“Thank God.” Corbin flopped down across from me, and I held back my smile as Camden cringed. “Can I use your discount, man? I’m low on cash, and I don’t want to use my credit card.”
“I don’t work here anymore.” I cut my fingers through my hair as the entire table stared at me. “What?” I shrugged. “I quit last week.”
“Why?” Corbin asked, as if my quitting had been a personal affront.
Royal’s worried frown was hard to ignore. I let it anchor me as I spoke. More than anyone, he deserved the truth. “I was drinking too much. I need to be healthy, get my shit together if I want to prove to Coach I can be captain again next year.”
“For real?”
“Yeah, Corbin. For real.” I laughed, hoping no one heard the way it trembled, or noticed the few beads of sweat that had begun to form on my hairline.
“Good.” Royal held up his fist and I bumped it, ignoring the way my heart raced at my admission.
I had a problem.
A problem.
I wanted to drink.
Sweating because I wanted to drink.
Sweating because I wanted to pick a random girl from the growing swarm to make me forget for five minutes, maybe ten, about the life back in Rockport I carried on my shoulders. All because I’d felt that intimate pain crack down my chest, because I wanted that pain, because I liked the way Royal treated me with respect, because I wanted to deserve it.
“Kai?” Corbin’s brows furrowed. “Dude, did you hear me?”
I shook my head, the sound of the room rushing in around me.
“Don’t you need the money, though?”
“I picked up another part-time gig… on campus, actually…” I wiggled my eyebrows, trying to make light of the shitty job I’d accepted a few days ago. “Building maintenance.”
“What the hell do you know about maintaining buildings? You’re a business major.” Royal’s skeptical blue eyes danced with humor.
“My dad was a mechanic,” I argued.
“Not the same thing.” Camden’s cool tone made me laugh.
“Alright, it’s a fancy title for the guy who mops the floors and takes out the trash. Give me a break, it pays, and that’s all that matters.”
Corbin almost spit out his beer. “A janitor?”
“Yeah, shithead, a janitor, someone has to pick up after all you spoiled-rich idiots.”
I bit back my smirk as he back-peddled.
“I mean, yeah, cool, a janitor, that’s… you know… admirable.”
Royal tapped his fingers on the tabletop. “You should’ve applied for a library spot. I could ask…”
“There weren’t any. Trust me, this isn’t ideal, and it’s only temporary. Just until something better opens up, but working in a bar wasn’t a good option anymore. Sorry, Corbin, you’ll have to find some naïve girl to buy your drinks from now on.”
“For the record, I don’t need a girl to buy me drinks. And I don’t think you drink too much. I say this without any ulterior motives. You should get your job back.” Corbin stood, a slight scowl on his face as he assessed the crowd for an unwitting female to pick up his tab.
“For the record, I think—”
“Yeah, I know, Kai, I’m an idiot.” Corbin’s lips split into a smile, all teeth and sarcasm as he walked away.
Royal leaned in, asking in a voice I could barely decipher, “Are you doing okay, then? I mean, you’ve given up drinking altogether?”
I collapsed backward into the booth, scrubbing my clammy palms over my face with a long exhale. “For now.”
Camden spoke as he laced his fingers through Royal’s. “It’s probably weird being the third wheel, but if you need people to keep you on track, we’re here for you.”
I huffed out a laugh and bit the corner of my mouth. “Thanks, Dad.”
“You’re welcome.”
I was busy thinking up some witty comeback when my phone chimed in my pocket. Last semester I wouldn’t have hesitated to check the message, but I’d been avoiding so many people lately, the notification sound, that quiet chirp and vibration in my pocket had started to give me anxiety.
Daphne: So this is how it’s going to be?
This was exactly why I hated checking my messages. Shit. Another bad decision come round to collect. My thumb hovered over the screen, debating whether or not I should answer. Ghosting her wasn’t an option. This fucking campus was too small, and Rockport was even smaller.
Me: Hey, Daph.
Daphne: Hey, Daph? Really?
Me: I’d say I’m sorry but you wouldn’t believe me.
Daphne: No, I wouldn’t.
I waited a full minute before I let out a sigh and typed the one thing I should have had the balls to say to her in person.
Me: I fucked up.
“Well, look who it is.” The sound of her voice should’ve startled me, but I had a feeling she’d be here tonight. Daphne was always here, just like me, hiding her shit life inside a bottle. “Hey, Pink, grab us a few menus.”
Pink.
Indie was here, smiling and shiny, covered in more paint than usual. Pale blue and purple streaks covered her overalls, and the tips of her blonde braid were speckled with white. That damn braid. I couldn’t fathom how gorgeous she’d be, pink cheeked with a halo of gold on my pillow. My jaw strained enough, I felt it down to my molars. I wasn’t supposed to fucking think about her like this, I shouldn’t think of her at all. Her iced blue eyes found mine, sought me out as Daphne shoved in next to me, trapping me, pinning Camden up against the wall, and making it impossible for me to perform my disappearing act. I dropped her gaze, following the script in my head. She was invisible.
“Do you guys need a menu?” Indie asked, sweet and soft.
Last Tuesday we’d had an actual conversation, and ignoring her would make me seem like the biggest prick in the world. Camden and Royal both answered no, in unison, while I lifted my gaze and gave her a half-hearted smile and shook my head.
It would be a good thing if she hated me, if she only thought of me as her brother’s douchebag friend. But as she slid into the booth, menus in hand, and took a seat next to her brother, I didn’t want her to hate me. I liked the way she watched me, thinking I hadn’t noticed her noticing me as she handed Daphne the menus.
“Haven’t seen you around, Carter.” Daphne batted her lashes, flicking her tongue over the ring in her lip. “I’ve missed my barmaid.”
I wanted to slink away, panic wedged itself inside my throat as she leaned in, flirty as ever. I never hid the fact I was a whore, but I didn’t want it paraded in front of Indie. What happened between me and Daphne over winter break was a mistake, and maybe I was a dick for messing around with her in the first place, but she knew damn well what she’d wanted that night. Fueled by Jameson and anger, we’d both needed to feel something beside the disappointments of our day to day. We used each other to get off, and as callous as that sounded, she had been the one who’d set the rules.
One night, Kai. Can I just feel good for one night?
One night. No call backs.
She hadn’t texted me for the rest of the break, not even when classes had resumed. I hadn’t heard from Daphne until yesterday. She sent me a text asking if I wanted to meet her at the lake for drinks. I hadn’t responded. And never planned to.
“So, you get a new job or something?” Daphne pulled a flask from her pocket, bringing it to her lips, she took a long sip.
I watched as she screwed on the cap, thirsty for more than the water inside my glass. Jameson, Heineken, hell, even Budweiser would’ve made this awkward situation much more bearable.
“I did. I start next week.” She dangled the flask in front of my face from her fingers, offering me sin and absolution. I shook my head. “Can’t, we’ve got a meet in a few days.” With a fake smile, I gave her a gentle shove. “Move your ass, Daphne, I need to use the bathroom.”
She squeaked, always the drama queen, and stood, her smile just as fake as mine as sh
e murdered a southern accent. “So polite.”
“You know me, always the gentleman.” Her Cheshire grin fell, and I hid my shaking hands in my pockets. “Actually, I’m probably gonna take off.” I skated around the uncomfortable silence that had descended, capturing Royal’s attention, I asked, “Weights in the morning?”
“Bright and early.”
I steadied my hand enough to hold out my fist. Royal bumped his knuckles against mine. “You coming home tonight, Camden?”
I chuckled as he blushed all the way to the tips of his ears. “Probably, I need to practice.”
“Good, you know I can’t sleep without your moody bullshit in the background.” He rolled his eyes, my derisive choice of words making Royal snicker.
“You still have ear plugs from last semester, I imagine?” Camden asked, and I nodded, holding back my grin at the annoyed crease between his brows. “Then use them.”
Chuckling, I avoided Daphne’s pointed stare and shifted my gaze to the bit of sunlight sitting next to Royal. Indie’s head was tipped down, her purple fingernails picking the splatters of paint from her braid, and allowed myself to look at her, a small indulgence, before I left.
“I’ll see you in the morning, O’Connell.” The sentence was meant for Royal, but as Indie lifted her chin, her lips tilted into a shy smile, and fuck it all, I smiled back.
I couldn’t lie to myself and say I hadn’t hoped my transfer would land me in the same art history class as her. I also couldn’t deny I almost transferred out when I’d realized she was actually in the damn class. In the end, my masochistic tendencies won, and I kept the new schedule.
“Don’t be a stranger, Carter.” Daphne eyed me as I turned to leave.
She barely waited until I stepped outside to send me another text.
Daphne: Want to fuck up again? Meet me tonight.
The cotton mouth feel of my tongue, its sour taste, made me nauseous. I could say yes. Meet her somewhere, share a bottle, use each other until we were sloppy, and hated ourselves all over again.
Me: I can’t.
Daphne: You mean you won’t.
Me: You’re right. I don’t want to do that to you.
Daphne: Such a hero.
A hysterical, sad, humorless laugh forced itself from my lungs as my head fell back. Thick clouds parted, exposing tiny pin pricks of light that glittered against the purple and black sky. I sucked in the frigid air, the tip of my nose numb as a damp fog parted from my lips.
Hero.
Captain.
Not anymore.
It would be easy to type those three letters, but the last time I said yes to her, I’d wound up passed out in a garage and almost died.
Me: ‘Night, Daph.
I slipped my phone in my pocket, not expecting a reply, and started toward campus. When I was finally in my bed, sober as a rock, I checked my notifications.
Nothing.
I smiled.
I smiled because I’d done the right thing, and hopefully, this time, it wouldn’t cost me everything.
Kai
“I’m fine.”
Her soft laugh made the corners of my mouth ache for a smile. “Fine...” She hummed and the static sound crackled through the receiver and down my spine. It made me nostalgic for home. I pictured my mom sitting on the couch, her blanket over her feet like always, a book in her lap, and a cup of coffee at her side. Our house always smelled like coffee, it didn’t matter if it was ten in the morning or at night, the woman had a cup of coffee by her side. “Wasn’t it you who said women only say they’re fine when they’re ready for a fight?”
I could hear the humor in her voice, and I sank down onto the dorm room sofa feeling relieved she sounded healthy. “You seem… happy.”
She breathed out a sigh, probably at my blatant avoidance. “Today was one of the rare good ones. Sunshine kind of day.”
I wish you could still sit on the porch, I wanted to say, but instead asked, “Did home health come?”
“Don’t they always? I hate to say it… but I don’t think I like this new nurse. She threw away my coffee without asking if I was finished. She said it was bad for me. I mean…” What does it matter? I wanted to finish her sentence. I’m dying so what does it matter? But she said things in her own way, her own lay it down nice and gentle for the sake of our son sort of way. “If I want to drink coffee, I’ll drink coffee, life’s too short for this is bad and this is good.”
The angry, still volatile, part of me, the ever-present being that lived inside me, stretching itself out, long and permanent under my skin, begged me to tell her there were worse things than coffee. Dad, for starters. But I’d get the same answer as the nurse.
“I’m glad it’s a good day, Mom. Can you at least feel the sun, did the nurse leave the blinds open?”
“She did.” The silence thickened, and I could hardly breathe or swallow. “You’re allowed to have good days, too.”
I hung my head, my fingers pinching the bridge of my nose, desperate to push away the burn building beneath the lids of my eyes. “I’m getting there.” The gruff quality of my voice gave me away, and I heard her slight intake of breath.
“Kai,” she whispered.
“The therapist helped.” A lie.
“Kai.” She’d seen right through me all the way from Rockport.
“I’ll go. I promise.”
“Taking care of yourself is your only job. Repeat the words.”
“Mom, I’m not nine.”
“Repeat them.”
I chuckled at her watery laugh, wishing I could sit next to her on our porch again, peeling away the aged gray paint, turning over the splinters of wood in my hand, days with sunshine that would yawn for miles, when all I had to worry about was my father, making sure he’d set up her rocking chair, when everything felt impossibly optimistic and light. “Taking care of myself is my only job.”
“That’s my Kai bear.”
I shook my head, but couldn’t stop my smile from spreading, from cracking me open a little bit wider. “You, too, Mom, you need to take care of you, lay off the coffee.”
“Anything for you.”
Camden’s bedroom door opened and he emerged sleep tousled. His hair stuck up and out in every way but down as he yawned, lifting his arms over his head like a cat, his signature, disgruntled expression on his brow.
“Gotta go, Mom. Be nice to the new nurse, you can’t keep running the young ones off, Rockport is small, you’ll end up nurse-less.”
“Now that would be a good day.”
“Love you.
“Love you, too. Therapy… Kai, don’t—”
“Harpy.”
“Bull.”
I laughed out loud. “Tuesday.”
“Thank you.”
I hung up the phone as Camden plopped down on the other side of the couch.
“You and your mom have the weirdest conversations.” His silver green eyes were at half mast, sleepy, he leaned back and yawned again. “Why does your mom need a nurse?”
He stared at me, waiting for an answer, but I was struck by the fact Royal had never told him. He’d kept my secret, even to his boyfriend.
“Hey, I’m sorry, it’s your business, I shouldn’t—”
“She’s not well.”
Cold crept its way up my neck, making every part of my body feel stiff and used. Telling Royal about my mom, then Daphne, now Camden, every person who knew the truth made my mom’s death sentence that more real. “She has MS. Multiple sclerosis. One of the worst kinds. She has good days, and bad days, but the bad days are fucking winning, and I—”
The air in my lungs disappeared, making it difficult to form a sentence. My ribs squeezed as I fought myself, fought the emotion that would lead me down a dangerous path, the path I couldn’t travel anymore, not if I wanted to be here for her. Not if I wanted to have some semblance of a life when she was gone.
A shuddered, weak breath passed my lips. “And I’m falling apart.”
Camden’s posture was as frozen as I felt. “I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t need you to say anything. It’s nothing new, she’s been fighting this for years.”
“I had no idea.” He shook his head. “I mean, I had a feeling there was more going on with you, the drinking was…”
The muscle in my jaw contracted. “Save it. I have a problem. I know.”
“I’m your friend, Kai. What you did for me, I’m here if you need help, if you need—”
I stood. “You don’t owe me anything.”
He exhaled a defeated sigh. “I know that.” Camden unfolded his long limbs and stood, resting a warm palm on my shoulder, he caught me off guard. He wasn’t the touchy-feely type, at least not with anyone besides Royal. “I have a mother who threw me away like I was a useless piece of garbage, and if my dad called me tomorrow to tell me she was sick, I’d still mourn her. Being alone sucks, I did it for years…” I opened my mouth to speak and he held up his other hand to shut me up. “I know you have friends, girls, but you’re alone, Kai, and you don’t have to be.” He released his grip on my shoulder.
“Noted.” I gave him the best smile I could muster. “You know, if the whole music gig doesn’t work, you could probably take Brian’s job.”
“Who’s Brian?”
“My new therapist.”
“You have a therapist?”
“Yeah, I guess I do.”
Camden’s phone rang, and his eyes darted to his bedroom door. I laughed. “Tell Royal I said I’ll see him in the gym.”
He hesitated, but gave in with a nod. I planned to razz him later about how fast he practically ran to grab his phone. A lot of shit in my life had taken a nosedive, a full-on spiral down, but I kept reminding myself some things had turned out okay. I pushed open my bedroom door to grab my stuff for the gym, and as I lifted my backpack, the sketch book I always carried fell from a large, unzipped pocket. It flipped open as it hit the carpet and a pair of blue eyes stared back at me. This was the first drawing I’d rendered in a long time, Indie sitting on the couch at the therapist’s office. I’d gotten the length of her chin all wrong, and her cheek bones were too thin, but as I knelt down, I let my fingers run over the dark gray lines of the pencil, smudging heavy shadows along the page.
Seven Shades of You Page 5
