by Erin Mallon
Ilda: Come on.
Susan: But I don’t want to-
Ilda: COME ON! YOU TOUCH YOURS AND I’LL TOUCH MINE!!!
Susan: FINE!!!!
They both recline on the bed, laying side by side, hands resting over their lower abdomens.
Silence.
Ilda: What is she saying?
Susan: Who?
Ilda: Your uterus.
Susan: You’re getting weirder. You know that, right?
Ilda: Sweetheart, we’re all getting weirder. And if you’re not then you’re not doing it right. Mine is saying... thank you.
Susan: Mine is saying (considers saying something sarcastic) Um. It’s saying... (beat.) ...that I really love you Mom. And I... I hope you’re ok.
Ilda: That’s lovely Suzie-Q. I love you too. You’re not too angry at me for messing up your sex life up until this point?
Susan: What? No. Why would you think-?
Ilda: Well sex is inherently undignified. And I worry that I raised you too be too much of a lady. I just don’t think you’re primal enough to engage in physical intimacy in an effective or pleasurable way.
Susan: Ok...
Ilda: Plus, I never gave you “The Talk!” As your mother, wasn’t I supposed to give you “The Talk?”
Susan: I suppose so, but don’t worry, I... figured it out.
Ilda: Well, I’d like to rectify that situation and give it to you now.
Susan: “The Talk?” No thank you.
Ilda: Yes please. First things first. Are you still getting your menses?
Susan: Mom!
Ilda: What?
Susan: I’m 40.
Ilda: Exactly. You’re ancient.
Susan: I’m not ancient!
Ilda: You are! Listen. I heard a new phrase the other day. “Use it or you’ll lose it.” And I’m not convinced you’re using it. At all.
Susan: Using my... what? My...
Ilda: Your whole... female.... apparatus. Apparatae?
Susan: What in god’s name are you-
Ilda: Dear, you’re going to dry up if you don’t signal to your apparatae that you enjoy... juice. That’s what happened to me! And now, here I am, juice-less, but trying like mad to summon some kind of nectar!
Susan: Juice?! NECTAR?! What are you-
Ilda: Don’t be difficult. Always so difficult. I’m just saying... Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your body. Age of Aquarius and all that, right? Just dear god, don’t get pregnant.
Susan: Well, if I’m sleeping with a woman, then...
Ilda: Then what?
Susan: Then there’s no chance of me getting pregnant.
Ilda: Oh well of course! That’s fucking fantastic excuse my language! I hadn’t fully considered that obvious and brilliant benefit to your new path! It’s a wonder the whole world isn’t lez-bean!
Beat.
Susan moves to get back in bed.
Susan: Thanks for “The Talk.” I feel sufficiently empowered now.
Ilda: I’m so glad. This has been so wonderful. Having my girl with me. Come sit with me and stare out the window at that beauty.
Susan: The moon?
Ilda: Yes. Come closer.
Susan: Then you’ll let me go to bed?
Ilda: You bet, baby.
Susan joins her on the edge of the bed. They sit, staring out the window.
Hi there Lunabird. (to Susan) Say hi.
Susan: (lackluster wave)
Hi.
Silence.
Ilda: God, I love her.
Beat.
You know they’re hoping to stomp all over her in a few days, right?
Susan: Sorry, what?
Ilda: The men.
Susan: What men.
Ilda: The men. In the bubble-head suits.
Susan: The astronauts?
Ilda: Yes. The astronauts. They’re already up there you know, hurtling toward her as fast as they can in their rocket penis. I bet if we look real closely we can see them.
Susan: Dare I ask?
Ilda: Their rocket penis. Don’t tell me you’ve never noticed that rocket ships are 100% designed to pay homage to the male penis.
Susan: As opposed to the female penis?
Ilda: Listen to me when I talk! I make excellent points. But you can’t hear them when you assume I’m being a silly woman. I am not silly woman!
Susan: I know you’re not, Mom, I’m only-
Ilda: Those men are hurtling toward her right now in their rocket penis, prepared to stomp all over her tomorrow and you know what’s going to happen? They’re going to be praised for it.
Susan: Well yes! Let’s hope it goes that well, mom! It’s extremely dangerous what they’re doing.
Ilda: Why do it then? Why should they risk their lives to – to - to... put their mark on her?
Susan: They’re exploring the unknown. It’s exciting, it’s-
Ilda: Arrogant. Maybe she doesn’t want to be known. She knows who she is. She doesn’t need a bunch of puffy men in suits to tell her who she is.
Beat.
She knows.
SCENE SEVEN
An examination room.
Henry: Dr. Cotton. Hello.
Margot: I’m not Doctor Cotton.
Henry: No no. I meant “I am Doctor Cotton. Hello.”
Margot: (imitating him)
“And I am joking with you. Hello.”
Henry: Ah. Hello.
Margot: Hello.
Silence.
Well we’ve certainly said hello. What exciting thing is going to happen next I wonder?
He reads her file.
Margot: I like your moustache.
Henry: Do you?
Margot: No. Your moustache is a monstrosity. Slimy hair positioned directly above a man’s mouth? Are we trying to torture women? Oh, right, we are. How does your wife feel about that slippery upper lip atrocity you call a fashion statement?
Beat.
Henry: If you’ll allow me to ask the questions, I think you’ll find things will move along more smoothly.
Margot: Of course, Henry.
Henry: Doctor Cotton will do.
Margot: Dr. Cotton will do what?
Henry: What?
Margot: What?
Henry: I meant that you are not to call me Henry. Doctor Cotton will do.
Margot: Doctor Cotton will do what?
Henry: DR COTTON WILL DO WHATEVER HE DAMN WELL PLEASES SO YOU SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!
Silence.
Margot: You have a wonderful bedside manner.
Henry: If you’ll excuse me a moment.
He turns his back to her.
He feels the pulse at his wrist a few moments.
Then the pulse at his throat.
When he’s done, he glances down at her file.
Margot: You alright Doctor?
Henry: Mrs. Andrew McGuire. 37 years old.
Margot: I thought you were Doctor Cotton.
Henry: (warning)
Mrs. McGuire...
Margot: Margot will do.
Beat.
Henry: Very well. How many pregnancies have you had?
Margot: Oh, we’re getting right to it, aren’t we. Nine.
Henry: Nine??
Margot: That’s what I said.
Henry: And how many of those pregnancies resulted in live birth?
Margot: Seventy-five.
Beat.
Seeing if you’re paying attention.
Henry: Please be accurate.
Margot: Zero.
Henry: Zero.
Margot: That’s right.
Henry: Zero live births after nine pregnancies.
Margot:
That’s what I said. All of this information should be there in my file, no?
Henry: Yes, I’m sure it is. I’m simply trying to... connect with you on a – a – a -
Margot: A human level? That’s so nice, Henry. We human women thank you for that.
Beat.
Henry: Mrs. McGuire, I am a holistic doctor. Meaning I treat the whole person.
Margot: Thank you for explaining that.
Henry: So, yes of course I can refer to your files, but I’d like to take you in as a whole. Look in your face. Hear your voice. Watch your breath.
Margot: Buy me a drink? Share me a smoke? Take me on a long walk down a short pier?
Henry: What did you do to create that outcome?
Margot: Which outcome? The zero live births?
Henry: Yes.
Margot: Not a thing.
Henry: If I asked Mr. McGuire the same question, would his answer align with yours?
Margot: Hard to say. Bit of a liar, that one.
Beat.
Henry: How would you describe your mental hygiene?
Margot: Clean. Serene. Pristine.
Henry: Please take this seriously.
Margot: I apologize.
She makes a serious face.
Henry: When would you say your troubles began?
Margot: The day I walked in here. Forgive me – the day I was dragged in here. There wasn’t much walking happening. (quick beat) You asked me to be accurate.
Henry: Mrs. McGuire –
Margot: Margot.
Henry: I think we both know that your psychotic episodes began when you reached puberty.
Margot: Do we both know that?
Henry: We do. What was that time like for you?
Margot: Puberty? An absolute delight. How about you?
Henry: Did you find yourself in the throes of emotional waves you couldn’t control and didn’t understand?
Margot: Of course. It was puberty. Surely you felt similarly.
Henry: Can’t say that I did.
Margot: But I thought puberty was when the crazy sets in.
Henry: For women, yes.
Margot: Oh! Oh-hohohoho. Hahahahahahaha!
Henry: What on earth is so funny?
Margot: The fact that people listen to you.
Beat.
Henry: Would you or would you not agree that men and women are different?
Margot: I would!
Henry: Well, I am a man and-
Margot: That’s debatable.
Beat.
Henry: What did you say to me?
Margot: ...
Beat.
Henry: Mrs. McGuire, it’s not required that I explain these things to you. I’m doing you the kindness of spending time to help you understand yourself.
Margot: Thank you doctor.
Henry: You’re quite welcome. (quick beat.) Puberty in the female has more pernicious effects than in the male. It is a fact. If a girl is unprepared for the onset of the menstrual function it can lead to a psychic shock, which can lead to a-
Margot: Is your daughter prepared?
Beat.
Henry: How do you know I have a daughter?
Margot: People talk.
Henry: Well. We’re talking about you, now aren’t we.
Margot: ...
Beat.
Henry: Hormonal changes in a woman’s life can prove problematic and require interventions. You should know that in many cases, childbirth is the incident that ushers in the most troubling psychoses. So in that regard, perhaps it was a blessing that you never carried to term.
Beat.
Margot becomes visibly agitated.
Margot: A blessing, yes. You – you- you -
Henry: Relax Margot...
Margot: You – you – you – you –
Henry: Easy...
Margot: You – you – you – you –
Henry: Do you need me to administer something to help you relax?!
Beat.
Margot: No.
Henry: Very good.
He snaps on his surgical gloves.
Now lie back and open your mouth.
Margot: Gladly, Doctor.
She’s lewd.
Beat.
He begins poking around her mouth.
Margot: Oooh. Yes. Yes Ohhh.
He continues to examine.
Henry: Mrs. McGuire, your attempts to shock me won’t succeed. You’d best save your energies for more productive endeavors.
Margot: Don’t beat around the bush, Doctor. If you want to be more... productive with me... just say so.
Henry: (ignoring her)
Your teeth may appear to be healthy, but a tooth is often invaded by infection without evident decay. Focal infection is the cause of most if not all occurrences of insanity. With the teeth residing in such close proximity to the brain, it behooves us to explore eradicating any-
Margot: Ugh. I’m so bored. You’re boring me. Do I need to be here for this? I feel like you would continue speaking into the ether whether I was here or not.
Henry: BE QUIET! NO ONE HAS ASKED YOU TO SPEAK!
Silence.
Henry: There is a “Do-nothing” policy so many embrace today. But it does exactly that. Nothing. Mrs. McGuire, your treatments thus far have been insufficiently radical. But rest assured, you’re in capable hands now.
Beat.
Open.
SCENE EIGHT
Tilly sits in her room, a big book on her lap. A scream is heard.
Then another.
And another.
She freezes and listens.
The screams stop.
She resumes eating.
After a few moments, Henry enters.
Tilly: Papa, hi!
Henry: Good morning, Tilly.
Tilly: What was that I just heard?
Henry: I’m not sure what you mean.
Tilly: Someone sounded hurt. Or scared. Or both?
Henry: Sometimes patients have reactions to treatments. It may sound scary, but it’s nothing to worry about. Whenever you hear something like that, remind yourself that it’s the sound of someone getting better.
Tilly: It doesn’t sound like people getting-
Henry: It’s the sound of people getting better. Understood?
Tilly: Understood.
Henry turns to leave.
Tilly: Did you need something?
Henry: Need something. No. Why would you-
Tilly: You came into my room. You don’t come into my room anymore.
Henry: Oh.
Beat.
Yes, I – (quick beat.) Sometimes I wonder if I’m not what you-
Beat.
He turns his back to her.
He feels the pulse at his wrist a few moments.
Then the pulse at his throat.
Has anything happened to your body recently that I should know about?
Tilly: Why do you do that, Papa? Touch your wrist and neck like-
Henry: Has anything happened to your body recently that I should know about.
Tilly: No? I had a little bit of a belly ache today, but - is that what you mean? I’ve been defecating every day like you’ve told me to. I’ve been biting my lemons after every meal too. Oh, but – oh. Are you-? Yesterday I belched very loudly at lunch. Did the staff tell you? Are you angry about that?
Beat.
Henry: No, that’s- That all sounds fine.
He turns to go.
Tilly: Don’t you want to hear about my studies?
Henry: Of course. Yes. What are you studying?
Tilly: Astronomy.
Henry: Wonderful. And how are you
liking your tutor? Mister...
Tilly: Barrington. He’s a bit boring. But the books he brings are brilliant, so.
Henry: Well, that’s good. That you enjoy the books.
Tilly: Did you know that the moon doesn’t spin? Every other heavenly body does, but not the moon. It stays steady on the Earth.
Henry: Is that a fact?
Tilly: Yes. Do you think it’s because it loves us? And is watching over us?
Henry: No.
Tilly: Some people believe that the moon is always pulling at us, communicating with us, affecting our moods and even our bodies.
Henry: That there is absolute hogwash, so get that out of your head immediately.
Tilly: Ok, Papa.
Henry: Who in the world told you that nonsense? Surely not Mr. Barrington.
Tilly: No.
Henry: Then who?
Tilly: I don’t – (quick beat.) I don’t know.
Henry: Alright.
Beat.
Well.
Beat.
Study hard.
Tilly: I will.
He watches her a moment, like he might say something else. He leaves.
Tilly shuts her book and closes her eyes.
It’s silent a moment.
Tilly: Come fiiiiind me.
Beat.
Come fiiiiind me.
Beat.
Where are you? Why won’t you-
We hear voices from behind the dressing screen.
Margot (as husband): I’m leaving you.
Margot: Leaving me? Is this a gas?
Margot (as husband): I’m leaving you.
Margot: No. Don’t, don’t. Please don’t.
Tilly: Margot?
Tilly approaches the dressing screen.
Margot (as husband): I’m sorry. But you’re not- You don’t-
Margot: What. I’m not what.
Margot (as husband): You’re broken.
Margot: You’re on the make, aren’t you! You’re on the make with that Sally! That’s why you-
Margot (as husband): I’m not on the make with anyone.
Tilly pulls the dressing screen away to reveal Margot.
Tilly: Margot. What are you-?
Margot is lost in her “conversation.”
Margot: Like hell you’re not! I won’t let you do this! I won’t let you humiliate me and-
Margot (as husband): Humiliate you? YOU? You don’t know humiliation. You don’t know what it’s like to have the entire town looking at you like-
Margot: I know exactly what that’s like, you lying sonofa-
Tilly: Margot!!
