Why can’t I give my heart to him now? I’m crazy and stupid—that’s the only explanation. No, that’s not the only explanation. Pushing him away saves me from the heartache of losing him against my will. I couldn’t do anything to keep from losing Kade, and I can’t do anything about losing Kady sometime within the next year, probably sooner.
This is about control. About not having another person I care about ripped from me.
The ache in his eyes rips at me. I don’t want to hurt him. His heart has gone through as much agony as mine. If I push him away, then I’m forcing the same torment onto him that I’m trying to avoid myself.
Hot tears blur my vision.
Knock, knock, knock!
“Mommy?”
I blink and the tears spill onto my face. “I’ll be out after I shower.”
“Where’s Daddy?”
My chest tightens. “Home.”
“Isn’t this his home now?”
“Not technically.” Guilt suffocates me. He’s spent every night over here since Kady’s ordeal started, or at least once we realized how serious it was. We’ve spent every night surrounding Kady with love and support.
“You mean at Nana and Papa’s house?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I go over there?” Kady asks.
“Not by yourself.”
“Uncle Rogan can take me.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks, Mommy!”
Her footsteps sound, walking away.
“Kady, wait!” I jump up and crack open the door.
“Yeah?” She turns around and looks my way.
I swallow. “Will you tell him I love him?”
“Yep!” Kady smiles, her crossed eye seeming to move more toward the center. Then she walks away, disappearing from sight.
Anchor
“You okay?” Lincoln glances up from his phone and looks at me with obvious concern.
“Can’t a guy pace in his own living room?”
“Yeah, but with everything going on, I can’t help but worry about you.”
“Everything’s fine.” Nothing is fine.
He sets his phone down and arches a brow. “Really?”
“No! I don’t want to talk about it.”
Lincoln holds up his palms like I have a gun to him. “Okay, but you know where I am.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take this out on you.”
“I don’t mind. You’re going through hell. I’m scared out of my mind, and she’s not even my kid.”
For the first time, I see the pain my little brother is carrying. Sometimes I forget everyone else is losing Kady too.
I sit next to Linc. “She’s lucky to have you as an uncle.”
He looks away and wipes his eyes.
“I mean it. And I’m lucky to have you as a brother.”
“Stop.” He coughs and turns his back to me.
I lean against the couch and take a deep breath. Everyone is falling apart around me, and we’re all dealing with it in different ways.
Maybe I need to stop pushing Sutton. I could end up pushing her away for good, and that’s the last thing I want. But if I give her space, hopefully she’ll come back to me when she’s ready.
That kiss. There’s no denying the emotion behind that. She didn’t want to kiss me at first, but then she didn’t want to let me go.
I have to hold onto that. She’ll come around. I’ll go crazy if I think otherwise.
Ding-dong!
Lincoln rises, still keeping his back to me. “I’m going to my room.”
“Okay.” I follow him out of the room, but I go to the door as he heads upstairs.
Mom is already there. Kady and Rogan stand outside.
“Daddy!” Kady pushes past my mom and hurries over to me. Instead of walking a straight line, she curves, nearly hitting the wall but then corrects herself at the last moment, and wraps her arms around me.
I squeeze her. “Did you have fun?”
“Yeah! I got cotton candy ice cream, then after I got cleaned up, Samantha gave me the Sparkles stuffy. It’s on my bed, I wanna show you! Wanna go now?”
“How about later?” The thought of going back to Sutton’s house is too much at the moment.
“Okay.” She grabs my hand and drags me down the hall.
I wave to Rogan as Kady tells me about going to an indoor playground with him and Kenna after ice cream. She takes me to the playroom and sets up a tea party. I help, following her instructions.
Kady holds a stuffed rhino in a tutu and stares at an empty chair. “You think Mommy will join us?”
“I’m not sure.” My voice wavers despite my best efforts to hold it all together. “I think she might need some rest.”
“Oh.” Her expression falls but then lights up. She puts the rhino in the empty seat and turns to me. “She told me to tell you that she loves you.”
“She did?”
Kady nods and gestures for me to sit in one of the other empty seats. I do, but my mind reels. Sutton has me so confused, but I probably can’t expect anything else. This is a confusing time. Heart-wrenching. And it brings back everything about Kade’s death. Everything except the fact that Sutton and I now love each other. We were there for each other back then, but maybe it was easier when we weren’t so close. Didn’t have so much to lose.
This is the second time in less than five years that our lives have been ripped apart, shredded with a searing knife, and there isn’t a thing we can do about any of it.
“Daddy?” Kady holds a pink plastic tea kettle out toward me.
I hand her my matching cup. “What flavor today?”
“Hmm…” She pours the imaginary drink. “Rainbow.”
“Rainbow tea.” I pretend to take a sip. “My favorite.”
We continue with tea and crumpets—though I’m not sure either of us know what a crumpet actually is, but we both rave about them.
After about twenty minutes, my mom comes in. “Kady, do you want to help me make brownies and fresh lemonade?”
“Yeah!” She scrambles out of the chair and stumbles. I reach out for her before she falls and steady her. She and my mom head for the kitchen, holding hands.
I take a deep breath and put the toys away. I pause with the rhino and hold onto it. This is so hard now, I don’t even want to think about what it’ll be like after. I know the pain, though. Oh, how I know it. I turn around to put the stuffed animal away.
Sutton is standing in the doorway.
My breath hitches. I want to say something, but there isn’t much to say that I haven’t already spoken.
We stare at each other for a moment before she makes a beeline for me and wraps her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Anchor. For everything since all of this started. I just…” Her voice trails off.
“You don’t want to risk any more hurt?” I lean my head against hers and breathe in the fruity smell of her shampoo.
She nods. “I don’t want to push you away. That’s the last thing I want. I need you, but I also need space.”
I kiss her cheek. “I understand. Just tell me when you need space. I only ask that you don’t push me away.”
“I’ll try not to.”
“Actually, that’s not the only thing I ask.”
Sutton glances at me. “What else?”
“No more swinging in a storm. Or anything in a storm. Stay safe, please.”
“I can do that.”
I shudder. “Please do. I hate to think of what might’ve happened if I hadn’t come over to get my wallet and saw you through the window.”
“Sorry. It wasn’t raining when I went out there.”
“Why do girls do that?”
She lifts an eyebrow. “Do what?”
“Apologize for something that isn’t your fault. You don’t need to say sorry for being out there.”
“Well, I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“I appreciate that.” I kiss her forehead, then put my arm around her and
walk to the living room with her. We sit on the couch, snuggled together. On the other side of the windows, the sun shines brightly but rain drips down from the still-drenched trees.
Sutton leans forward. “Look, a rainbow.” She laces her fingers through mine and pulls me over to a window. A bright rainbow lights up the sky, and from our angle, it appears to be right over her house.
She leans against me, and we watch it until it fades away. Like a life taken too soon, it’s gone before we’re ready.
Sutton sighs. “I should’ve gotten a picture.”
“It’s all right here.” I kiss the side of her head. “That’s where memories are kept alive. That, and the heart.”
Heaviness settles between us, and before either of us end up in tears, I lead her back over to the couch. I kind of hate this couch. It’s comfortable and it’s leather, but my parents bought it shortly after Kade died, and we had a lot of memories on the old couch—countless forts built as kids, even more movie nights later. Times scaring each other with ghost stories or struggling with homework. This one? It’s just a couch. And it’s kind of ugly, but that could just be me.
The aroma of chocolate wafts into the room.
I stretch. “Maybe we should see if Kady’s brownies are ready.”
“Yeah, I—” Sutton’s phone rings. “Let me see who that is. The results of Kady’s last scan might be in. I really hope the tumor has gotten smaller.” She taps the phone’s screen. “Hello?”
I hold my breath, trying to hear the caller, hoping against hope it’s good news. Maybe Kady will be the one kid who actually beats this thing.
Color drains from Sutton’s face.
I can’t breathe. Bad news? Surely, it can’t get worse than it already is. But given her expression, it is.
She nods, but doesn’t say anything. The color still hasn’t returned to her cheeks.
I’m trying to breathe. My heart feels like it has stopped.
Where’s life’s reset button? I need a do-over. I can’t take this anymore. It’s all too much.
“Okay.” Sutton nods again. “We can call you back on this number?”
I grab a throw pillow that matches the stupid couch and squeeze, digging my fingers in to the point that I’m surprised it doesn’t burst open.
Sutton thanks the caller, then puts her phone away.
“Who was that?” I hate to ask, but what other choice do I have?
“I… It was…” She shakes, and I pull her close.
“The doctor?”
“No.” Her voice wavers. “That agency that grants wishes for dying kids.”
Another punch to the gut.
It’s not like we didn’t already know Kady’s fate. But having that company call about her only drives the reality in. Kind of like it’s absolutely official now.
No going back.
Not that there was before. But this opens a new chapter. Kicks reality right into our teeth.
“What did they say?” I finally ask.
“They want to know what Kady would like so they can start planning. You know, before it’s too late.” A single tear trails down her face.
I don’t know how I manage to hold myself together, but I do. “Do you know what she wants?”
Sutton shakes her head no. “We’ll have to ask her. She gave me some ideas if Kady doesn’t know.” She wipes her eyes. “Kady gets any wish she wants, but this feels like the worst thing ever.”
“Like a death sentence.”
“Exactly.” She leans against me.
At least she’s leaning on me and not running from me. That’s the only good thing in a sea of bad news and heartache.
Sutton
Anchor pushes Kady from behind, and I push her feet as she swings toward me. She laughs as she sails back and forth. Neither Anchor nor I let her go very high. Though we haven’t said it out loud, with her coordination problems, we don’t trust her grip on the chain. Luckily, she doesn’t notice. Or if she does, she doesn’t complain.
Once she tires of swinging, we chase her through the play set, pretending we’re space pirates and she’s a princess. She gets winded before she should and stops near a slide. “Can we go to the beach? Olivia said she saw a walrus there.”
I bite back a comment about that being impossible and smile. “A walrus? I’ve never seen one at our lake.”
“I know! I wanna see it. Can we?”
“What do you think?” I glance over at Anchor.
“Sounds like a fun adventure.”
We’re putting off the inevitable—asking Kady what she’d like to do while she still can. My stomach lurches at the thought.
I plaster on a smile so Kady won’t pick up how I’m really feeling. We all slide down to the ground, then head over to the lake. Anchor and I stay quiet as Kady excitedly tells us about a Sparkles the Unicorn movie coming to theaters next summer.
Most likely, she won’t be around to see it.
I want to fall apart right here on the edge of our property. To crumble to my knees and scream. To shout about the unfairness of it all. But I don’t. I keep walking and force my smile to stay and I fight the lump in my throat that wants to make me cry until nothing hurts anymore.
We make it to the sand, and I’m still in one piece. Barely.
Kady plops down and yanks off her shoes and socks. She struggles with the last sock, so Anchor helps her with it. Then she races for the water, her path crooked and her legs unstable.
I hate DIPG. Wish I could kill it.
Anchor scoots close to me. “When are we going to ask her?”
“I don’t know. What if she asks for her owie to go away?”
“That would be my wish, but she hardly seems to notice it.”
“Hardly?” I exclaim. “She doesn’t want to do dance now.”
He sighs, sounding as defeated as I feel. “I just mean that she’s still happy. She still likes helping my mom in the kitchen and having tea parties and pretending she’s a princess.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“Don’t apologize.”
I lean against him, but instead of feeling comforted, I find the world closing in around me. “I need some space. If Kady asks, tell her I had to go home and use the bathroom.”
He nods. “Are you coming back?”
“Yeah. Like I said, I just need space.” I run, but instead of going home, I head toward Kade’s house. Before getting there, I climb up a tree that Kade and I used to sit in and talk for hours. There’s a thick scooped branch that’s the perfect seat for two, and it’s hidden so people walking below can’t see it through the thick leaves.
Once settled, I close my eyes and lean against the trunk. It almost feels like Kade is here with me. I can’t believe that in four years, I haven’t returned.
In my mind’s eye, Kade leans back next to me and smiles reassuringly. Is he trying to make me feel better about Kady? Or the fact that I’m with Anchor? Would he hate me for being engaged to his best friend, or would he be glad we ended up together since we do what we can to keep his memory alive? We’ve shown his pictures to Kady so many times and told her so many stories about him, she feels like she knows him. Would he be happy with the way we’re raising her?
If only he was really here to answer those questions.
I stop beating myself up, and let my mind wander. Memories of our long talks float through my mind. We talked about everything. I’ve never met a guy who loved to talk so much. I loved that I never had to guess what he was thinking. In fact, I sometimes wished for a little mystery. But now I’m grateful.
And I know the answers to my earlier questions. Kade had a heart of gold. Though he obviously would’ve wanted to live and carry on with our dreams of marriage and three kids, he would be happy with Anchor and me. He loved both of us and would’ve been glad we found love together.
A commotion sounds from the beach.
My mind conjures up an image of Kady, whose motor skills are rapidly declining, in the w
ater. Drowning.
I scramble down the tree, nearly losing my footing more than once, then I run for the water. The beach is a confusing scene of people clutching their children. A guy is yelling. Others are gathering their things. Anchor is holding Kady. She’s in one piece and mostly dry. She’s safe.
Relief washes through me, and my legs nearly give out, but I don’t stop until I reach them. Then I wrap my arms around both of them, my pulse still racing. “What happened?”
“A dog broke loose from its leash and lunged for a group of kids, growling and snapping. He almost bit one, but one of the dads pulled it away just in time. The dog bit him, though.”
“How could that happen?”
“I don’t know, but people were saying that dog has been a problem before. It might be put down now, and it should be after targeting kids.”
Anger surges through me. “Why would the owner bring the dog here if it’s such a nuisance?”
“Because you can’t fix stupid. We should go back home.”
Kady squirms. “But I wanna finish my sand castle. The dog’s gone now.”
Anchor frowns.
“Please,” Kady begs.
I don’t want to tell her no. “What if we help you with it? Then we can get a picture.”
Anchor’s frown doesn’t disappear. “I’m going to keep an eye out for the mongrel while we do that.”
“Yay!” Kady squirms down and heads for the water.
“It’ll be okay.” I take Anchor’s hand, and we follow Kady.
He looks around more than at the sand castle as we help finish it.
Kady sticks a broken shell in the top. “Done!”
I take several pictures, making sure to get every side and a few with Kady in them. Anchor is still scanning the edges of the beach until we leave and make it back to my yard.
We go inside and sit in the family room. I turn to Kady. “I have a question for you.”
“Okay!” She smiles widely. “I hope it has to do with ice cream.”
The Only Things You Can Take (Wildflower Romance #2) Page 21
