“I expected a chill Christmas with my mom, time to process everything with school. My dad being home was like the whipped topping on the mountain of shit that was my life. I finished off a long night of drinking with another bottle of vodka, passed out in a running car inside the garage.”
“Oh my God.”
“I don’t think I meant to do it, but maybe I did. I can’t remember much, but I know I wanted to go somewhere. I couldn’t be in that house anymore. And once I got in the car, I was too tired to move. Bone tired, Indie, and I fell asleep.”
“You could’ve—”
“Died.”
We didn’t speak for what felt like an eternity. Her eyes glued to the painting, I started to sweat. I hadn’t ever felt this weak in my entire life.
“Kai… ” Indie looked up finally. She was so small compared to me. The top of her head barely level with the center of my chest, but I knew she was the bigger person. “It was an accident?” she said, but it sounded more like a question.
“I told you I was a self-centered asshole. I put my mom through the scariest night of her life all because I have daddy issues.”
“You didn’t get into a fight with Ellis because you’re self-centered, Kai. You did it to protect Royal. It’s the same with your dad, you’re not standing up to him because you think you’ll gain anything from it. You do it because your mom can’t. You’re selfless. That’s the problem. You think nothing of what you do for others, for yourself, and you almost threw it all away because, yes, you had a self-indulgent moment, but you’re getting help.”
“I was forced to get help.”
“Semantics… you’re going, right?”
“Right.”
She exhaled a rough breath. “Then that’s all that matters.”
She was over-simplifying, something Royal usually did, and I couldn’t help it, I smiled.
“It’s cute how much you’re like your brother sometimes.”
She lifted a doubtful brow. “Cute?”
“Or weird, but I was trying to be nice.”
She shoved me, her small hand barely registering on my bicep and I chuckled. The moment came and went, and the silence that fell wasn’t uncomfortable. We were two kids, with scars made by two different blades, hoping that maybe one of those scars matched. At least, I hoped. Even if hoping for her was the dumbest thing I could ever do.
“I would have preferred weird,” she said, her smile pulling wide.
Knowing her was worse than watching her; at least from afar I could create reasons to stay away. Up close, like this, with her scent in my lungs, and her heat in the air, not even Royal was justification enough to stay away. As if the universe agreed to disagree, my phone chirped in my pocket.
Indie gave me a polite smile as I checked the message.
Royal: Where are you? We’re grabbing dinner at Annie’s. Want us to bring anything back to the dorm?
I typed out a quick text, not wanting to face the fact I should probably tell him I was with Indie. I was a self-proclaimed man-whore with a drinking problem. Not exactly the type of guy you’d want hanging around your sister. I was anxious that Royal wouldn’t approve. He was the one who’d made the passive-aggressive joke about not choosing his sister over him. I’d gotten his meaning.
Stay away.
Me: Already ate. Thanks.
Royal: Will you be headed home soon?
Me: If you’re asking if you and Camden have time to bone, then yes, bang your little hearts out.
Royal: I think you need to talk to your therapist about your unhealthy obsession with my sex life.
Me: Or maybe we could talk to the dean and you could give me your single dorm and I wouldn’t have to listen to your sex life.
Royal: We listened to yours all last semester.
Me: Touché.
Laughing, I could feel Indie’s curious gaze.
Royal: We’re staying at my place tonight, asshole. But figured if you were home, we could’ve all hung out instead.
Me: Aww… sorry my plans ruined your threesome fantasies.
Royal: See you in the morning.
Me: Use a condom.
Grinning and proud of myself, I slipped my phone back in my pocket. Indie had cleaned up our take-out, placing the half-empty boxes back into the bag.
“Thanks,” I said and pulled the bag toward me, tying the handles into a knot.
“No problem.” She picked at the hem of her sweater, not giving me eye contact.
Everything I’d admitted suddenly seemed like a giant black cloud in the room.
“Did you still want to paint?” I asked.
She glanced at the pocket where my phone chirped again. “I’d like to… you’re sure you don’t have somewhere else to be?”
“Nah, that was Royal asking me if I wanted anything from Annie’s.”
“Oh.” Indie bit the corner of her mouth. Looking at me from under the veil of gold lashes, she asked, “Does he know you’re here?”
A pit formed in the center of my stomach. Unsure if she would want him to know, if she’d think I was hiding it, which I kind of was. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
“No.” I took a step toward her. “Should I have told him?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I don’t usually check in with Royal and tell him my whereabouts.”
“Okay.” She tugged the sleeve of her sweater. “Do you want him to know?”
“Know what?” I played dumb, hating myself for it when she blushed.
“That you were here. With me.”
“Do you?” I turned the question around, making it her choice.
Damn it, I didn’t want her to think she was a secret. I wanted to be friends with her. Just friends. It didn’t matter how easy those bottomless blue eyes twisted me up.
“I don’t want him to know you’re going to teach me how to swim.”
Not the answer I had expected. I wanted to ask why, but I let it slide. “Done.”
She exhaled. “Thanks.”
I debated if I should ask, but the selfish parts of me, the parts she refused to notice asked anyway. I liked having this, possibly having her to myself for a few hours a week. Something no one knew about. Something that was mine. “Would you mind keeping this between us, too? You teaching me how to paint?”
Indie paused, and maybe she was going to ask why, but let it slide, too. Giving me a small smile, she said, “Of course.” She tipped her chin toward the supply closet. “Grab a canvas. I want to work on landscapes.”
“Landscapes?”
“Anything you want… forests, oceans, mountains…”
“How about the sky?”
“Like a sunset?”
“No, open, clear and blue.” Like your eyes. “Stretched low to the horizon, I think.”
Her lips spread gradually, her smile revealing itself in stages of excitement. “Simple, but more.”
“Definitely more.”
Kai
Sleep was one of the things I missed about drinking every night. The black, empty, and bottomless dreams were long gone, opening up sharp points of light, restless, and illuminating. Dreams that were impossible to sleep through, waking me sometimes three or four times a night. My five o’clock alarm was rendered useless, already my eyes fixed on the bright blue sky I’d painted the night before. I’d painted a wish. A wish for my mother, for myself, even for my fucking father. I wished everything could be as simple as that open sky. That my dreams weren’t as violent, that I was capable of forgiveness.
Sweat lingered on my forehead as I pushed back the covers and got dressed in a pair of sweats and a long-sleeve t-shirt. I didn’t even bother to look in the mirror, knowing already the dark circles under my eyes would only piss me off. The pain in my shoulder grated as I reached down and grabbed my gym bag. I opened my bedroom door, and made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth before leaving for the gym. It was early but I wanted to get there before Royal.
I’d stay
ed at the studio until midnight working on my painting with his sister, and thanks to my screwed-up brain, the little sleep I’d counted on was wasted. I needed some time to clear my head, figure out how I planned to avoid telling him I’d started a relationship with his sister. Even if we were only friends. Friends who had a secret trapped inside an art studio, and maybe one of those friends wanted to be more than just friends. Maybe he wished he could stop thinking about other said friend’s fucking pink lips for five seconds. Lying to Royal about my friendship with Indie was my only option. She’d asked me not to tell him, and I’d asked the same of her. If dishonesty was the only way I’d get to spend time with her, for now, I’d rather lie by omission than point blank. I was good at rationalization when I needed to be, and for argument’s sake, Royal didn’t need to know. Not yet.
Coach was already in the locker room when I arrived, listening to the morning sports news radio. I didn’t offer him a hello, just my usual smile and wave as I headed to my locker. Like always, he nodded his chin, his lips parted with a stilted hello, and I felt his gaze on my back as I made my way to my locker. He’d never outright ask, but his heavy-handed assessment every morning, judging if I was hungover, was easy enough to read. I didn’t blame him. My sobriety was a day-to-day challenge and everybody on the team knew it. It was why I got here early on the days I didn’t walk with Royal. It was why I busted my ass at every practice.
Show.
Prove.
Some of the guys had begun to stumble into the locker room as I left. The smell of the gym, sweat and hard work, was a weak comfort as I sat on the bench press waiting for Royal. I stared at the phone in my hand. Last night’s dream still a thick fog surrounding me; I clicked on my father’s name in my contacts, and opened up a message.
I want you to tell him. That’s your assignment for next time.
In my dream, more like a nightmare, I’d gone home to talk to my father. He’d told me my mother had died, and I’d tried to speak, but my words had only choked me, suffocated me, until I was on my knees, sobbing, with blood on my hands. When I’d raised my head again, his face had been mangled, and the joy I’d felt at seeing his tortured expression—it made me sick. The nausea real. It happened like this, often, I’d wake up to the sound of my mother gasping, and it didn’t matter how many times I tried to think of something else, the dream always happened. Nothing changed. All the elements the same, and, as I typed out the words on the screen, my fingers shook with the fear I’d set this recurring dream into motion.
Me: Will you be around this Sunday?
I pressed send and the burn returned to my throat. The gym door slammed open, a boom of laughter and deep voices spread through the empty room. Royal trailed behind, the smile on his face made me smile, a temporary fix. A twinge of guilt damped my grin as he approached, his eyes reminded me of Indie.
“You didn’t wait for me?” he asked.
Standing, I motioned for him to sit. “I didn’t lift one pound, I promise.” I held my hands up in surrender. “Do you nag your boyfriend as much as you nag me?” I asked, looking for a couple of twenty-pound weights to add to the bar.
“No. I don’t need to nag him.” He smirked.
“’Cause you’re so good at giving head, right?” Sherman’s scowl killed Royal’s smirk on the spot.
I was about to intervene, stand up for him, when Royal stood from the bench and shrugged. His nonchalance a front I hoped only I could see through. “Why? Are you asking for a demonstration?”
“Fuck you, fa—”
“I swear to God, Sherman,” I said, balling my hands into fists.
Royal stepped in front of me, his eyes on mine. “Leave it, I don’t care. If he has such a problem with my sexuality, it only calls into question his own.”
“Sherman, stop acting like a third grader with a crush and pick on someone you actually have a chance with.” Corbin sat on the bench next to the leg press and patted the cushion.
The invitation was met with a glare and a middle finger.
“Oh, he’s full of it today, isn’t he?” Corbin’s smile bordered on giddy, and I chuckled as Sherman stalked off to the other side of the room.
Most of the guys gave him a wide berth with chuckles of their own.
Annoyed and itching to punch something, I said, “That guy’s a prick.”
“Wants Royal’s prick.”
“Shut up, Corbin.” Royal attempted not to smile and failed.
“It’s the truth.” Corbin grinned. “Twenty bucks says he comes out by the end of the semester.”
“Don’t you have weights to lift?” I asked Corbin.
“You’ll see. Maybe he’ll bring Ellis to the Spring Fling.”
“That’s not funny,” I barked, any humor I had left dissipated with the mention of that asshole’s name.
“Spring Fling?” Royal asked.
“Come on, you haven’t heard?” he asked and Royal shook his head. “Every spring, Greek Row puts together a themed dance to raise money for the athletic department. It’s epic. The senior class tries to best the previous class’s attempt.”
Royal laughed. “And here I thought I was done with stupid high school dances.”
Corbin’s forehead creased into a serious line. “Dude. You have no idea. Spring Fling isn’t a dance. It’s tradition.”
“It’s just a dance… and a reason for people to get shitfaced and laid,” I added.
“You haven’t gone to one so you’re not part of this convo.”
“Corbin.” I placed my hand on his shoulder. “I beg you. Go away. It’s too early for any of this shit.”
“Whatever. I’m going again, and you should bring Camden, leave this boring asshole home.”
Royal smiled as Corbin walked away. “Didn’t take him for a formal dance kind of guy.”
“Don’t let him fool you, he just goes for the alcohol and sorority girls.”
“Figures.”
After weights, we showered and walked to Beckett to meet Camden and Indie. Usually this would be my cue to leave, I’d go grab something fast and eat it on my way to the library. But I didn’t want to avoid her anymore.
“You taking off?” Royal asked as we entered the loud, overheated cafeteria.
“Nah, since I changed my schedule I have an extra hour before my next class.”
“Sweet.”
We decided on breakfast burritos, which Camden said had become a Thursday morning ritual. I watched as they stacked several containers of green salsa on their tray, and followed behind them to the table. I kept my eyes on her the entire way across the room, she kept her head down, busy reading a book as she stirred her coffee with a spoon. Indie’s hair was, surprise, surprise, braided, long and gold, over her right shoulder. She had on a turquoise, hooded sweatshirt, and I couldn’t wait to see how the color would reflect inside her eyes. She didn’t look up from her book once, not even for her brother when he offered her a good morning.
We all took a seat and Camden asked her, “Has he made it to the castle yet?”
Even then, her eyes never left the page, and I watched as she lifted her finger, a small smile blooming on her lips.
Too curious, I asked, “What are you reading?”
Instantly, she raised her head, her cheeks turning the brightest shade of red I’d ever seen. And like I’d hoped, her eyes had absorbed the color of her sweatshirt, and I couldn’t look away.
“The Empire of Solistar,” Camden answered for her.
“It’s a book my Uncle Liam told them about over the holidays. It’s based off of some children’s book he loved as a kid. I don’t understand the appeal.” Royal gave his sister a teasing smile.
“It’s romantic,” she said quietly.
“It’s a series,” Royal said, taking a bite out of his burrito, completely oblivious to the shade of his sister’s cheeks.
“What’s a series?” Dev asked as he sat next to Indie, and Corbin took the other seat on her left.
Camden explaine
d for the next five minutes the ins and outs of some dude named The Painted Prince, and the entire time, my breakfast sat on my tray, untouched as I tried not to look at her, frustrated with myself as I lingered over her smile, or stared at the paint under her fingernails. The same paint I’d watched drip down her fingers as she’d poured her version of the sun onto a canvas last night. Silence was what I had always given her, but here, now, watching Dev and Corbin tease her, playfully bump their shoulders into hers, Dev’s hand only inches from her hand, it was torture. Jealousy and irritation sank into the pit of my stomach.
I stood abruptly and Indie was the only one who noticed. Her full, soft bottom lip pulled through her teeth, her gaze curious and unsure. I was sure everyone had gone quiet, there was no way the people at this table couldn’t feel the tension. It coiled in every one of my muscles as I bent down to grab my gym bag.
When her eyes met mine again, I’d found my breath, and I gave her a secret smile before I spoke to no one in particular. “I forgot, I’ve got to meet one of my professors before class.”
“The teaching assistant job?” Royal asked, and I nodded as I threw my wrapped burrito onto his tray.
“Teaching assistant?” Dev asked.
“I’ll let Royal fill you guys in.” I raised my chin, and Indie’s lips spread into a quiet smile of her own. “See you later.”
I’d addressed her and her alone, but I didn’t think anyone noticed.
Before I could leave, Royal asked, “Dinner after practice tonight?”
“I might have to work.”
“Let me know.”
“Will do.”
I didn’t chance another look in her direction, and waited until I was outside to pull my phone from my pocket.
Me: Swim lesson tonight.
I was almost down the stairs before my phone chirped.
Indie: I told you I didn’t have a suit.
Seven Shades of You Page 12
