by Alice Hunter
It’s the usual scene when I reach nursery, bar one exception. Still no Julia. Disappointment merges with concern. She might simply be ill, or avoiding me; but what if there’s more to it? An argument with Matt? She’d had a fair bit to drink when she opened up about him and about their relationship last night. It’s possible she picked a drunken fight with him when she got home. Could be why he gave me such a glare this morning.
My concern is thankfully short-lived as I see her walk out of the classroom. She obviously went straight inside – must have been talking to Zoey, rather than standing outside waiting with her usual group. Her face is practically hidden with oversized sunglasses, and, given the overcast weather, I hazard a guess she’s using them as a means of disguising her hangover – dark circles; bags; no make-up, perhaps.
‘Hiya, my little one,’ I say, as Poppy exits the building, Zoey directly behind her. Oh, God, something must’ve happened. ‘What’s the matter?’ My voice catches. I swallow hard.
‘You’re taking Jess Knight too today?’ Zoey says. Of course. She’s just checking before she allows Jess home with me. Nothing bad has happened.
‘Yes, Adam asked me earlier. He’s going to be delayed at work.’
‘I just need you to sign a form,’ she says. I follow her into the covered entrance, out of the wind, and scribble my signature to say I’ve had permission to pick Jess up. Then I take Poppy’s and Jess’s hands, one in each of mine, and walk to the gate. Both of them are excitable, which is lovely to see.
Luckily, I catch Julia before she crosses over. I only want a brief chat to check she’s okay.
‘Well, that was quite the distraction you offered me last night,’ I say lightly, grinning.
‘Gosh, wasn’t it?’ Julia leans forward and whispers, ‘Maybe one bottle would’ve sufficed.’ She flicks her hair behind one shoulder and turns away from me. ‘Catch you another time, Beth. Must run.’
I watch her hasty retreat, an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m relieved she’s not off with me, but she was quick to get away, so not exactly friendly either considering our heart-to-heart last night. I think I’ll text her later; let her know I’m not going to say anything to anyone else. Put her mind at ease. She must be feeling embarrassed at having shared so much with me.
Back at the cottage, I set the girls up on the kitchen table with Play-Doh and a load of different cutters, ask Alexa to play my uplifting playlist, and begin to prepare their tea. For this moment in time, everything appears normal, carefree, and happy. I find myself loudly singing along to ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’, and like any good illusion, I feel the emotion, despite everything.
At spot on six, there’s a knock on the door.
‘Daddy!’ Jess shouts.
Adam hands me a bottle of wine as soon as I open the door. I let him in and take it from him, my eyes narrowing.
‘A little thank you,’ he says, in response to my questioning glance. ‘And I didn’t want you to feel guilty about drinking it, so I walked here so I could share a glass with you.’
‘Oh, really?’ I say. ‘I’m not sure about sharing.’
He gives a gentle shake of his head. ‘Well, obviously I’m only going to have one. I am the responsible adult after all.’
‘That’s what I thought.’
After Jess and Poppy have run around him for a few minutes, they go into the lounge to watch some telly.
‘I hope I’ve worn her out for you,’ I say. ‘Shall I pop the cork now?’ I don’t mention it’ll be my second evening in a row to drink.
‘Yes, do.’ He glances around, his eyes not settling on anything.
‘Everything all right?’ I ask.
‘Yes, sorry. I was just thinking how strange … disquieting … all this must be for you.’
I pour two small glasses and hand him one. ‘Disquieting.’ I nod. ‘Good word. Yep – it really is.’
‘You’re doing so well, keeping it all together, Beth.’ He tilts the glass to his lips and takes a sip.
‘Well, looks can be deceiving.’
Adam nods. ‘Very true. I’m sorry, I should’ve known better than to say something so stupid. Although I’m very good at stupid.’
‘It’s not a stupid thing to say – you’re right. To the outside world I’m coping. But we both know the exterior has to remain tough, intact, for our children’s sakes.’
‘How long have you been building that exterior?’
I frown. His expression leads me to think he’s not just referring to my current situation. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Tell me to get lost if you want to – but I get the impression it’s not a completely new construction.’
Heat rises into my cheeks. I scratch the back of my neck and take a gulp of wine. Adam’s eyes remain firmly on mine. What has he seen in me that no one else has?
‘All my life, probably,’ I say, shrugging.
‘A lifetime building barriers around yourself, and now the one man who you allowed to break through has let you down. That sucks. I’m sorry.’
I feel strangely protective of Tom suddenly. It’s okay for me to say he’s let me and Poppy down, but Adam saying it makes my skin prickle.
But I’m unable to find the words to defend him.
Adam keeps his gaze on me, his eyebrows knitted together. He’s leaning back against the worktop: the one Tom had me up against the last morning our lives were normal. Adam is waiting for me to say something.
I think my silence speaks volumes.
Chapter 43
The sex is hard, frantic. Perfunctory. No intimacy.
He’s in control. She’s not the focus of his fantasy, but she’s the vessel for it. She’d said no to the handcuffs; no to the ties. And the stockings. He doesn’t like being told no, but he quickly became aroused by it. Made her say it more.
‘No, No, NO!’
He’s quick to finish, which means her moment on top won’t last long.
He gets off her, but she senses his dissatisfaction. He picks up his jacket and straddles her again; places it over her face. Holds it firmly. Within seconds it becomes hot, claustrophobic. Denying him the usual ways has only made him more creative – he’s thinking outside the box.
She struggles against him as her air runs out. This is the part he really enjoys. The power of life or death in his hands.
He doesn’t take her to the brink this time, though.
He yells as he comes again. But it’s not her name that leaves his lips.
‘Sorry. Sorry. Sorry,’ he shouts, over and over.
He lies in her arms for ages after. Crying.
If only people realised what went on behind closed doors.
Chapter 44
TOM
Now
Maxwell seems to think Beth won’t come here to visit me. He’s finally spoken with her after trying to get hold of her for over a day. Why did she avoid him? Why is she avoiding me? I can’t believe she’d abandon me here alone. Without hope. She’s not like that. Not my Beth. She loves me. She needs me.
I cannot go to prison.
I need to be at home; I need to be a father and husband. Providing for my family – that’s my job. They are what keep me sane. Without them, I have no purpose; no reason to live this life.
It’s cold in this room tonight. Maybe it’s the fear of what’s ahead. Maybe it’s because of the ghost here with me.
They say I killed Katie Williams.
In that case, you’d think she would be the one haunting me, to ensure I get what’s coming to me; that she gets justice.
But the ghost is not her.
I pull the thin blanket up over my head, like a child afraid of monsters.
Only it’s me who’s the monster now.
Chapter 45
BETH
Now
‘I’d best be getting Jess off home. Thanks for having her,’ Adam says.
‘Thanks for the wine.’ I hold up my empty glass. How many have I had?
&
nbsp; ‘You’re welcome. Glad I could share one with you.’
‘It was good to have a chat; pass a bit of time at least.’ I refill my glass. ‘Shame to let it go to waste,’ I smile.
‘Will you be all right?’ A concerned look flits across Adam’s face. ‘I feel bad now, leaving you like this.’
‘Like what?’ I have a terrible feeling my words are slurring. I need to get a grip.
‘I’ve plied you with wine, talked about the most stressful thing in your life, and now I’m going. I’m so sorry.’
‘I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I’ve been left in worse states, believe me.’ I’m trying to make light of it, to make Adam feel better about leaving me, but I think I’ve made it worse by saying that. ‘Really. I’ll get Poppy to bed and follow suit. I could do with an early night.’
He hesitates at the kitchen door, one foot in the hallway. ‘I know it’s different circumstances but, you know, I actually felt pretty let down by Camilla too.’ He turns to look at me. ‘Don’t feel guilty about thinking Tom’s let you down.’
‘But Camilla didn’t …’ I’m about to say that it wasn’t Camilla’s fault she left them, it was a terrible accident. But I realise he’s right to be annoyed, in a way. She chose not to be strict with her allergy; she chose to take a risk here and there if a packet mentioned ‘may contain traces of nuts’; she got careless. She made decisions that ultimately affected Adam and Jess, and now, it’s becoming clear to everyone that Tom must have made bad decisions in his past. And that’s affecting me and Poppy. You don’t get charged with a crime unless you’ve done something.
‘Even those we love can hurt us, eh?’ I say instead.
‘Did Tom ever hurt you, Beth?’ He’s the most serious he’s been. I wonder why he’s asking this just as he’s about to leave.
‘Of course not,’ I say in a whisper. ‘Well, if you exclude the … you know.’ I give a jokey nudge and a wink.
‘No. I don’t know. What do you mean?’
Do I really need to spell it out to him? I assumed he’d get what I’m referring to. I’m suddenly too embarrassed to come out and say, the sex, Adam – so I carry on, in the hopes he’ll get my gist. ‘He likes to be … in control, and stuff. You know, normal married role play games, I guess.’ I wave a hand dismissively. Adam’s brows rise.
‘Yeah. I see,’ he says, turning away again to walk into the lounge to find Jess.
His tone tells me he doesn’t see at all. Maybe his marriage wasn’t all that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. The wine has already made my head light, my lips loose.
The girls are sleepy, cuddled up together on the sofa. ‘Ahh, that’s so sweet,’ I say, as I watch Adam bundle Jess into his arms.
‘You’ve definitely done a good job wearing her out. Thanks again, Beth.’ He starts carrying her out to the door, and I go ahead to open it, almost tripping over the hall table. ‘Oops! Steady on!’ he says.
‘Clumsy me,’ I say. ‘Hope to see you soon,’ I add, blushing.
‘Yes, look – I’ve got the afternoon off on Friday. Maybe I could return the favour? Give you chance to have a bit of time to yourself.’ His smile is affectionate, kind. I say yes without having to think.
‘You’re a good friend. Thank you,’ I say, giving him a peck on his cheek.
Chapter 46
KATIE
Eight years ago
She had managed to get some peace – some time alone – in the toilet. That was about her lot. Tom had been acting oddly – even more clingy than usual. He wouldn’t leave her side for longer than a few minutes at her flat. He wanted her to move into his, but the thought made her panic. She’d have no independence. No space at all.
The past two days had been claustrophobic. And he hadn’t been the same with her, either. He wasn’t as gentle or as loving. When they had sex, he glared at her, making her feel uncomfortable. It was almost as though he hated her. He’d been rough, punishing.
What had she done wrong?
***
TOM
How can she look at me? Doesn’t she know what she’s done wrong? It’s like she’s pretending she loves me and wants to be with me. Wants to marry me. But all the while she’s stringing me along. I don’t get it. Maybe she wants the both of us – me and Isaac. Or is she biding her time – waiting for the perfect moment to tell me she doesn’t want to be with me?
Well. One thing’s definite. If I can’t have her, I’ll make damn sure Isaac can’t either.
Chapter 47
BETH
Now
For a moment I can’t make it out over the sound of the Nespresso. Then the buzzing intensifies. It seems like it’s coming closer. I look around trying to locate its source and as I’m about to pull the kitchen window blind up, the coffee machine switches off and I realise what the noise is.
‘Poppy,’ I call, rushing out of the kitchen into the hallway.
She’s crouching down in front of the door, picking something up from the mat.
‘Poppy, no!’ I yell. She jumps and her hand releases its grip. Small cards flitter to the ground and she looks at me, her bottom lip wobbling. ‘Sorry, sweetheart – I didn’t mean to scare you. I wasn’t sure what it was you had there,’ I say, more calmly. The buzzing I heard is clearer here by the door. People. A cacophony of voices. And the source is outside my cottage.
I pick up the cards Poppy dropped. Every one of them is a journalist’s calling card. Bloody journos. It’s happening. They know about Tom. They’ve found out where we live, and they want their pound of flesh. Bastards. How dare they? I throw the cards onto the hall table, take Poppy’s hand and lead her upstairs. Her bedroom is at the back of the cottage, so at least it’s quiet there for the moment. What do I do?
I’m dreading going to the café now – they’re bound to know it belongs to me. And what about taking Poppy to nursery? I’ve seen this kind of thing on telly – they’ll block our path; shout questions; snap cameras. There’ll be flashes going off in our faces; they’ll chase us up the lane. It’s awful – they shouldn’t be allowed to behave in this way.
I’m shaking as I make a call to Adam. It’s not as though he’ll be able to do anything about this, but it’ll make me feel a bit better to share my horror. It goes to voicemail. Shit. It’s almost nine – he’ll have dropped Jess and be on his way to work already. It’s too late for his help. I take Poppy into the lounge and turn on the telly. Guilt sweeps through me, as I know I’ve stuck her in front of it way too much recently.
The commotion outside the front window intensifies. I’ve kept the curtains drawn and I daren’t peek now in case they see me. The voices get louder; more urgent.
There’s a hard bang on the door.
I ignore it.
It comes again. And again. I want to cover my ears like I used to when my parents argued. Shut it out. Shut everyone out.
‘Leave us alone.’ The words come out of my mouth in a hiss of anger.
‘Who is it, Mummy?’ Poppy’s eyes are wide. This is scaring her.
‘Silly people who are trying to get my attention, my little Poppy poppet. There’s nothing to be afraid of – they’ll leave in a minute.’ I sound quite convincing, despite my pessimism.
There’s a drumming at my front door again – someone’s repeatedly thumping it. Then, through the noise, I hear a voice I recognise.
I unhook the chain, open the door a crack and Julia squeezes through.
‘Jeees …’ She looks at Poppy. ‘Good morning, sweetie,’ she says, quickly recovering.
Julia looks amazing. Like a movie star – I suspect she’s in her element. She pats down her hair, straightens her cream jacket and clasps her hands together.
‘Right!’ she says, brightly. ‘We’re playing a game this morning, Poppy – are you up for it? Me and the boys have already played it and I’d love it if you’d join in.’
‘If the game isn’t stone the journos, she’s not interested,’ I mutter.
‘What is it?’ P
oppy says.
‘It’s a bit like hide and seek. Do you know that game?’
‘Daddy plays that with me,’ she says.
‘Great! Then you’re already ahead. In a minute, I’m going to take you out the back door and Mummy is going to help you over the garden wall,’ Julia says, giving me a sideways glance. I realise what she’s doing and I’m hugely grateful, so I let her carry on. Her being here has also set my mind at ease – my worry has abated that she’d felt too awkward after the drunken night to speak to me again.
With Poppy all set, and after I’ve checked the coast is clear out the back, Julia takes her hand and walks her calmly to the far wall. I’m thinking it’s a bit high for Julia to get up in what she’s wearing, but before I can even suggest getting a stepladder, she’s hitched up her skirt almost to her waist and is heaving herself up the stone wall.
‘Oh, wow,’ I say. ‘You’re more nimble than you look.’
‘Cheeky!’
When Julia gets down the other side, I lift Poppy up and she scrambles to her feet, balancing carefully on top of the wall. My heart is racing – I’m frightened she’ll fall, even though I’m gripping her legs. Julia replaces my hands with hers and lowers her down the other side.
Julia’s head is visible above the wall. ‘What a nightmare,’ I say.
‘It most certainly is. I saw them when I dropped the boys and assumed they’d be at your door. I hope you don’t mind me coming and taking over.’
‘Not at all. Thank you, Julia. I owe you one.’
‘Well, if it involves wine, I think we should skip it,’ she laughs. ‘Okay, I’ll get going before they cotton on. Are you planning on heading to the café?’
‘I’ll see if it dies down. Surely they won’t stay there all day?’
