“Hell yeah. He’s a pussy,” I tell him honestly. I could kick his ass today—bruised ribs and all.
Coach nods. “Only half day today. Those ribs need to heal up. The cut by your eye was a lucky shot.”
“The fucker. Pisses me off I let him get one in on me.” The guy was a chump. A joke. Him and his submission bullshit. He wouldn’t stand up for the hit because he knew I’d take him down with one good punch. It’s what I’m known for. It’s why they call me K.O. or as Coach calls me, Knox. “He kept sweeping my leg. Pissed me off. Next time I’m just going out swinging.”
“One-hitter quitter,” Coach declares.
“Damn right. Boom! See ya, motherfucker. I hate wasting my time on these scrubs.”
“Step up a level,” Coach advises.
“I’ve been thinking about it.”
“You’d have to go against Jabs.”
“Jamie. Yeah, he’d be a good rival.“ It sucks fighting a friend, but it wouldn’t be the first time.
“He might never let you borrow his jet again.”
I snort. “Please, he’d do anything for Tera—married or not. He’s half in love with her. If she gave him the time of day, he’d drop everything to woo her.”
“Woo,” Coach chuckles.
“I’d love to get my hands on the Reaper.”
“Cocky little prick. He’s shady,” Coach announces.
“Who you tellin’? Remember Memphis? No Holds Barred. Fucker brought in those brass knuckles and still couldn’t beat me. Gave me a couple broken ribs, though.”
“You paid him back and then some. Concussion and broken nose. Yeah, I’d say you whipped his ass.”
I grunt, then stop and grab my water. I’m a little dehydrated from the fight. I don’t function well when I’m not topped off.
“Tell me, Knox,” Coach begins, “what’re you doing with Ethan?”
“What do ya mean?”
“No one knows and if you step up a level, they’ll ride you hard if they find out.”
“Like I give a fuck. I can handle anything they throw at me. What’re they gonna do? Call me names like kids in grade school? Try to jump me? They can bring it. Anything they bring at me, I’ve had worse. Much worse,” I admit.
“And what about Ethan?”
I pause. “Ethan can handle it. We’re going to be attending a movie premiere for Lucy in six-seven months or so and we’re going together. We figure if we get ahead of things soon, it’ll all die down by then. We don’t want to make waves for Lucy.”
“I can see that. Just let me know. We can PR spin the fuck out of this, you know. I’m sure Ethan’s got someone to work the PR out for him and the band, too,” Coach relays.
“Yeah,” I say. I guess I didn’t think we’d need PR. But we do. The ramifications of Ethan coming out could be disastrous for Falling Down—hell, they could be the same for me. Am I worried? Yeah, I’m worried. I just don’t want Ethan to worry. I want to hold that weight for him. I can dump it off in the ring while he’d have to continue to carry it until it weighed him down and brought him to his knees. I will not let that happen.
“Finish off with lower body. Ease up on the ribs. Don’t come in tomorrow. You need to heal, or it’ll end up worse,” Coach dictates.
“Yeah, yeah, okay. Ethan’s not too happy about my coming in either, but I needed the space to clear out the residual shit in my head. It’s not easy living with a house full of people,” I admit.
“I can’t even imagine. Lower body and massage. Ice, heat, wrap.”
I nod.
“See you in a couple days.”
“Later, coach.”
Just thinking about what Ethan and I have to face is making me twitchy. I kick the big bag, then spin-kick, mixing it up, working out my frustration and worry. I’m not worried for my sake. I let that shit roll right off my back. I’m worried for Ethan and what ridicule and the pressure of it could mean for Ethan—what it could mean for us.
He’s been fighting so hard in therapy to work his shit out. He’s even started opening up more to me about it. I hate what happened to him. I wish I knew the fucker’s name. I’d hunt him down and snap his fucking neck. He took Ethan’s innocence and turned it into something painful and ugly.
And now… I let out a sigh. Now he can’t stand someone to be behind him—just like Tera. If either of them so much as feel someone’s breath on their neck, they go into fight-or-flight mode. It’s instantaneous and it’s scary—for them, and for everyone else around them.
Kick. Spin-kick. Kick. Kick. Kick.
He feels dirty. Sometimes after we’re together, he has the water in the shower so hot I worry he’s going to scald his skin off. And the way he washes and washes and washes himself. Jesus.
So, I turn the water to a tolerable temperature and take the body wash and cloth from him. I gently and slowly cleanse him in a healing manner as opposed to the frantic, wounding way he goes about it. He’s blind to anything but the visions in his head, the memories. I, with each touch and soft, loving word, bring him slowly back to the present where he shudders and shakes. I hold him, caress him, soothe him—love him. Eventually he finds his way back to me and hugs me tightly. I dry us off and carry him to bed where he trembles in my arms, climbing so far into my side, he’s half on top of me. Finally, he falls asleep, but I don’t. I stay awake all night, holding him, soothing him, so the nightmares stay at bay.
No one ever spoke about the day he turned up at Dr. Mac’s, bleeding, screaming, and barely able to stand. We were all just there for him however he needed us. And this is how he needs me now.
I would do anything for him. I’d kill for him. I’d die for him. But one thing I won’t do is give up on him or us. He worries I will. It would be like ripping out a part of my soul. He’s a part of me, a part I will never let go. Ever.
No matter how bad things get.
ETHAN
“I figure we can get back out on tour after Lucy’s premiere. It’ll add hype to the tour,” Jace says.
Cage nods. “That’s a good idea. Plenty of time to finish up the new album and distribution.”
I’m amped up to get on the road again. It’s not that I don’t like the home life we have going on, it’s just… it’s busy. It takes my mind off the bullshit that constantly runs through my head.
Linc and I need to talk to everyone. I’m pretty sure most everyone knows, but we need to be sure and we need to know how they feel about my coming out. I wish Linc had skipped the gym and made it to this meeting in the big gold building that houses Nichols Records.
Kennedy knows. He’s always known. I told him, and we talked about it. He never pushed for more information, and I only gave him what I was comfortable with. I can’t talk about that day with anyone but Linc and Joan. I just can’t. It’s not that I’m ashamed, because I’m not. Therapy’s taught me it wasn’t my fault. I believe it to be true. I just don’t want everyone to know everything. I don’t want the sympathy or pitying looks some of them gave Tera. I don’t want the attention. I couldn’t stand the attention.
Then there’s Lincoln. I don’t want them to look at him differently either. He’s solid. My rock. Hell, he’s everyone’s rock if I’m being honest. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and empties it when he steps into the ring--with each punch it dissipates. He carries it for those he loves because he knows he's got broader shoulders, he’s stronger, and he knows he has an outlet. We don't.
He thinks I don’t know he worries, but I know. I know everything about that man. I know he hates brussel sprouts but swears broccoli is the best vegetable in the world. He hates wheat bread but eats it because it’s healthier for him. I know he can eat an entire chocolate cake in one sitting and not share a single bite. I know he hates the feel rayon against his skin which meant they had to make special shorts for him for the ring. He’s not demanding but has little patience for bullshit. He loves the color yellow but will never wear it because he thinks it’s too girlie. I know he
trusts very few people and lets even less into his life, but those who are granted entry will be a part of him forever.
The door opens and in walks my guy. I almost stand but don’t. I meet his gaze and he smiles that smile. God, he’s so hot. Those straight white teeth set against his darkened Hispanic skin, the green and brown eyes that see right to my soul, and that body—that body is to die for. Completely tatted up and all muscle.
Kennedy moves over a chair and pushes his vacated one out for Linc.
He sits down and smells clean and fresh. His hair wet. He came straight from the gym.
“What’d I miss?” he asks, “and why do I need to be here?”
Jesse leans forward. “We’re talking about touring again and I wanted to know if it’s going to fuck with your schedule.”
“How far ahead are we talking?” Linc asks.
“After Lucy’s premiere,” Jesse replies.
“I was going to talk to you,” he says looking at me, “all about this, but now’s as good a time as any.”
“What’s up?” Xan asks.
“I was talking to Coach and we’re going to move up a level.”
“That’s fucking awesome, bro,” Xan exclaims. Everyone’s in agreement.
“What does this mean?” I ask.
“Not much, really. I’ll just be fighting guys who are more of a challenge. But that means I don’t know what my schedule will be like. I don’t know how that works yet. I was going to call Jabs—Jamie later.”
“So, you’re bumping up to his level then?” I question.
He nods. “Yeah, if everything works out which I think it should. But you guys all know there are ways to work around shit schedules.”
“There are,” Cage agrees. “We have time and we can make any adjustments and special arrangements we have to. I know the BFD tour would like you to be with them as much as possible.
I look at Linc and he looks at me with the question of the hour in his eyes. I tilt my head slightly nodding my assent.
“There’s something else you all need to know,” Linc begins.
“Go on,” Cage encourages.
“Ethan and I are together. As in a couple,” he announces.
“As in, in love with each other,” Kennedy adds.
“As in gay,” I include.
Jesse’s brows pull together. “And?”
Linc looks at me and I look at him, we look around the table and see no surprise.
“You knew?” I ask.
Jesse rolls his eyes. “Of course we knew. We’re not fucking stupid. You two’ve been together almost as long as Tera and Xan.”
“Oh, wow. I didn’t know it was that long,” Lucy adds, “But really, anyone with two eyes can see it.”
“See it? See that we’re gay?” I ask, feeling a bit insulted.
“No, silly. See that you’re in love,” Lucy clarifies.
“Seriously, dude,” Xan says shaking his head.
Linc’s brows lift. “Well. That was easy.”
“Is there a reason you were keeping it a secret?” Cage asks.
I shake my head. “No, not really. We just… it’s kind of like Tera and Xan. Different locations.”
“But together,” Linc adds.
I nod.
“I’m assuming, and I hate to assume,” Cage begins, “that you are thinking of making your relationship and sexuality public?”
We both nod.
“Yeah. I talked to Coach today about it,” Linc announces.
“You did?” I ask.
“Yeah, I was going to talk to you about that later, too. Seems like I have to share with everyone before sharing with you.”
He’s a bit frustrated. I can tell by his tone.
“It’s okay,” I tell him, putting my hand over his. “I’ll get the details later.”
Linc nods then turns his hand over and intertwines his fingers with mine.
“That,” Meggie shouts, pointing to our hands. “That, right there, is how we all knew. I don’t think you even realize you’re touching one another, but you always do in front of us. I think it’s romantic and so sweet.”
I blush a little. I hate the attention.
Linc gives me a soft look, rubbing his thumb over my wrist as if to say, “It’s okay. Just relax.”
I nod.
“And that,” Sera adds. “The silent communication.”
“You only noticed that because you and Batman do the same thing,” Xander declares.
She nods. “That’s the truth.”
I look over to Cage and he gives Sera a look, she stares back.
“Dude, get a room,” I chide, and everyone laughs, including Cage’s assistant, Marta. Well, Cage’s lip twitches so I consider that a laugh.
“Is there any specific way you wanted to, for lack of a better term, ‘come out’?” Cage questions.
“We were thinking of just going out in public more, maybe dinner and lunch. Shopping,” Linc replies.
“Oooh, shopping,” Meggie says with a bounce. “Can I come?”
I laugh and Linc smirks.
“Does that mean Styxzilla will be coming as well?” I ask.
“Styxzilla!” Meggie laughs. “That is perfect for him!”
“I didn’t realize I said that out loud,” I admit. “It’s just, he’s so…” I move my hand, “just so…”
“That he is,” Meggie agrees.
“I like it,” Trace says. “Styxzilla. Yeah, I like that. Nice.”
I squeeze Linc’s hand. I need to know.
“Now that it’s been said,” I begin, “does anyone have anything they need to say? If you aren’t on board with this, we get it. Not everyone’s as tolerant as others.”
“Now you’re pissing me off,” Trace says.
Linc sits up straighter, ready to defend me.
“You really think anyone here is going to think or feel differently about you because you’re gay? Because you love him and he loves you?” Lucy asks. “Ethan, we love you for you, and that includes everything about you. This is part of who you are. We wouldn’t be true family if we didn’t embrace this with you.”
I nod, my nose getting tingly, but I suck it up.
“Thanks.”
“Now, others. The public. The media,” Marta says shaking her head when Cage looks at her. “We’re going to have to just see what happens and if it needs spin, then we find one. Just remember, it’s always bad at first and then it gets worse before it gets better.”
Cage leans forward, resting his hands on the table. “And it will get better. We’ll make sure of it.”
Linc nods and I do too.
“I’m not sure why I was so anxious about telling you,” I confess.
“Fear of the unknown,” Kennedy tells him. “By the way, I’ve always known. Just wanted to put that out there. If you fuckers have a problem with it, take it up with The K.O. Kid here.”
“Yeah, pretty sure if anyone had a problem with that, no one would say a fucking word,” Jace teases. “He’s one big motherfucker.”
“And mean, when he needs to be,” Xan tells them.
“Remember when he broke Xander’s nose?” Jesse taunts.
“Fuck off,” Xan says, reaching up to touch his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “I still have a lump there.”
“Your dad’s one hell of a doctor, but he’s not a magician,” Linc tells him. “And you had it coming.”
Xan looks at Linc. “I damn sure did. Just remember, Jesse challenged you that day.”
Jesse laughs and Linc looks at Jesse.
“History,” is all Linc says.
Jesse nods.
“I love this fucking family,” Meggie announces with a bounce.
We—Linc and I—decide we’re going to be spontaneous with our outings, no pun intended. Cage is in agreement as is everyone else.
God damn, I’m going to hate this. All the attention. Linc looks at me and winks.
One day at a time.
* * *
“So… what does moving up a level mean for you?” I ask Linc when we enter our rooms.
He smiles at me and rests his palms on my shoulders. “Don’t worry too much, E. It’s not much different than it is now. The guys are just more of a challenge.”
“Closer to the intensity and skill you have when you fight, right?”
He nods. “Exactly.”
“That could mean broken ribs instead of bruised. That could mean more cuts and stitches on your pretty face.”
“Pretty?” Linc asks with a laugh.
I nod. “Yeah. Your face is pretty and I don’t want anything bad to happen to it—or to you.”
“It’s just fighting, Ethan. Just like I do now.”
“Don’t bullshit me. I know what can happen.”
He nods. “If I move up two levels, then your worry is warranted. One level, well, they’re closer to my skill, more of a challenge. I’m bored with things now, Ethan.”
“I get it. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
Linc smiles. “It’s what I do. Get hurt a little but hurt them more.”
Pulse (Rockstar Book 15): a #JUCY and #SAGE short story Page 4
