect posture.
“Can I help you?”
“Luna, don’t think it’s appropriate to be following me to bars at night. What would headquarters say?”
“Asher, I almost didn’t recognize you without your glare. How charming you think I seek your approval. Please, sit down, make yourself at home. I am merely working through a perfect crisis.”
“A beautiful one?”
“Aren’t they all alluring to us?”
Our stare off doesn’t make the noise around us fall away if anything it magnifies.
“What can I get you, sweet cheeks?” The curvy bartender with a nose ring clacks her tongue at us.
“Nothing for me drink wise, except water, I would like
some BBQ wings and a side of ranch.”
“As you can see, I have enough drinks to keep me busy.” The waitress flips her hair, and I struggle to smile, knowing she came over to interrupt and stake claim.
“Very mature of you, is it the southern charm or are you celebrating?”
“Drowning my miseries.”
“Also, another great expression of rejoicing.” Holds a wink in my direction, and I flashback an eye roll in his.
“Can I ask how long the moping scene is going to take? I have plans later, so I was kind of hoping we could skip the flirting, and you could take me home.”
“For what?”
“Well, my brother Den is out of town, and I’m scared of the dark…do not like being alone.” The pouty lip comes out to play.
“And, somewhere in that confession is an explanation for wanting to fuck me?” I don’t even hesitate to take direct hits.
“Gish, I’m glad you said it, beating around the bush for so long gets tiresome.” Slapping his chest, his dramatics becoming more entertaining.
“Tell me, Asher. Will you be the only one getting off, or will we be exchanging pleasantries?”
There’s a choke in his throat, must not be used to such forward thoughts by a woman.
“Luna, I guarantee we go a few rounds, and then in the early hours, I’ll give you a good morning delight.” He is literally salivating at the opportunity.
I lean back, searching for the reasons why I shouldn’t commence in sexual activities. My job could be on the line, my counselor might take it as a sign in backward progress.
There I am selfish again, what if they found out and took away the opportunity to be Olallie’s mother. He doesn’t see the backlog of excuses or reasons.
I haven’t been touched in so long that I forgot how a hug feels. The feeling of holding hands is even more nerve-wracking.
One night, I give myself to slip back into a rebel, and tomorrow I will smile like I was never crushed by my own humanity.
When I look over at him, and I feel the familiar ping of remorse, the lost confidence in self. And I want nothing more to dwell in the sheets with someone who has burned their world down, leaving it to crumbs.
