by Kim Karr
I feel slightly nervous about introducing Grace to River. Although Grace is the woman who helped me through my adolescent years by teaching me how to drive, taking me shopping for my prom dress, helping me fill out my college applications, and even bringing me to my first gynecologist visit to put me on birth control, she’s also Ben’s mother. I’m sure she will accept a new man in my life, in fact I know she will, but nonetheless it will be awkward to introduce my once fiancé’s mother to my new boyfriend at her house. Because she’s an amazing woman and because I love her as if she were my mother, I want her to meet him and him to meet her. She’s who I aspire to be.
She’s shorter than I am with shoulder length blonde hair. Her creamy porcelain skin never ages and her deep blue eyes are always tranquil. She’s not only beautiful, but she sees the world through rose-colored glasses. She very rarely lets anything get her down. She’s strong and independent, fun and loving, caring and nurturing. She’s everything a girl would want in a mother, and I was lucky to have her willingly take on that role when my own loving mother no longer could.
Serena is also an amazing woman whom I’m sure will accept that I have a new man in my life. She helped me through her brother’s death with such love and understanding, I feel like she is my sister too.
Walking down the stone-paved driveway toward River, I notice he’s on the phone in his car. I stop, and glancing over my shoulder, I just stare at the ocean that makes me instantly smile. I love everything about the beach: its smell, its sounds, the surf, and its nature perfect picture. I haven’t walked on it in so long. I actually haven’t dipped my toes in the sand since . . . I shake that thought out of my head. I have enough sad thoughts I’m trying to push aside. The beach is a constant reminder of Ben. Each time I’ve come to Grace’s over the past two years, I’ve stayed inside, refusing to recognize or embrace the calm beauty of nature’s most magnificent and amazing wonder. Now I welcome it. I’ve missed it, and I want to run towards it.
“Hey, you okay?” he says, closing his car door.
I turn, and instead of running to the beach, I run to him. Watching him inhale the crisp clean breeze, I throw my arms around his neck and inhale his fresh scent. He feels just like a warm breeze with its entire splendor as he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly.
“I’m more than okay,” I say as I pull back and stand there, closing my eyes. I open my arms wide, feeling the beauty of the ocean and letting my own residual sadness be swept away by the sea air. I hear chuckling, and suddenly, soft lips and strong hands meld to me. I now know that he’s my home. The house we just left is now nothing but a house. Tugging on his hand, I pull him toward the front door. “Come on, I have some special ladies I want you to meet.”
Grace must have heard the cars in the driveway because she steps outside before we can knock. She’s wearing a simple wrap dress and flat sandals with her usual diamond earrings and the wedding band she’s never removed, even though her husband died more than twenty years ago.
She smiles at me with relief in her eyes before she throws her arms around me. “Dahlia honey, are you okay?” she asks as she pulls back and clutches my shoulders.
“Grace, the house is a wreck,” I say, trying not to cry. “But, I’m fine.”
She stares at me for a few seconds. I know she’s making sure that I really am okay because she’s searching my eyes like she does every time she sees me.
Just as I’m about to introduce her to River, she beats me to it.
She smiles and puts her hand out to him. “Hi, you must be River,” she says with a warm comforting look in her blue eyes. “It’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you.”
River immediately responds with an adorable grin on his face. “Mrs. Covington, it’s nice to meet you too. I’ve heard just as many about you,” he says, shaking her hand. He really is charming.
“Call me Grace,” she says as she drops his hand and hugs him. I hear her whisper, “Thank you,” in his ear, and his grin turns into a full megawatt smile, which in turn makes me smile and melts my heart.
Looking around, I notice Serena’s car isn’t here. “Where’s Serena?”
“She had to pick Trent up at a basketball game and take him to a friends, so she couldn’t make it.”
“Oh, that’s too bad,” I say, a little sad that she couldn’t be here. “I’ll call her later.”
Staring out toward the beach, I think, yes, I’m still upset about my house and everything that is destroyed, but I see hope in my future and that is worth smiling about. Grace looks at me and I don’t make her search for anything, instead I give her my biggest brightest smile, the one that finally reappeared the day I reconnected with River.
MEMORIES
All of my memories have kept you close
In silent moments I’ve imagined here
In silent tears I promised to keep you near
I’ve finally found my way back into this life
Give me a sign you’re okay so I can move on.
Leaning into my car, he softly kisses my lips. “You can stay here you know. You don’t have to go back,” he says for the second time since we woke up. He pulls back and caresses my cheek. I sigh and look up at his pleading eyes, then shift to take in all of his beautiful face, strong chin, perfect nose, and full lips.
Looking down to avoid eye contact, I move my mouth to his hand. “River, we’ve talked about this. We can’t move in together after knowing each other for one week.” I say this, but I’m aware that he knows it’s not my only reason for heading back to Laguna Beach.
“I disagree, you know,” he grins as his eyes slide from my face to the words printed on my Smashing Pumpkins Teargarden Tour concert t-shirt. “You could at least stay one more night.”
Rolling my eyes, I look back up at him and smile. “Then tomorrow you‘d just say the same thing.”
He surprises me but not saying how hot he thinks I look, but instead simply says, “You think you know me that well already?”
“Well wouldn’t you?”
Shrugging his shoulders, he leans in again and kisses me a little longer this time before saying, “Why don’t you stick around and find out for yourself?”
I laugh and shove him out the window. “Enough with the long goodbyes. I’ll see you in two days.”
Moving away from the car and putting both hands in his pockets, he grins his sexy grin at me. “Catch you later, beautiful girl.”
Gazing at him and giggling at his reference to one of my favorite Smashing Pumpkins songs, Perfect, I blow him a kiss. “I’ll call you when I get there. Oh, and River?” I wait for him to look at me. When he does I say to him, for only the second time ever, “I love you.”
Smiling at me, he quickly opens my door and pulls me to him. My heart responds to his touch as it starts to beat faster. I close my eyes and lean into him, he smells so good, fresh from the shower. I press my palms against his chest and I swear I not only feel his heart beating but also hear it just as loudly. He cups my chin and looks at me intensely. “I love you so much.”
Traffic is light, as I drive the sixty minutes or so back to Laguna Beach. I’m enjoying the tranquility of the enchanting starry night as I reflect back on the past week and how my life has changed so drastically. My emotions range from high to low, I’m happy and I’m sad.
Glancing over at the empty passenger seat while stopped at a red light, I pick up the small black rectangular picture frame I put there yesterday. The glass is gone, but the photograph, still perfect, is of my father, mother, and myself at Disneyland. I clutch it tightly against my chest remembering the fun we always had together. God, I wish they were still here with me. I miss them so much.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I’m driving, but they are tears of reflection more than sadness. We were able to collect most of my memories. Yes, most are broken and in need of repair, but I still have them to keep and treasure. The only unsalvageable items were Ben’s journals. As River crated
the broken photographs and frames, I flattened all Ben’s hand scripted pages, flattened them, and put them in a box. I’d never read his most private thoughts and I don’t think I ever will, but I want to keep them nonetheless.
Over the course of the week, I’d finally let Ben go. He will always be with me, but I have made room for someone else in my heart now. Grace’s words echo in my mind right now as I recall our goodbye last night standing outside my car. She knew I would be back tonight, but we both were aware that when I returned I would no longer be Ben Covington’s fiancé, as I’d often been referred to after his death.
Last night, as I took the engagement ring that I’d tucked away so many days ago out of my purse, I clutched it tightly before handing it to her. River was waiting for me in his car. I was going to follow him home in mine. Glancing over at him, I smiled and took a deep breath. I knew the time was right. “Grace, please keep it safe for me.”
She hugged me tightly. “Dahlia honey, I will. You deserve to be happy and you’re ready for this, for him,” she said, looking over the man she knew I loved. “Don’t cling to the remnants of your life that have been snatched away from you. Instead, look forward to your future. I know I do.” We were both crying as we said goodbye. I knew then that when I arrived at her house tonight she would be the same loving woman she always has been, but she would no longer be my future mother-in-law.
Now, driving down Grace’s street I stop at the end of the stone driveway and slowly walk to the beach. I haven’t visited our favorite spot since he died, and I’ve missed it. The moonlit path is visible, and the old weathered planks creak beneath my feet as I cross the divide like I’ve done a thousand times before. Looking up, the dark heavens are shining with twinkling stars, and I truly believe my family and Ben are smiling down on me. The waves splash through the surf, and it’s music to my ears. The full moon’s beams reflect off the glistening sand and make it sparkle like diamonds. The ebb and flow of the water moves quickly, crashing against the rocks as the white froth of sea dances across the shore.
I bend down and untie my sneakers. Taking my Converse shoes off, I tuck my phone in one and leave them in the dunes. Inhaling deeply, I hesitantly start my walk through what I have thought of as quicksand for the past two years.
As the moonlight flickers across the beach, it’s as if the exhilarated moon is blinking its eyes at me, guiding my way to the beloved shore. I feel like this place is readying me for the peaceful nights that will hopefully come after I leave, after I say my goodbyes.
The soft sand feels like grains of sugar beneath my feet and it comforts me as I approach the shore. Reaching the water, I release the breath I’ve been holding and think of Ben in the surf, on his board enjoying the waves. Thoughts of all our fun times here on the beach make me smile.
A cool wind blows through the air with determination, as if it’s trying to get somewhere. The beautiful palm trees, bent back from so many past storms, seem close enough to almost kiss the ground.
I roll up my jeans as the healing water swirls around me, creating a whirlpool effect around my ankles. Looking out into the darkness, the ocean seems to be laughing as it bounces up and down.
I sit down and slowly immerse myself in the water, taking deep cleansing breaths. I sit here, for I don’t know how long, and let the water wash away my pain as I reacquaint myself with one of my favorite places. I know I’ll never forget Ben regardless of the tangible things I may have lost; his spirit will always be with me.
Standing up, I look back up to the heavens and smile. I will never stay away from this place again. I love the beach, not despite the memories I have of it, but because of them. I realize that although my memories might fade, they will always be the beacons on my path to the future, and I’m surprisingly at ease with that.
As I head back to Grace’s house and approach the dunes, I laugh out loud as I hear Justin Timberlake’s voice sing through the night. “Hey sexy.”
I hear a chuckle on the other end of the phone. “That’s my line, sexy girl. Miss me yet?”
“I’ve only been gone a few hours,” I say, walking back to my car. “But yeah, I do.”
MILES APART
We are miles apart, but you’re in my heart
I think about you all the time
We could make believe we’re not living apart
Or you could consider turning it into reality
Just remember you’re always in my heart.
River’s POV
December 2011 - 3 weeks later…
Waking up to the sound of water pelting against the windows again doesn’t really bother me because I know we won’t be getting out of this warm, comfortable bed to go running, at least until the rain lets up anyway. She’s lying next to me, and I love how content she makes me feel. I love her, everything about her. She’s beautiful, tall, thin, and has these amazingly sweet doe-eyes that just give her such a look of innocence and make me want to always keep her safe. But it isn’t only her beauty that draws me to her; it’s many things. She’s fun, playful, curious, and strong. She’s always up for an adventure. She loves the outdoors and takes every opportunity to photograph the beauty she sees in it. She might never keep her phone charged and her emails might pile up, but she always keeps in touch with the people she cares about. She’s not pretentious. She’s kind and compassionate; she offers money to almost everyone we pass that asks for it. Her purse is so heavy because she always has about seven dollars in change at the bottom of it. She’s simply amazing.
Rolling to my side, I rest my head on my elbow and start to slide my hand up the inside of her thigh so I can feel her smooth soft skin. She shifts to face me. I lean in to kiss her and look at her beautiful face. “Good morning sleepy girl,” I mutter, feeling a little sleep deprived myself. I know she must be tired because she never wakes up after me. At least she doesn’t wake up at sunrise every morning thanks to the blackout shades that we installed in the bedroom.
“Good morning,” she says, stretching her arms and smiling at me. She settles back down, snuggling into me, and gives me a good morning kiss. I love it when, in the middle of our kiss, I can feel her smiling.
She pulls away, still grinning, and says, “Ready?”
Looking down the sheet at myself, I smirk, “Yeah, I’m ready.” Okay, so I guess she wants to skip the foreplay this morning.
“Great! Let’s go then,” she says, pushing me out of bed as she hops off and heads to the bathroom.
“Dahlia! No, really? In the rain? Now?” is about all I can say because I was so ready but not for running.
After our five-mile run, we stop to walk the last stretch on the street that leads back to the house. We stayed in the neighborhood and didn’t veer down the trails. We’re walking side by side, and she’s telling me about Aerie’s new boyfriend and is not bothered at all by the rain. Suddenly she stops, bends down, and starts taking off her sneakers and socks.
Breathing heavily from the run, I stop too, extremely curious as to what the hell she’s doing. “Dahlia what are you doing?”
“Taking my shoes off.”
“I can see that. Why?”
“Because silly, I want to jump in the puddles.”
She says that like I’m a dumbass and should’ve known. God, I fucking love her. The raindrops fall, but all I can see is the beautiful girl in front of me. She doesn’t have to worry that her broken pearl necklaces won’t bring her magic anymore because she’s the magic.
As I continue to watch her with amazement and wonder, I no longer simply see rain falling from the sky. In my mind, the drops have become the tiny small wishing wells she once described to me and they are gathering all around her. I have this overwhelming urge to grant this girl her every wish, but at the same time, that fucking terrifies me. What if she doesn’t want me to be her happily ever after? What if the connection she had with him can’t be broken? What if he was her happily ever after?
These are the thoughts that scare the shit out of me and
keep me from pushing our relationship too far, too fast. What if she loves him more than me? Will she always love him more? As if having to compete for Dahlia’s love against a ghost isn’t hard enough, knowing the things I know about him just makes me hate him more. But what I know about him, I’d never tell her. I’d never hurt her that way.
After she jumps from puddle to puddle, she closes her eyes and raises her arms out to the side. She tips her head back and spins in circles like this is something people do every day. Her spirit mesmerizes me, and although I never met her Grammy, I know that woman’s spirit is alive inside this girl.
Smiling, I walk over to her and her eyes open. She’s blinking away the raindrops when I grab her face, pulling her to me. I kiss her hard; hoping some of her magic will rub off on me. Slowing down, I never break our connection as I concentrate on making sure this kiss lets her know how much I truly love her. When she starts to quiver, I know I’ve accomplished my goal.
“Surprise!” she yells, opening her trunk. Once we got back from our run, we took a shower, and she decided to run some errands while I talked to Xander about the contract negotiations.
Cocking my head to the side and raising an eyebrow, I peek inside the trunk. “What are we doing with these, running a daycare center?”
Shaking her head, she pouts her lips as she points to the boxes. “Do three year olds play Backgammon?” Every time she pouts her lips, all I want to do is kiss her.
“I don’t know what three year olds play, but I do know what twenty-six, soon to be twenty-seven year olds play, and it’s a lot more fun,” I answer, pulling her to me and kissing her soft lips.
