by K R Leikvoll
For some reason all I could think of was my final day on Earth. I had the strength to throw myself off a cliff back then. Why did the thought of an actual honorable death terrify me so much? It was obvious. I didn't want to die anymore. I wanted to live, I really did. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to live on Earth or Praetis, but I wanted to live. I wanted to live in peace. I wanted to live... with Kirin… in peace.
I was humiliated by how much I was starting to care about him. I had only known him over half a year, yet it was getting hard to picture myself not in his company. He was filling that void James left in my soul, and then some. He may not have been as nice or as funny as James, but he cared about me—a lot more than other people back home that had known me my entire life. Plus, I had never really had a boyfriend. Was that what he was? Maybe? Those things typically need some kind of mutual agreement, right?
Checkmarks of a boyfriend: physical contact, check. No desire to see other people, check for me. He seemed like he didn't have that desire with other people besides his dead wife, and she wasn't really a threat to me, so check for him, too? Next. Love? Maybe. I didn't have an answer for myself, but I didn't think he loved me, either. Probably cared about, just not love. I didn't blame him. It was probably hard to love the daughter of Lucifer, I was willing to bet. Based on my assessment, I guess he wasn't my boyfriend. The thought made me cry some more. Not because I was upset about that, but because the very idea was so absurd. He was leagues above me. I was a white-haired reflection of my mother's rapist. Short, whiny, and alien. Not sure why he showed interest in me unless it was just the bond. I still wasn't fully educated on it.
I cried myself out until I couldn't cry anymore as I thought about everything in my mind. Death, Kirin, Void Lords, James... confusion. It felt like I was out of control of my own destiny. Something about seeing my fate written on paper begged my brain to defy it. If I had a button that would have sent me back to Earth, I don't think I would've hesitated to press it. I'm not sure what I would've done when I got back, but it would be anything other than dying.
I used the mirror to help wipe off the tears and muck on my face with my handkerchief. There was a light night gown (obviously white) on the top of the pile of clothes in the trunk that looked inviting. After I pulled it on, I discovered a soft silver brush underneath it. As my hair got longer and I had less access to brushes, I found it incredibly soothing, like it was some small piece of Earth I had with me still. I hummed one of my favorite Nirvana songs while I ran it through my hair and tried to tell myself everything was going to be okay. It took a lot of effort to not break down again. When my hair was finally smoothed and tamed, I looked a bit better despite the fact that I had been sobbing for at least an hour.
I closed my eyes and buried myself as deep as I could under the blankets. Maybe if I tapped my heels together three times I would wake up someplace where I didn't have to become everyone's silver messiah. I waited for sleep to take me, despite the buzz from Kirin's blood.
As I was being swept into its sweet embrace, a knock on the marble doors jolted me awake. The candles in the room had all burned out except a few in the main sitting area. How long had I been laying there?
Utterly exhausted, I glanced at all the furniture I had piled up against the door. It seemed like way too much of a bother to deal with at that moment; maybe in the morning. They could come back later. The knocking continued to my annoyance. I pulled the pillow over my head to drown out the noise, but it wouldn't stop. I could see the pulse of the person through the pillow and the door. There was a black shadow near the heart. Goddamn it... I crawled out of bed.
Kirin didn't wait. He nearly busted in the door with the force of his shove. It sent the cushions flying and shattered the glass table. Fragments flew in all directions cutting my feet. It didn't hurt near as bad as the ring healing them for me.
"Ouch," I winced over the hiss. Kirin rushed in for a few steps before realizing that I was fine.
"Thought something might've happened. I'm sorry," he mumbled, noticing the mess around us.
"No, I just wanted to be alone," I replied, rubbing the sleep from my face. When I could see properly, I noticed that he was eyeing me up and down. The sheer white of the nightgown was probably more revealing than intended. I couldn't be bothered to care. Let him stare, I was going to die anyway.
"You've been crying," he whispered with a new, concerned look.
"No shit, Sherlock," I grumbled. I made my way around Kirin and the glass mess to shut the marble door. He did his best to sweep it out of the way with his feet, but the shards were embedded into the fur carpet. As I walked past him, he picked me up around the waist and dropped me several feet away, safe from harm. He let me go, but I held on.
"And you're drunk," he said matter-of-factly. Right again.
I buried my face into his chest. "Am I really going to die?" I asked, my voice cracking. If I could've cried, I would have started again. I didn't want to let go. He was grounding me and keeping me from flying away.
"It says you will kill all of the Void Lords. You have time. Besides, we don’t know how those words should be interpreted.” He ran both of his hands through my hair in an attempt to soothe me. It didn’t work remotely.
"But I'm still going to die," I whispered. I let go and crawled back into bed. As silly as it sounds, everything started to feel unreal. I was going to kill four demon lords? Me? Valentine Ash, this scrawny, non-talented girl from Earth?
Kirin sat down on the edge of the bed beside me and took one of my hands.
"Sometimes... things like this happen. You have to make sacrifices for things to get better. James sacrificed himself for you so you could live beyond infancy. Alexandra sacrificed herself so you would not suffer with Lazarus. Like them, you must come to see that it's worth it to save people you care about," he said, tracing the scars on my skin.
"I don't want to die," I mumbled truthfully.
He stroked my cheek with his thumb. "Nobody wants to, but I promise to stay by your side until the end." His eyes showed that he was being serious. Maybe he did actually care.
I gently tugged on him until he moved a little closer. My lips met his and, to my relief, he responded by kissing me back. It'd been so long since we were alone together, it was calming and nice. I wrapped my arms around his neck to pull him closer, but he moved away. His eyes flickered toward the door, as if he was worried about being disturbed. I took that as consent and went to him instead. I kissed him over and over, expecting him to stop at some point, but he didn't.
He ran his hand through my hair, down my shoulders and pulled me into an embrace. "Everything will be okay," he whispered, still trying to comfort me.
I ran my lips from the curve of his shoulder all the way to his ear.
His grip on me tightened when I nipped him and moved my hand under his shirt. "Val…" he started before I interrupted him with my lips. My fingertips traveled lower, and he broke away from me with a scowl. "Stop," he said, swiping my hands away.
"Stop what?" I asked daring him to answer me. I rubbed up his thigh to his waistline, where he grabbed me away again.
"You know what you're doing, and you need to stop," he protested, holding my wrist tightly.
I defiantly pulled my hand away and put it back under his shirt. "What are you so afraid of? I'm going to die!" I said, exasperated, as I scratched at his skin. I think my mind had reached a distress level of no return.
"I'm not afraid. It's just been a very, very long time and…" he stammered, glancing back at the door. "This is exactly the type of thing that could land me on the chopping block."
"Nobody has to know," I whispered, trying to kiss him again, but he dodged me.
"I can't. You are the holy light. It's a sacred sin," Kirin responded with sad eyes.
Filled with some newfound drunken courage, I climbed into his lap. "I'm the Nephilim. There's new rules," I purred.
He looked at me with curiosity as I smoothed his long hair back. When I st
arted to tug at his shirt, his hands blocked me again.
"You are supposed to be a demon. Why don't you fucking act like one?" I implored plopping back down on the bed. We sat in silence staring at different walls for a while before he let out a sigh of defeat.
"Is that a challenge?" he replied. I was surprised to see him taking off his shirt in the corner of my eyes. Rather... intimidated that something was actually happening. His pale skin was covered in battle scars, a hundred times worse than mine. It made me feel a bit less insecure about the scars Lazarus gave me. There was even a black, triangular tattoo on his leg I had never noticed before. It looked more like a brand than anything else.
I shivered when his hand traveled under my gown, up my thigh and to my ribs. I was trying to avoid shaking from nervousness. My mind wandered to the stone prison immediately without meaning to, but his touch was soft, and unlike Lydris'. It passed over my breast and toward my shoulder. I held my breath as he pulled the gown over my head. I couldn't help reflectively covering myself. He could tell I was uncomfortable. His finger traced the line Lazarus had cut down the center of my chest.
"What's wrong?" he asked. With shaking hands, I pulled him on top of me into another embrace rather than answer.
His fingertips rubbed back and forth on my leg and side as he kicked off his boots. A second later he was tugging on his pants.
My heart was pounding in my throat. Was this actually happening?
His lips traveled to my cheek, down my neck. His hand moved to the inside of my thigh. "Relax," Kirin murmured in my ear. He slowly and gently wedged his way between my legs, waiting until I was comfortable. His face moved from my neck and back to my lips. He cautiously began, watching my eyes for any signs of emotion. I couldn't help digging my nails into his back. I expected to be the only one overcome with sensations, but he was more overwhelmed than me. Between it being a form of sacrifice, and me being the light or whatever... and the bond. I hadn’t really understood or noticed it as much as I did at that moment. He had to absorb it all himself before he began a steady rhythm against me. I moaned and he went slower in response. It was hard to keep his gaze; it was full of passion rather than lust. It felt more intimate than anything I had ever experienced. He grabbed me closer to him and kissed every inch of my skin. I didn't care if I got caught; I was going to die after all. Kirin stopped caring, too. He went faster, knowing I wouldn't be able to keep quiet. We were lost in each other's eyes, as if the entire universe didn't exist outside of us. He felt so good, better than anyone could ever compare to. Goddamn it, I was falling in love with that guy and I didn't mind.
We enjoyed each other long after the candles burned out. The lights outside had dimmed as well, though being underground made it impossible to tell how much time had passed. He held me against his chest and pulled the blankets over us. I was finally comfortable, more comfortable than I had ever felt in my entire life. The soreness of my body was a low hum of pleasure. It was almost as if I hadn't read that stupid fortune cookie earlier.
He kissed my forehead, then my lips. "Sweet dreams," Kirin whispered.
Chapter Twenty-Six
When I awoke, it took me a moment to remember why I was naked and tangled in Kirin's arms. He was awake before me, running his finger down my spine… or had he slept at all? It was hard to say. He was staring at the ceiling, clearly in deep thought. I closed my eyes and tried to go back to my dreams, but he noticed to my irritation. He rolled over on top of me and kissed my neck to the point that it felt ticklish.
"Good morning," he said with a smile that took me far away.
"How can you tell?" I asked, noticing that it was only slightly brighter than the night before.
His lips met mine for a brief moment. "People are moving around," he replied, scanning beyond the walls as if he could see them.
I tried, but the walls blocked me. I couldn't see like the previous night, which meant his blood must've worn off.
"Did you even sleep?"
His dark eyes answered for him before his mouth. I could see bags proving he was exhausted.
"No, I couldn't, but I'm not tired.”
"What were you up thinking about all night?" I asked, running my fingers through his black hair. He didn't answer which was slightly concerning until he started kissing me again. I was really interested in what was on his mind; it couldn't be regret based on his touchy behavior.
Kirin buried his face in my neck away from the light of the city. His hands traveled all over my body hungrily. It was an odd sensation still despite the previous night's encounter. I was honestly surprised by his obvious desire after how much he had resisted me. I didn't mind, though. I just wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer. I wasn't looking forward to the day's tasks; I was content to spend as much time as I could in his embrace… which seemed to be turning into something else when he softly started to prod my leg. I wasn't sure if I was ready to go again with how sore I felt, but thoughts of my impending death changed my mind.
Things were starting to heat up when he suddenly rolled over to my side and yanked the blankets over our heads. "Shh...there's someone coming" he whispered, grabbing me into his arms. I could hear the sound of the marble door being opened.
"Good morning, Divinus! I've brought your breakfast and—ouch!" a female voice said. I peered out from the blankets. It was one of the brunettes from the other day. She was scanning the broken furniture, alarmed, before realizing that someone else was in bed with me. Her whole face turned deep red with embarrassment. I was mildly embarrassed, too; the broken furniture made our night look a bit crazier than what it really was.
"Just leave it," I whispered to her across the room. She nodded still in some kind of shock and set the tray of food on the ground. The poor woman hurriedly rushed out slamming the door behind her.
Before I could move, Kirin jumped out of the bed in all his nakedness and brought the tray over to me. It was filled with strange fruit, I guess, that I had never seen before. Kirin plopped back down and started to peel something that looked like a giant grape. I watched him until he handed it to me. "Eat, please," he said as he started to grab his clothes.
I took a bite; it tasted tangy and slightly bitter, but it was better than some of the other things I had eaten there. "Does that mean the fun is over?" I asked in between nibbles.
He pulled his clothes on and gave me a kiss on my forehead. "For now, love," he whispered.
It was somewhat strange to hear endearing words come out of his mouth, which only added to how smitten I was feeling. When I looked back into his eyes, I noticed that they were wine colored. I had been so used to them changing that I hadn't really thought about it until that moment. "Why are your eyes red?" I asked while I finished the weird fruit.
He was putting on his cloak and gathering up my robes from the previous night. "Form of sacrifice," he replied with a small smile. It almost looked sad. I could understand. I mean, it just made him appear more demonic which was something he despised. After all of the shady people I had seen with red eyes since I had been there, I didn't really like them either. Unless they were his eyes. "Put your clothes on. We should go before anyone else comes back down here," he said, scanning through the walls around us again.
I changed like he said, brushed out my wild hair, and followed him out of the room.
People were very much awake and moving around. It was hard to tell what time it was, but it wasn't early morning—probably closer to noon with the amount of people going about their day-to-day tasks. I secured my hood in hopes of trying to blend in as we made our way up the spiral staircase.
Kirin told me that he had a meeting with Ronen and members of the council to discuss our future plans while I spent the day with Alvir. I was slightly disappointed that he couldn't stay with me, but I tried to smother my feelings of sudden over-attachment.
At least I liked Alvir so far. He seemed like a nice old man. Plus, for some odd reason I felt like I had always known him. I guessed it was beca
use he knew Vince, Eve and all of the Divines, so in some way I had always known him. Not consciously, but somehow.
Kirin was kind enough to walk me down the long path to Alvir's house. It was lame that people still noticed me. I wanted to be nice and grateful for the attention, but something about them being appreciative of my "sacrifices" were off-putting. Besides, I don't really know anyone who likes it when someone gets on their knees and bows to you. Maybe some narcissistic king, but definitely not me. I was slightly startled when Kirin openly grabbed my hand and pulled me along behind him. To others it most likely appeared that he was trying to shuffle me among the crowd. Between us, I knew he was trying to give me some sort of affection before he had to leave. Even though my death was still looming in my mind, the night we shared made me feel like I could keep going. Or at least it helped me ignore it.
We nearly made it to Alvir’s before we were stopped by anyone. Arturio's furry body leapt out from the shabby bar near Alvir's house out of nowhere. He shoved Kirin into the stone wall ripping him away from me, but Kirin didn't fight him.
"You and I have some talking to do, Maundrell," he growled with fury in his blue eyes. He got distracted for a moment when he sniffed him with his wolf nose and grimaced. He looked at me with disgust before turning his attention back to Kirin. "You owe me some answers right now," he snapped, pushing him harder into the wall.
"Very well," Kirin replied with his empty hands in the air.
Arturio slowly let him go and moved away. "How did she actually…" he trailed off unable to complete his sentence. Very human tears openly fell from his eyes. He wasn't even trying to hide his emotions.
Kirin gave me an uneasy glance over his shoulder. It was my fault. I wondered what he was going to say. Instead of answering, he grabbed my hand again.
